Day 45: A Real Life Plan

It's been twenty days since I gave up red meat. Almost three weeks. And true, there have been cravings. (I would have killed for a bacon cheeseburger yesterday. Killed.) But I think it's working out rather well.

Not only has it forced me to eat healthier, but I'm also a little less cautious about how much I eat. I know that sounds like a bad thing, but after years of not letting myself eat more than 900 calories, that's a good thing. Trust me. I need to make a lot more progress, but this is a really good step in the right direction.

I still have a lot of issues to work out with my depression and my anorexia. I think the past few days have demonstrated that fairly well. But I had to start a real life plan somewhere, and this is a start. This is something I can do know matter where I am. I don't need my doctors or a therapist to help me through this. Eating like this is something I can do for me.

I think I'm going to spend another year here in Hot Springs before moving on. (Since it's me, nothing is set in stone, but I'll be here for a while to say the least.) During this next year or ten months, I need to work on real life solutions that don't include needing my own Walden or periodic nervous breakdowns. The first isn't realistic for a city girl like me, and the second one just sucks. I speak from experience.

So today, I am grateful for:

• chicken and turkey. They let me have all of my favorite foods, even if they have to be slightly modified.
• "Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz. I've been obsessed with it for the past day or so. I'm not sure what it says about me that I gravitate towards songs like this, but sometimes I need to hear that the two things aren't mutually exclusive. It's also just a beautiful song sung by an amazing man.
• getting BSG in the mail today from Netflix. Kelli told me I should check it out, so I'm going to curl up a little early tonight and start from the beginning.
• my favorite pseudo-Swede. I'm grateful that she got her card and that she's got a good life going there. Time to save up for one epic vacation. (Loves!)
• Banjo, my aunt's Corgi, who had to be put down yesterday. He was the most adorably chubby Corgi I have ever met, and he was a complete darling. I trust that he is now running around the big field in the sky and harassing someone until they play tug with him. Rest in peace, little buddy.

"Isn't reason enough to prove how God moves through you"

I think a lot. I know, that sounds obvious. But I always have something unfolding in my brain, whether it's plans for a new story or blog entry or just my own mental conversation (not in a multiple personalities way, I promise.) I think that's why I'm attracted to a lot of the books/tv/music that I am, because there's usually a lot more going on than just what's obvious on the page/screen/in my speakers.

I recently downloaded Jason Mraz's live album "Selections for Friends." It's no secret how much I (and Lauren) love Jason. The album is mostly stuff that's on his studio albums, but there's a song he did called "God Rests in Reason" that I cannot stop listening to. Literally. I think I've listened to it at least 15 times today. The lyrics are partially taken from the poem "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran. (Which I am now going to find a copy of to read.) I grew up in a very conservative Christian home, and though I'm certainly not as conservative as my parents, I still hold onto a lot of those things. So I find the lyrics to the song both uplifting and thought provoking. I love the whole thing, but this verse of the song is the one that's been catching my attention this evening.

Well, your children will not be your children
They are the daughters, the son of a beginning
They'll come through your womb but not be coming from you
They will be with you but they do not belong to you

You can give them your love but not your thoughts
'Cause they'll arrive with their own hearts

I just love how this expresses the idea of children being a part of their parents but being separate as well. We're all in that potentially awkward transition time where we're becoming full-fledged adults but still rely a lot on our families and I feel like this is such an interesting thing to really think more about.

So anyways, before I turn into an exhausted, crazed psuedo-philosopher, I will end this post. Today, I am grateful for words and music that make me think. And I am grateful for others being able to express my feelings in beautiful ways that I cannot.

Lazy, sunny Sunday

There were plenty of things to be grateful for today: Mother Nature reminding me that summer's not quite over yet, the fabulous smooth feeling of freshly shaved legs, feeling cute in my cuffed jeans, finally finishing sorting through the boxes of stuff I moved home (and sending some to storage), mom's chicken enchiladas, Zac Effron shirtless in 17 Again (such a funny movie, by the way), and finding out that Nick, my best friend from high school, will actually be in Washington for my birthday this year - for the first time in four years.

But the thing I'm most grateful for? An early birthday present from my mom: 2 tickets to the Jason Mraz concert in Portland on Sept. 27th! We were listening to We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things in my car on the way to and from the grocery store and I mentioned how I'd love to see him in concert.... so she says, "Is he coming here? Why don't we look for tickets when we get home? That could be your birthday present this year, if there's not anything else you want." Um, me wanting something more than Jason Mraz? Right. My mom is awesome.

MIA

I know I've been MIA for a while, and this post is not going to be woefully short, but I have a lot to be grateful for in the last few days...

• Amazing day watching geysers today.
• Amazing books by Alison Croggon.
• Being RAW for four whole days! Woot.
• Making yummy raw foods tomorrow....
• Rediscovering Harry Potter on audio book. Jim Dale is a freaking genius!
• Dates. The food. A-mah-zing.
• True Bood. I'm not sure how much I actually love it, but it is seriously addicting! (Though I'm in desperate need of someone with HBO in the Tacoma are so I can watch the finale in two weeks!)

Namaste! Here's to a wonderful last week in Yellowstone!

Day 44: Viva La Vie Boheme

Tomorrow was supposed to be my interview for the job I've been raving about. So I drove by the place today to make sure I knew where it was and how long it would take to get there. The digs were sketchy to put it mildly. The production company is in a house, which isn't that unusual. (A lot of businesses are out of houses around here.) But this house was in an entirely residential area, well off the main road in the Historic District. That in itself wouldn't bother me, but the unnecessarily high fence encircling the house and all the windows being shut and blinded did not inspire confidence. I just got this feeling that it wasn't safe. And I feel like I should listen to my gut, so I'm calling them tomorrow to say I won't be accepting the interview.

Part of me is really disappointed because this job sounded amazing. It was a writing and PR job, which is basically perfect for me. But I'm glad that I figured it out today that it's not the best idea to go in tomorrow. This way I can at least be courteous, and cancel ahead of time instead of just not showing up.

So that part of my day was a little bit of a downer, but I got to talk to K. Fred this morning. It was so good to hear her voice and hear what she's been up to. It totally made my day. Then this afternoon I made puff pastry filled with Nutella. Not as good as the Ultimate Dessert Sandwich, but still tasty.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting to talk to Kim. Long distance really is the wrong distance. But it's not a deal breaker.
• Nutella. It's bringing on flashbacks of my days in Second South, and it tastes so damn good.
• Dhani Tackles the Globe. I have it on my Netflix Instant Queue, so I can watch it any time, and it makes me want to travel and learn all of these sports. I just watched the New Zealand episode where he learned to sail.
• Lauren's support via Wandering Gypsy. It really does mean a lot to me.
• RENT. Not that I ever forget about RENT, but I haven't listened to it in a while, choosing Kerrigan & Lowdermilk or N2N when I want musical theatre. I've had it playing on my iPod today, and I'm remembering exactly how wonderful it is. (And it reminds me of freshman year Fall finals week. Dancing and singing on tables was one of the best ideas we ever had. And by "we" I mean Justin.)

Almost Sold Out

We were two seats away from being sold out on closing night tonight. Good. Times. It's so amazing to have a full house that's there and attentive! And we were recording so it's official!!!! Haha. We had to strike directly after the show since the theatre we used is loading in their first show of the season tomorrow morning. Good times. But we had pizza and candy and soda so all was well. Anyways, I'm SO grateful to have done this show---I've made so many friends that I NEVER would have picked out as being friends with. I love it.

Anyways:

• Caffeine. I don't drink it, but the show was pretty awesome.
  
• All the new friends I made.
  
• Inside jokes.
  
• Looking hot. Oh yeah---cause I did tonight and totally had an INAPPROPRIATE outfit for strike. But I looked good doing it!
• Bravo & their ridiculous marathons. Real Housewives of Atlanta was on & it pretty much rocked my world.
  
• No French class on the weekend! Woot.
  
• Buying stuff on itunes. Insta-music is awesome!
  
• Next to Normal (what I bought on itunes). EVERYONE needs this album. For reals.
  
• Casual dating. It's so much better than anything serious, don't you think?
  
• The new roomies. We may do a photo shoot of the three of us and then post them on our walls in the living room poster size. Yup, you read that right.
  

Good night!

Day 43: "Yeah, my modesty is pretty awesome."

Today is such a better day. Such a better day. It's hard to believe that the past two days even happened because I feel no latent effects from them.

I woke up a little tired, so I stayed in bed watching Food Network and Nitro Circus while texting with Amy and Lauren. Then, when I decided to actually do something today, I put on one of my favorite summer dresses and did my make up before heading out to the library. I'm mostly happy about the summer dress/make up combo because it resulted in a fair amount of, um, "attention" today. The library, by the way, is nerd paradise. If there was a library on the beach that had a full bar, I would be in Heaven. (Business idea?) Then I brought back some serious Second South memories by cooking with Nutella. Now I'm just watching the sun go down and debating between reading one of my library books and watching the final part of Tin Man on DVD. If I feel really ambitious, maybe I'll do both.

I have no complaints.

Today, I am grateful for:

• The Ultimate Dessert Sandwich. I decided to put Nutella between two pieces of savory french toast and then drizzle it all with a white wine and raspberry compote. It was the best idea I've ever had. So. good.
• texting back and forth with Amy with limited interruptions. We haven't spent the day texting in a while.
• dresses and heels. It always feels good to look good.
• puff pastry dough. Tomorrow I'm going to see what happens when I fill puff pastry balls with Nutella. It'll hopefully be like a modified cream puff.
• Francesca's. They are the source of most of my dresses, and since I'm on a huge dresses kick, that makes me love them.

"I'll give you days full of dreams if you travel my way, and a summer you can't repeat..."

I had one of those extremely unproductive, uneventful days today. And not really in a good way. I was home alone almost all day, which would normally be blissful, except for the fact that I spent the majority of my time trying to entertain Gidget. I love my pup, I really do, but today once again proved why I could never, ever be a stay-at-home mom. I went stir-crazy. I hate being cooped up with nothing to do.

That being said, I started to consider just not blogging today because I felt so dull. But that's really the point of this blog - to find things we're grateful for every day, especially if we're feeling monotonous or depressed or angry or whatever.

So. Here's a short list of things I am grateful for today:

• Bravo, Bones, and CSI, which kept me mostly entertained and provided background noise.
• hummus and rice crackers.
• having a beautiful, sweet, healthy puppy, even if she drives me insane sometimes.
• heavy summer rain.
• Bailey's Irish Cream over vanilla ice cream.
• texting with Kelli.
• an open invitation to visit Sam in The Ark.
• Jack Hannahan, the Mariner's 3rd baseman. So. Cute.

And this video. (Which I can't remember if I've posted before or not...) It's 3 songs I lovelovelove put together.

Day 42

Today is the first time since I've restarted this practice that I haven't wanted to do it at all. I don't want to talk or write or do anything really. I just want to get into bed and forget the past twenty-four hours ever happened. So that's what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll push it and stay awake until my ghost shows are over.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Curtis and Charlotte taking my parents and me out on their boat.
• hushpuppies. They're the best.
• my new shorts.
• having a television in my room.
• my bed. I'm headed there in a few minutes.

Day 41: Art Appreciation

I found the appointment card from my first tattoo a couple of days ago. The date on it says 6/12/08. On the one hand, it feels like I've had my tattoos forever, and on the other hand, part of me still feels like I got them a month ago.

Getting my tattoos (a dove on my lower left hip and the Spanish word for "gypsy" on the right side of my lower back) were both big decisions for me. The dove is something I had wanted for quite a while, and the second tattoo is what I knew I wanted as soon as the first one had healed. (I got it about two months later.) My parents both disapprove of tattoos, to the point that I haven't told my father about the second one, but they were the right choice for me.

They're constant reminders. The first is a reminder of the Die In that sort of became my baby during my college years, but it's also the symbol for peace and the Holy Spirit. Peace is probably an obvious choice. I love politics, and I'll do anything I can to "fight" for peace for as long as I live, but having it also be the symbol for the Holy Spirit is a reminder of my Catholic roots. I was raised Catholic, and it's still very much a part of me. Even though I'm not a big God fan, there are still things about the religion and the faith that I find compelling. My back tattoo is a constant reminder that I am choosing my own path. It may not be the path that people would recommend, and it may not be the most impressive, but it's the right path for me, and that's all I care about. There's also that artistic and devious side associated with the word, and that makes the word resonate with me even more.

I knew when I got the tattoos that I wouldn't regret them. What I didn't count on is how much I would love them. Like I said, they're reminders that I will always carry with me. Also, they're something about my body I will always like. No matter how upset I get about a weight gain (perceived or real) or a feature I'm not happy with, I always love my tattoos. They're the part of my body that I can always look at and smile.

That's a big thing for me. (I would imagine it's a big thing for a lot of people.) Because there used to be days when I couldn't find one thing I liked about myself physically. Now when those days come around, I just focus on the artwork and how beautiful it is. And it makes me feel beautiful. I am incredibly grateful for that.

I am also grateful for:

• John Oliver's Terrifying Times comedy set. I saw it today for the first time, and it's intelligent and hilarious.
• getting an interview with the company I want to work for. I go see the boss on Monday.
• my Josh Kelley tee shirt. I pulled it out and wore it today, and it brought back some seriously good memories.
• Zac Efron's HSM skit for SNL. I had totally forgotten about it until one of my sophomore year wingmates mentioned it in her Facebook status. I give Efron a lot of credit for really committing to the skit. ("Once you leave this school, no one projects or cheats out.")
• getting a letter from Annie in the mail today (on a seriously kick ass card).

CAFFEINE, MAGIC, and FRENCHY MCFRENCH FACE

Alright ladies---I get it. I suck at life. Blogging really has to become a discipline! So school started on Monday and it's already felt like ten years of my life has flown by in less than a week. It doesn't help that I have a class everyday: FRENCH. Kill. me. now. The ONLY reason I'm taking French is because I totally suck at it and need to know at least the syntax and the flow of it for singing opera (esp since a lot of the French composers REALLY know how to write a beautiful melodic line!). UGH. So. My CO bff and I are taking French. I'm also wrapping up this musical Caffeine and starting up rehearsals for Magic Flute. Good times.

Gratefulness thusly follows:

• Starting my LAST year of school. EVER. (This time for reals).
  
• Chocolate Chip Cookies....just made them & they're delish & the house smells delish.
  
• Old school Will & Grace. Loves it.
  
• A good-ass theatre production. Just saw a kick ass version of Midsummer's Night Dream. Loved it. Onion boobs were involved. Awesome.
  
• Potato burrito from Big City Burrito. It's brilliant: potato, cheese & ranch. O.M.G.
  
• The awfulness that is Princess Diaries II. Just watched it with the roomie---best line? "You make all the boy mooses go UUUGHHHHHHHHH." What. Brilliance.
  
• The fact that I have spread the love & joy of The Fug Girls. You're welcome.
  
• Decorating the new room.
  
• Not being the new kid on the block at school.

Love you all!!!!!!!

"Ole, bitches."

Today, I am grateful for:

• the sun coming through my window this morning, even if it did wake me up early.
• the tasty and healthy carrot muffin recipe I tried last night. Made for a great breakfast today.
• the definite possibility that I'll be a sales lead at BBW for Holiday again this year.
• Operation Umbrella Drink.
• Operation Chubby Bitches (wherein Kelli, Sam and I "spill drinks on the bitches trying to steal guys from us.") ("Chubby Bitches" was also the safe word during the San Francisco adventure. Don't ask. I don't really know.)
• The Fug girls, who coined the phrase "Ole, bitches." I'm thinking it needs to be part of our regular vocabulary.
• my mom's homemade fried chicken.
• All my favorite TV shows return in two weeks!

Day 40: Got My 45 On So I Can Rock On

Today was a pretty damn good day. My parents took a day trip together, so I had the house to myself with Sophie. I got to lay out in the sun and (try to) get a tan without having to hide my back tattoo from my father. That was a nice change to just throw on a swim suit and lay out on my lower deck with some Kerouc and my cell phone. Then I throw some shorts on and got to listen to some music, get some writing done and just do whatever I pleased. It was just a relaxing "me day."

I'm going to miss summer when it goes away. There's nothing like spending the day in a swim suit and sun glasses and just lounging around. The only thing it was missing was a little girl talk (and an umbrella drink).

Today, I am grateful for:

• having the house to myself all day.
• being able to lay out in the sun as long as I wanted.
• Operation Umbrella Drink (also known as "Kelli, Lauren and Sam's Annual Vacation Plan").
• having an upper deck that has fans.
• having my own door (from my bedroom) to said deck. It's the perfect reading spot. Loves it.

Listy Listy.

Like Clare, I'm going to keep this short and simple because I'm tired and wish to sleep.

-My bed. It's super comfy, and when I make it, super cute.
-Jamba Juice. Yummy. No more needs be said.
-Super soft shirts with really long sleeves.
-Battlestar Galactica. Brilliant writing, brilliant acting, fantastic production design-I could keep raving, but I won't.
-Netflix. I just signed up, and I think it's going to be my new best friend.
-Cute underwear and good boob bras. Again, I don't think this one needs much explanation. (L&S, I'm of course referring to the SF set.)
-And my family. My aunt, grandparents, and 8 year old second cousin dropped by this evening, and it was fun to hang out with Levi. I haven't seen him in at least four years, so it was fun. We played catch and he proved that small boys are insane.

Goodnight, ladies!

Just a List

• Seeing Amber. A wonderful friend. And a wonderful person.
• Missoula, a beautiful hippie town.
• Amazing audio books. (See Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton and Why We Suck by Denis Leary)
• Christmas in Yellowstone
• The amazing DVD that Jillian made for me for my Christmas present! It was several of the people at the Pinecone saying what they like about me, and it will be a wonderful thing to have this fall to watch whenever I'm feeling a little low.
• Going raw in 15 minutes!!!!
• The beautiful weather forecast for the rest of my time here in West Yellowstone.
• Love.
• Life.

Namaste.

Day 39: Leg City

After much thought and consideration (and a discussion with Lauren about Vanessa Hudgen's lack of talent for wearing pants), I've decided on the following: I do believe I should make a run for the Mayor of Leg City. I mean, I already have a love for politics, and I do love me some fashion, and I also happen to be five feet and ten inches of mostly legs.

Given all of our love for The Fug Girls, I felt it only appropriate to announce it here.

Really, all I have to do is knock out Whitney Port and Vanessa Hudgens. (And when I say "knock out," I mean in the competition, not in a boxing ring.) Southern living has reindulged my love for shorts and mini-dresses with appropriately cute shoes. I might as well make a solid living out of it right.

If elected, this is my promise to you: I will recognize situations and outfits which necessitate pants. I promise to keep it classy.

Now, to get my gratitude on. I am currently grateful for:

• The Fug Girls. So funny. Usually right.
• high heels. They're a necessity for showing some leg. Plus, they're just cute.
• going all in and upping my text plan to unlimited in and out of network texts. (This has nothing to do with my campaign. It just makes me happy.)
• the blooper real on the Chuck DVD. I laughed so hard that I cried. (Kelli, you have to watch it. It's brilliant and totally endearing.)
• snickerdoodle cookies. I'll give you all one guess what I had for breakfast...

Pants

As I discussed with Sam and Kelli this morning, the girls over at gofugyourself.com have proven what I've suspected for months: Vanessa Hudgens has a serious, debilitating disorder that has eliminated her ability to put on pants.

Seriously. Go look at her fug archive. No. Pants.

Now, while I do not understand Miss Hudgens' disorder (or its side-effect of also not being able to distinguish between a mini-dress and a shirt), I do have more sympathy towards her and her increasingly frequent nude photo scandals. I mean, obviously sister has only recently overcome her inability to clothe her upper body - we've got to be patient with her. We can only hope that in time, and with plenty of encouragement, she will learn to dress her lower body as well. To make matters worse, she's dating Zac Effron, which means she probably spends a great deal of time naked. Whether you consider him talented or not... can you really blame her?

I also fear that this extremely contagious disorder is spreading to other Hollywood "starlets." The fug girls have plenty of examples. And ladies, leggings are not the cure. Leggings are not pants. Just wanted to clear that up.

Today, I am grateful for pants. And that we all possess the ability to wear them.

I continue to fail.

I can't believe I haven't been posting. Daily posting is something I need to be better at. You know, the daily part. I'm more of the you-won't-hear-anything-for-three-weeks-then-you-get-an-epic-dump-of-words type of poster. Which thwarts the daily gratitude. I've been doing a little job hunting, house/puppy sat for Lauren's family last week, and have watched almost every episode of Bones ever aired. All in all, it's been pretty lazy since my last post. But there have been plenty of things I can be grateful for.

-Puppies. They will never fail to make me laugh. Watching one pin the other down and sneeze directly in her face was truly hilarious.
-Picnics. Nellie and I ended up down at the waterfront yesterday evening, and it was fun to just sit and eat and talk outside on the grass.
-Water. I've said it before. I will never be able to live somewhere where the ocean isn't within reasonable driving distance. The waterfront is the one place that never fails to lift my mood. It's beautiful and peaceful and I love it.
-Conversations with friends. I've had serious and silly conversations in the last few days, and it's so refreshing to just be able to talk about anything. I'm truly truly blessed to have friends that I can share anything with. Buckets of love are pouring out of my heart in a non-sappy way.
-Ridiculous plans. Nellie and I have thought about and decided on what we would wear and pack if we found out that some sort of evil spy organization was coming to get us and we had five minutes to wake up and get out of the house. (Think about it. SO amusing.) Operation ModCloth Pinup is also a wonderful plan. Sam, I'm thinking I'd also like Australia.
-Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread. My mom and I had some nice fun bonding time as we mixed up a roasting pan full of dough and the smell is driving me crazy. 5 minutes until I can pull it out and have some!

As usual, there are lots of other things I'm thankful for. But I'll leave it at that for now. And I solemnly swear that I am up to no g-the challenge of posting every day. Yeah, that's it. I'm always well behaved...

Day 38: Friendship

Kelli and I got into a text conversation tonight about friendship. We talked about how weird it is to think back on old friends that we now have nothing in common with and how equally strange it is to realize that we've met the people we intend to be friends with for the rest of our lives. Kelli and I especially have an interesting friendship because we've known each other for the majority of our college experience, but we've only been close for a year or so, but we're extremely close now.

Friendship really is a weird thing. When we're younger, it's all about having someone to play with and someone who you want in your prom group. I'm not saying I didn't have some meaningful relationships because there are a few friends from high school who I'm still close with today. But for the most part, the people who wrote, "friends forever" and "I'll always remember you" in my yearbooks are now just pleasant memories. Even some of the people I latched on to freshman year of college are now people I wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and then forget about for another year. And yet, there is this core group of amazing people that I know I want to keep in my life through everything. It's a weird feeling, but it's a comforting one.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• Kelli. It was a really good talk tonight, and we're in the midst of another one. I can tell her anything and everything, and I'm so glad we ended up friends.
• summer dresses. I know I've been grateful for them before, but they really do have magical powers.
• Clare's polenta lasagna. I made it tonight, and it tasted so good.
• Clare, for sharing her recipe with me and for being an amazing friend.
• The Rules. They really do apply to all situations.

Day 37: The Heart Breaker Shirt

I've never been this nervous to hear back about a job. Quite frankly, I've never had to wait this long to hear if they even want to meet me. I'm in the middle of applying for the best job I have found down here, and it's turning me into a fifteen-year-old waiting for a boy to call. (And since I never went through that stage, I have no practice.)

I found the perfect interview outfit at Francesca's yesterday, and I'm really happy with the follow-up application I submitted, but I'm less used to the "I'll talk to you next week" way of doing business. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just...new to me. I'm not great at waiting.

I keep telling myself to calm down and that it'll come when it comes. But I really hope I don't need to start writing more cover letters.

Today, I extend my gratitude for:

• Netflix. It's helping me with distractions.
• the calm feeling I woke up with. I got a little emotionally rattled yesterday, but today it's completely out of my mind.
• the heart breaker shirt. I busted it out yesterday, and it reminded me of being back in San Francisco with Kelli and Lauren.
• knowing. I don't mean that cryptically. It's just a broad statement.
• spiral notebooks. I always like working with pen and paper before typing something on the computer. It helps me get started.

"Friendship is constant in all other things." - Much Ado About Nothing, II.I

Hi Ladies ~

As I'm sure you all know, I've been MIA from blogging because I've been on vacation for a few days. And while I did take my laptop with me (for the purpose of watching movies during the 8-hour car ride to and from Ashland... I'm not that reliant on the internet) I was generally too busy to blog. Thanks for bearing with me.

I have to be honest and say that despite the great theatre, great food, and amazing weather in Ashland, I've had a tough time being grateful these past couple of days. (I know that sentence doesn't make a lot of sense because theatre, food, and sunshine should be plenty to be grateful for... and they are... but stay with me for a sec.) First, it's difficult for my family to spend that much time together. My dad and I get along swimmingly because we're so similar, but my mother and I don't always see eye-to-eye. She frustrates easily and needs everything to be just so, whereas I'm more of the laid-back, organized chaos, see-what-happens type. My brother doesn't handle heat well, which means he tired out easily. He's also starting the angry teenager phase, which is just peachy. And my dad was stuck being the peacekeeper. Now, I'm not saying we fought the whole trip - that wasn't the case, while it easily could have been - but the last day and a half or so was trying.

Secondly, I spent the whole week anxiously awaiting the results of my callback auditions, only to be completely disappointed. The role of Sarah Brown in Guys & Dolls is TBD for now, and if I don't land the part, it's unlikely that they'll add me to the already-cast ensemble. To make matters worse, I didn't get Maureen in Rent either. The ensemble for that show is TBD as well, so I'm holding out that I get to play some homeless druggie. And/or maybe Mark's mom. That'd be pretty cool. Anyway, all of these casting disappointments made me start questioning myself - like, if I can't get into shows at a community theatre, how am I going to make it elsewhere? - which I can't start doing. I know, I know, the life of an artist is filled with more disappointments than successes.... I've lived through this several times before..... but that doesn't make it any easier. I hated that I let my anxiety and disappointments get in the way of me having a truly fab vacation.

Though... at least I was able to receive all the bad news while I was somewhere with plenty of distractions. It was certainly better than sitting at home where it's too easy to sulk. Ashland essentially forced me to be grateful and keep my mind on other things.

So. All that being said, here are some things I am/was grateful for this past week or so:

• Fantastic food in Ashland. Let me tell you, the Nances know how to eat. We are Southern, after all. And Ashland is the place to eat - there are so many wonderful restaurants, and we only sampled a few of them: The Standing Stone Brewery, Greenleaf, The Black Sheep Pub, Pasta Piatti, and Dragonfly, my personal favorite. It's a Latin-Asian fusion place with a cozy, modern interior and probably the best udon noodles I've ever tasted.
• OSF. Their premier production of a new Don Quixote on the Elizabethan stage was delightful and superbly creative, combining live actors, puppetry, and both period and modern costuming. Macbeth, performed on the more intimate indoor stage, was nothing short of astonishing. The multicultural cast didn't have a weak-link; the angular set and WW2-inspired costumes were stunning. I also thought the director's choice to use both adult actresses and little girls for the Weird Sisters was inspired - it made it seem as though the witches could take on any form they pleased. During Macbeth's "Is this a dagger I see before me?" speech, the little girls appeared and disappeared from the shadows flashing daggers in front of him. They also trailed behind Lady M like little ducks in a row during her madness scene. So haunting.
• Sunshine and fresh air.
• Clare & Sam, for offering endless support, love, and distractions while I was having such a hard time. For plotting evil deeds with me. For having a drink together long-distance. For being two of my saving graces.
• Kelli, for taking care of the house and my dogs while we were gone.
• Receiving a good deal of support and confidence from a very unexpected source.
• Extended Run, the scripted "reality show" on youtube written and directed by P. Sherman that follows the "drama" behind the scenes of the Spring Awakening Tour. It never ceases to entertain me.
• "Laminated Lists"
• Rule 12
• All the rules, for that matter. (KM, you need to send the complete list to me so I have it for archival purposes.)
• The Fug Girls, which Kelli recently turned me on to. As shallow as it is, it does make me feel a little better to read their witty dialog on celeb fashion mistakes. Plus, their writing sounds exactly like the conversations I have with you girls.
• Baking - another worthy distraction. Made banana muffins today.
• Discovering a new recipe to add to my favorites: flat bread with goat cheese, herbs, zucchini and red onion. A-frickin-mazing. And relatively easy to make.
• Taking some me-time for a lavender-chamomile bubble bath tonight.

Tomorrow starts a new week. Here's hoping it's better than this past one. No... here's to making sure it's better than this past one. I'm promising myself I'll get out of this funk one way or another.

Highs and Lows

Today has been a day of highs and lows, both in my feelings and emotions and in my blood sugars. So all in all it has been rather frustrating. I couldn't remember a few of the cuts tonight so my scenes sucked, and I hate when I feel poorly about a performance, especially when it isn't really my fault. I mean, is it fair to make cuts to lines that are going perfectly after you've said them correctly over 30 times!? Especially in a show with so much audience interaction that changes every night. Dave and I are struggling so much and we used to have the best scenes in the show. It really just doesn't seem fair, but that is theatre and life I guess. Also, I found out that I may be in serious trouble in terms of the NOMT account and not having enough money to get microphones this year. I have a phone date with Lace to hopefully figure that out on Monday morning, but I'm very worried.

On the bright side I wrote my the monologues for the 1800's through 1979 for NOMT! I am very excited about how much the audience (and more so) my actors are going to learn about the history of musical theatre! That is huge weight off my shoulders. About 15 minutes of talking down, about 10 or so left to go. Strike Up the Band has truly been an invaluable resource in this process.

I also had my blood sugar go low on street and Denise called me a temperamental actress after I told Lisa that I wanted to keep one of two of my monologues that haven't already been cut! I was a little forceful about it, but seriously! They made SEVEN cuts in the show this week and ALL from my scenes!! I wanted to slap her and tell her that at least I know my lines, but I just cried a bit instead.

So here is my list, despite my frustrating day:

• Getting started on the monologue writing. It is a lot of work, but it is totally going to be worth it.
• Rebecca Sharp.
• Adrienne Fletcher.
• Only having to do the show five more stinking times.
• Getting to see Amber and possibly Sasha in Missoula this Monday!
• Going raw again starting Wednesday. My body is ready to feel healthy again!
• Knowing that my A1C (the test that shows your average blood sugar over three months) is going to be much lower than it was at the beginning of the summer because of my super awesome pump!
• This blog, for making me feel grateful when I want to scream and hide from the world.
• Going in the park super early tomorrow morning with my mom. I kinda wish I could just quit the theatre and spend my last two weeks in the park, but alas, I will make due with the few days I have left in there. It is truly magical, and perhaps tomorrow Fan and Mortar will go off for me!!

Day 36: Text Dates

I don't know what to think right now. I've had one of those emotionally exhausting days that leaves you more confused than sure, and yet it was a really good day. So where does that leave me?

It was a low self-esteem day for me. I woke up noticing everything that is wrong with me, physically as well as emotionally. When I told my mom this, she whisked me off to Little Rock for a little retail therapy at my favorite store. We went to window shop, but I ended up finding two dresses that I loved, and when I could only afford one, my mom sprung for the other. Then, we decided on a spur of the moment trip to Texas. There's a little town just over the border that we're fans of, and it gave us a chance to talk through a lot things. It was this giant emotional purging. I told her things that I haven't told anyone. I had so much fun and laughed really hard for a good portion of the trip, and I'm glad we took it.

But now that I'm back in my house, listening to Jason Mraz and enjoying being back in sweat pants, I'm trying to make sense of everything I said and realized today. I'm not sure what to do with it all. Do I act on it? Can I act on it? Because I want to.

So, on this most confusing of days, I am grateful for:

• Wii shopping and bar hopping with L last night. It was good to just chat and forget about the things that have been on our minds. Good drinks. Good friend. Good clothing. Good conversation. I can't ask for more (except an in-person version).
• the text dates I've had with Lauren, Clare and Kelli during the past two days. I needed those conversations a lot more than I realized. They helped me forget about and work through some stuff. I love you girls. Thanks.
• having two new dresses. I'm on a big dress kick right now. I don't know why. But on a day where I felt like I was chub-tastic and helpless, these dresses made me feel gorgeous. They are magical, and I am so excited to wear them.
• impromptu mother/daughter road trips. I have the coolest mom ever.
• my new Garlic Zoom. It's my newest kitchen gadget. It chops garlic, and it's a toy at the same time.

Day 35: Army Roll

Last night I got really homesick. I missed hanging out in a bar with my girl friends and chatting about anything and everything. I missed the bar scene and the little bit of craziness it brings. Mostly, I missed the people.

I don't get along very well with other women. They seem to either love or hate me, and I usually feel the same way about them. And yet my closest friends are all women. I don't know what sort of cosmic fluke made us all love each other, but it's more than I could have expected.

So when I got homesick last night, I texted with two of my best girls. Clare and I plotted a European escape together, and Kelli and I were long distance bar buddies. I can't say it was just like being there, but it really was the next best thing. It was the best girls' night I've had while in Arkansas.

We're getting pretty damn good at this long distance thing. (But I still can't wait for a reunion.)

Today, I extend my gratitude for:

• Operation European Shot Glass. When Clare and I both discovered we wanted to escape from our evenings, we started plotting. As Clare mentioned, we came up with six items necessary for our getaway and figured out our destinations. I have every faith that Operation European Shot Glass will become a reality at some point. And it was the perfect relaxation to just talk with Clare like we were back sitting in one of our apartments.
• Wii bar hopping with Kelli. Kelli and I both decided we could use a drink, but since it's tacky to drink alone, we decided to text back and forth with our respective drinks. I kept referring to my drink as "the peach schnapps big gulp" and definitely promised to army roll next time I see Kelli. Again, it was nice to talk like we were sitting across from each other. It was a cross-country bar date.
• Travis Pastrana and the Nitro Circus crew. I was watching their show last night while Wii bar hopping. I think I really missed a calling with action sports. It all looks to amazing. I'm sure it's a lot of work, but it looks like such an adrenaline rush. That and they're hilarious.
• motivation to work out. I've finally found it, so maybe now I can really commit to getting back in shape.
• waking up to Sophie's friends barking at the back gate asking to come in and play. All three of her dog friends came to our back deck and stayed for a while, running around and playing. It's so cute how they're all buddies.

Operation European Shot Glass

Operation European Shot Glass:

• Item 1: Sexy European Men
• Item 2: Cocktails
• Item 3: A hotel suite with multiple bedrooms
• Item 4: Discount designer shops in Milan
• Item 5: Topless beaches.
• Item 6: Men, again.

This is Sam and my plan to escape our current lives. This plan saved me from having a nervous breakdown tonight when my director cut about 1/4 of my lines less than an hour before the show. I mean, it isn't like I've done the show 30 times with those lines in...oh, wait...and it isn't like I'm one of the only ones in the show who is line perfect...oh, wait....

Anywho! Tonight I'm grateful for Sam and our plan! It kept me sane. And more than that, I'm thankful for Sam. :) You are beautiful dear! And someday Operation European Shot Glass is actually going to happen! "I vow it!!!!" (Lovely quote from the quality show I'm doing this summer. Tehe)

Day 34: Career Bitch

It's only 2:15pm, and the day seems to be going perfectly. I got called back for a second interview for a job that I applied for. Even though I decided to decline another interview (It wasn't the job for me.), it makes me feel accomplished that the interview went as well as I thought it did. Then I checked my email to find that the company that I really want to work for is still interested in me. They had me write a personal letter to the staff explaining a little about myself, and I took a lot of risks in the letter, so I was worried it would blow my chances, but they liked it, and they still like me. I'm supposed to hear more this week.

I'm fully back in Career Bitch mode, and I couldn't be happier. I'm spending the day rebooting and reorganizing my Palm Pilot and figuring out how the Hell I want to present myself in the upcoming interview. On top of that, I have a kick ass dinner planned.

Also, today is my brother's birthday. He turns twenty-six today. It's rather obvious from previous posts (and anything anyone has ever heard me say about my brother) that we have a special relationship and that I really love him. I'm sad I couldn't be with him today, but I'm so grateful that he's happy where he is.

Other reasons for gratitude include:

• finally writing to Kelli. I'm in the middle of writing her right now, and it's nice to have a friend who likes writing old school letters as well. Plus, there's just a lot I want to tell her.
• a job prospect that means I could actually afford some of the cute clothes I've been looking at. (Not to mention, a job prospect where some of those same clothes could be put to use in my work wardrobe.)
• Em. I'm so glad we've managed to keep in touch. She's always there for me, and we really understand each other. (I need to write her back today.)
• the rain. It's been pouring today, and I've missed that so much. It feels like home when it rains like this.
• having my father actually say he was proud of me today. That doesn't happen that often. I actually don't remember the last time it's happened... But it happened today.

Day 33: Lazy Days of Summer

I stayed up late last night and got up early this morning to work on the coolest follow up to a job application. As a result, I'm kind of tired and content to just content to spend the rest of the night curled up eating the Chinese food that my parents are bringing home to me (They went out to dinner, but I was lame and decided to stay behind.) and watching the NCIS marathon that is currently going on.

Today, I am grateful for:

• having written something last night and this morning that I am really proud of. It's a good feeling.
• Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus. They are the fabulous authors of Citizen Girl and Dedication. Both have been good summer reads, and they've kept me entertained. I'm hoping they've written more. (The also wrote The Nanny Diaries which I'll pick up next time I'm at the library.)
• the Garland County Library. Without it, I would go poor buying books.
• having a really interesting job prospect.
• friendships that had turned awkward becoming...un-awkward...again. I had forgotten how much I missed this particular friend. We don't talk much, but it makes me happy when we do, and I know that I can count on him if I need to.

Choreography

Well, as usual lately, I'm exhausted by the time I sit down to write this. This evening has been fairly frustrating, but I'm still going to make a quick list of gratitude!

• Making some serious headway on NOMT choreography! Put on Your Sunday Clothes is done, as well as half of Ease on Down the Road! Woot. Ease on Down the Road is going to kick all of our butts. I am sooo sore!
• Horseback riding with the people from the Pinecone tomorrow!
• Getting a standing ovation tonight!
• Pooka. :) Always Pooka.
• My mom cutting up some AMAZING peaches for me to have in my yogurt today. Yumm. Going back to eating raw is going to be sooo easy with so many of my favorite foods being fruits!!
• The amazing fresh squeezed OJ I made last night. My electric citrus juicer is seriously one of my all time favorite kitchen appliances.

Namaste!

Day 32: The Pretty Girl Blues

I'm choosing to rock my list of gratefulness in paragraph form today. Below are the things I am grateful for.

• Music: I always mention bands or specific songs that I'm grateful for on any given day, but today there are too many. As I was getting ready for my interview today, I played Kerrigan & Lowdermilk, a little Duffy, some Lady Antebellum and some other random musical theatre tidbits. I love rocking out. It's the best way to calm my nerves or forget about something or even remember something. I remember one of my college professors saying that he believes good poetry can save lives. I totally believe it. Good lyrics, which are good poetry, can find a place in your soul and bring something out of you. Today, the music brought the best out of me. So tomorrow,I will continue to rock on.
• The Return of "Career Bitch" Mode: Okay, laugh all you want, but I love putting on a suit, straightening my hair, throwing on my "work make up" and being a total career bitch. I really do enjoy working. Even if I won the lottery, I would be the crazy bitch who still worked because I love buying nice things with money I earned. Getting ready for today's interview reminded me of that mode. I slipped right back into it. I can't wait to get back into a real job where I get to bust my ass and fall into bed at night. Plus, if I work hard, I get to play even harder!
• Ballet Flats: My toe is still freaking killing me, so, sadly, my favorite power heels were not an option today. (Yes, I have power heels.) But my silver ballet flats were there to save the day, keeping my professional and not making me want to saw my foot off. Until the return of the power heels, those ballet flats are my new favorite shoes.
• Zachary Levi: He's the guy who plays Chuck on, well, Chuck. He's gorgeous and funny, and he's a talented actor. I appreciate all of that. Very much. Plus, he sky dives and broke his hand playing Wii tennis. He's the ultimate kick ass nerd. Which I also appreciate. Very Much.
• Self-Confidence: Career Bitch Sam is probably the most confident version of me that exists. (I'll even admit that there's only a fine line between Career Bitch Sam and just plain bitch.) The business world is a world that I know I can take on, and none of my personal junk matters when I'm in the business world. I stop being the anorexic girl and start being the woman in control. And I love it. I re-found my self-confidence today. I remembered exactly what I'm capable of, and that's a feeling I've really missed.

Day 31: A Month of Gratitude

It's been a month since I've restarted this little practice of gratitude. Thirty-one days of naming five things that I am grateful for. Some days I've been tempted to list more, and sometimes I've been tempted to skip listing completely, but five is my constant number.

I know it's a little strange to not list more than five things I'm grateful for if I have them, but I limit myself to five for a reason. See, when I started this practice a few years ago, it was just lists. No explanations. Just a date and a list. If I wrote five things each day, I wouldn't be able to tell which days were good days and which days were bad. I would only focus on the good things. Now that the ritual has expanded, I've kept it at five because on the bad days, I want to push myself to think of five things that I'm grateful for. I never want to write it off as a bad day and just write down one thing. On the other side of things, if it's a good day, I want to leave something to be thankful for on the upcoming tomorrow.

Getting back into this has been positive part of my life. I won't lie and say that I haven't hit some major lows and a few minor bumps along the way. Those days are documented on here, so there's no use in denying them. But on those bad days, this helps me focus on the good things. And the good days give me great things to look back on when I'm feeling worse than I'd like.

I'd never shared this practice with anyone before. The journal I used to do this in was kept completely private, and I suspect it will stay private. But not only have I left these latest daily writings in a public domain; I've been able to have four of my closest friends writing their own lists and musings of gratitude right beside mine. It's created a great sort of support system that I didn't anticipate. I think we gain a lot of positivity from each other. I know that, at least, I gain a lot of positivity from the other girls. Even if I'm having a good day, it's made better by their good days. And just as importantly, if one of us is having a struggle, we know there are at least four other people out there thinking of us. I know on my bad days, I've read through everyone's writings and gotten a lot of joy out of their joy.

Today, I am grateful for my return to this daily ritual and the girls who have joined in this ritual with me. I am also thankful for:

• my phone chat with Amy tonight. It was so good to catch up voice to voice and get to tell stories and laugh in a way that texting just can't do.
• having an interview tomorrow. Could gainful employment actually be in my future?
• Duffy. Her album is perfect easy listening with a kick. It's the kind of music that makes you sway just a little bit, and I'm totally in love with it.
• "She's the same as me except she's not the same as me." Fucking brilliant! Loves it.
• chocolate and peanut butter cupcakes. I made a batch tonight to send to my brother for his birthday, and they're making my house smell fantastic. (Nate: If you have somehow managed to see this, please act surprised when they come in the mail. Love you.)

"I'm not complaining bout the fringe benefits / I'm stuck with this dilemma cuz the Prada shoe fits..."

Keeping the list short tonight due to being extremely sleepy, not because I don't have much to be grateful for! Though today wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary, it was a good day. Today I'm grateful for:

• Kait Kerrigan & Brian Lowdermilk's music, especially Tales from the Bad Years. I've had "Pretty Girl Blues" stuck in my head all freakin' day, but I still love it. If I get a chance to do another recital or cabaret or something, I really want to sing some of their music. (LOVE "Not a Love Story" and "My Party Dress too, btw.)
• The MOS (Merchandise Out of Stock) sale for those of us who work at Bath & Body. Basically, after we do inventory every year, we get a list from the company of products that will no longer be made, are no longer sellable, etc etc etc. Everything is perfectly good, we just can't sell it any more for one reason or another. So, all the sales associates get one bag, and we can buy whatever we can shove into it for only $5 total. For me, that included a $16 bubble bath, a couple of room sprays, a loofa, and a bunch of travel size shampoos and conditioners. Score!
• The ridiculous videos they make for our store meetings. We had a meeting tonight to talk about some of the new products we're launching for Fall, and how to "make a personal connection with our customers to turn them from satisfied to loyal." These videos always include segments with our company VP being really overly excited, and "demonstrations" of customer interactions.... and the sales girls on the videos are so ridiculous! Seriously, who honestly tells a customer that the new scent is "sensual, intoxicating, edgy, and inspired by the latest European fashions!"??? Definitely spent most of the meeting just laughing at the video and then coming up with our own, more realistic ways to talk to people.
• Cuppy's Coffee, the new(ish) coffee shop in my mall. Good coffee, chai, and smoothies, and better yet, they serve delicious salads and sandwiches that are a great alternative to greasy food court food. Had their asian chicken pasta salad and an iced chai during my dinner break tonight, and was oh so happy.
• Getting to belt my face off tomorrow night - Rent callbacks! Not even nervous (... yet), just excited.

Good night, girls!

Three Weeks

Three weeks from now I'll be back to Tacoma. Holy crap! I have SO much to do before then. And one thing is sleep. Hopefully without horrifying dreams tonight. So, here is a quick list of things that I'm thankful for today:

• Spending two hours making photocopies. I'm sending NOMT care packages to Adrienne and Rebecca so they'll have recordings of the music and all the sheet music I've accumulated so far. I have more than half, which makes me feel really good.
• Knowing that I'll have a NOMT cast four weeks from right now! Woot Woot!
• The idea of being back in my apartment in three weeks. I miss it.
• Knowing that I'm in a lot better shape than I was at the beginning of the summer.
• Having three more weeks here in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
• Beautiful friends who institute vegetarian days, I swear I'll convert you all to my veggie way of life some day!
• True Blood. It is brilliant. Though I love some story lines more than others, and I still need to watch season one!
• Clean sheets that I'm about to curl up in, even if they do have holes that pooka chewed into them!!
• All the work I'm going to get done in the next three weeks. 40 mini-monologues to write and six songs to choreograph! Here we GO!!!

Day 30: No Words

I'm not really sure what to say today, honestly. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm hardly ever at a loss for words, but today is one of those days. I'm just sort of here. It's not a bad thing at all. It just sort of...is. Maybe it's having spent the day taking care of Daisy or making sure that Sophie gets enough attention. Maybe it's the amazing ambition of taking two naps today. (Impressive...? Question mark...?) Today is an interesting foil to yesterday.

But, as always, there are still things to be grateful. They include:

• the season premiere of Mad Men tonight. I kind of adore that show. Love the honesty. Love the clothes. Love the characters.
• baked chicken with mushrooms and polenta. It's the first time I made it, and it was really good.
• Daisy feeling comfortable coming to us. She's the sweetest thing. (She's also a dog.) I'm glad she thinks of our house as a safe place.
• naps. Like I said, I somehow ended up taking two today. I'm not sure how that happened, but it felt really good. For some reason I've been exhausted lately.
• weekends. I got out of the loop of actual weeks and actual time so much, that I forgot how amazing a good, relaxing weekend could be. Tomorrow I have to get plugged back in, but I feel a lot better about it having had this weekend.

Day 29: A Life Worth Living (and Loving)

There is nothing special about today. It wasn't overly productive, and it wasn't overly exciting. And yet, I'm smiling. This is the first day in a long time that I have woken up and been happy for no particular reason. Not that it's been a really long time since I've been happy, but I've always needed a cause. In the past couple years, I've needed something good to happen, even if it was as small as a good cup of coffee with a good friend, to make me happy. Otherwise, I either float in this weird not-really-happy-but-not-really-sad mood or I'm just plain sad.

This is the first day I can honestly remember being happy to be alive in a long time. (In Philadelphia I was happy to experience it. In San Francisco I was happy to be there and be with friends. In Colorado I was happy to see Amy and see her city. But being happy to be alive is such a foreign feeling.) It's the weirdest feeling in the world to wake up happy that you didn't go through with killing yourself the last time you thought about it. I'm still not even sure how to process the emotions that are going on inside of me. But I know that I've been smiling all day.

It seems rather silly to be grateful for being alive. After all, in a way, it's kind of a gimme on the road of life. But I remember sitting on the bathroom floor of my apartment, less than a year ago, holding a razor blade and wondering if I should just get my life over with. It was one of the darkest nights of my life, and today I am grateful that something in my mind talked me out of it. I don't know if it was my better judgment, a Guardian Angel or something else, but I am grateful.

Along with that, today I am grateful for:

• blueberry cobbler bread. It tastes and smells cramazing. And it makes the best french toast, which I plan on making tomorrow.
• Tae Bo - I know I'm going to hate my muscles tomorrow when they all decide to mutiny, but that was the best work out I've had in a while.
• having a new book to read. I'm spending the rest of the evening staring out at the lake and diving into a new book.
• living on a part of the lake where I can just float on an inflatable lounge chair and not be disturbed. It's so beautiful today, and it's only 90 degrees, so it was the perfect day to relax by the lake.
• spending the afternoon and evening in jean shorts and an old tee shirt over my swim suit. Could it feel anymore summery?

"I love you so much it's retarded!"

When one does a show one gets awesome, kick ass quotes, and my title reflects that. Someone said this backstage or in the dressing room and mayhaps they were quoting something else....I don't have a real reason for the quote, I just love it.

Anyways...things have been a wee bit crazy. The show I'm doing opened last night and went fairly well. Then I had a masterclass and show today and not to mention all the awesome rehearsals leading up to opening night! Haha. Sooo...the masterclass today was with this professor from China from a college in east China who wants to become a sister college with us. They're sending us 20 students in the spring for a collaboration. It should be epic. My point of explaining all this is because yesterday my practicing in the practice room went less than stellar, not gonna lie. Real bad. But today I kicked ass! It was amazing. I've been working on some new technique (all thanks to my wonderful voice teacher) and she and the head of the music/opera program were impressed (sigh of relief!). It was nice to get the positive feedback and have improved so much over summer which was the goal.

And with that:

• My voice teacher.
  
• Sweating it out in the practice room daily.
• The new Black Eyed Peas CD. OMG---If you want a solid kick ass good time from start to finish get The E.N.D. (Thanks to Kari for the suggestion!)
• A weekend of freedom!
• Seeing The Time Traveler's Wife with the CO bff. Dinner and movie is gonna be awesome plus the book was UH-mazing. No joke.
  
• My mama for picking up the phone everytime I call and not hanging up when it's me crying about something on the other end.
  
• The new house and the new, quiet-in-the-morning roommates (THANK GOD!)
• Nico Castel (what did people do before him and his awesome word-for-word translations of WHOLE OPERAS?!? Working on translating Magic Flute right now and I'd be doing it for ten more years with my silly dictionary without this brilliant man!)
• Mac and Cheese. Made it for lunch and it was delish.
• Glee. (thanks Sam!)
  

Good night peeps!

Music.

Musicmusicmusicmusic!!!!

There's not much more that I want to say in this post. It was a good day. I was going to say that I was grateful for my free panty coupon at VS, free item with (my mom's) purchase at BBW, and two coupons making my book at Borders come to exactly $1.08.

But then my family sat down and we watched August Rush. Seriously. SO. GOOD. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's just beautiful. The entire film just has this wonderful flow and the music is spectacular and the story is all sweet and hopeful and then of course you get the added goodness of how beautiful Jonathan Rhys-Myers is, especially when singing and playing guitar and speaking in a beautiful Irish accent and then there's the adorable children and wow. The music. I'm downloading it as I type, because it's just lovely.

We finished the movie, and my dad immediately picked up his guitar, and the second I was at a stopping point in my texting conversation, I went to the piano and ended up playing/singing for over an hour instead of going to bed, even though I have a 7am walk/run date with my mother in the morning before a very long Saturday. I just wanted to make music. And I did, and it was lovely. And now I'm going to stop gushing and go to sleep with music playing and be happy.

Day 28: Correspondence

I'm a little less homesick today. I still want to be at NPCC or walking through Pike Place Market, but I'm also really happy to be here. It's an absolutely gorgeous day, and there are turtles swimming right off our dock. Plus, after the morning walk today, Doby (the neighbor's Basset Hound) decided that I wasn't giving out treats fast enough, so he popped up on my lap and shoved his whole head into the treat box. It was a-dorable and the perfect start to my morning.

I've been talking about writing old school with people for a while now. You know, actual pen and paper... I keep saying I'll do it, but I think I'll actually start now. Maybe that'll help with the home sickness. I don't know what it is, but there's something fun about getting something in the mail. Maybe it's just me, but I've always found it amusing.

So today, on this gorgeous day, I am grateful for:

• getting a good friend's address in Sweden.
• my awesome parents. On a day that I was seriously contemplating not eating, they came home from the grocery store with everything for some of my favorite foods (turkey burgers, my mom's awesome pasta salad and french bread with brie).
• the stuffed "fat cell" that Malin and Becky gave me before I moved to Arkansas. It's a small, stuffed ball of fluff with eyes. It sounds disturbing, but it's adorable. It was one of those things that would either be hilarious or horrible taste. I found it hilarious.
• coconut lime verbena body lotion. It smells so good.
• Post-It notes. They're my weirdest obsession. I love them. I use them for everything. It's entirely possible it's a sickness...

"Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held."

Since adopting this practice of offering gratitude, I've found my days brighten and my heart open. But I've also struggled with balancing this new(er) mindset with my natural gravitation towards the melancholic. A lot of people who consider me an acquaintance might be surprised to know that I'm drawn to things that are darker, more emotional, sadder, even, because I'm generally a rather bubbly, outgoing person. I'm constantly told that I'm the girl who smiles all the time, which I love. I don't want to change that (mostly) accurate perception. But I honestly find melancholy really beautiful. I find it romantic, in a way. Most of my favorite films are sad; I generally prefer singing and listening to ballads rather than up-tempo pieces; I enjoy solitude.

So I'm asking myself, how does all that fit into this bright, light, grateful existence? How do I not feel guilty for this outlook?

I think I (and we) have to realize that it's perfectly okay to be sad. It's okay to have dark days, to not be particularly grateful once in a while. It's okay to have lows as well as highs. That's what makes us human. It's alright to want to seclude myself for a while, put on something slow and acoustic, and enjoy the grey skies or - even better - the rain. The key is to soak in the moment, or the day if need be, and then continue ahead. Be grateful for the dark, because then the light will be that much brighter. Live in that moment. Just be cautious to not dwell too long.

Today is one of those days. It's not a bad day, there's nothing particularly out of the ordinary about it. But I'm craving solitude and quiet. I want a good cup of coffee, music in the background, my cat curled up next to me, and maybe some rain outside. I don't feel like being social, especially with my family, and I don't feel the need to make everyone happy. I don't really want to be goofy, running around and entertaining the puppy. And today I'm not going to feel guilty about that. I'm going to embrace it.

What about you? What balance within yourself are you struggling with today, and how might you reconcile it?

[A final note: The quote in this entry's title is something Jason Mraz said in a past blog, in case you were wondering. It stuck with me the first time I read it, and came to mind again when I was writing this. Here's the page if you'd like to read his entry in full: http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2008_10_01_archive.html. Scroll down to the last post, October 2, 2008. I think what he says there still rings true, and I especially connect to the phrase, "Everything is fine. Not finAL." He also says this, which sums up my entry today, and which I think is very true: "You are safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings."]

Love and peace to you, my dears.

Storm

Today isn't the best day for me. I feel really sick, but not in any way I'm used to. I feel like I might throw up, but I don't feel nauseous. I feel tired and just want to sleep all the time, but the more I sleep the more tired I get. To top it all off we found out today that my one of my dad's wonderful new kittens, Storm, has Feline Leukemia and FIP, both of which are fatal. She is so sick and I miss her being a happy healthy kitten and playing with her sister.

My dad got the news this morning, which is his birthday. I can't believe Faith just died and now this wonderful new kitten has only weeks left, if that. She is such a wonderful animal and I am crying typing this just thinking about Velo, her sister, being without her. They love each other so much, and in just three short months I've grown so attached to them. I knew I'd have to deal with leaving them at the end of the summer, but I never thought we'd lose Storm so soon.

So, today I'm grateful or tiny little Storm. She is a wonderful cat and she will be missed so much. Here is a picture of Storm and Velo, Storm is the little Tortie in the front. Any thoughts or prayers for her to have a peaceful and relatively healthy last few weeks would be greatly appreciated.

Absence Makes Kelli Fail.

I've been AWOL for a few days. Sorry! I've been grateful for a lot of things in this past few days, and I've caught myself thinking more clearly about what makes me grateful. I've also caught myself using the word grateful more, which is interesting. Is this little experiment of ours working? It just might be starting to have an effect. So here's a few things that I have filed away in my head.

-Fort Nisqually. I began volunteering as a reenactor there my junior year of high school and it's one of the only things from high school that I've kept doing. There's something magical about going to the Fort. It's changed a lot, even in these past six years, but most of the old faces are still there. We're all older, and we can't always make it to every special event, but when we're all together, it's wonderful. This weekend was our annual Brigade Encampment, which was just as wonderfully fun as it always has been. Once the public leaves and we start the potluck is when the fun really begins. We eat, laugh, play music, dance, and as the night gets later, we sit around our campfire singing old songs before curling up in our wool blankets to sleep while the wet logs crackle. It's comfortable, mostly peaceful, and it always helps remind me of who I am. It sounds weird, but leaving behind the world of technology and constant stimulation for two days is amazing.

-Listening to music with friends. Just curling up with blankets and putting on a good acoustic album, talking through some tracks and just listening and humming along to others. Peaceful and comfortable. (In an emotional way as well as a physical one.)

-Finding a publishing house in Seattle that's hiring. I applied this afternoon and am insanely nervous about it. But at least I've gotten my first publishing related job application done. Gah! So nervous!!!!

-Running. It can be torturous, but at the same time, nothing else quite gives me that full body, tired from exercise feeling. Getting to run around a lake and pass a cute guy running the other direction was a bonus this morning.

-The internet. Need I say more?

-Creativity. I've got an idea for another story forming in my head right now, and if it forms up like I'm hoping, it's going to be pretty kick ass. I love that feeling. The last time I was this interested in writing a story, it ended up as my capstone, which got a great reception from the people who have heard it.

I'm sure there's lots more, but I got up early for the aforementioned run and the 3pm coffee has long worn off. I'm tired, and I think I'll go to bed soon. I promise to be better about posting now. I don't want to continue to fail at blogging. I'm going to end with a quote, picked specifically to drive Lauren crazy.

"IIIIIIIII'M A SPY!!!!

And it's really fun.

And I wear a cape."

Day 27: Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!

I'm trying to figure out what shoes I have that I can tap together three times to end up at home. Red leather kitten heels? Patent-leather, deep wine, peep-toe pumps? Black gladiator slides? Flip flops? I will click every pair of shoes I own together if it takes me back to Seattle (or even Parkland).

Not that Hot Springs isn't a good place to be. This town is gorgeous, and this house it totally baller. I'm sitting in my bedroom that is larger than the common space in my college apartment, and I have my own entrance, walk-in closet, master bathroom complete with jacuzzi tub, personal entrance to the upper deck and a view of the lake. I'm definitely not complaining about the digs. They are beyond what I could ever ask for. And for that, I am incredibly grateful. This is an amazing house.

But I wish this amazing place was a little closer to the place that's really home. I know that it being away from everything is why it's good for me. It does get me away from all of my triggers while I learn to deal with them. But I miss people so much. I miss being able to walk through the places that hold so many memories for me. I miss face to face conversations with the people I care about.

But I'm just trying to focus on the good today. So, here is my list of gratefulness for the day:

• my cell phone - It keeps me connected, mostly through text, to everyone.
• Twitter and Facebook - It's nice to get life updates and be able to see pictures. Sometimes it gets me a little that I can't be there in real life, but it's always good to at least be able to see.
• that I have the ability to visit - I'm not sure when it's happening next, but I'm committed to (and lucky enough to have parents who are committed to helping me) visit the Homeland. Those are my favorite trips.
• the beginning of football season - I love me some football, and exhibition games have started. So. excited. I've got the Pro-Am Pigskin celebrity flag football game on in the background, and it makes me happy. Football is good anywhere.
• the neighbor kids who made me laugh and then fear for my life today - The girl, probably nine-ish, was fishing, and her older brother, maybe eleven, was holing the fish at gunpoint after they were hooked, Totally safe...

Day 26: Freedom

I've spent the past thirty-six hours absolutely drowning myself in paperwork for job applications, online undergrad programs that are actually accredited, non-profit interests, dance studios and literary magazines. Not that I'm complaining. I feel really productive getting so much done. My "to do" list has been crumpled down to "do laundry, scrub shower, write back to friends." That's a pretty damn manageable list. I'm a little proud of myself.

So as a reward, I'm spending the day lounging (in super-comfy pajama pants and my favorite old tee shirt) and catching up on a little light reading. I've got Kerrigan and Lowdermilk's "Freedom" blasting from my computer speakers, and my head is nodding along to the beat as I let myself get immersed in page after page. It's the perfect afternoon.

Eventually I'll have to get my ass in gear enough to make dinner. I have a serious craving for empanadas, but in all probability, I'll let it wait for tomorrow. Today is a day for an easy-going meal and perhaps a custom cocktail. Mmmm...

Today, I am grateful for:

• being able to read for pleasure. No explanation needed.
• YouTube. It's how I'm blasting all this K&L goodness. It's entirely possible I would live a way less cool existence without it.
• feeling this accomplished. It's such a good feeling. I've missed my Type A, career bitch, "go big or go home" attitude that drives me accomplish as much as possible in a day. (It also makes me feel way less guilty about relaxing.)
• my giant shower. Nothing is more relaxing than standing under hot water and steam and just letting it wash everything away.
• this house in general. It's kind of baller.

Namaste

Blood sugar is low. Bed is calling. But I'm grateful for grad school audition applications becoming available, breakfast at Nova, new diet goals that focus on insulin amounts (which will help my health and my waistline) my pump, Pooka, beautiful friends, and inheritance money that may allow me to get to King's and Mana's wedding!

Namaste!

"Look at my FACE, I'm dancing!"

Oh goodness. Ladies, I have to tell you, my dance callback tonight was just... laughable. Really. I didn't have the first clue what I was doing, and the director (who was also taking us through the choreography) kept using all these technical tap terms, and it was SO. DAMN. FAST. But, you know, I moved in the correct direction across the stage, and I kept smiling, and I jazzed those hands like they'd never been jazzed before, and I am grateful for that! I'm grateful that my feet stayed in rhythm and I'm grateful that I have a vocal callback to redeem myself. I'm also glad that I somehow managed to have some fun through the whole thing instead of just shrinking into my shell and sneaking out of the theatre while the director pranced around the stage. (Oh. He pranced. In tap shoes.)

Here are some other things I'm grateful for today:

• Possibly the best dance advice I've ever heard, from Clare, by way of one of her instructors: "Look at my FACE, I'm dancing!" If ya keep the face going, hopefully they won't pay too much attention to your feet.
• "Okay now, you're all ladies, not elephants. We don't want stomping!" - quote from the director tonight. He then proceeded to demonstrate how an elephant would step-ball-change-hop, and how a cute little girl would do it. Which was hilarious.
• Kirsten offering to let me borrow her extra taps tonight since I don't own any. Definitely took her up on that.
• Singing songs from Cabaret with Kirsten in voices that can only be described as Ethel Merman on helium. I'm sure it was a "you had to be there" thing, but it was so, so funny.
• Starbucks chai tea - my reward to myself after tonight's mess.
• Having my vocal & reading callback for Guys & Dolls on Saturday, and my callback for Rent on Monday!!! So excited!
• Casts lists will be up next week!
• Jackie Roberts - I picked up my beautiful Alice and Wonderland painting tonight. In case you haven't heard, she's selling custom paintings to raise money for her study abroad in Ireland. Mine's a reproduction of the original illustration of Alice meeting the Caterpillar.
• Christy Altomare's music. It's been my soundtrack since I got home. If you haven't discovered her music yet, you're seriously missing out. Check out her CD After You - LA Sessions. It's acoustic and mellow, sometimes haunting, sometimes groovy; love it.

G'night, loves!

Day 25: Tales From the Bad Years

I hate going to the doctor. With a passion. They poke and prod just to tell me things I already know. Basically, the only reason I tolerate going to one is to get my antidepressants and to make sure my body is no longer eating itself. (How's that for a mental image?) So, obviously, when I woke up this morning, I was less than thrilled at the knowledge that I had an appointment today. I actually did a celebratory happy dance when I thought I would have to cancel. But no such luck.

On the bright side, I have now had a medical professional tell me that I'm pretty healthy. She gets a big time Minus Ten for telling me my weight and expecting me to be happy. ("Wonderful! I had no idea that chub-tastic was actually the goal! That makes me feel ever so much better!") But in a way, it is nice to know that I'm not just fooling myself into thinking that I'm improving. I still have depression and body image issues to work out, and eating consistently leaves something to be desired, but hell. Baby steps. Baby steps.

My list o' gratefulness:

• surviving my doctor's appointment and not having to go back for six months - Cue the happy dance.
• my walk-in closet - I love. Seriously. I had no idea what I was missing. There's so much space!
• Kerrigan & Lowdermilk - I had totally forgotten about their music for a while, but they're still a favorite. Tales From the Bad Years is such a great show. So relatable. "How to Return Home" and "Twenty-Something" have been on constant repeat lately.
• big jewelry -Giant earrings have special powers of happiness. It's true.
• turkey burgers - They're one of my new favorite foods. My parents are doing "regular burgers" tonight, but I have a new turkey burger recipe that I've been waiting to try.

Back in FoCo

So it's been a few days since the wedding and I'm STILL tired. Don't plan a wedding people....it's rough, not gonna lie. AND the show I'm in opens Thursday (ACK!) so things are continuing at ful speed. I'm in my new place which is AWEsome. I'm totally falling in love with it. It's pretty adorable. Right now I'm here alone which is nice because I've been unpacking and getting settled and I've been leaving messes (small ones!) here and there, which I'll clean up soon, I swear! ANYWAYS, life is good. Show opens Thur, masterclass Fri AND the opening of Time Traveler's Wife with Rachel McAdams and Steamy McSteam Face Eric Bana. LOVED the book and I know the movie'll be different, but I don't care. Linds and I will be first in line to see this awesome movie which will undoubtedly end with me crying like a big fat baby. Bring. It.

Man I'm grateful today about a LOT of things:

• CABLE!!!!! OMG. For serious, people. When you don't have cable for a year (which surprisingly I was able to quit cold turkey when I moved here) it's like going back on crack. Or crack fries. I could watch BRAVO all day and NEVER be bored.
  
• Bravo: Kathy Griffin, Real Housewives, Top Chef....sigh.
  
• Lifetime. LET ME EXPLAIN: Has ANYONE seen Drop Dead Diva? It's bloody brilliant! Not gonna lie.
  
• Comedy Central: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert rock my world.
  
• Switching my crazy internet line through Verizon into a cell phone line for my mama. I can now call her FOR FREE! Holla. Love the mama.
  
• My cute house. It's nice to be in a house after only living in apartments. Our kitchen is ESPECIALLY cute.
  
• My bed. When I got back to FoCo I forgot how much I loved my bed till the last few nights.
  
• Walking ACROSS THE STREET to practice. I did it today for the first time and it felt amazing.
  
• New musical theater music. Picked some up from my friend David whilst I was in town and ran through some of it today. I love it. I cannot wait until I get to perform some of them!
  
• Cue to cue. I know, crazy, right? And it was a wee bit painful---but so many awesome jokes happen when you're deliriously tired and standing around forEVER. Plus Claeb's girlfriend brought cold pizza and it was the most delicious thing I'd ever tasted, esp since we were all starving.
  
• Texting with my mom. Now that she has a cell phone again we've been texting. There's nothing like texting with the parentals.
  

Good night peeps!

"A five, six, seven, eight!"

Ugh, girls, I have fallen behind on my blogging! Sorry! I didn't even realize that I'd failed to post my gratitude over the weekend. And I do have so much to be grateful for - as we all do.

Lately I've been most thankful for theatre. I mean, yes, I am grateful for the theatre every day of my life... it's my career, my passion, hopefully my paycheck.... but with three callbacks this week and one next week, I'm even more thankful for this art. I can't get enough of the natural high that comes from being on stage. I love the ability to become a completely different person. I love the energy you get from an audience and I love how the theatre gives people an escape for a few hours. I love that the theatre can entertain, educate, inspire, and challenge.

Tonight I went to a callback for Curtains, where I think I somehow managed to hold my own doing the can-can choreography. We all sang part of "The Woman's Dead," the first of the show's two comic funeral dirges. I was also one of six girls to read for Niki Harris, the show's ingenue. I have dance callbacks for Guys & Dolls tomorrow night, during which I have to tap. (I don't tap. I think the most tap I've ever done was a summer class in jr. high.) The vocal/cold read callback for the same show is on Saturday. Best of all, I found out today that I've also been called back for Rent; that callback is a week from today, Monday the 17th. (All three shows are at Tacoma Musical Playhouse.)

I feel so incredibly lucky that the folks at TMP have taken such an interest in me. It may be community theatre instead of pro, but it's good community theatre, and it's resume building. More importantly, being in one or more of these shows gets me back on stage, and I've been away from the stage for too long. Things are movin' and shakin', folks, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

That's what I'm grateful for today. What are you grateful for?

Youtube Homework

I'll make this short and sweet since it's late and I'm exhuasted and need to get to sleep. But I am grateful for lots today.

• Having reliable internet today! Though the guy who runs the internet that my mom uses is somewhat less than reliable he seems to have finally fixed our problem and hopefully the internet will stay speedy quick until I get back to Tacoma!
• Moving the treadmill into the dining room so I can get to work on choreography.
• Learning original Broadway choreography via YouTube. It truly is a great tool for making musical theatre available to the masses.
• Learning the original choreography to the slow part of The Dance at the Gym. Possibly the most iconic Broadway choreography EVER. But now I realized I need to learn the guys part too...thankfully it is basically the girls part on the other side!
• Learning the original choreography to the jazz section of "God I Hope I Get It" form Chorus Line. I know it, this does not mean I can do it. But two hours of YouTube and looking at my computer over my shoulder and it is at least in my brain. I am going to try and practice it every day until auditions and maybe I'll be able to do it by then!
• Michael Bennet and Jerome Robbins choreography. It will never die. :)

Here is a link to the clip (I think, I've never tried to post a link in a blog before) if you want to check out the crazy choreography I've been struggling through all evening!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAsab0kEs9I

Day 24: Operation Mod Cloth Pin Up

I do believe I have talked to every member of Daily Gratitude today. Kelli and I discussed how we're going to take over the world. Lauren and I had a quick exchange about women in rubber. Amy and I have talked about her ability to read my mind and her being hid beneath a bar. Clare and I talked food and shared some random love. And bonus: I'm txting with my college roommate right now.

Today has been a day of friends. Some conversations were silly, and some of them were serious. Some lasted longer than others. But it felt so good to connect with so many good friends. One of my biggest fears when I moved was that people would either forget about me or brand me as "that girl who went fucking crazy." And people have done that. I've lost touch with a lot of people, and I've heard some less than awesome whispers through Ye Olde Grapevine. But I honestly don't give a damn because the people who meant the world to me before the move have stayed a constant fixture in my life after the move. It's not a method I recommend for finding out who your friends are (even though it's incredibly effective). But I'm not as heartbroken with the results as I thought I would be. I still have the people that mean the most to me, the people who I would want to be there if I ever sustain blunt head trauma and decide I'd like to get married.

I am incredibly grateful. These people (the ones listed and a few others) have managed to change my life and make sure that it didn't change all that much. As a girl with major commitment/attachment issues, I never expected to feel this way about a person. I never even dreamed I would feel this way about people.

Thank you. Really. Thank you.

My list of gratefulness goes like this:

• ModCloth.com - I spent a little while today looking through their stock and rationalizing that I could totally make some of their stuff part of my work wardrobe, thus making it a legit purchase.
• Kelli joining me in my plot for world domination - We have a pretty solid plan worked out. Watch out, World. (And we're going to look damn fabulous while we do it too!)
• fun cook books
• Clare's willingness to let me hit her up for vegetarian recipes when I run out of my own
• today's weather - It was gorgeous sunshine, a hundred degrees and breezy. Perfect.