Letting Go

Well, the nicest thing about being in AR with the lovely, fabulous, and talented Samantha Caitlin Tolbert has been letting go and relaxing. B is teaching me that as well. It's nice to have a new friend in my life who says in the calmest way possible: "Don't worry." "Relax, it'll be OK." It's so comforting and wonderful. I love it. I love him. I love Sam. I need this right now more than I ever knew, and I'm extremely, wonderfully, blissfully grateful that it's happening right now.

On a more comical note, the Wal-Mart in AR was quite possibly the most wonderful and scary visit to a Wal-Mart in my life. The belt buckles were as big as my head, the hair was fairly big, the mullets were highlighted and the cashiers were pure rays-o-sunshine. It was most excellent. Oh and the lovely gentleman in line behind us totes hit on me. All in all, it was a successful trip. It was totally eye opening and wonderful to experience.

I'll be sad to leave the calm and quiet here and go back to the stress, but while I'm here I shall enjoy every stinking moment.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

Days 164-67: Love That's Never Lost

I haven't meant to be absent from gratitude for so long. I honestly hadn't realized it had been more than two days. My aunt, Eileen, passed away on Monday morning, and while I knew it was coming relatively soon, I didn't expect it to happen this soon. And now she's gone.

She was the first one to come see my in the hospital when I was born. She played ultimate frisbee and the mandolin, and she never criticized me for being who I was but always called me on my shit. She was perfect, despite her imperfections. She was the best aunt I could have ever asked for, and I can only hope to be a part of someone's life in the way that she was part of mine.

After a courageous two year battle with cancer, she is pain free now. So that's something worth being grateful. I'm happy for her, and heartbroken for myself. I loved her. And I still do.

So, as I'm behind on my gratitude (and quite frankly haven't been keeping up with it while I haven't been writing it down), I am finally ready to offer up my gratitude for:

• getting to spend time with my aunt and uncle while I was in Seattle in September saying goodbye to my grandmother.
• Kelli and Justin getting to (respectively) meet Eileen while she was alive.
• being able to go to Eileen's memorial service in Maryland, whenever it happens.
• having Amy here.
• having a Lost marathon to lose myself in.
• good music.
• new music.
• the blanket my uncle gave me for Christmas.
• sweatpants.
• it being okay that plans have drastically changed this week (and especially tonight).
• the great Christmas cards that are peppering my desk.
• Rufus and Sophie.
• The Princess and the Frog. Amy and I went to see it the day before yesterday, and it was absolutely amazing. It's probably my favorite Disney movie of all time. The music is fantastic.
• movie days.
• being closer to getting to Seattle.
• good books.
• the prospect of cupcakes tonight (if I get my act together and make them).
• all the love and support that my friends have given me over the past week.
• days where I can wear a jacket and scarf but still rock sunglasses.
• random fits of laughter.

It's New Year's Eve tonight, and I'm spending it in. It's been a long week, and I have a lot to process. Peace and light to everyone.

"All I know is you're so nice. You're the nicest thing I've seen."

The last few days, I have been grateful for:

• a quiet, relaxed Christmas with my family. We had a very low-key holiday this year.
• all of the lovely gifts I received. I may not have gotten much from my actual wishlist, but every single present was thoughtful. This year I received several things I never would have thought to put on my list but really enjoy.
• getting to wear jeans to work for the next few weeks because it's sale.
• Kate Nash's Made of Bricks. I've been listening to it non-stop the last couple of days. When I hear "Nicest Thing," I can't help but picture some seriously beautiful Travis Wall choreography. Travis, dude, get on it. Make my dreams come true. (Please?)
• the incredibly talented people I get to work with in Rent.
• spending the day today with my family and Grandma Grace. We saw the matinee of The Nutcracker at PNB - which was lovely, of course (but nothing will top R&J) - had dinner out, and then came home and watched the new Star Trek movie. (By the way, um, Chris Pine? YUM.)
• getting messages of love from Sam and Clare on Sunday when I was having one of the worst days in a while.
• the prospect of heading north sometime soon to visit Kim and check out the fancy new winery she's working at.
• feeling grateful.

It's the Little Things

There's been a lot to be grateful for over the last few weeks of the holidays, but to be honest, a lot of it has gotten lost and blurred in my memory. I try to remember those little moments that made me smile or gave me reason to thank God for amusing things, but it all gets blurred into a long string of "Did you find everything all right?" "Isn't that sale fantastic?" or "Who are you getting a gift for?" (Though I am grateful that I've been working almost every day for the last three weeks.)

It's so often the little moments that are the best, and I just stumbled upon a site that really embodies that idea. It's called It Made My Day-Little Moments of Win, and it's incredibly amusing so far. Some entries are more shallow than others, but I like the idea that it celebrates-that one little moment can make your entire day better. Go check it out at http://itmademyday.com

Love to you all! I'm off to take a virtual job tryout for Key Bank. Here's hoping it goes well and that they need another floating teller! (Cause as awesome as it's been to have 20-30 hours this last few weeks, 30-40 and a stable schedule would be even more welcome.)

Day 163: Lost

My brother left this morning. We got up early to take him to the airport for an 11am flight. I didn't expect to cry.

Today, I am grateful for:

• coming back to the house to have a Lost marathon with Amy.
• my Mickey Mouse fleece blanket that my uncle got me for Christmas.
• a good dinner.
• Netflix.
• plans to go out to breakfast tomorrow.

Day 162: Caught In A Bad Romance

So I thought I was going to have to postpone this offering of gratitude because I was having trouble breathing. Turns out my cough drops made my throat swell like a motherfucker.

Today, I am grateful for:

• being able to breathe again.
• the awesomeness that was seeing Sherlock Holmes tonight.
• getting out and around today.
• french toast bagels.
• Lady GaGa.

Day 161: Alice

So it's Christmas, in case you hadn't noticed. It's the day of family and food and exchanging gifts that you really hope the other person likes while simultaneously hoping that if they got you something bad, you can fake the hell out of a "this is soooo great!" It's a happy day, traditionally.

And today was mostly happy. I mean, it's Christmas, and I woke up next to one of my best friends (in a platonic sense) only to get out of bed and find that my brother had gotten me an electric guitar (which I later named Alice). There was amazing food and great family time, and I love watching people opening gifts. (And I got some pretty damn amazing stuff myself.)

But there were tears. It's the first Christmas without my grandmother and the last Christmas Eileen (my aunt) will be around, and it's the second Christmas in a row we couldn't be with our whole extended family. So I got a little choked up. Okay, truthfully, I got a lot chocked up.

But I got to be with my family and an amazing friend, and I am so grateful that I got to talk on the phone with everyone. So the good outweighs the bad, even if the bad is more pronounced.

But through the good and bad today, I am grateful for:

• Alice. She's absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to really, for lack of a less sexual term, fool around with her.
• texting at a quicker rate with The Boy today. it was a nice Christmas surprise.
• getting to share this day with my brother. I'm going to miss him when he leaves.
• the awesome gifts I got today. They're beautiful and thoughtful, and they mean a lot, especially this year.
• realizing a few things about myself and my life these past few days.

I hope everyone had an amazing day and that it was filled with love and happiness, no matter what or if you celebrate.

Day 160: The Meaning of Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, and honestly, it feels like Christmas should still be a week or two away. Without school as a marker, the holidays seem infinitely far away. And yet, tomorrow is Christmas Day.

I'm not really a religious person. I believe in God, but don't like Him. I'm Catholic but hate the current Pope. I worship the Saints more than the Trinity. I kind of think I'm the Catholic that Luther envisioned. Or I would be if I was a God fan. The point is, tomorrow has no great spiritual meaning to me.

But it's a day of family and friends. I think of Christmas like most people think of Valentine's Day. It's the time of year that you show people exactly how much you care. It's about good food and community and giving.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my brother and Amy being here for the holidays.
• the awesome book that Kelli gave me for Christmas.
• pumpkin chocolate marble cake for dessert after my mom's chicken and dumplings.
• Phil liking his gift.
• the sound of my whole family laughing together.

Arkansas, Rain, and B.

Not necessarily in that order, but that is most definitely what I'm grateful for as of late. Coming to see Sam in Arkansas has been amazing so far. We have done absolutely nothing of importance and it has been wonderful to come here and clear my head. This past semester has probably been one of the most stressful of my academic career ever and so I'm trying to process and put things where they belong in my brain. The most exciting development is a new friend I made who has kind of changed my life a little bit. I never thought that someone could do that in such a short period of time, but within less than a month we have become fast friends and I value him immensely. I'm not sure where we'll end up in the scheme of our lives, but B. is beyond amazing. (I'm not saying his whole name so I don't jinx the whole thing). Anyways, life is super good right now and I am endeavoring to live in the moment, to cherish my relationships now, to love what I'm learning in this moment. I'm trying real hard folks.

Well, I love you all ladies, am sending good vibes your way and am especially grateful for this blog and being able to pass along the good in my life.

PS: The RAIN here in AR is REAL RAIN. And I adore it. The end.

Rediscovering Gratitude

It's been quite a while since I've posted, and I think that's because I've been struggling to find gratitude lately. I sat down a couple of times in the past few days, intending to write, and came up with a surprising lack of words. The few things I did manage to come up with didn't seem worthwhile to post.... which I now realize is totally opposite of the entire point of this blog. Everything is worthwhile in it's own right and any and all gratitude should be acknowledged and shared. I'm making a mental note to remember that in the future.

Anyway. As you all know, I work in the wonderful world of retail. And seeing as we've reached the end of the countdown to Christmas, you can imagine how work has consumed my life for the last couple of weeks. I have to be honest and say that I've found it really difficult to feel gracious when pulling extra long shifts every day and dealing with grumpy customers, screaming children, broken cash registers, more grumpy customers, all the noise, and just the general chaos that is the mall two weeks before Christmas. With all the work I've been doing, I feel like I haven't had a chance to actually enjoy this holiday season and everything it brings - the family time, the magical settings, the spread of love, joy, giving, and gratitude. Instead I've just felt tired and over it all, dreading waking up in the morning because it means I have to do it all over again.

This is not how I want to experience Christmas.

When I settled into my couch this evening after another long work day, I suddenly felt lighter and brighter. Sure, I was still tired. But I reminded myself that tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I don't have to work, and the following day is Christmas! Why spend another night reflecting on all of the frustrations of today when I can embrace the two awesome days ahead? I'm letting go of all of my stress, anger, and exhaustion and starting totally fresh tomorrow morning.

Tonight I'm grateful to have finished my last shift of the holiday retail season and I'm even more grateful for having two days to relax, have some fun, and rediscover that awesome feeling of having an open, grateful heart.

Day 159: Neatly Strumming

Today, I am grateful for:

• my brother teaching me to play some Jack Johnson on my mom's guitar.
• an amazing lamb dinner.
• watching Lost with Amy.
• getting up early this morning but getting to go back to bed.
• finally getting to see Watchmen tonight (or tomorrow, if we're super lazy).

Day 158: Leveraging

So I decided to share my gratitude now since I'm feeling lazy today, and we're going out to Mexican for dinner, which means I will be having a margarita or dos. So in an effort not to forget, I am offering my gratitude for:

• having my brother and Amy here for the holidays. I love how my brother makes me laugh and listening to him play guitar, and it's so nice to be able to chat it up with Amy in person (and take many, many pictures).
• trading Leverage quotes with Kelli right now.
• waking up to my Christmas gift from Phil arriving. He got me this gorgeous calendar with paintings from my favorite artist. I find it really sweet that he remembered.
• margaritas tonight!
• the joy on my mom's face when she fires her Nerf dart gun.

Day 157: Guitars and Texts

Today, I am grateful for:

• gorgeous Christmas lights at the Gardens.
• fun pictures.
• finding five seasons of Lost on Netflix.
• sweet texts.
• listening to my brother play guitar today.

Day 156: Full House

Today, I am grateful for:

• Amy being here!
• pumpkin spice lattes.
• cute baristas.
• my brother arriving tonight!
• some possible serious sign-age coming my way around the holidays.

Day 155: Books and Ornaments

My mom and I did the last of our Christmas shopping today, so I spent a fair amount of time in the local bookstore and a little while looking at ornaments in Hallmark. I could do either of these things for hours. Bookstores are my complete happy place. I wish we had a Barnes & Noble around here so that I could sit in their comfy chairs browsing books and choosing which ones to buy. But Books-a-Million serves its purpose. There are shelves and shelves of books that I can get completely lost in, and I get a fair amount of a nerdy confidence boost by being more literarily knowledgeable than the staff. And Hallmark ornaments are just fun. It's impossible not to be in the Christmas spirit looking at the walls of angels, wreaths, cartoon characters and reindeer. It was a simple day, but it was a good day.

Today, I am grateful for:

• having an excuse to go back to the bookstore.
• finding great ornaments to fill stockings this year.
• getting to be a big part of holiday shopping this year.
• chai.
• good music.

Day 154: Passions

I apologize for the amount of abbreviated gratitude lately. The truth is, nothing much has been happening. Since the news that my aunt is moving into hospice and only has a limited time to live, I haven't felt like doing anything. I've slept most of my days away and spent the rest of my time reading or doting over the dogs. Occasionally, I focus my lack of focus onto a television show or movie. (The Tudors have been a big part of my nights lately.) But I really haven't done anything.

I feel like this needs to change. Yes, the news about my aunt was a big blow in a lot of ways, but I'm not the one losing my life or the one losing the person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. On the "Wow, this sucks for me" scale, I give it a 7.5. And there are people getting tens out there.

There's only a week until Christmas, and this is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. So I fully intend to make it that, as much as I possibly can. I think that's what Eileen would want.

So, now, for the first time in a while, I'm going to sincerely gratitude it up instead of just going through the motions. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it, and I think I've finally made it.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the gorgeous day we're having here in Hot Springs. It's only cold if you're out in the wind, and from my living room I can watch the sun light up each part of the lake before it goes down in an hour or so.
• remembering my passions and being a little more coherent about them. I got myself into a creative rut sometime in the middle of October and didn't even realize it. I had misplaced a lot of my passion into things that required a fraction of my passion and consumed all of it. Time to put the focus back on my art.
• Christmas time. For serious. When else can you see your neighborhood/town/city all lit up and have pumpkin spice lattes or hot chocolate every single day. I absolutely love giving gifts too. It's super fun getting them, but giving them is the best. It's a good excuse to show people you care. (I have a major soft spot for Christmas cards too.)
• feeling a lot more at ease about certain things. I've decided that my New Year's resolution is to worry less. I'm kind of a "worst case scenario" type person, which means I'm prepared for anything, which is great in school and work and a lot of times in life. But it also means that I get in the way of a lot of good things happening in my life because I'm so pre-prepared for if they don't. Well, I started my resolution a little early, and it feels awesome. All the girly stuff, at least for now, is not stressing me out. (Read: I'm no longer letting my sort-of-relationship stress me out because I'm worried I might fuck it up like I always do.) I've changed a lot in the past year, and I think I can handle the things that are coming at me. For now, I'm just content to have an amazing guy and amazing friends in my life.
• being only two days away from seeing my brother and Amy. It'll be so nice to have more than just me and my parents here for the holidays, and I miss my brother a lot. Plus, it'll be fun to show this place off to Amy. She's the first person to see it!

Day 153: Guest Room

Today, I am grateful for:

• Rufus getting to run all around but then coming home to us.
• finally getting the guest room totally set up today.
• caramel hot chocolate with whipped cream.
• a night of relaxation.
• feeling a lot more relaxed about certain situations lately.

Day 152: Class and Glitter

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting to sleep in once again.
• finally getting everything mailed out to people for Christmas.
• getting a Christmas gift from Lauren in the mail today. She sent me this gorgeous ginger vanilla candle (two of my favorite scents combined) and a wonderfully sparkly card.
• tonight's SYTYCD finale. It just made me...happy.
• having an excuse to go back to the bookstore tomorrow!

Day 151: Books!

Today, I am grateful for:

• spending so much time in a bookstore today. I spent way too much money, but it felt so good to just be in there walking around and finding things.
• getting a cool care package together for my cousin.
• the news that my aunt may have up to a couple of months left to live. Giant sigh of relief.
• the SYTYCD performance finale tonight. I wish it wasn't so rushed, but the performances were absolutely amazing.
• SJP. In general.

"And it's beginning to snow."

It's late, but I wanted to be sure to get some gratitude in before the day's end.

Today I'm grateful for:

• that first snow of the season - and the fact that it didn't stick around to cause trouble.
• the absolutely brilliant production of The Last Days of Judas Iscariot at PLU, which I had the pleasure of seeing this weekend. If you haven't read this play (or even if you have), you must find a copy of the script and read it; the playwright's examination of religion and humanity is fascinating.
• finally starting RENT rehearsals tonight. It was only a table-talk and read-through, but I'm already incredibly excited about this cast.
• finally getting back to the stage, where I belong.
• fireplaces and blankets... my best friends this time of year.
• molasses cookies.

Day 150: "Rule #59: Never fist bump someone you want to have sex with."

Today, I am grateful for:

• each day getting a little easier. The news of losing my aunt by the end of the holidays really hit me hard, and, quite frankly, it's still hitting. But each day I'm finding it a little easier to keep on keeping on.
• getting my hair done today. A little pampering never hurt anyone.
• Pirate's Booty. I trust this requires no explanation.
• good books.
• great friends.

Day 149: Just Be

Today was another day mostly spent in bed. This time it was partially due to not having any emotional patience with the world and partially due to staying up until 5am last night watching The Tudors on Netflix. I'm just still trying to wrap my head around the idea that it's entirely possible that I will never see my aunt again. So television is my friend. I don't have to think; I can just...be.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my super comfy bed.
• relaxing baths.
• Rufus being all adorable and not liking my being in the bath because he deemed it unsafe.
• picking out some of my own Christmas presents.
• only having a week until Nate and Amy get here.

Day 148: Dinner Date

Today, I am grateful for:

• having Don and Debbie, our neighbor's from across the lake, over for dinner. They're so sweet.
• a good, homecooked meal that I had never tried to make before.
• hearing that my aunt is in less pain than before.
• new jeans.
• discovering The Tudors. I only watched about five minutes before realizing it's not suitable for my parents, so I'm excited to watch it after they go to bed.

Day 147: A Day In Bed

I spent most of the day in bed today. After coming home last night to find out that my aunt probably won't live through the end of the year, I collapsed into my bed, wiping away the manic tears and trying to focus on anything but reality.

I woke up today after a restless night of sleep and had no urge to get out of bed. So I didn't. Until 2:30pm. And even then, I got up for only about a half an hour before returning to bed until about 4:45pm. I only got up because the neighbors invited us over for dinner and a movie.

I didn't want to go, but I'm glad that I did. Charlotte made a comforting dinner of homemade soup, sandwiches and salad and bought Julie & Julia because it looked good to her and because she thought I would like it (and I did). It took my mind off of my aunt for just a little bit and gave me what I needed today, a little bit of TLC.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• Curtis and Charlotte, who have become sort of like adoptive grandparents to me here.
• Charlotte's cooking. Seriously, I die.
• my bed. It's been my haven.
• everyone who has been so great about me not being great about returning texts in the past 24 hours.
• Julie & Julia. A cinematic gem it is not, but it's a feel good movie, and I really enjoyed it tonight.

Jason Mraz

I know how much you all love him, so I'm sure this'll make you smile. And after a hectic day, I'm totes grateful for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErMWX--UJZ4&feature=player_embedded

Day 146: Southern Hospitality

I didn't realize until this morning that the community Christmas potluck was tonight. So my gut reaction was a little bit of stress about what to make and how to make food, shop for little gifts for the party, ship gifts, make sure the dogs get love and not stress out. But in the end, I sent my dad out to get gifts and made a quick shrimp ceviche in puff pastry cups.

It ended up being a really fun night. Charlotte, Debbie and I crowded onto a couch at Miss Clare's and enjoyed some good food and chatted. It was just nice to sit around a fire, laughing and eating. Plus, I got a fleece blanket as my gift, so I'm gonna have a cozy night.

Today, I am grateful for:

• this community.
• good food.
• cooking something that I love completely without a recipe.
• my new blanket,
• feeling really pretty today.

Day 145: Hot Chocolate

Today, I am grateful:

• cozy sweatshirts.
• caramel hot chocolate.
• having a hair appointment on Monday.
• an end to the freak out.
• a good night of television.

"Poor, hungover Santa."

Today I'm grateful for:

• the smell of freshly baked ginger cookies filling my kitchen.
• having the day off work and therefore having time to run errands, play with the dogs, and bake.
• my cozy new VS PINK sweatshirt, which I snagged yesterday when my company gave us an extra 10% cross-brand discount. That means a total of 40% off my sweatshirt and some cute undies. Grateful indeed.
• my complimentary tickets to the PLU Christmas Concert in Benaroya Hall this past Monday, thanks to the PLU alumni association and all the... well, let's just say it... ass-kissing I did over many years. Just goes to show you that it never hurts to get on important people's good lists. In all seriousness, though - the concert was beautiful. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see it in Benaroya, by far the biggest and most prestigious venue the choir has ever performed in.
• seeing fellow COW alums at the concert. I forgot how much I missed certain people.
• getting through my callback last night pretty well. I know I wasn't at my best (the song they had us sing sat in a terrible part of my range), but I didn't totally bomb either.
• tonight's agenda: friends, family, food, SYTYCD, and Glee.
• my neighbor's Christmas decorations, which provided a good laugh today. I drove by to find that the Santa in their front yard had fallen out of his sleigh and was face down in the grass. Might wanna cut back on the eggnog, big guy.

Day 144: "Class and glitter / Gotta have class and glitter"

Today, I am grateful for:

• Amy letting me freak out today.
• an amazing episode of SYTYCD tonight.
• getting to spend the afternoon reading.
• enjoying cooking a healthy dinner tonight.
• epic five page texts.

Day 143: Geeky Kind of Happiness

Does anyone else get that geeky kind of happiness when they make a new friend? Because that's totally where I'm at right now. I had to go grab some more foundation and a gift for my mom at the Clinique counter today, and the girl who helped me was the first girl I have met here who is my age, a college grad and not a mother. It just made me hopeful that my next ten months here will be a little more exciting than the last year.

I haven't really made the effort to make friends here. So I haven't made friends here. It just comforting to know I still can.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the potential of a new friend here.
• fun new make up stuff.
• buying my own stocking stuffers while I was at the counter. Thanks to Santa for new eye liner and a new lip gloss.
• finding a good gift for my mom.
• a relaxing day today.

Day 142: Two Weeks 'Til Christmas Starts

Today, I am grateful for:

• the way homemade risotto makes me house smell.
• getting both Christmas trees and all the lights up today.
• the Sy Fy special Alice that's on tonight. I have a soft spot for good retelling of fairytale classics.
• having only 14 days until Amy comes.
• having only 14 days until my brother comes.

Day 141: No guts; no glory.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the most amazing response I could have asked for from him.
• a little less stress.
• basically only two weeks until Amy gets here.
• getting a few Christmas decorations up today.
• some great recipes for the holiday season. I can't wait to try them.

Day 140: "No flag; no country."

I've been dreaming a lot lately, ever since I got to Philly. At first I thought it was triggered by holiday sweets, but those are gone, and the dreams are not. But Kelli brought up that they might be caused by stress, and that actually sounds like it might be a big part of it.

I've shared that my aunt has, barring a miracle, lost her battle with cancer. On a less important note, I'm really stressed about not knowing when or how I'm getting to Seattle before the holidays. And while the thought of not getting to see friends is extremely displeasing, the idea of not seeing my aunt is heartbreaking. And the thought of not seeing Phil is stressing me out something fierce. My brain is going through all of the "what ifs" that are within any sort of realm of possibility. Will he wait for me if I don't make it soon? Will he find someone else? Will we ever get to actually talk through everything and get together if we don't get to talk in person? And so much more.

So, yeah, I've been a little stressed. Some of it's silly, and some of it's founded. But it's all there, so today has been about distractions.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Jimmy Fallon's "best of" disc from SNL. It's got some great stuff.
• Eddie Izzard. I watched Dressed to Kill today and momentarily forgot about anything.
• my nervous energy translating into getting a lot of cleaning done.
• White Collar tonight.
• Ghost Bros. Friday nights.

"If you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep."

I have a week's worth of gratitude to catch up on, so I better get started. I'm grateful for...

• having my aunt here for the Thanksgiving weekend. I've really missed her since her job as a navy nurse moved her away from Washington.
• getting to spend time with Kim on Wednesday for her birthday celebration and getting to see several other friends there as well.
• witnessing a historical moment at The 5th last night as they flipped the switch to light up the theatre's beautiful new vertical marquee. Modeled after the original 1926 marquee (but now made with greener materials and energy-efficient light-bulbs), the new marquee brings that old magical feeling of the stage back to 5th avenue. It's really beautiful.
• be able to attend the opening performance of White Christmas at The 5th last night. It's a really fantastic production that just makes you feel warm and happy - and they actually make it snow on stage and in the audience at the end of the show! It was... magical. Magical and beautiful - that's the best way to describe it.
• bringing my mom to see the show; with the performance and dinner beforehand, I haven't seen her that happy in a long time. And even though I haven't been working specifically on White Christmas, it was awesome to introduce her to a couple of people I work with and show her what I'm so proud to be a part of.
• hilarious text conversations and really sweet texts. I know I've mentioned my gratitude for those before, but it bears repeating.
• finally receiving an initial rehearsal schedule for Rent. Things get started a week from Monday! Yay!
• getting a callback for The Wedding Singer at TMP. It's on Tuesday, so please send me any good luck vibes you have to spare! Thanks!

Day 139: Confidence Boosts

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally having the dog attack/court fiasco over with. We went to trial this morning and won, and now it's all over with. Thank goodness.
• having my aunt's name for what will probably her last Christmas. My mom's side of the family draws names, and then everyone has one person to get an awesome gift for. I love my aunt, so I was excited to get her name no matter what, but now it's even more special. I found a fabulous gift while in Philadelphia, and I'm mailing it tomorrow. I'm really excited but so emotional.
• having the guts to ask a tougher question that I feel like I need to know the answer to.
• realizing that some of my clothes actually look better with the weight I've gained. I put on a sweater after court today that I used to wear to work. And I think it looks a lot better than it used to. My silver shift dress feels the same way. As much as I want to lose some weight/tone up, it's nice to know that I have outfits to pull out on those days that I need a little confidence boost.
• being checked out by someone I was checking out. That was a nice little confidence boost too.

Day 138: Good Vibes, Please.

I could use some seriously good vibes right now, and so could my family. I just got the news that my aunt has lost her battle with cancer and is basically faced with the decision of when to die. So any spare prayers of vibes you have would be much appreciated.

Eileen was the first person to visit me in the hospital when I was born, and she's been a huge part of my life ever since. I can't believe I'm facing the rest of my life without her.

So today I am grateful for the little things that made my day start out well. While I'm feeling an absence of gratitude currently, the things I was grateful for earlier include:

• getting most of my Christmas cards done today.
• waking up in my own bed.
• the way Doby and Daisy reacted to us being home.
• Christmas stamps.
• hugs.

Returning to Gratitide

I know I've been MIA for a while, but I'm trying to return to gratitude. I've had a very hard time focusing on the positive and maintaining an attitude of gratitude lately. Since NOMT ended I have fallen into some very self-defeating behaviors and my eating disorder has come back with a vengeance. I was worried that night happen post-NOMT with my typical post show depresaion being worse than normal and not getting in to Judas and not having anything to focus my energy on. And I was all too right. I fell in to the worst depression of my life and I've been letting my eating disorder run my life. But I had a wonderful text conversation with Sam today and I an ready to take the steps to start taking control of my life again. Starting here. With returning to gratitude and love which are the most important. Really they are just manifestations of each other.
So today I'm grateful for:
-so you think you can dance. Between the tour and this season finally kicking in it brings so much joy to my life.
-knowing I have amazing friends who are there for me.
-realizing that sometimes I need to let things go and just do what is best for me
-Sam understanding what I'm going through and always being there with a helpful text
-Pooka. He is and always will be a constant source of joy in my life. Even when he takes over the bed and wakes me up way too early.

I'm coming back to life. Getting my wings ready. And I'm going to start with gratitude for everything. This breath.

Namaste.

Days 136 & 137: Two for One

I apologize for my lack of an offering yesterday. I promise I was practicing gratitude, but after driving from Philly to Bristol, Virginia, I was exhausted and just collapsed on my bed when I reached the hotel.

But now I'm back in Hot Springs, and while I plan on going to bed rather soon, I felt the need to offer my gratitude.

The past two days I have been grateful for:

• unlimited texting.
• my ipod.
• Paula Cole and Paolo Nutini. They kept me good company on the road.
• navigation systems. This meant I could direct my parents based on the Tom Tom instead of MapQuest directions.
• my chest pains not being more severe.
• Kelli's and my awesome system of helping each other in life and love.
• arriving home to a package containing Phil's Christmas present (which I had to order) on the front step. I was worried it wouldn't get here in time.
• Rufus recognizing this as home.
• a good text conversation with Clare.
• being home and getting to sleep in my own bed tonight.