Day 6

It's a weird transition going from wanting to die to wanting to live. Six months ago, even two months ago, I was convinced that I could never be healthy and "normal," and I wanted to just give in and spare myself the pain. I'm not proud of those days, but it doesn't change that I honestly felt that way.

I'm not sure when I turned the corner from hopeless to hopeful. It seems odd to say that I just woke up one morning and was more content. But whatever the reason, whatever the timing, I'm in a much better place now. I still have bad days, as everyone does, but now it's bad days mixing with the good ones instead of the occasional good day in the middle of a bunch of bad ones.

Like I said, I'm not proud of the lows that I've hit and the absolutely manic breakdowns I have had. But as I went from low to high yesterday, I remembered the one good part about the lows: I never appreciate my happiness as much as I do right after I've been depressed.

I never go from a low to an emotional middle ground. I always go from a low to a high. Maybe it's joy that I made it through or maybe it's some sort of whiplash effect. I really have no idea. But after I've overcome hitting rock bottom, I'm on top of the world. It's a high I haven't been able to find any other way.

Realistically, if I could erase the lows from my life and my history, I probably would, but I am grateful for the happiness that follows, for the calm after the storm that is absolute euphoria. It's true happiness, and I'm grateful for having experienced it.

Maybe that's sounds really messed up, but it's my silver lining. Hell, it's my platinum lining. I don't really know how else to explain it. But today, I am grateful for the immense happiness I have felt in the wake of yesterday's low.

Also, I am grateful for:

• waking up face to face with Sophie's stuffed hedge hog. Whenever she senses that I'm in a weird mood, she gives me all of her dog toys in an effort to make me feel better. It's so sweet.
• the insanely large stuffed duck that sits in the corner of my room. My mom got it for me in high school after a strong bout with my depression.
• OPI "Chicago Champagne Toast" nail polish. It's my favorite color of polish, and I'm planning on sitting in the sun and painting my nails today. Having my nails painted always makes me feel good.
• cute (and sometimes crazy) photos. I got these two picture frame collages a few days ago for my room, and it's been so much fun looking through photos to see what I want to put in them.
• all the people who have been so supportive of me. I probably don't say enough how much I appreciate it.