Lexi

I'm struggling to find gratitude today. This afternoon, my family made the difficult and sudden decision to have our golden retriever, Lexi, put to sleep. She was old, to be sure, and had serious arthritis, but it wasn't until three days ago that she took a serious turn for the worse. She wasn't eating much, and yesterday she got to the point where she couldn't stand for even a few seconds without collapsing, so my parents took her to the vet early this morning. While the blood work didn't reveal much more than an odd white-blood cell count, the x-ray showed numerous small tumors in her chest. The vet told my mom the tumors could possibly be treated with heavy medication, but that with Lexi's old age, the outlook wasn't good. The vet did make sure we knew that Lexi didn't show signs of being in much pain, though. That's good. Yet we knew starting her on new and heavier meds would only prolong the inevitable for a couple of months. So just before 3:00, we all said goodbye.

There are very few, if any, moments I can recall when I've seen my dad cry like that. We all cried.

I really don't mean to pass my sadness on to anyone who reads this. That's not my intention at all. I'm not even sure why I'm writing about it, except that maybe I need to for some kind of closure. I already feel a little better.

Pets are family; losing them, even when you know it's their time, is incredibly hard. I'm now trying to let go of the sadness and focus on all the joy Lexi brought to my family. I'm grateful for the many years we had her and all the love she gave us.

We adopted Lexi from my dad's sister Joni when she separated from her husband, moved out of Washington, and couldn't take the dog with her. I remember how back then Lexi had so much energy and would go on walks for days if you'd let her (and could keep up.) Playing fetch was one of her most favorite activities. She absolutely loved people and was an incredible attention whore, barking if you stopped petting her for even a second. She was a 100-and-something pound lap-dog. She rarely walked around without a toy or a bone in her mouth, and my dad always said it looked like she was smoking a cigar. Even when her arthritis got bad and she couldn't come to the door to greet us when we got home, she'd bark and wag her bushy tail until we'd come to her. When I got Gidget, my little corgi, about a year and a half ago, Lexi wasn't at all territorial - rather, she became the mama dog, putting up with the puppy pouncing and chewing on her. I think Gidget even brought some of the youth back into Lexi; they loved wrestling together. I'll admit that as she got older and started losing her hearing, her constant loud barking annoyed me. But I know that was just her way of getting attention. She was a wonderful member of our family.

Today, I'm grateful for all these positive memories of her. I'm grateful that we had a chance to say goodbye together, all four of us. I'm grateful she went without any pain. I'm grateful for the amazing staff at our vet who were so helpful and comforting today. I'm grateful to know that Lexi's ashes will be scattered at Mount Rainier. I'm grateful for Gidget and the many years of happiness and love we have ahead of us. I'm grateful for welcome distractions this evening, like Back to the Future on tv. (My brother had never seen that movie! Can you believe it?) I'm grateful that I feel better after writing all of this. I'm grateful that tomorrow is a new day.

What are you grateful for?

Day 521: Mile

I'm like the little girl in the Hallmark ornament commercial. I want Christmas!

Today, I am grateful for:
* Christmas ornaments.
* having an awesome workout today.
* love.
* my adorable dogs being so spunky today.

Day 520: "Hangin' like a jewel upon the cheek of night"

Today, I am grateful for:
* an a-mazing workout today. I feel kind of bad ass.
* Christmas packages.
* changing my pizza recipe and having it turn out awesome.
* Christmas ornaments.
* Rufus looking better today.

Days 518-19: "Happy birthday, Jesus."

It's been sort of been an off day. I woke up this morning to have Rufus not eating and refusing to go for a walk, two things he normally gets to first thing in the morning. After rushing him to the emergency vet clinic, we found out my little buddy is anemic. (Who knew?) So it's mostly been a day of keeping an eye on him. But on his evening walk, I had to climb up an embankment to save him, falling back down that embankment when the branch I was using to climb broke suddenly. But as far as off days, I suppose it's not that bad...

And I'm still grateful for:
* Rufus being okay.
* the smell that fills the house when I'm baking dog treats.
* Phil liking the first part of his Christmas present.
* the "free on itunes" section.
* Leverage tonight.

Days 511-17: Peanut Brittle

It's the holidays! Everyone's lights are up; holiday parties are on; everyone is getting cozy. I love this time of year. So much.

I am grateful for:
* amazing friends.
* fun food.
* dinner with Curtis and Charlotte.
* Charlotte's Christmas treats.
* Nate coming soon.
* Phil.
* good music.
* a new cupcake recipe turning out.
* love.

Days 509 & 510: Sugar and Spice

Today, I am grateful for:
* last night's community Christmas party.
* Dirty Santa. I got an awesome bottle of wine.
* Theo Chocolates.
* cozy blankets.
* my bear hat.
* a chance to bond with the neighbors.
* my dogs.
* the soul warming effects of fresh-baked chicken pot pie.
* love.

Days 507 & 508: Merry Christmas, Darling. Happy New Year too.

I think it's impossible to be sad during Christmas time - the hot cocoa, the ornaments, the exchanging of gifts, the lights, the get togethers, the comfy clothes. It gives me that corny "warm and fuzzy" feeling.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Team Diva.
* thoughtful gifts.
* cute Christmas cards.
* having the stockings hung.
* quality television.
* cozy blankets.
* holiday plans.
* gingerbread houses.

Days 505 & 506: Lie to me

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting the first batch of Christmas presents mailed out.
* peppermint hot cocoa.
* leggings.
* my holiday mug.
* sweater boots.

Days 502-04: Something to talk about...

There's a Facebook campaign going on right now where you're supposed to change your profile picture to a picture of your favorite childhood cartoon character. The whole idea is to raise awareness about violence against children.

I've bitched about my parents in this particular medium, but the truth is, I've been lucky. I've never had to deal with violence at home, and I know I'm with a man who would never lay a hand on our children in the future. And sadly, others aren't so lucky.

In this season of family, it's a reminder that not everyone has a family like mine. We may fight, and I can't wait to get away from my father, but I've never had to live through something like so many other children do.

Today, I am grateful for:
* how lucky I am to have the family I do.
* little gestures starting big conversations.
* everyone else taking part.
* love.
* good conversation.

Day 501: Christmas Magic

Today, I am grateful for:
* waking up in my own bed.
* the way the dogs greeted us this morning.
* Christmas magic making everything work out!
* a chick date with Kelsey. It's been way too long.
* the most amazing boyfriend.

Days 499 & 500: 500 Days of Gratitude

I just got back from Philly about an hour ago, and it feels so good to be back in my own house. Let's just say, today wasn't my day. My purse broke. My favorite sweatpants ripped. The first thing I saw this morning was a dead buck. But walking back into my house and turning on the Christmas trees while sipping on peppermint hot chocolate made everything go away just like that. It was...nice.

And now I move on to figuring out when I can get to my Phil.

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to see Nate and Vanessa.
* finding fun Christmas gifts.
* my own bed.
* holiday awesomeness.
* love.

Thanks-giving.

I just let go of something I'd been holding on to for far too long.

I am not going to commit to posting every day, but I am going to commit to an attitude of gratitude.

So, here's a small start.

1. Letting Go.
2. Pooka, forever and always, even if I have to leave him here for grad school. I know my mom loves him as much as I do.
3. All experiences, good and bad, each teach me something that I need to know.
4. Grad school. Hopefully at least one of these frustrating applications will turn into something.
5. My ukulele.
6. Good friends.
7. Being Love.
8. Books.
9. Crying, when it is necessary.
10. Everything I have.
11. Today. now.
12. Tea.


Namaste.

Day 498: Christmas Village

Today, I am grateful for:
* my new hat. So cute.
* getting to go to Christmas Village.
* adorable kids.
* picture texting.
* the Pad Thai Shack.

Days 496-97: To Stay?

I'm trying to decide if we're staying in Philly for another day. I'm leaning towards yes...

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to see Mary.
* getting to see Pixie.
* having the family back together again.
* getting to spend time with Vanessa.
* a trip to Christmas Village tomorrow!
* getting invited to stay longer.

I'm Dreaming of a White Thanksgiving.

On this official day of Thanks, I have so many things to be grateful for. Here's a few of them (and then I gotta get to baking.)

I'm grateful for:

• my incredible friends who always support me, inspire me, challenge me, make me laugh, listen when I cry, talk/text about anything and everything, and simply love me.
• Team Diva.
• my loving family.
• my dogs.
• my warm house.
• having plenty of good food today.
• the beautiful snow.
• being employed and working with such a great team.
• love, in all of its forms.

Days 492-95: Thanksgiving

It's officially Thanksgiving. There's sailing on tv as we wait for football, and Nate and I have already started our prep work in the kitchen. And we finally have a little bit of snow here in Philadelphia.

So, on this day of thanks, I am grateful for:
* getting to spend this day with my brother.
* getting to spend time with Vanessa.
* holiday weather.
* remembering things I used to love.
* good food.
* having such amazing people in my life.
* love.

Days 485-91: "Pork products are very sexy."

It's almost Thanksgiving! The air is getting cooler. The sun is still out. The coziness is on. This is basically my favorite time of year, especially now that it isn't filled with cramming for finals and end of semester stress.

I leave for Philly tomorrow, one of my favorite places. I get to see my brother, his girlfriend and their new place. But mostly I'm excited for football, food and some solid culture.

I am grateful for:
* peppermint hot chocolate.
* dinners with Don and Debbie.
* the neighborhood dogs.
* Rufus taking care of me last night when I had a headache.
* awesome Christmas ornaments.
* library books that I'm super excited to read.
* bright pink nail polish.
* good food.
* the opportunity to cook a Southern Thanksgiving.
* Phil always making me smile.
* my girls.
* my Razorbacks tee.

"Can I offer you a Jake Gyllenhal or something in a nice Mark Ballas?"

I'm grateful for:

• feeling grateful, even when I don't blog about it often.
• being able to read about my girls' gratitude on an almost daily basis.
• having extended family in town for a few days.
• unlimited texting & virtual dates/tv nights with Sam.
• Sam's concern for the quality of my "list."
• my leadership team at work finally becoming stable, and finally having an entire group that works well together & gets along. Things were rocky for a while, with people getting transferred, quitting, or just not working out... but I think we've found a group that's really good. It's so refreshing.
• music.
• solo 3 minute dance parties in my kitchen.
• PLUtonic. I was watching some of their youtube videos last night; they are so good this year.
• my dogs.
• oversized sweaters.

Days 474-84: Holiday Time

It's been a crazy month. A really crazy month. I leave a week from today for Thanksgiving in Philly, and so the holidays are starting early since my mom loves Christmas and is sad she can't decorate the day after Thanksgiving. We got our first tree up today. (We have two fake trees.) And decorating will probably start tomorrow. Here's hoping that no more stray dogs wind up in our neighborhood. The poor things should get to enjoy the holidays too.

I am grateful for:
* a new treat container for the dogs (from Phil and Bec).
* the holidays starting!
* phone dates.
* virtual Ghost Bros dates.
* unlimited texting.
* love in all of its forms.
* music I can rock out to.
* cozy blankets.
* warm drinks.
* having a good start on my Christmas shopping.
* having a good start on my Christmas cards.
* an adorable penguin ornament from Bec.
* pirates.

Days 472 & 473: NaNoFailing

Today, I am grateful for:
* an amazing boyfriend who can always make me smile.
* hopefully having a few days to focus on NaNoWriMo.
* chai tea and hot caramel apple cider. (It's getting cold here.)
* phone dates.
* my dogs having a safe, happy home.

Days 469-71: Bailey and Boston

Today was slated to be a pretty standard day: do laundry, play with my dogs, Humane Society benefit, movie, bed. Today ended up as anything but standard though.

As I was dragging my laundry through the house, I looked outside one of the front windows and saw a female Golden Lab staring back at me. I figured it was just the neighbors' dog, so I went out to catch it and realized that it had a buddy, a small female Beagle mix. It turns out that my mom thinks she saw them both get dropped off in our neighborhood this morning. So we fed them breakfast, got them into our yard, and I spent from about 1:30 until 7pm outside keeping an eye on them, playing with them and making sure they weren't hurt. Animal control was supposed to come pick them up, but we never heard back from them. (Note: Animal Control will find them a good home.) I named the Lab Bailey and the Beagle Boston, and they're currently sleeping in my backyard. Both are too covered in ticks to come inside.

So tomorrow I'll get up at sunrise to feed them and start the process of finding them a home all over again. I wish I could adopt them, but I don't have the time or the money to take on two more dogs. I just have to focus on giving my own two dogs the best home possible.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Bailey and Boston being willing to trust me and come to me. It would break my heart if they were out there all alone tonight.
* Mary Jo, my neighbor, who gave me a few people to call in the search for B & B's new forever home.
* my own two dogs being safe and healthy.
* chai. I seriously need something after today.
* actually having a plot in mind for NaNoWriMo. Which I will start working on riiiiiiiiiight now.

Day 468: Salt and Pepper Napkin Babies

Fall is finally here! After months of warm weather, it finally got below sixty degrees (in the shade) today. I'm so excited. There's something about cozying up in a big sweatshirt or sweater under a blanket with a warm drink. So I totally stocked up on warm drinks today, buying a healthy supply of caramel apple cider mix, chai and Coffee Mate. All while wearing one of my brother's giant sweatshirts.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the change in season/weather.
* caramel apple cider. I forgot how much I love that stuff.
* new salt and pepper shakers for Phil's and my place.
* comfy sweatshirts and sweaters.
* having a clean house. After a nice day of house work.

Days 462-7: Mine

I've been terrible about sharing my gratitude this month. I promise it's been there. It's just been...semi-fleeting. It comes and goes a lot. I've been having weight issues and father issues and where is home issues, and I've been letting it cloud my gratitude. Sadly, it's a lot easier to focus on the bad.

But no more of that (I hope). The truth is, I have a lot of things to smile about. I have great friends (Go Team Diva.), an amazing boyfriend, a damn good kitchen to work in and some pretty cute dogs. And I need to take those less for granted.

I am grateful for:
* good music that can always bring me out of a funk.
* tasty, healthy recipes.
* an a-mazing salad the other night.
* having it just be my mom, me and the dogs for the weekend.
* gorgeous weather.
* Phil's job going so well.
* hopefully being a little closer to getting to move back.
* NaNoWriMo starting soon.
* great friends.
* good memories.
* Phil.

Days 460 & 461: Promenade

Today was a rather perfect day as far as normal days go. (Especially since I woke up damn grumpy.) My mom and I took the dogs in to the promenade and Arlington Park during the late morning. We met the cutest kids who were out with their grandma for one of the boy's 7th birthdays. They loved the dogs and wanted to know if we could spend the day with them (since we clearly came with the dogs). And their grandma was wearing a 2008 Race for the Cure shirt! Then it was mother-daughter shoe shopping for new sneakers. (A 5k tends to murder your old walking shoes...) And to end the day, I got to make the house smell amazing by baking fresh dog biscuits.

Today, I am grateful for:
* gorgeous weather.
* new sneakers. (I've been doing dog walks and memory/awareness walks in my 8th grade basketball shoes. I'm so glad those can just be my Humane Society shoes.)
* Lauren's recommendation of a good dog biscuit cook book. The dogs love them, and I'm so glad I know they're safe for them.
* School Pride. Seriously. That show makes me smile and cry all at the same time.
* Em including me in her wedding planning. It really is an honor to have someone want my input on such a special day.

Days 457-59: My Pastry-Friendly Fat Ass

Today we wore purple. One simple color to make a statement: bullying is not okay, especially when it is costing kids their lives.

Today, I am grateful for:
* everyone who wore purple.
* good books.
* Netflix Instant.
* my mama's split pea soup.
* hearing from Val today!

Days 454-56: Race for the Cure

Race for the Cure was yesterday morning. It was an experience that I thought I would be vaguely familiar with. But I was wrong.

No amount of AIDS Walks and Relays for Life could have prepared me for walking through downtown Little Rock and North Little Rock with almost 46,000 other people as the sidelines of the race were filled with people cheering us on, marching bands, local bands, radio stations, yoga studios, belly dancing classes, fraternities and cyclist training sessions. And all of it was to support the search for a cure for breast cancer. My mom and I walked in the 5k, a little over 3 miles. There were kids, babies, people of all ages, and for a little over an hour, we were all one entity.

I can honestly say that yesterday was one of the best experiences of my life. I walked for my grandmother, a two time breast cancer survivor before Alzheimer's claimed her life last year. Others wore the names of survivors they were walking for. Still others wore the names of those they had lost.

I want to send all of my love and my gratitude to the other participants, all the supporters, the volunteers, the committee and the survivors. They have become a part of me, and hopefully I have become part of them.

Days 450-53: A Question

Okay, so I spent the day in Little Rock with my mama and Rufus picking up our stuff for Race for the Cure on Saturday and hanging out by the river. (We actually saw the little rock. (There actually is one.) If you had asked me around 6, I'd've said that today was my best day since I've gotten back to Arkansas. And then there's my father... Who I can't stand. And who doesn't do the best job of standing me either.

So, I suppose, tonight I have a question: How do you focus on the good of your day when the bad is so much easier to remember? I'm still looking for an answer.

But I think listing up my gratitude is a good start, so:

I am grateful for:
* Race for the Cure.
* love.
* The Last Word.

Day 449: "Just because I love you doesn't mean you're not a whore."

I am grateful for:
* Sonic Blasts.
* job opportunities that let me show off my writing skills.
* having a job opportunity that I'm excited for.
* Miss Amy, whose birthday is today.
* good music.

Days 447 & 448: Missing You

I'm back in Hot Springs, which makes it hard to be grateful in a way. I wish I was back in Seattle, back in Phil's arms, back in the bed I've gotten used to. So I need to remind myself that there are things worth my gratitude at the moment, like:
* getting to spend so much time in Seattle.
* amazing friends.
* love in all forms.
* getting to spend Becca's 21st with her.
* getting to be in Seattle for my anniversary.
* Phil.
* photos.

Days 444-46: Bitch of Living

I'm currently playing Spring Awakening for Phil...

I am grateful for:
* cupcakes.
* a shopping trip with Becs.
* nap time.
* The Goonies last night. Love that movie.
* Becs' 21st tonight.
* fun photos.
* excellent toy stores.
* cute dogs.
* love in all of its forms.
* fun earrings.
* gifts to give.

Days 433-43: Long Time Gone

I've been absent for a while now, and for that, I apologize. I don't want to give the impression that there was nothing to be grateful for over these past several days. On the contrary, there was so much to be grateful for that I barely had time to slow down.

I have been grateful for:
* starting my new position at the Humane Society. I got to meet all of the dogs and pick a few to be projects (to spend extra time with so that they're well socialized and can find a good home). The dogs instantly found a way into my heart, and I encourage everyone to support their local animal shelters, to consider adopting a shelter pet and to remember that animals need love too. It's one of my favorite experiences, and I could not be more grateful for the opportunity.
* my mother agreeing to walk a 5k Race for the Cure with me on the 16th of this month. My grandmother was a two-time breast cancer survivor, and we lost my great-aunt to the disease. It's killed enough people and halted enough lives. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so there are lots of ways to help. Even make up brands are selling special products with the proceeds going towards research funding. So this 16th, I'll be remembering my family, and walking to find a way to save lives.
*being in Seattle this week. Phil and I celebrated our one year anniversary this past Friday, so I came into town so we could celebrate together. We've had the most amazing time, and every day I'm reminded of reasons why I love him.
* meeting Phil's extended family! We all had dinner together, and I had the best time. His grandpa and I got to spend a lot of time together (He even offered me one of the toys he made!), and I know that I've found an amazing family to join.
* my dear friend, Justin, getting the opportunity of a lifetime. No one could be more deserving, in talent or in heart.

Love to you all.

Day 432: Dogs

Today, I am grateful for:
* my new volunteer position with the Humane Society. I'm part of animal socialization team, so basically, I get to play with and walk dogs every Tuesday.
* fun video games.
* good books.
* finding my commonplace book.
* comfy clothes.

Day 431: Just Desserts

Today, I am grateful for:
* phone dates.
* a virtual Bravo date with L.
* good books.
* our neighbor really taking care of Hobo.
* pumpkin pie.

Smile

1. Things falling into place for my road trip after all.
2. My new car. It is insanely fabulous.
3. My new guitar, it is also, insanely fabulous.
4. Pooka, always.
5. Being able to afford my road trip. I think it is going to be an amazing journey. And I can't believe I leave in a little over a week! Nuts!

namaste

Day 430: Pumpkin

Today, I am grateful for:
* a library run. I spent maybe ten minutes in there and picked up 3 novels, 2 non-fiction books and a book for my mama. Soooo much good reading.
* comfy over-sized sweater. That I can wear in WA. Because I can't here.
* good fashion.
* the smell of pumpkin pie that is wafting through my house right now.
* loving my new hair color.

Day 429: Dyed and Dried!

Today, I am grateful for:
* finding a hair color that I absolutely love.
* good Southern comfort food.
* fun video games.
* being ten days away.
* finding fun books in my grandfather's collection.

Days 427 & 428: Comfy Cozy

I love football season. It's probably my favorite time of year. And while I realize that's weird, it's totally true, so I might as well admit it. (Hockey season gives it a run for its money. Love that they run in tandem.) There's something about spending a weekend curled up under a blanket with your drink of choice (Mine for the day was pumpkin spice chai.) for the day and cheering on your team. It feels active and relaxing at the same time.

I am grateful for:
* football season.
* pumpkin spice anything.
* a ride with Rufus today.
* blueberry Belgian waffles.
* invitations to the Chickasaw Festival!

Day 426: Shoulda Been A Baller

Today, I am grateful for:
* VS sweaters.
* being under two weeks away.
* Rufus wanting to cuddle so much today.
* Friday night television (Bro!).
* Rule 15.

Day 425: paper chain

Today, I am grateful for:
* being only two weeks away.
* Pei Wei.
* a surprise gift from Phil.
* a letter from Marilyn.
* Ray LaMontagne.

Day 424: Dark Blue

Today, I am grateful for:
* ModCloth.
* season finales.
* comfort food.
* my mama taking care of me while I'm sick.
* being only two weeks away.

Days 419-23: Does absence *really* make the heart grow fonder?

Okay, so it's been a while... Not intentionally. Not consciously. But a while nonetheless.

I've been off in my own world lately. After my grandmother's death, I went into a daze. I haven't been depressed or angry, but I haven't really been anything. I've sort of been taking the paint by numbers approach to life. But luckily, I feel like that's ending, and for that, I am grateful. I feel like I'm living again.

Maybe it's because my mom and I are here taking care of the dogs while my dad is in town for the memorial service, but we've been more active these past few days. We had a girls' night last night, and I applied for a volunteer position today, and next week I finally have an appointment to change my hair. (It was either that or more ink.) And Wednesday (Tomorrow?) we have a date with Debbie that should be fun.

I am grateful for:
* girls' nights.
* compact smores.
* the dogs.
* a comfy bed.
* Nate and Phil finally meeting.
* Ray LaMontagne's music.
* texting.
* the chance to volunteer.
* the amount of support people have given me.
* movie nights.
* movies that are totally worth seeing once.
* sushi.

Sacrificing the Bunny

1. Sacrificing Bronwyn's chocolate bunny to the cookies. Wonderful.
2. Getting paid to do theatre. (Even if I haven't gotten a paycheck in a while)
3. Smiling. It's my favorite.
4. Being 23. I've decided it is a great age.
5. Music.

Days 416-418: Who Dat?

I am grateful for:
* the return of football season.
* the New Orleans Saints.
* polar bears. I love them...
* my little bear and Sophie.
* swag.
* homemade soup.
* Hobo.
* the sound of the rain.

Days 414 & 415: Wild Orchid

I am grateful for:
* an epic superhero duo.
* a cute LBD.
* long, hot showers.
* scented lotions.
* homemade mac and cheese.
* Phil's support.
* having a decent conversation with my father today.
* good music.
* Leverage.
* finally getting to the doctor tomorrow.

Day 412-413: Daze

I'm still...not sure about anything. I don't know what I feel. Sadness, obviously. Maybe a little regret. But there are all these other feelings that I haven't figured out. And while I'm happy to be feeling, I'd rather not be feeling like this.

No more grandparents. They won't be at my wedding or give me advice about raising kids. Three out of the four didn't get to meet Phil. They knew my high school friends but not my college friends. There's just...a hole.

Today, I'm grateful for:
* distractions.
* the return of college football.
* hot fudge milkshakes.
* all of the memories.

Day 411: Those You've known

I am so tired of losing people. I'm not even sure what to do with myself. Honestly, I thought it would be over for a while.

My grandmother passed away about two hours ago. She's the last grandparent I had. And now...I don't really know...

Today, I am grateful for:
* the memories I have of my grandmother.
* Phil getting to meet her.
* Phil's support.
* distractions.

Day 410: "Samantha, do you want to take my picture?!"

Best. little buddy. ever. Miss Riley, age four, and I spent the day with my mama and her grandmama at the children's garden today. We climbed. We jumped. We were victorious. That little girl is freaking adorable.

I don't think I stopped smiling all morning. Riley talked a blue streak, a good 40% of it being the cutest non-sequiters ever. We walked about a mile and a half in the gorgeous sunshine and discovered a part of Garvan Gardens that none of us had been to. For a few hours, I was four years old again. And then I needed a nap...

Today, I am grateful for:
* this morning's trip to the garden. I had so much fun.
* having Miss Riley as a buddy. Every time I start feeling down or homesick, there's Riley to make me smile and give me a huge hug. She told me today she was glad she was my buddy because, "otherwise [I] might get lonely," and that would be bad.
* RZP.
* all the great pictures that came out of today.
* naps.

Day 409: Swag

Today, I am grateful for:
* Hobo having a part-time family! Hobo is a super sweet dog that lives on my inlet who happens to hang out at my house a lot because he's big on lovins. Well my mom talked to a neighbor today, and he's decided to take care of Hobo's medical stuff and bring him in during the cold winter. Plus, he feeds him barbecue for dinner, which is just awesome.
* October looking like a pretty kick ass month. There are some seriously cool options in the works, including my big bro inviting Phil and I to PA for a weekend.
* pink leopard-print hair barrettes. Thanks, ModCloth. Busting out my latest accessory kind of made my day. It's just impossible to be anything but happy while wearing it.
* a mother-daughter dinner. My mom and I went to Cracker Barrel tonight, just the two of us. It was nice to just get to talk (in French, Spanish and English) about life before looking at ridiculous Razorback swag.
* grits with maple syrup. A-mazing.

"Did you just call me deadly furniture?"

Today, I'm grateful for:

• BBC's Being Human. Kind of obsessed. Fantastic plot lines, characters, and music, brilliant acting, and Aiden Turner. What more could a girl want? (And why is everything British inherently better?)
• Kelli sharing said obsession.
• my new haircut & color. Love.
• fall fashion editions of fashion magazines.
• Fall being just around the corner. It's my favorite season. I'm so ready for the changing leaves, the sweaters, boots, scarves, the glowing fires in the fireplace, the smell in the air, fall foods, and my favorite pumpkin spice lattes returning to Starbucks.
• all the fall scents we have out now at BBW. Caramel Apple and Creamy Pumpkin candles... yesplease.
• my puppy.
• attending Kim and Steve's wedding this weekend. What a perfect couple. It was such a beautiful ceremony, and I'm so glad I was invited to witness it. I love love.
• love, in all forms.

Day 408: Toast

Today, I am grateful for:
* chicken noodle soup.
* Rachel Maddow.
* how gorgeous it is today.
* Bec's fashion advice.
* getting to meet Phil's extended family next time I'm in town!

Day 407: Little Buddy

Today, I am grateful for:
* Riley being here!
* Charlotte's fresh baked goods.
* relaxation.
* the adorableness of Hobo.
* Emmy ridiculousness.

New Blog

Well, today has been strange. Tornado hit my dad's house. Some damage, but everyone is okay. And I got the first exit applause of my acting career in leading ladies tonight. Such a freaking rush!

So on to gratitude:

1. My new blog. http://msclaremarie.blogspot.com/ A new site for updates on my post college life and where I will hopefully be updating everyone on my road trip adventures this fall.
2. The giant trees in our backyard not falling on our house. (This is my dad's house I'm talking about, my mom's is fine)
3. Exit applause. Holy crap. Such an amazing feeling.
4. Having a great show tonight.
5. Picking a guitar. I'm going to buy it in a week or so in Bozeman at music villa! So excited.
6. My road trip coming together. I think it is truly going to be amazing.

namaste

Day 406: The Knot

Two of my dear friends got married today in Washington. So congratulations to Kim and Steven for tying the knot and taking another step in their life together! I can't think of a more perfect couple.

Today, I am grateful for:
* love, in all forms.
* picture books.
* beautiful quilts.
* the Cowboys currently losing the the Texans.
* pictures.

Day 405: Victory

Today, I am grateful for:
* this whole stressful situation being over with.
* having the most amazing and supportive boyfriend ever.
* late night texting.
* SYTTD.
* good music.

Day 404: National Dog Day!

Today, I am grateful for:
* my pups.
* adorable little kids. (I'm such a sucker for kids.)
* a-mazing crawfish.
* root beer floats on a summer night.
* text messages that make me smile.

Guitar

As the summer comes to a close I find myself getting rather melancholy. Everyone seems to be going back to school, and I had no idea how much I would want to go with them. But it is also a time of such incredible gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for in my life. So here are a few:

* Guitar. I've been playing (or at least attempting to play) every day, and getting a little bit better each day.
* The bizarre mash up I made of 9 Crimes and Umbrella tonight on the guitar. Something about the crazy combination of depressed and peppy. LOVE IT!
* Only having three more performances of Calamity Jane left. Though I know I will miss it. I will have performed it over 30 times by the end of next week. It has been a fun role, but I'm ready to move on.
* Having four performances of Leading Ladies left. It is such a fun show!
* The Taffetas. It is the musical we open in two weeks (holy crap!!). It is an adorable show and it is fun to have the energy of four girls working together. So much music to learn, but it is going to be such a cute show. As long as we all don't kill each other in rehearsal.
* Friends. new and old. Sometimes I feel like I put a lot more energy into some friendships than the other halves seem to, and sometimes that is okay, and sometimes it is not. But I feel like I have some amazing people in my life and I've been learning to distinguish which are the ones worth fighting for.
* Travel. I'm getting very excited for my road trip! Less than six weeks!
* Andrea visiting in just a couple weeks! I'm so excited to see her.
* That we all always have the ability to learn and to grow. I have a long way to go, and this summer has taught me a lot. Now for putting observations into positive actions...hmmm. :)
* This wonderful blog and the women who are so much better about posting than I am. I always enjoy reading about your gratitude.

namaste

Day 403: RZ

Today, I am grateful for:
* the Red Oak Fillin' Station.
* fashion.
* the RZP.
* fashion buddies in L and K.
* quality reading time.

Day 402: Angels

Today, I am grateful for:
* Doby's adorableness.
* decently untacky greeting cards.
* footie pajamas.
* Warehouse 13.
* guardian angels.

Day 401: Arlington Lawn

Today, I am grateful for:
* sings that say things they shouldn't.
* realizing that some of my clothes actually look better on me now that I've gained weight.
* miniature syrup bottles. (So cute.)
* the next door neighbors.
* a beautiful walk in the park to end the night.

Day 400: Memories

After hearing that a friend's great-grandmother passed away today, I started thinking about all the people I've lost. My mom and I took a drive and just talked about memories of my grandparents, my aunt, Peter... It was sad, but it was happy at the same time. I can't really explain it...

So I came back home and looked through all of my grandfather's stuff, and actually found some pretty amazing things. I'm looking forward to doing something with it.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the memories.
* my grandfather's things.
* the gorgeous day we had.
* feeling like I might actually sleep tonight.
* my cupcake picture/card holders.

Day 399: Cupcake Tank

Today, I am grateful for:
* a healthier spin on one of my favorite dinners.
* art.
* good music.
* fun clothes.
* Phil's family being home safe from SF.

Day 398: Duey

Today, I am grateful for:
* Bubba's Catfish.
* funny Southern expressions.
* Jackie's package coming in the mail today.
* my brother, who turns 27 today. (Happy birthday, baby brother!)
* Duey, the neighbor's Basset Hound. His hip is having all sorts of trouble, but he went on the walk with us tonight and kept stopping and asking for fussings. A-dorable.

Day 397: An Addition

Since Phil and his family have been in SF, I've been remembering the trip that Lauren, Kelli and I took together. They're memories I'm grateful for. They always make me smile, and it was an amazing bonding experience between the three of us. And while looking through all the SF stuff I kept, I found a list of quotes that I kept on my cell phone during the trip.

The list goes like this:

"Don't throw books on hungry!" -Kelli valiantly defending a stuffed personification of Hungry during a commercial

"Not so much devious as racially inappropriate." -Me trying to cover my face except for my eyes with my scarf in an attempt to seem mysterious

"It's the Sorting Hat. But less cool. And douchy." -My reaction to a guy wearing a Standford Business School jacket that I clearly found pretentious

"If you're going to have The Sex, you're going to get The Cancer" -Lauren and I discussing...sex ed programs, I think...

Books.

I'm exhausted, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet today. I hope to do a real update soon. This summer has been absolutely ridiculous, and I feel you ladies would get a kick out of some of the craziness. But for tonight I'm going to settle for a quick list of gratitude.

*Smiling, it's my favorite.
* Our fall show. We are doing the Taffetas. We start rehearsing soon and it is adorable.
* Plans to go down to SLC Oct 1 to see Blue October. Yay for concerts
* My cat. Pooka, he is adorable.
* My dad's cat Pesto being negative for all feline diseases. We can now introduce him to Pooka and get him a new friend to play with! yay!

Day 397: "I got a new hair cut, new dress, a pair of new shoes / I got an attitude that might be rude, but that's how I cruise"

Today, I am grateful for:
* my ModCloth dress coming in the mail today.
* free swag. Love it.
* Spy Games.
* memories of SF.
* Next to Normal.

Day 396: My Heart In San Francisco

Today, I am grateful for:
* spending time on the mountain.
* being back on a normal sleep schedule.
* getting the anniversary plans worked out!
* UPS package tracking.
* text pictures from San Francisco.

prodigal gratitude

I know I've been mia for quite a while now, but I'm back, and I'm going to try to be back more regularly...

This summer has been bizarre, and I feel a return to a gratitude focus is just what I need. So, here goes, I'm going to keep this one short since I'm on my bberry...

*my blackberry. I love it and I'm not ashamed.
*girls' night. It was amazing.
*getting paid to do theatre for four months.
*making people happy
*the guitar. My new adventure and obsession.

Days 392-95:: Right Side Up

I am grateful for:
* my frog prince.
* picture texts from SF.
* my dress being on the way.
* toy catalogues.
* the adorableness of the dogs.
* bucket lists.
* packages being in the mail.
* eating healthy.
* good music.
* finishing both my books.
* a few new ideas about the future.
* Aveeno lotion.
* The Daily Show.
* Rachel Maddow.

Day 391: 103 Degrees

Today, I am grateful for:
* my new dress being on the way from ModCloth. Love it.
* a phone date tonight.
* finally seeing Green Zone last night. It was incredible.
* a nice, healthy dinner (except for the white win I added).
* my packages being delivered.

Day 390: "It's like getting your teeth cleaned by Paula Dean."

Today, I am grateful for:
* my awesome dental hygienist. She's the sweetest.
* a giant root beer float when it was 111 degrees today.
* Wii shopping with Bec. We're going to make great shopping partners.
* summer dresses.
* air conditioning.

Days 388 & 389: PLUtonic's Got Talent

Apologies for the lack of post yesterday. I was busy having a Lutegasm over seeing the PLU (where I went to college) men's acapella choir compete on America's Got Talent. They totally rocked it, and even though they didn't make it to the semis, I'm super proud to be a Lute and to have known some of those guys.

I am grateful for:
* PLUtonic.
* all of my Lutes.
* chatting with Miss Anne today.
* memories of the nursery rhyme song.
* getting all my packages mailed today.
* having L and Kelli for honest fashion advice.
* the sweetness of Hobo. He's sleeping on the porch in 83 degree weather instead of going home because he just wants love. He completely touches my heart.
* fun fashion.
* good books.
* good music.

Day 387

Today, I am grateful for:
* Kathy enjoying the book.
* Advil. I've had a killer headache all day.
* good comedy.
* long, hot showers.
* my brother's basketball shorts.

Day 386: "No pugs were hurt during that clip."

Today had all of the makings of a really shitty day. I woke up feeling really sick on my mother's birthday, could barely make it out of bed, missed the birthday festivities and had my mother not-so-subtly not-so-happy about it. I felt pretty damn awful. Upwards of "pretty damn" actually... But Kelli let me get it all out, and Phil made me smile (and laugh). And at just past 2am, I'm actually having a pretty good day. Better late than never, right?

Today, I am grateful for:
* always being able to turn to Kelli.
* the way Phil can always make me smile.
* voice messages.
* late night ebelskivers.
* Sophie, who stayed with me the entire day.

Day 385: Water World

Today, I am grateful for:
* Nate's visit.
* a solid nap today.
* good books.
* a phone date with Phil tonight.
* finding the USA Swim championships on tv today.

Day 384: Mojito

It's Nate's last day in Hot Springs. I wish I had been more exciting, but I was exhausted, so I spent most of the day in bed falling in and out of sleep. But tonight was another trip into town and some good Mexican food.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Romancing the Stone.
* Nate's visit.
* a solid mojito.
* a cool day today. It was only about 85 all day. It felt sooooo good.
* sleep.

Day 383: Love

Today, I am grateful for:
* fun rocks.
* a movie night with the whole fam.
* Riley and Tyler. They're so adorable.
* last night's movie night with the kids.
* Yarnell's ice cream. It's ridiculous. But wonderful.

Celebrate Equality, Celebrate LOVE!!!

Today, I am grateful that Prop 8 has been overturned!!!!!!!

We are one step closer to equality for all, and I couldn't be happier. We are all people and we all deserve the same civil rights, and that includes the right to marry whoever we love regardless of their gender. Now that gay marriage is legal in California, it's only a matter of time before it's legal nation-wide. I am thrilled that my many gay and lesbian friends will no longer be punished for simply loving who they love.

Like Sam said, this is an amazing, historic day. So c'mon... Celebrate Equality, Celebrate LOVE!

Day 382: All Men Are Created Equal

Today is an amazing, historic day. And an inspiring one at that. Prop 8 was overturned and thrown out by a California judge today on the basis that Prop 8 was unconstitutional and violated the civil rights of gays and lesbians everywhere. Today, a court ruled that we can't deny people rights based on who they love.

I can't imagine being told that my love was less legitimate than any other love. I can't imagine being told that Phil and I wouldn't be allowed to marry. I'm extremely lucky. But others aren't as lucky, and that breaks my heart.

This is just the beginning (or the continuation of the beginning) of a much bigger fight for equality. First California, then the whole country. That's my dream.

Today, I am grateful:
* that equality and love prevailed today.
* that I have been lucky enough to have found love and not be punished or persecuted for it.
* the two amazing couples who fought Prop 8 and one. They are courageous and inspiring, and the world needs more people like them.
* love in general.
* that the movement continues.

Day 381: Crushed Red Pepper Flakes

Today, I am grateful for:
* free Clinique swag.
* text messaging.
* a movie date with Riley and Tyler tomorrow!
* pizza dinner. Not healthy. But wonderful.
* finding the perfect gift!

Day 380: Goodbye Finnish Fortress

I've been a little off today, despite spending the day with my brother looking for stuff for his place. Maybe it's the Blackhawks having let Niemi (my favorite player) go. Maybe it's that I haven't had feeling in the tip of one of my fingers since I woke this morning. (I've been told this is not such an awesome thing...) Maybe it's because I've been reading a bunch about World War II lately. Maybe it's that I'm missing my man like crazy. Maybe it's because I forgot to take my Celexa last night. "Maybe" a lot of things, but I'm definitely not at my best right now. And I'm not really sure what to do to fix it.

It's days like these that I find myself scrolling the archives of Daily Gratitude, not just for my own writing but for the writings of others. Especially for the writings of others. It reminds me of things I love and people I love and the little things in life that seem insignificant but keep a smile on my face. Today, I needed that, so I offer my thanks to my fellow Ladies of Gratitude and to the people who follow this little project.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Daily Gratitude.
* my brother being here.
* the little things in my room that hold so many memories.
* my adorable dogs.
* Naveen.

Days 378 & 379: Pregnant Women Are Smug

I am grateful for:
* Garfunkel & Oates.
* texting.
* the satisfaction of having assembled a bbq with my brother.
* good books.
* good music.
* voice messages.
* Rufus and Sophie.
* being a whole family again for a while.
* Nate inviting Phil and me both for Thanksgiving in Philly, along with my parents.
* fresh cut flowers.

Day 377: Chubby Bitches

Everything's fine. I just miss saying that...

Today, I am grateful for:
* my brother being in town.
* a morning chat with Becca.
* ebelskivers.
* how adorable Hobo is.
* bucket lists.

The Rules

Sam and I are both missing San Francisco today... and thus I've been thinking about The Rules - a list that originated on that trip and has governed our lives for over a year now. Scarcely a day goes by when I am not grateful for The Rules. Kelli and Sam have often Rule 15'd me into a great pair of shoes, one extra drink, or some eye-tennis with a cute boy. All three of us have Rule 6'd each other to save ourselves the consequences of wearing leggings as pants or doing/saying/texting something we'll regret the next morning. In short, The Rules are for the greater good of all.

And I now feel the need to share the full list 1) for archival purposes, 2) so that they may enrich your own life, and 3) because tonight, we added a new Rule. Don't fret if you don't understand some of The Rules... just trust that they will never fail you.

The Rules:

1) No beating each other. (Exception: Beating others is acceptable if Sam leads us down a dark alley.)

2) No apologizing for being girly.

3) "Chubby bitches" is the safe word. And possibly a compound word.*

4) Blame Jessica Biel.

5) No getting rabies.

6) Don't do that / Intervention for your own safety.

7) No STDs.

8) What happens in San Fran stays in San Fran.

9) No pulling a Stacey.

10) No falling in the water - you will get left behind.

11) No exploding.**

12) Don't provoke the gorillas.***

13) Stop making eye contact / Quality control.

14) Equal or better ratios!

15) Just fucking do it! (Sexual favors excluded.)

16) All texts to boys must be approved.

17) No exercising on vacation.

18) You must be able to walk your own ass home.

Aaaand, #19, which was added tonight:

No using dollar signs in place of letters. (Sam will never be $am.)

Because while I will admit that her song "My First Kiss" is really damn catchy and stuck in my head - I blame SYTYCD - I refuse to spell Kesha's name that way.

And there you have 'em, ladies. (And anyone else who reads our little blog.) Use them wisely.

*I should note that "Pomegranate" has become a safe word too... though it is also the word used to summon the fashion intervention team. Yes, it's confusing.

** Don't worry, we were never actually at risk of exploding or getting rabies or STDs in San Fran. We just figured those were generally good Rules for everyday life.

***I love that this Rule originated because we were planning to visit the San Francisco Zoo, but we never actually made it there. And yet the Rule still exists.

Day 376: I Love You Because

Today, I am grateful for:
* the perfect arrangement of pillows.
* sound recording capabilities on my phone.
* my brother getting in tomorrow morning!
* another phone date tonight.
* pictures from SF.

Days 372-75: Tailor Made

The past two evenings have been spent hanging out with the neighbors. Last night we had Curtis and Charlotte over for a family-style dinner, and tonight we went out with Don and Debbie to The Colorado Grill in downtown Hot Springs. We all see each other every other day at the very least, but it's always nice to spend the time catching up. We've been out on the boats with them and out to dinner with them, and we've been through some pretty big life events together. They're amazing people. And while I can't wait to move back to Washington, I'll miss having them as neighbors. I'd love for my parents to stay here just so Phil and I could come back and visit.

I am grateful for:
* Southern nail polish.
* dinners out.
* dinners in.
* my brother coming on Friday.
* Riley and Tyler coming for a visit soon.
* phone dates.
* changing a recipe completely around and having it work out.
* my J. Vincent stilettos.
* having a good friend trust me with some information.
* Make Up Mah Jongg on Cosmo Online. (Judge all you want. It's addictive.)
* getting something I've been stressed over for a while all figured out today.
* music that makes me want to dance.
* unlimited texting.
* getting to hear the neighbors gush about how much they like Phil.
* feeling a little less mope-tastic.

Day 371: White Roses

Today, I am grateful for:
* my mama bringing me flowers home because I'm still mope-tastic and missing Phil.
* chocolate ebelskivers.
* Curtis and Charlotte.
* my new sweatshirt from TTR&E. It was a sweet birthday present.
* Cake Boss.

Days 365-70: One Year

I missed the one year anniversary of Daily Gratitude. An absence for which I apologize. The truth is, Day 365 was probably my most grateful day. It was Phil's last day here, a day for which I am completely grateful for. That week with P was one of the best, if not the best week of my life.

I realized I've been referring to him as P this entire time, save a few minor slip-ups. This was partly to protect him and partly to protect me in case things didn't work out. But he's the guy I love and the man I want to spend my life with, so he deserves more than an initial. His name is Phil. And he's amazing.

I am grateful for:
* Phil.
* his week here in Hot Springs.
* my frog prince.
* paintings of waterfalls.
* good friends.
* air conditioning.
* movies.
* handmade crosses.
* masquerade masks.
* feeling completely content in one person's arms.

Day 364: 500 Posts of Gratitude

Today, I am grateful for:
* a-mazing food.
* looking with P for stuff for our place.
* a fun day of getting to be a couple.
* pocket hearts.
* discovering new parts of Little Rock and Hot Springs.

Day 363: Ebelskivers

Today, I am grateful for:
* showing P my town today.
* mango margaritas.
* hypothetical haunted bath houses.
* fun masks.
* the back rub I'm getting while typing this.

Days 360-62: Peace

I am grateful for:
* having P here.
* spending yesterday floating on the lake together (even if it did lead to some sun burning).
* how great the neighbors have been.
* how cute the dogs have been.
* waking up and falling asleep next to him.
* having known Peter, a dear friend of mine who passed away this morning. He was larger than life with a heart to match.
* sunshine.
* the prospect of exploring LR.
* memories. Of Peter. Of friends. Of family.
* cupcakes.

Day 359: Only A Day Away

Today, I am grateful for:
* free VS swag when I went in to buy a new bra and new sweatpants. Expensive swag... I love.
* perfect cupcakes. P has never tasted my baking, so I wanted to make him some of my signature cupcakes.
* P getting here tomorrow!
* a fabulous night of television.
* K being back safe!

"I guess when you think about it, all the best things in life are like magic - music, laughin', fallin' in love."

I am grateful.

I am grateful for making peace with the bad moments because I know I'm meant for bigger and better things.

I'm grateful for this newfound assurance and confidence.

I'm grateful for completely surreal moments that reaffirm my life choices, like after last night's show when nearly 70 high school students wanted pictures with Steve and I in the lobby.

I'm grateful for my castmates who continuously encourage, energize, and love me.

I'm grateful for Bethany, who is seriously one of the absolute best stage managers I've ever had.

I'm grateful that even when we can't be together, my best friends are only a text-message away.

I'm grateful that my grandparents were able to see me perform on opening night.

I'm grateful that the show has been so well received thus far.

I'm grateful for the power of music.

I'm grateful that inspiration is all around me.

I'm grateful to have someone crush-worthy in my life, even if I'm completely and utterly confused by his signals right now.

I'm grateful for the magic that is "eye-tennis."

I'm grateful that my girls will talk me through anything.

I'm grateful for the gorgeous hot weather we've had lately.

I'm grateful that K comes home soon.

I'm grateful to have some time to rest & recharge now that I've survived tech & opening weekend. (Though I know I'll start feeling restless and useless without things to do.)

I'm grateful that I'm finally blogging again!

Day 358: Soul Searching (Continued)

The soul searching definitely carried into today. And yet, "soul searching" isn't really the right name for it. It's just the only name I could come up with...

What started as wondering where my life would go resulted in realizing exactly how much of my life I have figured out. I know where I want to live. I know who I want to spend my life with and who I want to have children with. I know which friends I will be friends with for the rest of my life and who I can always count on for a laugh or a safe place to cry. I know where I want to end up geographically and spiritually, and I have a pretty damn good idea of how to get there.

What I don't have figured out is work. And that scared me because that used to be life. For the majority of my life, I've been focused on balancing school and/or work with the rest of my life and letting the rest of my life take a back seat (or the trunk). So it took really sitting down and thinking about it to realize that that isn't the center of my life anymore. People are.

And having the people I love be my center is exactly the type of life I want to lead. I have an amazing group of people in my life, and they deserve to be cherished. And I deserve to have a cherished relationship with them.

I love being a career bitch. No doubt. But that's not what defines me anymore. It's merely a single facet among many. And I think I'm going to be even happier now that I have that figured out.

Today, I am grateful for:
* all of the wonderful people in my life.
* having P here in a few days.
* fun restaurants and recipes for said visit.
* good books. (I'm reading A Vintage Affair and absolutely loving it.)
* campari and orange spritzers.

Day 357: Wild Hope

Today started as a day that my mom and I were going to go prematurely (and immaturely) Christmas crazy. And that did, in fact, happen. (Hallmark unveiled the first part of their Keepsake Ornament collection today for Christmas 2010.) But for a day that started as one very much about material things, I've been thinking a lot about where my heart is. Obvious answers include: with Phil, in Seattle, the left side of my person... And those are all completely true. But I guess I thought of it in more of a "What do I want to do with my one wild and precious life?" sort of way. (Fellow Lutes, I apologize for the reference, but it happens to fit.) How do I want to leave a mark in this life? What do I want to do with my passions? What are my greatest passions? How am I going to afford to eat in the process?

I've come up with some answers that I already knew and some answers that are pleasant surprises. For example, realizing how much I want a family makes me smile. Knowing who that family will be with makes me smile. Knowing where that mark will be made makes me smile. And yet there are some questions left. Is this what I really want? Is it a remotely good idea? Will it screw me and P over economically? Where do I start? They aren't unaswerable questions, but they're currently unanswered. I have a lot of thinking to do...

In the meantime, I am grateful for:
* good books.
* fun Christmas ornaments.
* the possibilities of the future.
* P being only days away.
* seeing Duey and Hobo today.

Days 355 & 356: Baby Steps

Okay, so the offerings aren't as consistent as I'd like, but I promise I'm still grateful. I've just had a lot to do lately. P comes on Tuesday, so I've been cleaning house and getting things in order, and I had to go to the doctor yesterday (which I hate doing), so that sucked up a fair amount of my energy. But overall, things have been good.

I am grateful for:
* my new jeans.
* a new swimsuit.
* my Blackhawks shirt!
* a boyfriend with wonderful fashion sense who also happens to be adorable.
* Bec.
* friends understanding weird dreams.
* getting the shadowbox up on the wall.
* a card from Em!
* my adorable dogs.
* bright pink nail polish.

Days 352-54: Walking In Memphis

I am grateful for:
* P's upcoming visit.
* a good trip to Memphis today.
* cute FB pictures.
* texting with friends.
* reliving my childhood.
* my dogs and how adorable they are.
* morning walks.
* photos.
* new cupcake ideas.
* madelines.
* new jewelry.
* sunshine and rain together.

Day 351: Naveen

Today, I am grateful for:
* good recipes.
* texting.
* dvd rentals.
* Studio 60 being released to NF Instant.
* P.

Day 350: Relaxation

It's been a nice, relaxing day. I haven't really done much. I reheated yesterday's wonderful food and did a lot of checking stuff online.

So, today I am grateful for:
* relaxation.
* how well the spanikopita reheated.
* coming up with a fun recipe for gluten free cupcakes to suggest to Em!
* my own personal Naveen.
* good, food-based television.

Days 340-49: Birthday Bitch

Wow. It has been a long time since I've gotten my gratitude on. Way too long. And the truth is, I have no excuse. Life hasn't been super busy or more complicated than usual. I've just been lazy.

But today is my 24th birthday, so it seemed like the perfect day to recommit myself to this practice. The past few days have given me so much to be grateful for.

For example, I am grateful for:
* all the sweet, loving and wonderful birthday wishes I received today. From Facebook, to texts, to phone calls - it's all been wonderful. I got to text with my girls, talk with my brother, talk with P, talk to P's mom and sister and see Riley and Tyler. I couldn't have asked for more love.
* cute new stuff for P's and my place! My mom picked out some great stuff that will turn the apartment into a home.
* doing the cupcakes for Em's wedding! 'm so far beyond excited that I get to do this for Em and Clay!
* my own frog prince.
* spending the day in the kitchen. I made spanikopita, chocolate spice cupcakes (with chocolate ganache and candied ginger) and orange/campari spritzers.
* Riley and Tyler. The neighbors' grandkids are in town, and they are the sweetest kids ever. We've been playing a lot, and they surprised me this morning with flowers. A-dorable.

Holy Crap It's JULY?!

That's right, it's July. It's been July for like two days. Crazy. So I've been back in my native land for about a month. I have to say I suck at posting, I know, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful like every day for something I just forget to share it with you all on here! Sooooo....I'm excited for the 4th of July. It's not my fave holiday (although now that I think of it I don't think I have a favorite) but who doesn't love food, drinks and fireworks? I'm excited to spend time with Nellie and just hang out, it's been so long since we've done that (like about two years long) and I always have a good time with her and she always makes me laugh with some kind of snarky comment. I love the snarky. I welcome the snarky. Bring it on.

I just got back from camping and let me tell you: I AM NOT A CAMPING KINDA GIRL. No way, no how. I tried so if anyone asks in the future I can politely decline. It was definitely beautiful but I shall now go back to my usual comment about camping: "Camping to me is staying in a bad hotel room." And I've done that kind of camping and PREFER it. I don't mind a faucet that doesn't always work or a mattress that droops in the middle so that you're sliding into your sleeping partner who you'd rather not slide into (like your grandma. Yeah, I know, picture that people, picture it!). And do you know why I like this kind of camping? CAUSE IT'S INSIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Under a roof. With doors and A/C (or not if it's super bad camping) and a toilet INSIDE. So, yeah.

Anyways, onto the things I'm grateful for:

• Being able to housesit. I have a whole house to myself and it's quite lovely.
• The possibility of seeing the CO bestie the end of this month. I believe her dad lives in the 'Couv and so she'll get to come stay with me at my other housesitting gig on Vashon Island!!!! Woot.
• Housesitting gig on Vashon. Holy crap that place is beautiful and how have I not been there before? I'm super excited for this, and this gig comes with two cute dogs to look after, too.
• My mom being THE most supportive person EVER.
• Potential stage managing gig. It'll be nice to get some more experience on the other side of the stage and let's be honest, I love being in charge-o-stuff.
• My new nail polish. It's a golden-yellow that is super pretty. It's a nice, easy way to do something different for cheap and feel amazing after.
• Feeling better. The above mentioned camping trip left me feeling not so great and I think by tomorrow I'll be 100 percent which is needed so I can start practicing again (I've been a slacker and then got sick...so yeah.)
• Inception. This movie canNOT come out soon enough. I ADORE just about everyone in it (Joseph Gordon Levitt anyone?) and I'm super excited about seeing it!
• The Real Housewives of ANYTHING. Endless amounts of entertainment. Also canNOT wait for part deux of RHONJ. Bring it Danielle, bring it Teresa, bring it.

That's all for now I think. I love you all!!

Embarking on an Adventure

In three hours, I head to the airport. In about nine, I fly out of the country.

I know I've been absent from this blog recently. It's not for a lack of gratefulness. It's mostly because my job has made me too tired to think enough to post. (At least that's the excuse I'm giving.) I'm rather grateful for that job though. :) But now, I have a unique opportunity to jump start my practice of gratitude.

As I said, I'm leaving the country. I'll be spending just under three weeks in Liberia, West Africa. I'll be with a team from my church, doing a medical missions trip. We'll be setting up a clinic in a remote part of the country and doing lots of diagnosing, handing out medications, and even some simple surgeries. I expect to go through lots of challenges, hopefully more than a few triumphs, and I hope that I learn a whole new meaning for the word gratitude.

I'm excited to come back and have lots of stories to tell. Please keep me in your prayers/thoughts/send me good vibes. See you all on the other side of this crazy ride!

Day 339: Cupcakes

I spent the day baking for a neighbor. Not that I'm not enjoying the benefits of having sugar close at hand...

Today, I am grateful for:
* spending the day in the kitchen.
* Doby.
* Hobo.
* a-mazing phone dates.
* assurance.

Days 337 & 338: Hero Journey

I am grateful for:
* getting to nerd out with Justin via text tonight. He's one of my best friends, but I don't get to talk to him that much, and tonight we've gotten to just be us.
* chatting with Clare these last few days. I miss that girl.
* Cupcake Wars. It's a new show on Food Network that I can see becoming rather addicting. I mean, it's cupcakes...
* a care package from Manda coming in the mail today. She's such a sweetheart. She knew I'd be missing P, so she sent me chocolate and kick ass CDs all the way from Sweden. It totally brightened my day.
* the plumber finally showing up today to fix the leak in the downstairs ceiling that we told property management about two freaking days ago. Nice guy. Good work. Rufus approved.
* phone dates. Getting to hear P's voice is never a bad thing.
* a lead on a good apartment complex. Granted, I'm not actually moving until September, but it's nice to know what's out there, and I've bookmarked the complex I like to check availability in a few months.
* packing peanuts. They're just fun...
* plans to bake cupcakes tomorrow (and mini cheesecakes). I have the serious urge to bake, so I'm pulling out two of my summer favorites.
* the neighborhood dogs. There really is never a dull moment.

Day 336: Support System

Today, I am grateful for:
* my amazing friends. I really have the most fantastic Chosen Family. They aren't afraid to be honest with me, but they also trust me as a person and make me think over things in a new way. I need that, even if it's just to confirm what I'm thinking. I've got the best support system a girl could ask for.
* my mom being so supportive. She's been good and realistic about the life that I have ahead of me, and she would never support something just to take the easy road, but she respects my intuition, and even when I don't like what she has to say, it's usually for the best. It's felt really good to have her in my corner today.
* P. I promise not to get too sappy here. Really, I promise. But today has been one of those, "I love you no matter what days," and it's been very reaffirming.
* P's parents. Yet another part of my support system. I think it's the greatest sign of trust/approval to say that you trust someone with your child's heart.
* unlimited texting. It makes the above support system possible without my having to live in a box. ...Which would suck hardcore in Arkansas weather.

Day 335: Panda

Today, I am grateful for:
* my grandparents' stuff coming today.
* nap time.
* having an "ours."
* how adorable Rufus is.
* relaxation.

Day 334: Good News

Today, I am grateful for:
* the amazingness that is knowing my plans for the future.
* getting to see the SYTYCD Top 11 tonight.
* Amy.
* my new cookbook.
* not being sad anymore.

Day 333: "It's arts and crafts time!"

Today, I am grateful for:
* a mother that puts up with my moping.
* seeing all the dogs this morning.
* epic amounts of napping today.
* Sophie and Rufus.
* possible February plans.

Day 332: Hot Springs

I'm back in Hot Springs as of tonight. And I'm incredibly mopey. I miss P. I miss Seattle. I miss my friends. I miss his family. And here I am...

I am grateful for:
* P.
* good friends.
* the sweetness of P's mom getting me a cookbook.
* fun recipes.
* a future.

Days 330 & 331: Ours

Today is my last day in Seattle before flying back hella early tomorrow morning. Every once in a while, the sadness creeps in with the reminder that I don't get to stay here, that it's just a visit. But I'm also determined to enjoy every last moment. I don't want to be so focused on tomorrow that I forget about today. Today will be an amazing last day.

I am grateful for:
* this trip.
* getting to see friends.
* getting to see P.
* seeing family, both my own and my future family.
* sunshine.
* hugs.
* laughing to incredibly hard this week.
* knowing.
* honest conversation.

"And let us try, before we die, to make some sense of life. We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good - we'll do the best we know."

"We'll build our house, and chop our wood, and make our garden grow."

Today, I am full of love. Maybe it's because the sun has finally returned, maybe it's from spending the evening on the deck enjoying family & the dogs, maybe it's some sort of love-hangover from all of the friends (new and old) I've seen this week. Whatever the reason, my heart feels full - and I am grateful for it.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Candide, which closes tomorrow. I'm sending all the love I have to the cast and crew for a fantastic closing. I've said it time and again, but really, words cannot express how grateful I am to have met so many talented and warm-hearted people and to have worked on such a beautifully designed, directed, sung and acted show. I am honored and blessed.
• having met Stanley (who plays Candide). Not only is he a brilliant talent and a joy to watch on stage, but he is truly one of the kindest souls I have ever met.
• seeing so many friends this week, especially Sam. I can't wait until your next trip home, girl.
• sunshine, after so much rain. (Literally and metaphorically.)
• feeling confident that one day I will be living and working in Seattle, doing what I love to do. I don't know when or how, but there's just something in my gut that tells me it's going to happen.
• infinite possibilities.
• love, in all forms.

Day 329: Flashback

P took me to see a production of Alice today at EdCC. It's been way too long since I've been to any sort of theatre. Plus, we got to see Sarah, who niehter of us has seen since high school, so that was a pleasant surprise. And now it's off to introduce our parents to each other!

Today, I am grateful for:
* accurate clocks.
* theatre.
* adorable surprises.
* seeing Sarah.
* tonight.

Days 327 & 328; Jeggings

I am grateful for:
* getting to see friends.
* getting to introduce P to said friends.
* laughing so hard my abs hurt.
* the way P calms me down.
* getting to wake up next to him.
* P's shirt.
* love from friends.
* getting to hang out with the fam last night.
* laughing with Tina and Em.
* Dick's cheeseburgers.

Day 326: The Homeland

I'm in Seattle! P picked my mom and me up at the airport last night and took us over to my aunt and uncle's house, where we're staying for about a week. We stayed and talked for a while chatting and catching up before running off together.

Today, I am grateful for:
* being in Seattle!
* an amazing night with P.
* honest conversations.
* Dick's cheeseburgers.
* seeing people tonight!

I am so ready for an epic seven days.

Day 325: Flying Out

I'm at the Little Rock airport waiting for my flight right now. It's my least favorite part of flying since I don't want to start on my book yet or waste battery on my ipod, and I'm not actually on my way yet. But at least I'm here. At least I have completed step one.

P is picking my mom and me up at the airport in Seattle, and I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand, I want to see him as soon as possible, but I also want to be able to greet him properly, and standing in his arms periodically kissing him is not something I care to do in front of my mother. But oh well. I'm excited to see him.

Today, I am grateful for:
* feeling cute today.
* heading to Seattle today.
* peanut butter M&Ms. They're my favorite travel snack.
* good books.
* having a week with friends, P and family.

Day 324: Tamar

Today, I am grateful for:
* amazing books.
* bright pink Bohemian Rhapsody toenail polish.
* flying out tomorrow.
* P picking my mom and me up from the airport.
* Paula Cole.

Days 322 & 323: The Finnish Fortress

Today, I am grateful for:
* my adorable dogs.
* compromises.
* a great game of hockey.
* Manda being so understanding.
* being two days away.

Day 321

I always get lonely in the days before a Seattle visit. I wish I could be with friends or with Phil instead of isolated in AR. Today was definitely one of those days.

Today, I am grateful for:
* a virtual girls' night with L.
* the Ghost Bros.
* the Blackhawks.
* being close to a visit.
* knowing.

Day 320: Straight Buc

Today, I am grateful for:
* SYTYCD.
* tonight's phone date.
* a morning workout with Rufus.
* not caring that I totally fucked up my diet today.
* inspiring, amazing stories.

Day 319: Shirley

Today, I am grateful for:
* fish tacos.
* getting my hair done. It always makes me feel good.
* Andrew from Costco's Online Pharmacy. C.O.P. has been seriously fucking up my birth control, and he did a bunch of looking and tried like 50 billion things to try and make it right. He single-handedly restored my faith in that pharmacy.
* SYTYCD. Our girls' nights are back!
* P having a new phone!

Day 318: Finder's

Today, I am grateful for:
* a few days without my dad.
* a girls' shopping day with my mom.
* finding $60 that I didn't know I had.
* my new tee shirt.
* the Blackhawks being 2-0!

NOH8

Today, I'm grateful for:

• President Obama declaring June LGBT Pride Month. Hooray for another step towards equality for all! Read the press release at: http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/presidential-proclamation-lesbian-gay-bisexual-and-transgender-pride-month
• an afternoon of good food, cooking shows, and games of cards with the family + Grandma Grace.
• the interview for my promotion going well. (I think, anyway.) Now it's just wait and see. Fingers crossed.
• my mama's incredible cooking.
• Candide. My internship is over now, but I still find myself thinking about what an incredible production it turned out to be and how amazing it was to be a part of it from the very beginning (back in the fall! Has it really been that long?!) I hope I get a chance to see it again, even if I sit way up in the back of the balcony.

Day 317: Elegance is Learned

Today, I am grateful for:
* having a relaxing day today.
* Duey.
* being only eight days away.
* sunshine.
* unlimited texting.

Day 316: Nine Days

Today, I am grateful for:
* the Hawks winning last night!
* an amazing phone date with P last night.
* Riley and Tyler.
* the flowers Riley and Tyler brought over.
* Lie to Me. It's kind of amazing.

Day 315: Hobo

The neighbors' grandchildren are in town for the long weekend. And while I know that sounds like it could be an awful weekend of too much noise and not enough space where I can swear without imparting new vocabulary upon an eight-year-old, I love these kids. They're the type of kids that make my mind go, "I want kids like that!" They're social and loving and outgoing and polite, and kids say the most adorable things. This morning I was informed that the girls' snorkels make it so they can breathe underwater for "like 30 hours." A-dorable. And we always get to see them because they come over to visit the dogs. So I get my daily dose of cuteness while Rufus, Sophie and Doby get their fix of lovings. It's perfect.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the grandkids' visit.
* an AM phone date with Kim! It was so good to talk to her.
* the adorableness that is Hobo coming running towards me because he wants some love.
* Stanley Cup hockey today! (Go Blackhawks!)
* a phone date with P tonight.

Day 314: Say Yes

Today, I am grateful for:
* tasty, healthy food.
* a night with my mama.
* phone dates tomorrow!
* sunshine.
* nHobo wanting to cuddle this morning.

Day 313: Run Away

Today, I am grateful for:
* recapturing Rufus after he accidentally got out the garage door.
* all the love and support.
* SYTYCD returning tonight.
* getting to stay in bed for a long time after the morning walk.
* being only 12 days away from him.

Day 312: In Loving Memory

My aunt CeCe died last night. I found out through my cousin's Facebook page as I checked a few things before I was going to head to bed. She had been in the hospital for a day or two when things unexpectedly, and quickly, got worse. So I walked out of my room, walked up to my father, sat down and told him that his sister had died. It was one of the hardest, most painful things I've had to do.

CeCe and I didn't see a ton of each other, but we always got along amazingly well when we were together. She gave some of the best hugs and always left a lipstick stain of love on your cheek. Her vibrance is something I won't forget. She was certainly one of my favorite people on my dad's side of the family.

I'll miss her.

Today has been a day of coping. It's been a day of sleeping, since I couldn't sleep through the nightmares last night. It's been a day of family, never leaving each other alone. It's been a day of frustration, since two guys who were supposed to do work on the house a few weeks ago showed up this morning unannounced and started drilling into the wall directly behind my bed. It's been a day of love, past and present.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Becca making me smile.
* the immense comfort that P gives me, even from far away.
* the time I had with CeCe.
* the memories I'll keep with me.
* all the loved ones I have.

Day 311: Come Original

Today, I am grateful for:
* a boyfriend who cares enough to ask.
* bro-a-thons.
* pictures from SF when I'm wishing we were back there.
* Glee. Tonight's episode made me happy. Love the costumes and arrangements.
* cooking with my mama.

Days 308-310: A Little Catch Up

I've been fragile the past couple of days, which is why I haven't been posting as often as I would like. I've been having serious body image issues lately, and it's taken me a while to back in the "right' mind set. But hopefully now things will get better. I'm still not happy with myself at the moment, but I'm getting there.

These past days, I have been grateful for:
* seeing a turtle super up close during a morning walk.
* phone dates.
* healthy food.
* work out dvds from NetFlix.
* unlimited texting.
* the Hawks heading to the Stanley Cup finals!
* virtual hockey dates.
* Becca wanting to come visit.
* good friends.
* friendly neighbors.
* cute sweats.
* finding the perfect gift.
* being able to girl out with Amy.
* sunshine.
* a good book.

Day 307: Phone Dates

I'm pretty sure phone dates are the best thing ever. Just for the record... I get lonely from time to time, especially wishing I could be falling asleep next to P. And if I can't fall asleep next to him, at least I can fall asleep to his voice.

Today, I am grateful for:
* phone dates.
* scenic drives.
* good movies.
* honest but fun conversations.
* waking up smiling.

Day 306: Nineteen Days

Today, I am grateful for:
* the sound of the pouring rain.
* sushi.
* cuddle puddles.
* my mom bringing me home white roses today.
* rounding down.

Hitting the Do-Over-Button

The Do Over Button is pretty bad ass cause it's a nice, wonderful way to put all the craziness of my life in the past and move on. Start again. Do Over. In 12 days I will be driving back home and packing sucks. Getting rid of stuff sucks. It only sucks because it's actual physical labor, but it's also freeing cause I can let go of things that connect me to Colorado and get new things and create new memories in the PNW (AKA the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing OMG-Why-Did-I-Ever-Move? place).

Anyways, over the next week and a half (or however long it is) I shall be hanging out with friends, eating at all my fave places in FoCo (which is a LONG list, trust), and say goodbye to my home of the last two years.

I'm pretty happy right now and CO has been good to me. I've grown up. I've realized what my strengths are and what I should work on. Hint: Backbone. I still need to stiffen mine up.

Wanna know what else makes me happy? This Weber commercial.

Who doesn't loving dancing whilst cooking/grilling? Answer: No one.

Maybe I shall listen to this song whilst hitting that Do-Over-Button. Sending and Receiving Love!

Days 303-305: Tambourine

Today, I am grateful for:
* all of the dogs.
* movie dates.
* having plans for friends to meet The Boy.
* the desert island game.
* P sending me a tambourine because we watched Nine together.
* good books.
* my DWTS workout tape.
* falling asleep to an amazing text conversation last night.
* having a permanent smile on my face today.
* sunshine.
* Just Because gifts.
* Dollhouse.
* comfy sweat pants.
* Alice.
* knowing.

Day 302: Nine

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to sleep in today. I have to get up at 7am each morning to walk the dogs before it gets too warm. Today I got to sleep in because it was cool enough.
* having a movie date with P tonight. We're watching Nine together over the phone.
* the Blackhawks winning today! It was such a good game. And Niemi is a goal keeping god.
* cooking a healthy dinner tonight: tilapia and steamed artichoke.
* pie. Seriously. Can pie ever be wrong?

Day 301: Can't Sleep

I can't seem to sleep at all. It's 2:30 in the morning, and I know tomorrow will be a late night, so I was trying to sleep a bunch tonight, but no dice. But I remembered that I hadn't offered my gratitude for today, so here goes...

Today, I am grateful for:
* the sound of the rain.
* feeling artsy today.
* ridiculous texts.
* how cute Rufus looks while he sleeps.
* the future.

Day 300: For Sparta...?

Today, I am grateful for:
* waking up to sweet texts.
* being closer to having plans for June.
* running around with Rufus this morning.
* good friends.
* gorgeous days.

Day 299: Girl Talk

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to girl out with Manda today. it was so good to talk to her!
* text messages.
* music from P.
* relaxation.
* good books.

Days 297 & 298: Soft Serve

I am grateful for:
* a waffle cone of soft serve swirl on a hot summer day.
* floating on the lake.
* sunshine.
* new music from P.
* a book swap with P.
* phone dates.
* friends.
* Sophie's playdate with Lucy.
* the Whitney Eve line.
* fashion, in general.

Day 296: Rest In Peace

A friend from high school died last night after being in the hospital since Thursday. I got the news today from my childhood best friend. She was twenty-three when she died, just past midnight.

I don't have that many delusions about mortality. I know I'm not going to live forever and that no one else is going to either. But she was twenty-three and as healthy as anyone else. Twenty-three. And now she's gone.

It just makes me think: You never know when you're going to lose someone. So tell people how you feel about them before you run out of chances.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the amazing people in my life.
* having known Amanda.
* Mandy keeping me updated.
* hugs.
* love.

Love to the all the Mamas

Happy Mother's Day to mi madre and all the mamas out there. Thank you for all you do. I (We!) love you.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• sunshine & warm weather.
• walks with the dogs.
• working with Daysha today. I love that girl. We don't get to work together all that often unless it's a busy time like holiday because we're essentially interchangeable (hired at the same time 4 years ago, same skill sets, all-around kickass sales girls) so they schedule us at different times. I wish we'd work together more often, because we're seriously the dream-team when it comes to team-selling.
• hard cider.
• my Operation Air Drums mix. (Currently playing while I prep dinner - chili lime chicken! Yum!!!)
• feeling really cute in my new lace-back tank from Express.
• mamas.

Days 293-295: Mama

It's Mother's Day, a holiday that didn't really mean much to me as a kid. I mean, I wrote my mom a card and made her breakfast, but other than that, Mother's Day was just another day. But as I've grown up, I've realized just how much about my mother there is to honor.

I almost grew up without a mother. When I was twenty months old, my mom had a cranial aneurysm and had to undergo surgery that the doctors were almost certain she wouldn't live through. If she did live, my father was told, she would have to be retauught how to walk and how to talk. But she completely defied the odds. Not only did she survive, but she got bored in the hospital and went for a walk a few days after surgery. She's told me that she remembers deciding to fight for her life. She remembers making the conscious decision to live, for my brother and me.

I don't have the best relationship with my father. I never had. So I've gone to my mom for everything. She taught me how to drive a car and how to braid my hair. We talk about almost anything.

My mom and I have been through quite a bit, individually and together. And I'm so grateful that I have had her as my sidekick.

Today, I am grateful for:
* my mama. I love her so much.
* the prospect of having my own children someday becoming more and more concrete.
* pug noises.
* my DWTS work out tape.
* phone dates.

It's also worth mentioning that a friend from high school will be pulled off life support tomorrow after being rushed to the emergency room Thursday. Her seizure and coma were completely unexpected.

My point is: tell people you love them while you have the chance. You never know when something will happen.

"Life is happiness, indeed..."

I'm grateful for:

• waking up before my alarm and just laying there in the pool of sunshine coming through my window.
• being cast as Natalie in All Shook Up at TMP. Our first rehearsal is May 24th!
• all the work my high school kids are doing on Pride & Prejudice. The show is still pretty rough... which worries me because we've hit crunch time... but I can tell they're really trying.
• my internship at The 5th giving me the opportunity to sit in on Candide rehearsals. I sit there and just marvel at the incredible talent surrounding me. David Armstrong is a brilliant director, and it's so interesting to watch him work - he's incredibly specific in what he wants, yet he also works very organically, allowing the actors to follow their instincts and inspire him. The actors, of course, are brilliant as well; I could listen to Stanley (Candide) sing for days.
• fantasy fashion with Sam.
• having dinner with Katie yesterday. We're determined to hang out regularly even though we're not in a show together anymore.
• my puppy. Especially when she's being cuddly.

Day 292:

It's an absolutely gorgeous day out. There's sunshine, a light breeze and temperatures right around 90. So it was the perfect day to throw on my swim suit, blow up my inflatable lounge chair and relax while floating on the lake. Today's the first day I've gotten to do that this year, so it marks the beginning of summer for me. From now on, it's all about sunglasses, cold drinks and wearing whatever matches your swim suit.

It does make me a little lonely though. This would be the perfect thing to share with the girls. We could each read fashion magazines or just sip umbrella drinks and chat. Not that I don't love my mother, but floating with her just isn't the same.

Phil's trying to come for my birthday, so I'll have a lake buddy (and a life buddy) then, but I wish the girls were here too. I wish life was here. Or I wish this was all in Washington...

Today, I am grateful for:
* fantasy fashion with L.
* floating on the lake.
* sunshine.
* feeling cute today.
* having a free day today.

Day 291: Squishy

My big goal right now is to get back in shape. It's not for P; I know he'll love me no matter what I look like. But I haven't been good to my body in quite a few years, so I figure it's about time to start, and that means healthy eating and a solid workout plan. I'm supposed to get the DWTS cardio tape from Netflix in the next day or two, so we'll see how that works.

Completely honestly, it's a little motivated by looks. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that. This is the heaviest I've ever been during summer/swimsuit season, and that does make my uncomfortable. But I still want to make it clear: I'm doing this for me.

On a completely different note, things with P have been going really well. I've been trying not to gush, but after our weekend getaway, I'm in a gushy sort of a mood. I've never felt safer, more comfortable, more amazing or more beautiful in someone's arms before. Quite frankly, I never thought I would. Our families meet next time we're in town, and i could not be more excited. It's really one of the last things on the proverbial list of things I feel like need to happen. I know that's random. But I wanted to share.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Netflix.
* feeling kind of bad ass on my morning walk today. (I had to literally climb into the woods after Rufus today. It was kind of fun...)
* pugs with sombreros.
* B liking her package!
* P liking the mix tape!

Day 290: Knowing

Today, I am grateful for:
* girling out with Erin last night.
* hearing from my twin!
* Netflix.
* seeing my baby book today.
* hilarious reactions.

Day 289: Moonlit Fenix

Today, I am grateful for:
* Moonlit Fenix.
* Kathy's response to my FB status. A-dore her.
* gushing with Amy.
* dinner tonight being successful.
* all the turtles being out today.

Day 288: Tattoos and Bubble Paper

Today, I am grateful for:
* this gorgeous sunshine.
* being able to talk about anything with K.
* learning I can get work out DVDs through Netflix. It's going to save me so much money.
* finally having a care package for Becca put together.
* this morning's walk.

Days 286 & 287: WHCD

Today, I am grateful for:
* the smell of my mom's homemade banana bread.
* my mom teaching me how to make on of my grandmother's specialties.
* a few fun fashion ideas.
* how beautiful the sky loks when the lightening strikes.
* a casual night in with the dogs.

Days 284 & 285: "Depression is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long."

Today, I am grateful for:
* the original Alice in Wonderland Disney movie on DVD.
* texting.
* Jamie Cullum. A-mazing music.
* the prospect of the world's best fort.
* the next trip.
* how beautiful the gardens were this afternoon.
* being back in my own amazing shower.
* having a renewed plan to eat healthy and exercise regularly.
* mental health week.
* superpowers.

Days 278-283: Weekend Getaway

I got back last night from my weekend in Seattle with P, and I have mixed emotions. On the one hand, I'm still flying high from the most amazing weekend that was more perfect than I could have imagined, and on the other hand, I'm so sad to that I had to return to Hot Springs and give up waking up next to him for a while. I've been...mopey...today.

But the weekend was beyond amazing. There was cuddling and breakfast in bed, late night talks and touches I'll never forget, relaxing about and some great eating out. I knew this would be a weekend where I never stopped smiling, but I think it's the most content I've ever been.

I am grateful for:
* P, obviously. I'm so lucky to have found the man I want to be with.
* getting to see the Jeramiah Center. It's a wonderful place filled with the nicest people you'll ever meet.
* orca noises. I cannot explain this in a way that will do it justice, so I won't even try.
* breakfast in bed.
* amazing dinners out.
* Italian champagne.
* falling asleep with my head on his chest.
* hugs.
* kisses.
* slow dancing in bare feet.
* surprises.
* pug noises.
* his smile and his laugh.
* how he makes me smile.
* knowing.
* how honestly we can talk.

Day 277: One Day

I leave tomorrow for a weekend getaway with P, so I might be absent for a few days. Actually, I will be absent for a few days. We don't get to see very much of each other, what with the long distance thing and all, so I'm not bothering to bring a laptop with me since I know where my focus will be.

I'm beyond excited for this weekend. It's three days of nothing but the two of us, save some time with his family and some time at the youth center. It's a chance to make up for lost time.

On the other hand, part of me kind of feels like a jerk. After all, I'm going to be in town for three days and not making an effort to see the friends that I miss like crazy. I've been extremely self conscious about not turning into one of those girls who all of a sudden has no time for anyone/anything except her boyfriend. So the next trip will be full of friends. Promise. There just wasn't enough time this time.

Today, I am grateful for:
* this trip.
* the gorgeous dresses I get to bring with me.
* how excited P's family is to see me. It's really sweet.
* fitting all of my things into one giant suitcase instead of two mostly-giant suitcases.
* morning walks.

Day 275 & 276: Two Days Away

Today, I am grateful for:
* bed.
* texting.
* comfy sweat pants.
* Aveeno moisturizer.
* being so close to seeing him.
* Kathy, P's mom.
* the perfect burger.
* the fluffiness of Rufus after his bath.
* my mother's cooking.
* how cuddly Sophie has been lately.

Day 274: Four Days

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to talk to my old roomie today. I miss sitting on our couches and chatting before we went to bed.
* adorable texts.
* the adorableness of my dogs.
* Simply Apple. Sooooo good.
* being only four days away from him.

Day 273: Five Days Away

Today, I am grateful for:
* my glasses.
* dinner in with the neighbors.
* Bones.
* being only fi ve days away from him.
* ideas.

Day 272: Love being loved.

We periodically let Rufus off his leash to run freely in the neighborhood. There are no leash laws in our neighborhood, and he used to be a stray (so he's used to running around on his own), so it's not a big deal for us to just let Rufus off his leash and say, "have fun." He always comes back eventually.

Well, today he run around for three or so hours. It's not that we were worried about him, but my mom and I were headed into Little Rock, and we wanted to make sure he was home before we left (even though my dad was going to be home). So I went outside and called to him for a bit.

Rufus came running. He came bounding up the road with a giant smile on his face and came right for me to be fussed over. In that moment, I felt super cheesy. Because in that moment, I could tell exactly how much Rufus loved me.

Granted, Rufus is a dog. But still. How much both of my dogs love me has always been heart warming. There's something about seeing a face light up at the sight of me. It's an amazing feeling.

And it makes me think of other people who's faces light up and who makes my face light up.

Today, I am grateful for:
* being loved.
* finding the perfect dress.
* Chad, my William-Sonoma guy.
* good Thai food.
* cute earrings.