Day 5

Last night was a rough night for me in terms of gratitude. All my gratitude seemed to disappear when I looked in the mirror. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that something like my appearance ruined a fairly perfect day, but one look at my reflection and my self-esteem was shot.

Recently, I've gained a lot of the weight back that I lost because of my anorexia. The rational part of my brain knows that this is a good thing and that it means I'm healthy again. The irrational side of my brain just sees that I've gained weight. I was heartbroken. So used to being super-skinny, I couldn't stand that I had gained x amount of weight. (I know exactly how much. I'm just not overly inclined to share...) Even this morning, I'm nowhere close to thrilled about it.

I know that "beauty is only skin deep" and that "it's what's on the inside that counts." I know there are more important things in life than what I look like. But I forgot. And even now I'm saying it, in part, to convince myself. Because we as a society do judge people by how they look. We all judge the book by its proverbial cover. (Although most of us are willing to change that impression when proven wrong.)

I don't want to be the fat girl. I don't want to be the ugly girl. I don't want to be so damn imperfect on the outside because I'm not perfect enough on the inside to make up for it.

So at one in the morning, close to tears, I called Amy and told her what I had seen in the mirror and how silly I felt for letting it get to me. She talked me through it and cheered me up and distracted me, and by the end of the conversation I was crying with laughter instead of self loathing. I don't know what I would have done with that conversation.

So, today I am grateful for that conversation, and for Amy's willingness to have it. It got me back on the right track to appreciating what's there instead of what's missing. I'm still not happy with how I look or that at least five of the pounds I've gained have decided to take up residency in my ass. But while it bothers me, it doesn't define me.

I'm hoping all of this will drift into the background, and the sunshine and gorgeousness surrounding me will have some sort of healing power. Until then, I'm choosing to focus on the following:

Today, I am grateful for:

• Next to Normal. It's an amazing musical, and I feel like it says everything that I've been trying to articulate for years.
• getting back to a solid work out routine, even if it is hella painful.
• zucchini spice cupcakes. They're my favorite, and no matter how self-conscious I am about my weight, nothing can stop me from eating every last one of them. (I'm making a double batch today.)
• finally being able to draw that fine, fine line. (Avenue Q reference, anyone?)
• Wednesday and Thursday nights still being girls' nights despite geographic challenges.