But it occured to me, living here doesn't mean putting my life on pause. I've finally stopped thinking of Arkansas as an intermediate step between my life in Seattle and my future. Just because I moved away doesn't mean that my life has to be on hold. I can make a life for myself here. If I leave that life in six months or a year, then so be it, but I might find something worth staying here for.
I've decided to go back to school to finish my degree this fall. (I took medical leave from university to move here and get myself together.) I'm determined to stop isolating myself and really make an effort here. I've been treading really softly in fear that something might interfere with my recovery, but living my life again will probably help the process.
Today I start my life again. It's not as bad here as I initially thought (It's actually quite nice), and there's a lot that I'm probably missing out on. Not anymore.
I am grateful:
- that I finally found the resolve to push my own limits.
- for the smell of focaccia bread that is wafting through my house.
- for music that you just can't help dancing to. Even on days when I'm feeling particularly mellow, it's nice to have some music that makes me bounce around. It helps make sure that "mellow" doesn't transition into "depressed."
- for online shopping. I've managed to find my mom some new clothes for her birthday and get them delivered to the house, so she has no idea that she's even getting anything.
- for the jade elephant that is on the nightstand next to my bed. It reminds me of my grandparents, even though my grandfather has passed away and my grandmother is back in the Seattle area with Alzheimer's.
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