Day 29: A Life Worth Living (and Loving)

There is nothing special about today. It wasn't overly productive, and it wasn't overly exciting. And yet, I'm smiling. This is the first day in a long time that I have woken up and been happy for no particular reason. Not that it's been a really long time since I've been happy, but I've always needed a cause. In the past couple years, I've needed something good to happen, even if it was as small as a good cup of coffee with a good friend, to make me happy. Otherwise, I either float in this weird not-really-happy-but-not-really-sad mood or I'm just plain sad.

This is the first day I can honestly remember being happy to be alive in a long time. (In Philadelphia I was happy to experience it. In San Francisco I was happy to be there and be with friends. In Colorado I was happy to see Amy and see her city. But being happy to be alive is such a foreign feeling.) It's the weirdest feeling in the world to wake up happy that you didn't go through with killing yourself the last time you thought about it. I'm still not even sure how to process the emotions that are going on inside of me. But I know that I've been smiling all day.

It seems rather silly to be grateful for being alive. After all, in a way, it's kind of a gimme on the road of life. But I remember sitting on the bathroom floor of my apartment, less than a year ago, holding a razor blade and wondering if I should just get my life over with. It was one of the darkest nights of my life, and today I am grateful that something in my mind talked me out of it. I don't know if it was my better judgment, a Guardian Angel or something else, but I am grateful.

Along with that, today I am grateful for:

• blueberry cobbler bread. It tastes and smells cramazing. And it makes the best french toast, which I plan on making tomorrow.
• Tae Bo - I know I'm going to hate my muscles tomorrow when they all decide to mutiny, but that was the best work out I've had in a while.
• having a new book to read. I'm spending the rest of the evening staring out at the lake and diving into a new book.
• living on a part of the lake where I can just float on an inflatable lounge chair and not be disturbed. It's so beautiful today, and it's only 90 degrees, so it was the perfect day to relax by the lake.
• spending the afternoon and evening in jean shorts and an old tee shirt over my swim suit. Could it feel anymore summery?