Day 10

Last night was the first major breakdown I've had in a while. Sitting in my room watching the minutes tick away on a clock, all my body would let me do was cry uncontrollably. I was a wreck, and all I wanted to do was stop feeling.

I moved back in with my parents because of nights like this. Afraid of what I might do if left alone, I went and woke up my mother, asking her to watch a movie with me. The crying didn't stop, and the movie didn't help, but I was hoping it meant that we didn't have to talk. Because when my mother finally did ask what had triggered everything, I was too embarrassed to tell her.

A brownie. That's what made me break. I spent hours rocking back and forth because I was ashamed that I had eaten a piece of brownie that was about two square inches. Those two square inches were my undoing.

My list of fears goes something like this: loss/abandonment (intangible), sharks (tangible), getting fat (being overly tangible). That brownie triggered every part of my last fear. I worked out until I almost passed out, and I'm still not convinced that I fixed whatever damage those calories did.

Today, the tears have stopped, but the feeling is still there. That brownie destroyed my figure, and I destroyed myself by eating it. I don't want to gain anymore weight. I don't want to be that girl. My stomach goes out too far, and my legs are too big, and I'm annoyed with myself for not having the self control to not make the situation worse.

I've already decided that I'm not eating today to make up for yesterday. I have to do something to even things out. Maybe after a work out, things will all be okay. I know I have to sound crazy right now, but it's hard to explain. I just need to fix things.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be okay.

Today, I am thankful for the things that will get me through the day, one step at a time:

• Kirkland Signature Weight Loss Shakes - They're the only thing I'm letting myself eat today, and they've got enough vitamins to keep me going. All the nutrients and less than 600 calories if I drink three.
• the amazing note and voicemail Amanda left me yesterday (I saved both.) - Amanda has been one of my closest friends since middle school. This girl put up with me during my drama-tastic phase, and she's still so supportive, even from Sweden. (Love you!)
• my mother, who let me wake her up at 2am and keep her up until 5am. She was there to hug me when I woke up this morning, and she lets me break down without judgment.
• Clinique - I feel the need to fix my appearance, and their make up is my favorite. Maybe getting up and doing my make up will give me a bit of a pick up.
• antidepressants - This is probably a really tacky thing to put on the list, but it helps. I've been better since I've started the meds, and I'm scared to think how bad last night would have been if I wasn't taking something to offset the sadness.