Song of Purple Summer

Today, I'm grateful for:

• getting a callback for Balagan's first regional production of Spring Awakening!!!
• my new-found addiction to Leverage.
• awesome, supportive friends who reassure me that I really can do it.
• gorgeous weather in the 80s all week.

729-77: Friday Night Lights

Today, I am grateful for:
* a new position at work.
* Phil's and my trip to Portland being perfectly wonderful.
* good friends.
* Leverage.
* Christina at work. She is saving my emotional ass.
* Amy being so happy.
* good books.
* great concerts.
* having so much less stress now.

Days 726-28: Abu

Today, I am grateful for:
* the Women's World Cup. I'm having so much fun watching.
* tickets the the 5th tonight with Phil (and Justin and Kirsten)!
* some good opportunities coming my way.
* dresses that make me feel pretty.
* good music.

Days 721-25: Fat Squirrel

I've been falling back into old habits lately. Bad habits to be exact. Part of me thinks/knows that's been a big reason I've been avoiding this practice; I'm afraid of getting caught. But the truth is: I struggle every day with my weight, my self esteem and the disease that ties them together. I'd love to say that after Walden Pond-ing it for two whole years, I feel a lot better, but life hasn't changed all that much. I have, but life hasn't, and it's hard not to reacclimate to the life I once knew.

For those loved ones I haven't seen in a while: apologies. I've been far too ashamed of myself to venture much past work or the occasional meeting. It hurts a lot to have gone away broken and realize that, even now, I'm only just bandaged.

It's times like these when I struggle with gratitude on a larger level. Sure, I'm thankful for the sunshine, but how much does that matter when I can't look at myself in the mirror? I suppose that's the big question (or at least the one I'm choosing to focus on): Are little bits of gratitude the gateway to "big gratitude" and, eventually, happiness? I ask this not knowing the answer.

But in the meantime, I'm still grateful for:
* sunshine.
* an amazing boyfriend.
* great friends.
* some opportunities hopefully on the horizon.
* finding a way.

Days 677-720: Long Time Gone

Life is a strange thing. It's ours - "our life" - but we have very little control over it. And for control freaks like me, that can be a problem. I turned 25 a few days ago, and I found myself having a quarter-life crisis, thinking about what I'd done and trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do. And the truth is: having a plan is good, but it's never something to count on because so much is out of our control. I keep thinking about how "you can't control the situation; you can only control how you handle the situation." That's something I need to practice with my gratitude. Phil has been a good influence on that. (He's far more relaxed than I am.) But I need to start owning it for myself.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the most amazing boyfriend.
* friends I can say anything to.
* wonderful, wonderful music.
* good conversation.
* girl-talk in the break room.
* high fives.
* finally getting my hair done.
* this strange sense of calm.
* love.

"I drink too much, I fall in love too fast / Obsessively collecting songs and details / Nothing's gone but nothing's lasting."

I haven't been feeling particularly grateful lately. You know how people say life is a rollarcoaster? Well, if that's the case, I've been in the car that's stuck on the track, waiting for hours for the repairman. I kind of feel like no matter what I do, I can't move forward. I have two jobs now, but I'm still barely making it financially. I'm in a show, but the process has been mostly arduous instead of rewarding. My love life is, let's be honest, non-existent.

Sometimes when I'm driving to work or rehearsal, I think about what it would be like to just keep driving and disappear for a few days. Could I reinvent myself? Would I meet that sexy and mysterious guy who's also a wandering spirit, like in the movies? Would my head and heart sort themselves out while heading down those long, quiet stretches of highway? Will I ever stop wanting more, or is this just my nature?

Jason Mraz wrote the following in a blog a little while back: "Gratitude can be a bitch to get sometimes. This is why it is called Practicing Gratitude - because it isn't easy - you have to practice." I think that rings especially true during times like this. When I'm fighting for contentment, I have to step back and remind myself of what IS good in my life. So. It's beautiful, warm, and sunny today; I'm wearing a dress and drinking iced coffee, and I'm taking the time to remind myself to be grateful for the little things. Life has a way of working itself out, even if it takes a lot longer than we'd like.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• music that's so good it transports you to another place. Kerrigan & Lowdermilk's "Our First Mistake" does that to me every single time.
• turning up the music in my car and dancing, not caring what anyone else thinks.
• the "happy opening night!" text my dad sent all the way from Germany.
• Kelli dealing with my bitchfest texts during tech week.
• "sexy-creepy" - the mood and motto of the Sweeney cast.
• Desperate Romantics on dvd.
• sundresses.
• working on being love for myself.

Days 658-76: What about everything?

So it's been a really, really long time. That wasn't intentional. I've just been busy settling into the new job. I've been getting used to the wonderful world of retail, and my feet have been getting used to it as well. I've been obsessed with the show 24 as a way to relax, and I have an addiction to teryaki. Other than that, I've been trying to see Phil as much as possible and trying to9 schedule outings with friends when I have the time. I even got to go out for beers with some of my work girls.

Oh yeah. And I just applied to community college to finish my degree. After a few years off to get my mind back, I finally feel like I can stay healthy while having a life again. It feels good.

Today, I am grateful for:
* how supportive Amy has been.
* my CSM at work. He's always there to talk to.
* getting my degree back on track.
* wonderfully patient friends.
* 24.

Days 650-57: May the Fourth Be With You

I am grateful for:
* Em asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Totally flattering. Totally sweet. Love my little sister.
* being employed! I have a job in retail that I actually think I'll really dig.
* people who make me laugh. There's really nothing more healing than a good laugh.
* NF Instant. Addicted.
* the wonderful Easter basket Phil's parents put together for me. It was really sweet of them to include me.

Days 642-49: American Idiot

I'm not a current fan of the job market. I trust that no one does. But I'm lucky. I've gotten some good bites and had the advantage of being in a position to turn a few people down. Just looking for something that'll feed my soul...

Meanwhile, I am grateful for:
* Phil's support through my job search.
* getting to see the girls now that I'm back.
* Netflix Instant.
* the perfect Earth Day date.
* musicals.
* some a-mazing job opportunities.

Days 632-41: Health, Wealth and Happiness

I am grateful for:
* Kathy being back in good health.
* my first Taste of Chicago.
* Portal.
* Kelli loaning me Leverage.
* getting to see Kelli!
* a perfect weekend.
* sunshine.
* Phil saying he'll do SlutWalk with me.
* having a Relay team.
* getting to watch the Hawks with Phil's family.

Days 627-31: Because I Said So

Being back in Washington is even more perfect than I thought it would be. Time with my guy. Time with my friends. And back in a community I love.

Today, I am grateful for:
* a mid-week sleepover!
* yesterday's sunshine and getting to take advantage of it in U Village with Mama and Becs.
* Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, The Roots and Taylor Hicks performing "Friday."
* getting to see Kim and L tomorrow for L's show!
* watching lacrosse on ESPN U while I paint my toe nails.

Days 623-26: Career Bitch

Today, I am grateful for:
* the most amazing weekend with Phil.
* Morgan.
* Jane.
* more than one awesome job prospect!
* a date with Kim this coming weekend.

Days 620-622: No Reservations

Today, I am grateful for:
- a lead on a really kick ass job.
- finally having internet at my house.
- ESPN3.com over my xbox360.
- the prospect of seeing the girls soon!
- having my room set up.
- pictures.
- having a brother who is always willing to help.
- feeling like I'm back in a groove.

Days 595-619: Epic Posting Fail On My Part

It's been a while. Longer than I intended. See, I moved across the country to Washington and do not yet have internet set up. As such, posting is hard. I'm typing this from Phil's house.

But I've had lots to be grateful for in my absence, such as:
- finally being back in Washington for good! No more planning for the one week I'm in town or missing big events because I'm too far away.
- getting to see Phil so much more.
- getting to see Becca so much more.
- being back near Costco and Whole Foods.
- excuses to back recipes that are my own concoctions.
- a fun new neighborhood.
- new dogs.
- being closer to friends.
- being closer to family.
- shopping buddies.
- being back where I can get quality sushi.

Day 594: Not Just Any Body

I'm having a sort of rough day. Truth be told, I'm having sort of a rough week. See, I moved here to get healthy, which meant gaining a certain amount of weight back. But I've gained a lot, and now I'm kind of scared to go home. Everyone there knows me as a skinny girl, and I'm not anymore. I'm not the girl I used to be. And for the most part, that's a good thing. But I feel like I used to be pretty, and I worry that that's really changed as well. I'm not the pretty friend anymore; I'm the fat friend. And that really fucking sucks. What are people going to say...?

Tonight, I'm grateful for my wonderful neighbors who made me forget about all my worries for a while.

Day 593: Soul Food

Nothing heals a bad day like some good Southern food. Seriously. I had the sort of day that made me pop a Xanax and a half while texting Phil that I'm not sure I could do this. It was that sort of day.

Shrimp po' boy to the rescue, Some cajun fries and cajun mashed potatoes. Sweet potato pie. It makes it all better. For serious.

Days 591-92: Southern Comfort

I'm going to miss this place. A lot. Don and Debbie took us out to dinner tonight to "our place" one last time. It was a lot of fun, but it was also a little sad. I love Don and Deb, and to think that they may have been our last dinner at "our place" is heart breaking.

I am grateful for:
* the friends that have become family here.
* clearing out a bunch of things today.
* leggings. Soooo comfy.
* finally having a house!
* Phil saying he'll come back here to visit with me.

Days 588-90: Oscars

Can I please grow up to be just like Anne Hathaway, please?

Today, I am grateful for:
* the wonder of the Oscars (and a virtual Oscars date with K).
* my angel from Kim.
* Oscar fashion
* getting a lot done today.
* Daisy.

Day 587: People

Tornado warnings today. Which essentially meant that I carried on as normal. Since I'm going to be going back to work once I come back to Washington, I thought I'd go see if I could get nice work clothes for less money here than in Seattle (and found some nice stuff). But now, I should be more immediately productive.

Today, I am grateful for:
* pearls. I love.
* Rachel Maddow.
* Paula Deen.
* the Wisconsin 14!
* Planned Parenthood.

Day 586: Little Things

Today, I am grateful for:
* new sunglasses. I finally found a cute pair at a price I was comfortable with. They rattle around in my purse, so I was not about to pay $40 for a pair.
* Paula Deen on Top Chef. I really can't explain how much I love that woman.
* cute cards.
* liking my hair cut. Banged and all.
* a really good dinner.

Day 585: Margaritas

Today, I am grateful for:
* a night of Mexican food and drinks with my mama.
* comfortable pajamas.
* good advice from Amy.
* my adorable dog.
* assurance.

Day 584: Trial Mama

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting my hair done. The salon is a happy place, and I'm going to miss Shirley. Plus, I needed a change, and that change is now side banged.
* Kayla (3) and Jamie (11 months), the two girls I took care of tonight. They're little angels. Kayla even told me she loved me, and Jamie wouldn't leave my arms. Not even for binkie.
* the great neighbors we have here.
* a Seattle day weather-wise.
* love.

Day 583: Hawks

Today, I am grateful for:
* Hockey Day in America.
* getting to see the Hawks play.
* meeting Dave and Ester's granddaughters.
* getting to babysit said gradnkids tomorrow night.
* my newest outlet (with Phil!): His and Hers

Days 579-82: Hockey Weekend in America

After a veritable clusterf*ck of stress, I feel back to my old self again. Thanks to be the powers that be for that one. Now I feel energized, like I can take on the world. And that's probably good since I move across the country in about two weeks, and I need to pack like whoa.

So, I am currently thankful for:
* feeling revitalized.
* spontaneous weekend phone dates.
* the Ghost Bros.
* drunk texts from K.
* Tyler and Riley being here for the weekend.
* having a new project.
* being able to make plans. Finally.
* new recipes.
* trashy magazines.
* inspiration.
* music I can dance along to.

Day 578: Afterglow

Today, I am grateful for:
* long, hot showers.
* being able to finally make plans.
* my adorable dogs.
* trying out a new recipe and having it turn out well.
* fashion week.

Days 568-77: Valentine's Day

It's official! I'm moving back the the Northwest! Which means next year on this day, I can be snuggled up properly with my sweetheart. But until then, I'm packing boxes, spending time with neighbors and trying to make sure the dogs know that they get to come too. It's exhausting but fulfilling.

Today, I am grateful for:
* fashion week and getting to spend it (virtually) with L.
* the amazing neighbors I have here and their sweet responses to the news of our leaving.
* moving back to Washington. It's been far too long, ya'll.
* some quality motivation.
* love.

Days 566-67: Curiousity

I'm more and more curious about my family's history. Both sides are really proud of their heritage, and now that my grandparents are all gone, I feel like the history should be preserved and saved somewhere. I want to be able to show my kids that. I want to be able to show Phil that and hear about his family's history. I just don't want any of it to get lost.

Today, I am grateful for:
* snow!
* hot chocolate.
* comfort food.
* a countdown that is set to begin.
* all of the stories I've heard about and all of the memories I have of my family.

Days 563-65: Revival

My mind has kind of been a clusterf*ck as of late. And by "kind of" I mean "really." Just to be clear. I let all the stress of the move get to me. Actually, I let the stress of not having moved yet get to me as I pack away and try to find a house to move into as soon as possible.

But today I got what I needed. Today I got what I didn't even realize I needed. And it felt good. It was a beautiful day here in Hot Springs - 26 degrees and bright sunshine. I love the feeling of getting all bundled up and then grabbing my sun glasses for a morning dog walk. It ended up staying so beautiful that my mom and I took the dogs to Garvan Gardens for a walk among the plants and the waterfall. It was the perfect day for that. Now we're sitting around with cinnamon pecan waffles and chatting about life.

This is what I needed. I needed to stop focusing on getting there that I forget that I live here for only a short time longer. I want to enjoy every last moment of it.

Today, I am grateful for:
* feeling revived.
* beautiful weather.
* free gift with purchase from Clinique. That was my one errand today. I needed mascara, and it just so happens to be Bonus Time.
* my mama.
* plans for the future.

Days 560-62: SAGs

So it's NHL All Star weekend. I didn't think I would get to see it because it was on Versus. But my mom is awesome and agreed to go to a sports bar with me to watch the game. It was perfect.

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to see the game.
* my awesome mom.
* beautiful weather.
* the SAGs ending my day.
* this dress existing (because I want it):

Day 559: Rocky Mountain Grill

Today, I am grateful for:
* Phil joining me in supporting projects on DonorsChoose.org.
* dinner with Don and Debbie tonight.
* getting back into BSG.
* morning walks.
* warm weather in January.

Day 558: I Am the Walrus

I am grateful for:
* raspberry ebelskivers.
* good music.
* Kelli letting me bounce ideas off of her.
* Dobey looking good today.
* fun movies.

554-57: Fat Bottom Girls

I am grateful for:
* finally figuring out how to make a wedding-worthy gluten-free cupcake of awesomeness. Em deserves nothing but the best on her day, and I'm so happy to be able to provide it in fun flavors!
* used cds. They're so cheap! It's an excellent way to acquire guilty pleasure music with only half the guilt.
* finding Phil's Valentine's Day present!
* music I can rock out to. It's been that sort of week...
* fun reading.

543-52: Our First Mistake

I am grateful for:
* Kerrigan-Lowdermilk finally coming out with a cd. It's amazing. I've always loved their music, so having it available on my ipod is a nice treat.
* finding a house that I really like. Step One is almost complete!
* phone dates. There should be more.
* getting to see my friends' Seattle engagement photos. Manda and Petter are such an adorable couple, and the pictures totally show it.
* being in love. I know it's corny. Trust me, I know. But it's also completely true. Finding Phil has made me incredibly happy.
* good books. I always love reading, but lately I'm on an especially big kick.
* my adorable dogs. Rufus got a 3am burst of energy that was less than restful but totally worth it.

Days 522-42: My Heart Is Split

I've been absent for far longer than intended. I have two (unrelated) reasons: The first is that I had a bad case of the flu over Christmas and didn't even move for several days; the second is that the day after I recovered, I flew out to spend New Year's Eve with my sweetheart. I'm actually still staying at Phil's house since snow is making traveling back to Little Rock rather difficult.

The more time I spend here in Seattle and, for that matter, the more time I spend in Hot Springs, I realize what I'm feeling: My heart is split. For anyone that hasn't heard that phrase, it's a song by Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk (kerrigan-lowdermilk.com). I've connected to it for a while, but it fits even more perfectly right now.

I love living in Arkansas. It's the break that I needed, and it has lead me to some amazing people that have broadened my perspective on life. I get to live on a lake and take time easy while volunteering for the local Humane Society. I cook in an amazing kitchen and bake dog treats for my two dogs and all of their doggie friends. It's a simple life, but it's a good one. And it feels like home.

But Seattle is where I was born and raised. It's where my friends are. It's where my family is. It's where the love of my life is, and I know that to take the next step in my life, moving back is essential. (And I can't say goodbye to him again. It hurts far too much in a way I can't even describe.

My heart is split. Both places feel right in their own ways, and they can never be combined. Arkansas isn't Seattle, and Seattle isn't Hot Springs (which is what I love about both locations). So I'm choosing Seattle. Because it's where my heart feels most complete and alive. But I will always be a Southern girl in a place in my heart, and I hope to visit Hot Springs throughout my life, showing it off to Phil once again and eventually showing it off to our children.

It's a hard choice. It hurts a little. But it's the right choice.

“My Heart Is Split”
from The Freshman Experiment

It happens every now and then.
I hear the words I need to hear
Coming from the tiny speakers
That I’ve shoved into my ears.

The crickets setting the tempo,
The wind dancing across my skin,
Reminding me of conversations,
Summer nights when I stayed in.

Back home, before I moved.
Back home, before I got here.
Back home with the people who loved me my eighteen years.

My heart is split
Between home and here.
I’m cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home and this strange new world I knit.
My heart is split.

As sudden as the onset of winter,
As nat’ral as the trail mix they all eat
This untamed and icy place I live
Has swept me off my size-five feet.

I read non-stop to quell the absence.
I drink too much. I fall in love too fast.
Obsessively collecting songs and details
Nothing’s gone but nothing’s lasting

Back home, before I moved.
Back home, before I got here.
Back home with the people who loved me my eighteen years.

I’m split
Between home and here.
I’m cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home and this strange new world I knit.
My heart is split.

My heart is split
I’m home but I’m still here.
I’m cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home and this strange new world I knit.
My heart is split
My heart is split
It happens every now and then.
I hear the words I need to hear
Coming from the tiny speakers
That I’ve shoved into my ears



I am grateful for:
* both of these places finding a place in my heart and teaching me so many things.
* the amazing friends and family I have here in Seattle.
* getting snowed in here so I can have a few more days with Phil. (We had a tearful goodbye this morning before I realized I needed to change my flight since I couldn't get home safely.)
* good music and fun video games.
* knowing what's waiting for me when I get back to Arkansas.