Day 75: "My grief place is a slutty place."

Today has been an amazing day. I didn't have expect to have a good day while I was in town, quite frankly, but today was happy and energizing and everything that I needed.

For starters, I had coffee with Kelli to this morning/afternoon. Sitting at a corner Starbucks in Columbia City, we got to catch up and nerd out and just chat in a way that is so hard to do through texting or over Facebook. It felt so good to see her in person and be able to hug her and hear her laugh. We're crazy. But we're awesome.

From there, it was off to Kirkland and then Tacoma to see my cousin play for her high school volleyball team. It was a fun ride chatting with my aunt, and Emma (my cousin) and I are so much alike despite being so different. It's amazing how similar we can be growing up in different households and with somewhat different interests. She's a cool kid. And an amazing young woman.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• Kelli driving all the way to Columbia City to see me. Best morning I've had in a while.
• all of the old photos of my grandmother I saw today. I really do look so much like her.
• good meals with my aunt, uncle and cousin. Tina (my aunt) is a great cook, and it's just been great family time.
• Jason Mraz. I've been listening to him a lot while I'm here. "Beautiful Mess" is still my favorite song. I can't even explain how comforting his music is.
• family time. I've needed it.

Thanks to everyone for the good vibes. Love to you all.

Where I go, when I go there...

It has been FAR too long since I've posted. And I have had so much to be grateful for in the last week. It has been a trying week emotionally and physically, but such a good one at the same time. Sometimes the weeks that have the highest highs and the lowest lows are the best. Yesterday for instance I was stuck in a strange 'existential limbo'. That whole question of "what am I doing with my life?" was at the forefront and really becoming a problem. It is still bothering me, but then last night I went to NOMT dance rehearsal.

I taught the choreography for Touch Me. It is beautiful. It is the best song ever written and the best piece I have ever choreoraphed. And all my dancers in it are incredible. It was such a blessing to get to live in that song for three hours and I can't wait to work it again tonight.

So, with that, I'm off to watch SYTYCD. Another thing to be grateful for, and then off to review all 13 (YES 13) Dances we've learned so far.

But first, a short list:

• So You Think You Can Dance being back on. Beautiful.
• Spring Awakening. Particularly Touch Me.
• My cast. They are really what is getting me through this semester.
• Dance. Which I never would have truly rediscovered if I hadn't come to PLU.
• My friends. You all know who you are and I love you.
• Relationships. While I'm not in one at the moment and kinda frustrated with that, I'm trying to see the beauty in my friends' relationships and be happy for them. Like Noam and Angie. They are adorable together and I hope it works out for them. :)

Namaste.

Day 74: Vehicular Douchebaggery

In a sense, today was better than yesterday. I had my breakdown early while at Calvary Cemetery visiting my grandfather's grave. But I saw his grave and Uncle Mark's grave and just talked to them until things made more sense of less sense. Then I headed to hospice, where I still am, to be with my grandmother. She's tired today and only just woke up from an epic nap, but she held my hand for a while, and it's a memory I'm going to keep with me. Knowing that I could calm her down is a really touching thing.

So I've been exhausted all week, and apparently the less sleep I get, the more I swear. I yelled at a bus that cut us off on the freeway today and then grumbled, "I am in no mood for vehicular douchebaggery." Apparently, I'm back in "don't fuck with me" mode. [Insert your own Kathy Griffin "She'll Cut a Bitch" joke here."]

I guess my point is that I'm making it. I couldn't see being anywhere but here.

My list o' gratitude includes:

• sleeping in this morning. I had a head ache like a motherfucker, and it kind of went away.
• having hosts that enjoy swearing. It makes editing so much less necessary. And it's good for some laughs.
• this time with my grandmother.
• Advil. No joke. I'm taking four more right now.
• Justin's version of "I Think The Strange, The Crazed, The Queer" from Glass. I sang it to my grandmother to make her fall asleep. It's oddly perfect.

"What are you grateful for today?"

Those were the words Bushwalla asked the crowd last night. Lauren and I looked at each other and smiled. I felt a mix of surprise, excitement and a little bit of fate. He couldn't have picked a more perfect question of the day.

It had already been a more than usually fun day. The weather was beautiful, there was no traffic for our mini road trip, we had spectacular music to drive to, and I got to drive over 60 mph, an occurrence I always enjoy just a little. There had been coffee, fun conversations, I was wearing a cute shirt, and our seats were good. We had almost been run over by Bushwalla and were still taking joy in (and kicking ourselves over) our almost interaction with him.

The perfect question was just the beginning of what was a truly incredible, amazing, uplifting, fucking brilliant night. Bushwalla's couple of songs were a fun warmup, and G. Love and Special Sauce are a new and wonderful musical discovery for me. After the groovy, funny, sometimes raunchy, bluesy, dueling harmonica set from them, we were treated to some Michael Jackson while the crew set up for Jason. And what followed was about two hours of incredible talent, energy, and good spirits. Lauren and I sang, danced, didn't steal things, and had a wonderful wonderful time. Even being at home over 24 hours later, I'm still on a little bit of a high from it. That man knows how to throw a concert.

I say "throw" a concert because it felt so much more like a giant party than just a performance. For a couple of hours, we were all together, having fun and all a part of something special and memorable. We ended up having drinks in the hotel bar afterwards. I'm glad we did, because even as tired as I was, there was no way I would have been able to settle down right away. I was too excited.

So, in a very small list, I give you a vague recap of my gratefulness:
-Bushwalla's humor, qotd, and music.
-Finding new music and falling more in love with old favorites.
-Getting to spend time with one of my favorite people in the world.
-Best quote of Saturday afternoon/evening: "I apologize on behalf of your subconscious."

And as I get read to go sleep, this is the final reason I am grateful:

(You're welcome for the eye candy.)

"Did you know that Joseph Stalin was taken?!?"

Ah Friends. I have two roommates and one of them owns all 10 seasons of Friends while the other one and myself have not experienced watching Friends all the way through. So, we are. And it's been good times thus far. We've finally finished the first season which has taken us awhile...perhaps three-ish weeks. It's hard for all of us to be home to watch and for there to be nothing else to be on the TV. And tonight I witnessed Joey wanting to create a stage name for himself---and of course Chandler suggested Joseph Stalin. Excellent. Of course hilarity ensued. The best was Chandler's face whilst Joey became convinced that it was a good idea.

I have to say that I have a ridiculous amount of things to be grateful for, I just know that I find a way to NOT be grateful day to day. It's quite silly, really. How is it that I am incapable of holding onto the good things in my life? Hmm....mayhaps stress. And school and all that. But really I think it's the way that I have conditioned myself. It's so much easier to freak out (which I'm hella good at) and thusly I find myself spiraling into a shit storm of stress. Good. Times. So while I'm in my last year of school (FOR. EVER.) I need to refocus and recenter myself. I need to love all the moments of laughter (which I do. Totes) and the gems that happen throughout my day rather than the big life changing decisions that are breathing down my back. Le sigh. Easier said than done. With my birthday less than two weeks away I shall endeavor to do just that. Truly.

• Friends with my friends.
  
• My impending Quarter Life Crisis. For reals.
  
• The cocktail party for said crisis (It's gonna be redonkulous).
  
• The DE-lish cupcakes I ordered for said party.
• The cute boy I havea crush on. He's adorable.
  
• The birthday card I got in the mail today from my mom almost two weeks early. Gotta love the mom.
  
• New bras. I spent a lot of money, but hopefully it'll be worth it.
  
• Costume fittings for the opera (I'm grateful because this had never happened before here--no really. The woman who used to do the costumes would just like eyeball us and make it work. But it didn't work. At all.)
  
• The Invention of Lying. Can. Not. Wait. to see this movie. For reals.
  
• My friend/roomie's recital this Friday. It's gonna be legit and she's gonna be beautiful.
  
• My bed. It's beautiful. I love it.
  

Good night all! Sending love to you Sam!

Day 73

I am currently exhausted as fuck. It's been a long day of talking about my feelings, holding in my feelings and remembering that there are times when profanity is unacceptable. I don't mean to imply that there was anything overly bad about today, besides the obvious. It was just draining.

I am grateful for;

• my cousin, Emma. I forget how much I love her and enjoy spending time with her. She's a really cool kid.
• the San Francisco dress. I wore in today in hopes that looking good would help me feel good. I think it worked a little bit.
• dinner with my aunt, uncle and cousin. The silver lining to all of this is that we're getting in a lot of family time.
• crossword puzzles. I did them beside my grandfather's hospital bed before he died, and now I have a book of them for spending time with my grandmother.
• my over-sized cardigan. So. Comfy.

Destination Jason - The Gratitude Cafe Road-trip

Oh. My. Goodness! This weekend has left me exhausted, inspired, uplifted, and completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I can't imagine much that would have made this (belated) birthday any better. (And what I can, well... I'll leave that to you to... imagine for yourself.)

But seriously - dinner with Jacklyn, Kelli, and Clare on Saturday was lovely and just what I needed, and my trip to Portland with Kelli yesterday and today was absolutely fantastic. The custom mix cds made especially for our road-trip, the concert, drinks at the hotel, seeing Nick today - all wonderful. I am so grateful for good friends, good food, great music, and the incredible amount of positive energy that surrounded me the last three days.

I've been staring at my computer screen for the last fifteen minutes or so trying to figure out how to adequately describe just how insanely amazing the Jason Mraz concert was last night. And I'm not entirely sure I can. Here are the best descriptors I've come up with thus far: funky, sexy, soulful, joyful, beautiful, inspiring, uplifting, energizing, loving, GRACIOUS. Hopefully that gives you some sort of insight into the kind of evening Kelli and I had.

For starters, we almost walked right into Bushwalla while heading towards our seats. I guess he was hanging out with all the Gratitude Volunteers who were playing games, hula hooping, and just spreading the love throughout the arena. K and I definitely did a double take after he swooped past us, looked at each other and went, "... Was that Bushwalla?!?" Seriously awesome. I just wished we'd realized it was him sooner so we could wish him a good show or something.

Bushwalla warmed up the crowd with a couple of songs and MC'd the whole concert, along with guesting with Jason and G. Love & Special Sauce, the other opening act. If you love Jason Mraz and haven't gotten into Bushwalla yet, you must. Like Kelli said to me, he's sort of a baritone, soulful version of Jason. Check him out on iTunes or on his website. I particularly love his track "Acoustic Rhymer."

After Bushwalla, G. Love & Special Sauce (aka my new infatuation) took the stage. Again, if you've never heard them - and I hadn't until last night - I highly recommend them. Their music is hip-hop meets blues meets funk, with a lot of soul and some killer harmonica. "Peace, Love and Happiness" has a bouncy, joyful feel, while tracks like "Can't Go Back to Jersey" and "Booty Call" insist that you get up and dance. All of their albums (and there are many) can be found on iTunes or you can listen to every track in full on their website. (With handy lyrics that pop up along side.)

Jason's set was, of course, abso-fuckin-lutely amazing. He did a bunch of songs from We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things as well as some older favorites like "Unfold", "You and I Both," and new versions of "The Remedy" and "Curbside Prophet." He and Toca also performed a gorgeous duet written by Toca's brother called "Dear Anna"; Kelli and I are determined to find a recording somewhere, though I doubt it exists. (There are a few decent videos on youtube, I discovered, though you have to put up with screaming crowd noise.)

Anyway. Long story not at all short, I had some of the most fun I had in a long time last night. Thank you K, for sharing it with me, thank you to my mama for buying us tickets, and thank you Jason, Bushwalla, G. Love & Special Sauce, and the whole Gratitude Band for an incredible concert. I feel the love, and I am grateful.

Day 72: Hugs and Kicks

Today, I am grateful for:

• the amazing nurses at my grandmother's hospice center. She got moved there today, and the place is beautiful, and the staff are amazing. They take perfect care of my grandmother and have really made an effort to get to know the family. They chat with us but don't get in the way, and they make my grandmother as comfortable as she possibly can be.
  
• Peter being in such high spirits. He has surgery on Monday and has terminal cancer, but he has all of these crazy plans for "when [he] gets out of [there]." He wants to buy a 7-11 because he's craving a cherry coke slurpee. Knowing Peter, he might actually buy one.
  the possibility of seeing Ricky on Tuesday. For not liking my father all that much, I love his friends. Rick is one of his oldest friends and has always been a part of my life. He's practically family and has always been there for me and for my family.
  
• the lavender room. It's the guest room at my aunt and uncle's house, and it's beautiful and soothing with all of these old photos and great art. I am beyond grateful to be staying with family instead of a hotel.
  
• Dick's cheeseburgers and fries. I know I don't eat beef anymore, but I had to make an exception because they're so damn good. I have so many memories from college, from high school, from my childhood, that all involve Dick's.
  

And because I could use a little extra awesomeness in my life, and I happen to have it, I am also grateful for:

• having the most amazing friends in the world. I can't think you guys enough for all of the support and love and normalcy that you have given me. It really does make a difference. It's been great to have the support, but it's also nice to just chat like normal. It makes me feel like my world isn't ending; it's just changing a little.
  
• having an amazing family. Honestly, my mom's side of the family is freakishly close. They're some of my best friends, and sitting around chatting with my aunt while sitting by my grandmother's bed was incredibly calming. And then sitting around at their house last night, it felt so good to just be a family. We could chat and laugh and catch up. We didn't just band together because we're losing someone. We're there for each other no matter what.
  Love to everyone. You guys are the greatest. XoXo

Day 71: Father Dominic

Today, I am grateful for:

• a venti pumpkin spice latte and being able to drink said latte in the sunshine at a Starbucks on a Seattle street corner. That latte is going to be my morning ritual while I'm here.
• my aunt and uncle (the pair other than the pair that we're staying with) inviting my mom and I over for dinner tonight. It'll be good to spend the night with family.
• my friend, Peter, transferring to a hospital in Seattle. I found out this morning that he's going to pass away in the next day or two, and I couldn't be more grateful that I get to see him before that happens.
• Father Dominic. I know he'll make this day better.
• cute earrings. They help.

Day 70: Leaving On A Jet Plane...is stuck in my head.

I'm currently sitting in the middle of the Sacramento Airport food court. The sun is shining through a sky light, and I am that much closer to my grandmother. Last Rights are being performed tomorrow by our friend and priest, Father Dominic. He is the most amazing man I've ever met. He performed Last Rights for my grandfather, and he always says thank you, for anything an everything. He'll be a really nice influence to have. He's also agreed to handle the burial. One less thing we have to worry about.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Lance, the cute flight attendant who enjoyed flirting.
• Bailey's Irish Cream on the second leg of our flight. Please and thank you.
• Father Dominic. I truly can't explain how effortlessly comforting and amazing this man is. He's someone I consider a friend and who has been very good to my family. It only seems right that he be a part of this.
• getting to come back to Seattle for this. In would break my heart if I didn't get to see my grandmother before she died.
• the Guardian Angel that Erin's mom, Pam, got for me. It's in my purse keeping me safe on this journey.

Sidebar: It's probably become apparent through my recent posts that I've someone found a way back to Catholicism. It's not definite, since I'm still not a fan of the God construct. But I believe very strongly in the Saints and Guardian Angels. And I can't help but believe in whatever entity brought me back to Catholicism in time for my grandmother to pass away and to believe in the customs that go along with it. Like I said, God and I aren't all that grade. But the Saints are a brand of Guardian Angel that I very much believe in.

"My camel has stalled."

Wow, is it really Thursday night already? And I haven't posted since Monday? Where did this week go?

Time to catch up on some gratitude. I'm grateful for:

• my belated-birthday weekend coming up. Dinner on Saturday, Portland with KM and Mr. Mraz on Sunday, plus exploring the city and meeting up with Nick on Monday! Can't wait.
• new boots and new ballet flats from Payless - both on sale, thankyouverymuch.
• pumpkin spice lattes. And pumpkin ice cream. Not necessarily together, though I suppose that would be delicious too.
• escaping into a new book.
• the Wednesday night tv lineup - sytycd, glee, and antm. Love it.
• the host - whose name I forget - of that show Destination Truth on the SyFy channel (aka "the network I respect infinitely less because they feel the need to spell their name with extraneous y's.") He amuses me. (See the quote in the subject line of this post.)
• the possibility of going to Romeo et Juliette at PNB with Clare next weekend, provided I can tweak my work schedule. The ads on tv look absolutely beautiful; I want to see it sooooo bad. I haven't been to the professional ballet in years.
• my family deciding tonight that we're definitely going to see The Nutcracker this year because Grandma Grace has never been and really wants to go.
• some good cuddle time with my cat. It appears that she's finally forgiven me for bringing that horrible, obnoxious puppy into her home.

It's not a very "deep" list this time around, but hey. It doesn't hurt to be grateful for the simple things.

Day 69: Flight Back

So I'm headed out to Seattle on a flight with my mom tomorrow. We got a call from my uncle today that basically said that if we wanted to see her alive, we better get up there now. So we bought the quickest, best tickets we can find, and we're going to stay in West Seattle with my aunt and uncle.

On one hand, I'm really happy to be headed out there. On the other, I'm crazy emotional about losing my grandmother. It's not the trip to Seattle I'd been hoping for.

I'll be all tied up with family stuff, but I promise I'll see people if I can.

Today, I am grateful for:

• this chance to see my grandmother.
• my aunt and uncle letting us stay with them. It makes things so much less complicated.
• good vibes.
• Nitro Circus. Such craziness.
• the outerwear I splurged on a few days ago. Looks like it'll be getting used.

Day 68: Pumpkin Spice Lattes

This will be quick since I'm eager to slip into the world of BSG and escape the world. Today was a weird day of trying to decide if we need to head back to Seattle since my grandmother is slipping and my aunt's cancer is in serious need of a good ass kicking (which I'm sure my aunt will give it). But in the midst of it all, I had a really grounding experience. One of our neighbors across the lake just lost her father, and while I don't wish that on anyone, it was a good reminder that I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. So my heart goes out to Shirley, and I am grateful that we can, in some sense, get through this together.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting my hair done today. It's shallow and superficial, but sometimes those are a good start. And I adore my hair lady here.
• having such a close community here. Our inlet really does take care of each other.
• pumpkin spice lattes. I drank them every morning while my grandfather was dying, and ever since, they've been my ultimate comfort food. In a weird way, it's nice to be doing all of this while they are in season.
• a good night of television. It's nice to have an escape.
• being able to sleep in somewhat tomorrow. That will feel oh so good.

Day 67: Ups and Downs

So I got a call today that my grandmother is somewhat on the upswing. She's tackled one part of things, so if she can recover from the pneumonia and the fractured pelvis, she'll make it. Hopefully we'll know more tomorrow.

It's been a day of ups and downs. My mom and I went in to Little Rock to shop in order find me a black dress to wear the memorial service that we were told to expect. Then we came home to find that things were kind of on hold. She's doing better, but her better is still not so great.

Today, I am grateful:

• that my grandmother is pulling through. I always knew she was a fighter, but I was worried that the Alzheimer's had wiped that out. I'm so glad it didn't.
• for the earrings that I found to go with my LBD. They're pearl drop earrings that each have two miniature pearls, one hanging with a little heart and one hanging with a little cross. They're gorgeous, and they totally remind me of my grandmother.
• for the amazing support I've gotten. Thanks, everyone.
• for An Inquiry into the Existence of Guardian Angels. It's a book that used to be my grandfather's that I stumbled upon a while ago. I think it's time to read it, so that's what I'm planning to do.
• dinner at Pei Wei. It's one of my favorite restaurants in Little Rock, and there happens to be one near my favorite shop.

"i thank You God for most this amazing day."

Today, I found myself genuinely happy for no apparent reason. Maybe it was the fact that at last I'm feeling almost normal health-wise... maybe it was the absolutely beautiful weather (I know that had something to do with it).... I don't know really. I just felt happy.

How often do days like this come around? Not enough. It was wonderful - and I'm grateful for it.

I spent a good chunk of the afternoon simply staring out the window. Did anyone else notice how clear the sky was today, or how intensely green the leaves on the trees look when the sun hits them? Did anyone else soak up the sunlight or breathe some fresh air and feel better for it? Today reawakened me to these things that I so often take for granted and fail to notice. I know we're all busy, but if you haven't stopped to appreciate the beauty of the earth and everything it gives you lately, I highly recommend it. It's amazing how even five minutes of appreciation can change your entire outlook on the day.

As I sat in my big leather chair this afternoon, I kept thinking of the e. e. cummings poem "i thank You God for most this amazing day" (which is also one of my favorite Eric Whitacre choral arrangements.)

i thank You God for most this amazing day:

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky;

and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes.

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday;

this is the birth day of life and love and wings:

and of the gay great happening illimitably earth.)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any - lifted from the no of all nothing -

human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened.)

[Complete Poems, 1904 - 1962]

Hm. I also just remembered that today was International Day of Peace.

In that spirit, PEACE to you and the ones you love.

Day 66: Things Fall Apart

Today was a rather fantastic day. With the sun shining, my mom and I headed into Texas to run a few errands and to do a little shopping. It's a little early, but I went on an outerwear bender and ended up buying a long cardigan, and my mom sprung for a white peacoat for me because she decided I had to have it.

And then my day went in a completely different direction. While I was winding down from today's trip and showing my mom the first episode of Leverage, we got a call from my uncle. Apparently my grandmother isn't doing very well, and the next thirty-six to forty-eight hours are going to decide if she's going to live.

My grandmother is a big reason I am the person I am. She always taught me to have an opinion and to stick up for myself. My grandmother and my mom are the reason I'm so tough. She supported me in everything from dance recitals to basketball games to my best political moments. So it's a big deal for me to lose her. It's like losing a part of myself.

So now I'm looking for Catholic length black dresses because there's probably a memorial service in my very near future. Then it's time to get things set up for a cross-country road trip. If this is happening, I need to be there.

This isn't the way I planned to visit Seattle. I thought I'd come up for a few days to grab some drinks, have some coffee and see a show or two if a friend was performing. I won't have time for any of that. If I'm there, it's anything but a celebration.

So today has kind of been a whirlwind for me. It's got from high to low to wishing my head didn't hurt so bad from crying. But there's some good to hold on to, and I'm just trying to remember that.

It seems rather trivial right now, but I am grateful for:

• 90 degree weather.
• my new cardigan and new coat, especially now that I'll probably need them sooner rather than later.
• getting "I'm Yours" as my ringback tone.
• my mom telling me that Parker from Leverage reminds her of me, "except [I'm] less disturbed."
• having an amazing family. My mom's side of the family is incredibly close, and it's been an amazing experience to grow up in that atmosphere. We mean the world to each other.

Day 65: St. Jude

So I'm trying to convince my parents to (let me) adopt the neighborhood stray, Rufus. His owner apparently lived here about ten years ago, and when the owner moved, he left Rufus behind. He's lived outside ever since, getting food from some of the families that live along the inlet. But he's scared of storms, and we have crazy storms here. Plus, he's getting older, and he's going to need someone to take care of him.

We've already decided that we're giving him a flea bath and flea medication this month so that he can come in during the storms when he gets scared and sleep inside when it gets cold. (He barged straight past me and into the library during a storm a few months ago.) But I want him to be able to sleep inside where it's warm and dry and to have people who are his every day. All he really wants is a little food and people to scratch his ears.

I asked my mom if that could be my Christmas present, completely adopting Rufus. I've already convinced her to let him spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with us. A little more convincing to go...

Today, I am grateful for:

• Snickers ice cream bars. They're on their way to me right now.
• "Sex me!"
• football season. I love it. I really do. Maybe it was Kamiak. I don't really know. But something got football in my blood, and I love watching the games on television and in person. My mission is to go to a Razorbacks game this season.
• figuring out a little more of where I am with religion/faith/God. I've become really attached to Catholicism again, especially the saints.
• being able to quote television shows back and forth with Kelli.

Birthday!

When I started writing this post, I began by apologizing for not posting last week and talking about how I was so sick. But I decided to delete all that because, 1) you all know I've been sick and was disappointed to have to postpone my birthday dinner, and 2) I'm feeling much better today and I think it's more important to focus on this new day, a new round of health just around the corner, and this very special date.

Today is my 23rd birthday!!!

It's strange how 23 somehow sounds so much older than 22. But, like Sam told me this morning, "Every birthday from now on is going to make us feel old. And 30 very well might kick our asses." (So true.) I responded that we'll be 30 and fabulous... because otherwise, all those Sex & the City episodes we watched will have been in vain.

Anyway, I'm grateful that I've lived another year and experienced so much during that time - new friendships, old friendships getting better, being a part of some really outstanding theatre, making incredible music with Choir of the West (the Mendelssohn Ave Maria will forever be one of my favorite pieces), graduating from college (!!!), The San Francisco trip and The Rules...... those are just a few of the highlights.

It's been a strange year with lots of stress and sometimes more downs than ups - but I survived it, and I'm grateful for that.

So. There's my obligatory, sappy reflection on my 22nd year. Here are some of the other things I'm grateful for today:

• The gorgeous weather.
• Getting cast in the ensemble for Rent at TMP.
• Birthday messages from friends.
• My mom doing what she can to make sure I have a good birthday, even if I'm not going out on the town like I'd hoped. She's making lasagna for dinner (one of my all-time favorite foods) and picked up a tiramisu for dessert.
• Knowing that my birthday celebration with friends will be wonderful whenever it happens. Hopefully later this week?
• Kelli and I go to Portland for the Jason Mraz concert a week from today!
• The comforts of football on tv, a big blanket, and a good book.
• My dogs. Lexi has stayed by my side, keeping a watchful eye on me while I've been sick, and Gidget's been my couch companion.... which is great, except she freaks out whenever I sneeze. She doesn't get why I keep spontaneously exploding.
• TV on DVD. Such a life-saver on sick days. I made it through most of the first season of Friends.
• I made ginger dog treats and the house smells divine. (And I can actually smell today!) I was going to make spice cookies too (for people, not dogs) until I realized that we still have a bunch of chocolate peanut butter cookies from my last baking spree. Oh well.
• Aaaand this. Because yes, I'm easily amused: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U

Debauchery

Well, last night was interesting. I went to hang out at Anne's (which is also Zach, Mana, Kings, Bryan, Faith, Eric, Kyle, and Kristin's) and just by chance wore one of my favorite skirts. I get there, and I find out that it is a no pants party, so I am fitting right in with my skirt choice. To make a long story very short I got very drunk (probably at least a bottle of wine to myself with no food or water) and managed to hug everyone, and kiss several people, including Eric (who I had just met), Anne (who was drunk for the first time ever) and a guy named Alex, who is a nursing major (I know practically nothing else about him).

Overall it was a pretty fun night. I can't even remember the last time I was that drunk, and though I did some pretty silly stuff, it was a blast and I love Anne, Zach, Bryan, Mack, Kaitlyn and many other people who were there (except Kyle's awkward friends who wouldn't leave when it was obvious that the party was over.)

So, gratitude:

• Not having a hangover.
• Playing with Henna today.
• Pooka being all cuddly when I got home this morning after crashing on a giant beanbag.
• Feeling hot again. It has been a while since I've felt worthy of male attention and let me tell you, it feels good to have my sassy attitude back (not that a bottle of wine couldn't help anyone get sassy, but I felt that way before I even poured myself a glass, or shall I say a mug? We were classy.)
• Staying grateful, if not motivated. I've felt very restless lately, very existential and stir crazy, but through it all I've remained positive and grateful, which feels great.

Namaste

Day 64: First and Ten

Okay, so I fail at gratitude the past few days. Sure I've been listing it up, but it's been mostly preceded by moping or bitching. So I'm making it a goal to be more positive during the day and not just when I make my lists.

Today was the perfect day to restart full days of gratitude. It was a perfect day in very simple ways. Instead of leaving Sophie and I behind to head to Texas, they postponed and stuck around. So we turned on some college football and cheered for our teams while my mom and I made homemade tortilla soup, which is one of my favorite meals. Now I'm back from a walk with Sophie and watching my Razorbacks take on UGA.

I didn't get a lot done today, but it's what I needed emotionally. I didn't know it was what I needed until I got it though.

Today, I am grateful for:

• UW and Notre Dame winning their games!
• USC losing their game. (Is it bad karma to be grateful for a team losing? It's USC though...)
• getting to hear/see my mom call my father anti-Catholic for cheering against Notre Dame. Funniest moment of the day.
• making soup with my mom.
• waking up to find skateboarding on television.

Day 63: The Rumor

Today has been...interesting. I got a text this afternoon from someone asking if I was coming back to PLU because someone else asked them if I was coming back because they had seen something that implied that I was coming back. It was all rather complicated, and I went from super mad at the person at the base of the rumor to feeling sad that plans to move back to Washington have gotten seriously derailed to mildly upset to embarrassed to upset again to just wanting to forget about it all. It was a fairly innocent action that triggered a Hell of a lot of concrete and emotional problems. For the record, I have no plans to return to Seattle on a permanent basis. I promise to visit as much as possible though.

So I spent the day doing laundry, watching a few shows that Kelli has me addicted to,and playing with Sophie. It wasn't anything special, but they were good distractions. I'll get the important stuff done tomorrow.

Today, I am grateful for:

• croissant sandwiches. Today's turn of events left me without an appetite, and it was nice to have something on hand that was fairly guilt free.
• friends who ask me when they hear rumors concerning me. (Much appreciated.)
• having the house to myself tomorrow. My parents are headed to Texas, so Sophie and I will be free to do as we please. For me, that means figuring a bunch of school stuff while parked in front of the television that's hooked up to my XBox which is hooked into Netflix instant streaming.
• having a mom who is seriously willing to kick some ass on my behalf.
• feeling less homesick for Seattle lately. I still miss it and a lot of the people I had to leave behind, but I still talk to a fair amount of people, and I'm remembering the reasons I left.

Crack is Wack!

Alright ladies, I Lurrrrrve DVR. For reals. How did I survive without it? Whitney Houston on Oprah is probably the highlight of my week thus far, and I truly mean that. Unfortunately I did not see the first part/day of the interview because the station it was on decided that tennis was more important (FALSE) and so I missed it. Ugh. HOWEVER, the second day was a gem. Also: Anthony Bourdain is my hero. I want to be him when I grow up with a splash of Oprah and Halle Berry (the money and the body, no?). Sorry I've been MIA, but this year is going to be crazy epic in all kinds of ways. Survival shall be the name of the game this year, fo sho. On another note the day of my birth is coming up and I've decided a fatty cocktail party is in order. Mainly cause I have the cutest dress and wanted to wear it and secondly because I love when all my friends get together. It's the best. PLUS I've just made friends with this guy who used to be a bartender and so he has this sweet kit he takes everywhere---so I have a legit bartender coming to my bday party! Holla!

Let's focus on the positive, shall we?

• DVR.
  
• The roomies.
  
• Flat bread, pesto, tomato, and mozzarella. I really can't stop eating it. So delish.
  
• Inside the Actor's Studio. It's back and I love the questionaire at the end. It's classic.
  
• Whole Foods. Loves it.
  
• Making some hard decisions about my future and life. It's needed and I think I'm making the best decisions possible.
  
• Rachel Maddow. She combines witty and geeky-smart into a beautiful show on msnbc.
  
• Texting. I can still be in touch with people without having to give constant attention to a conversation as weird as that sounds.
  

Good night ladies and remember: Crack. Is. Wack!

Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy...

Yeah, that pretty much describes my last two days. It's hard to find things to be grateful for when your body has suddenly become a playground for germs. Although, feeling gross can make it much more obvious what little things to be grateful for that we don't usually give second thought to.

-Sam and I planning to con people. It makes everything a little more fun, even the plague.
-My shoonk blanket.
-Tissues.
-Being able to text Lauren during last night's shows, even if we decided pooling germs was a bad idea and I stayed at my house.
-My daddy making me peppermint tea with honey. If only I had remembered and gotten to drink it before I fell asleep and it got cold...

And now I'm going to bed. Here's hoping that tomorrow will bring me some health to be grateful for!

Day 62: The Stray

Today, I am grateful for:

• Rufus, the neighborhood stray, feeling like this is a place for him. We're trying to get him cleaned up so that he can come inside during winter storms and extreme cold.
• a good walk with my mom and the dogs.
• feeling in control today, even though I wasn't.
• amazing friends.
• greeting cards that make noise.

So busy.

Well, it's been a while, and I don't have much energy tonight. I was sick today, and missed all my classes, but I'm glad I honored my body and rested and I feel much better now. So now on to my gratitude:

• My AMAZING cast. They are incredible. Each and everyone one of them. It is such a fun and talented group.
• The fact that we learned five full dance routines in three rehearsals. One week down and we already have a huge chunk of the show learned.
• Honoring my body. I'm so glad I don't have class tomorrow and can rest some more.
• Having wonderful friends.
• Glee and SYTYCD. Even though SYTYCD kinda sucked tonight.
• Anne coming over to watch the shows and us bemoaning our single status.
• This moment. Now. :)

Namaste!

Day 61: A Life of Crime

Looking back on what I wrote yesterday, I'm more than a little embarrassed how emotional I was. I debated deleting the post, but I opted not to since, as embarrassed as I might be by it now, it was the truth then, and hiding the truth seems pointless now that it's been out there.

Today was better in a sense. I had my phone conference today, and it went my way, so I'm a little less stressed, but I'll probably still be freaked out until everything is set up for me to back to school on the terms I was assured I could go back.

It's an odd process, this whole going back to school thing. For one thing, it's gotten infinitely more complicated, and it's also managed to be a tad more expensive. I had fooled myself into thinking I would just slide right back into it, and (shocker) it's not that simple, on paper or emotionally.

But today was a really good step.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Jim being so amazing and helpful in the process of getting back to school. Seriously. He just made things a lot less stressful.
• tonight's television line up. Especially after today, I needed to just relax and watch some good tv.
• Leverage. It's a show I'm hooked on thanks to Kelli. It makes me want a Robin Hood gig something fierce. I would enjoy a life of crime...
• being Type A. It can stress me out, but it makes things so much less stressful in the long run.
• chapstick. When I get stressed, I mess with my mouth a bunch, pursing and unpursing my lips and other such habits. I had to carry a tube of chapstick everywhere I went today. I'm sure I looked a little OCD...

"My mama said I was not built to break."

Today, I'm grateful for:

• hanging out with Clare! Finally! It was fun to hear all the details of her NOMT; I can't wait to sneak into a rehearsal.
• the sunshine.
• Jamba Juice.
• Oprah's interview with the stunning Whitney Houston. She has one of the most amazing stories of survival I've ever heard. Her inner strength, along with her gratitude to God and to her loved ones, is inspiring (whether you believe in God or not.)
• friendship.
• Ben Moss - such an incredible young talent. If you haven't already seen it - or even if you have - go to youtube and look up his rendition of "Come Home" with fellow Spring Awakening cast member Gabby Garza. So beautiful.
• Jason Mraz's fan page on facebook, which alerted me that I could pre-order Jason's upcoming concert dvd. :)

Day 60: Antigone

I get so scared sometimes. I feel myself getting closer and closer to fine, and just when I think I'm on a good path, I backslide. Just when I think I'm getting better, I get worse again. It makes me feel so helpless. I want to be sane, and all I'm getting is chubby. Fan-fucking-tastic.

These are the days when I wonder why I don't just give in. Why not let the disease win? It would save a lot of pain, and I would get to be skinny again. That's when I remember that I need to control it. Because as much as I hate these days, 99% of the time I don't want to die. And I have to remember that that's where this could take me.

So I decided not to sneak the diet pills and to go on a major SlimFast shopping trip tomorrow. (I adore their vanilla shakes.) Even if I just eat/drink that, it's better than starving myself. And they're easy to count with.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• Kelli. She was a big help today. Thanks, love.
• Antigone being safe now. My mom looked outside today to see a pregnant Black Lab walking down the road. Some bastard dropped her off on our inlet, and the poor thing was walking around in the rain. I finally go her to come to me, and my mom and I took her to an animal shelter where she could give birth safely. I have no idea what her name is since she wasn't wearing a collar when we found her, so I called her Antigone.
• take out Chinese. My mom ordered it once we got back from the shelter. We were both exhausted.
• Warehouse 13 being on tonight. I need something to get lost in, and it's going to provide a nice escape.
• being two hours ahead of Seattle. That means that I can just go to bed tonight, and get up tomorrow morning to do research for my meeting. With the time difference, I'll have plenty of time before a "morning" meeting.

I want my own gay cheerleading squad.

Seriously. Like Rachel Zoe said on tonight's episode of The Rachel Zoe Project (... I watch way too much tv...) every girl feels her best when she's got a group of gay men making her laugh, cheering her on, and telling her how fabulous she is. I know plenty of wonderful gay men, all of whom I love dearly - now I just have to figure out how to convince them to be my personal entourage.

It's been kind of a shallow day. Apologies.

Anyway. Here are some of the things I'm grateful for today:

• Making today a good fashion day, for no reason. I didn't have anyone to impress. I just hung out at home and went to the mall. But there's something about looking fabulous that makes you feel fabulous, you know? And anything that makes me feel better about myself is good.
• Knowing that eventually, one day, I'll have an impressive answer to the questions "What are you doing these days? Any jobs?" (I really wish the majority of my conversations with people didn't start that way. Thus is the curse of being a recent college graduate.)
• My birthday is less than a week away! I think I know how I want to celebrate; now I just have to see if people aren't too busy to spend an evening with me.
• Operation ModCloth Pin Up.
• I get to hang out with Clare tomorrow!

Day 59

I'm having a really hard time being grateful right now. I'm a little overwhelmed with school stuff, and I had a rather unpleasant interaction with my father tonight, so I'm sort of really ready for this day to be over.

It's easy to focus on the stress and frustration right now, but I know there were things to be grateful for. It just takes a little more searching than usual.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Sandi Thom. I'm listening to her on my iPod right now, and her album Smile...It Confuses People is really easy to get lost in. It's nice.
• my mom, who has been suggesting foods for the past hour in an effort to find one that I'll actually eat. It's not working, but the effort is much appreciated.
• getting all of this school stuff started. It's incredibly stressful, but it's progress, and it's best to get this over with.
• break-and-bake cookie dough. I think it might be the only thing I've eaten today. It tastes so good, and it's kept my blood sugar up.
• tomorrow. I have every faith that it will be at least a little bit better.

Day 58: Distractions

I was in serious need of some distractions today since I was trying to get something in particular out of my head. Luckily, the world seemed to agree to my need, and distractions fell into place. I made a bunch of progress towards going back to school. I got a little wrapped up in Operation ModCloth Pin Up. I got to have a total fashion-gasm. And even though I haven't totally avoided the inner workings of my brain, I haven't thought a lot about them.

So today, I am grateful for:

• Operation ModCloth Pin Up. It gave me something to get lost in. And get a little lost in it I did. Seriously. It even has its own notebook now. I take world domination very seriously.
• Christian Siriano's collection for Fashion Week. The Fug Girls put up a link to it, but I ignored it because of the fugtastic catsuit that I had seen. But Lauren told me to take a look, and I'm glad I did. They shut it down. Completely. The styles are so classy and simple in such a complex way. And the reds and blues are just bananas. I would love to have so many pieces from that collection.
• having a fellow fashionista in Lauren. It's fun to have someone to nerd out about fashion with.
• the NCIS marathon that was on today (and is still on). It's let me always have something on in the background.
• Southern cornbread. It wasn't a distraction, but it tastes so good.

September 12th

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I keep forgetting until it's really late and I'm ready to collapse into bed. Anyway...

Today, I'm grateful for:

• this indian summer weather we've got going.
• Gidget learning how to jump up on the couch. She's decided she loooves hanging out on the couch with me during the day.
• our new ginger vanilla candles at BBW. I already have too many candles, but I really want to buy one anyway... they're that amazing.
• getting pulled into Operation Modcloth Pin-Up. Surprisingly, I'm only a tiny bit scared of Sam's world domination.
• finding a good hotel in Portland at a cheap price for Kelli and I. We're going to the Jason Mraz concert down there on the 27th (happy birthday from my parents!) and decided to stay over night so 1) we wouldn't have to drive back late at night, and 2) we can hang out in Portland the next day, do some shopping, and hopefully meet up with my friend Nick who's going to grad school there.
• the fact that I finally get to see Jason Mraz live!!!
• the new seasons of SYTYCD, Top Model, and of course, Glee! Wednesday night is now officially the best night of the week.
• Tyce Diorio's beautiful work on SYTYCD winning the Emmy for Best Choreography. All of the SYTYCD nominees were incredible - loved "Bleeding Love," absolutely adored "Mercy" - but I'm really glad they acknowledged the brilliant artistry of Tyce's Adam and Eve piece. I agree with what Mia Michaels had to say when it was first performed: it was an exquisite piece of moving, breathing human body art.
• my bed, my comforter, my four fantastic pillows... they're calling to me!

Good night, my loves!

Day 57: I swear when I miss free throws.

Somehow my plans for today went from staying home with a blanket (even though it was 80 degrees), a cup of coffee and a book to busting my ass at the gym, taking a relaxing bath, baking chocolate chip banana muffins and collapsing into what may or may not have been a nap. So obviously my day turned out a little differently than planned.

It was good though. As much as I bitch and moan about the gym, I always feel good knowing I've gotten a good work out. And in between the elliptical and the stationary bike, I definitely spent some time on the treadmill watching part of an episode of SATC, so I can't really complain.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting a good work out.
• the basketball court being empty, so I could shoot around a little. I haven't played in years, and it was fun to see what came back easily. (It was less fun to see what I was no longer able to do, but whatever.)
• chocolate chip banana muffins. They remind me of Erin and the apartment so much, and they're hella tasty.
• waking up to pouring rain this morning. I love that it can be like that in the morning, and it's still a beautiful day in the 80's.
• having a television in my room. Tonight might be a night to crash early. I have no idea why I'm so tired.

So much.

So, I've been MIA for a while. We had closing at the theatre and then we were driving across the country to get back to school, and then classes started and auditions and craziness! However, I've had SO much to be grateful for in the last week or so. First of all, auditions were incredible last night. We had some truly talented freshman, which is always awesome, and some amazing people returning, of course. I'm so excited for dance auditions in a couple hours. We have some great people to chose from and only had a couple truly horrifying auditions. I'm also so thankful for Adrienne and Becca, they are amazing. And for Angie and Anne who helped me by running the sign in table and helping the crazy number of freshman fill out their forms.

So, I'm going to keep this short and sweet, as I will probably be posting much gratefulness about NOMT as soon as I have a cast around 10:30pm tonight.

Other things I'm thankful for:

• being back in the land of amazing, prepared, raw foods. I know I've been eating way too many calories lately but I'm still losing weight because I'm eating raw! And I feel great!
• Liking all my classes so far. It might not be my favorite semester ever, but there aren't any classes that I'm really not looking forward too.
• Watching Passing Strange this morning. If you don't know already, Spike Lee directed a recording of the final performance of Passing Strange on Broadway and it is EXQUISITE! I watched it this morning when I found it on Comcast ON Demand and I laughed and cried and sang along, and it was one of the most amazing pieces of art I've ever seen.
• Rediscovering "We Just Had Sex" from Passing Strange to put it in the show!!!!
• NOMT Dance auditions in two hours. I'm so freaking psyched I can barely sit still :)

Namaste!

This evening brought to you by the letter B.

It's been a less than productive day. Every job I found during my search would require actual transportation rather than just busing. And seeing as I can't afford a car until I have a job...yeah. Not so great. But this evening was fun. So here's my list.

*Beer.
*BSG (Or rather, sharing the greatness.)
*Buffy (Sharing the greatness and just watching a few favored eps.)
*Baths. I may not have an epic jacuzzi tub, but beer and Buffy made it fun and relaxing.
*Bath bombs. Fun colored, nice smelling baths are even more fun.

And now I'm going to bed. Which is another B word. So goodnight,...bitches. (I had to.)

Day 56: Second Language

I'm in the middle of reteaching myself Spanish, mostly because I miss having a second language. I still know the basics, but it was fun being pseudo-fluent. Plus, my first college advisor screwed up my foreign language requirement, and no one bothered to fix it, so I may need to take another class when I go back to school.

It's been weird to sit down on my bed with a workbook and my college Spanish book. I haven't done the homework thing in a while, and I never did it unless I had to. Now I'm doing in voluntarily. Odd...

Today, I am grateful for:

• sleeping in without intending to and having it not be a problem. I woke up feeling so rested.
• getting the next disc of BSG from Netflix. (I watched it all today...)
• an early to bed night with ghost shows on in the background.
• the sunflower in my front garden that came from the packet of seeds they gave out at the Seeds of Compassion Conference that I went to with Erin and Travis. It's a good reminder, and it's impossible to be unhappy while looking at it.
• realizing I didn't lose as much of my Spanish as I thought I did.

Day 55: Breaking My "Five Rule"

Today, I am grateful for:

• awesome work out mixes on my iPod. I made a new one today, and it totally did the trick.
• never having to compete for a machine at my athletic club.
• having a sessions pass to the athletic club that means I don't have to pay for a full membership. It's useful. Even if having a real membership might push me to go more often...
• getting to do a little flirting today.
• Victoria's Secret sweat pants. I wore the ones I got with Lauren for (What was it?) Relaxation Techniques to the gym and ended up spending the rest of the day in them because they're so damn comfortable.
• VS Student Lounge. I really like the Razorback tee, and I'm trying to rationalize spending $32 dollars on a tee when there's other stuff that I want to buy that I would wear more often (like new jeans).
• someone (who can identify themself if they wish, but who I will not reveal) telling me in "a non-awkward way" via text that I have nice cleavage. Thanks much.
• Operation ModCloth Pin Up finally finding its angle. It's a go.
• getting a text from my cousin, Katie, today. She's the person on that side of the family that I'm closest with, so it was good to hear from her.
• vegetarian days. They feel oh-so-good, and dinner tonight was so tasty.

Day 54: Skeezy Ass Motherfuckers

My mother laughs when I swear. Occasionally she'll tell me to "watch my language" through the giggling, but for some reason, she finds it some sort of adorable. I know I should be used to it, but it shocks me every time. I'm waiting for the time I take it too far, but that day hasn't come yet.

So today my mom and I were running errands, and I had to go to pharmacy. She goes ahead and does her errands, and I stand there in line. For some reason, the guys right behind me didn't realize I could hear them and started talking about me. So I was a little skeezed out (The term "yummy" was used. No. Thanks.) and gave my mom a bad time about it when we met up again. You would think that, "You left me there with some skeezy ass motherfuckers" would have crossed the line as far as acceptable language, especially in public. But no. My mother laughed so hard and then jokingly promised to never leave me again.

I have the coolest mother ever. Seriously. Gotta love it.

Besides my kick ass mother, I am grateful for:

• the return of So You Think You Can Dance. The tap dancers were out of this world tonight.
• Adam Shankman. I say this every time he's on the SYTYCD panel, but that man is all kinds of fabulous.
• Glee. I think it might be impossible to be unhappy during that show. And that version of "Take a Bow" was actually pretty cool.
• Sophie having an "I want to be with Sam" day today. She followed me everywhere today, and apparently when I left to run errands she got all mopey. It was super cute, and it was nice to have a full-time buddy today. (She also totally took over my bed, by the way.)
• Top Chef. (Clearly tonight was a television night.) I love food shows as much as I love dance shows. I can't make a lot of the stuff the contestants put together, but I can usually at least make a variation, and it gives me a lot of good ideas.

It's been a long day.

It's been one of those days where finding anything to be grateful about has been tough. Long, dramatic story short, my day started with a minor annoying encounter with my father than ended up being a full scale fight lasting most of the day. So gratefulness was not exactly on my mind. So here's what I'm grateful for in what's been an overall unpleasant day.

-Writing. It's a lot easier to get my point across when I'm composing a logical argument and can't be interrupted. Also, the lack of direct confrontation leading to yelling is nice.
-Evenings spent talking with friends. Destiny invited a few of us over to see her and Tim's new place, and we just talked for three hours. It was lovely, and a much more pleasant end to the day than I was foreseeing.
-Ice cream. I'm going to have mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone. Yum.

With that very short list, here's to hoping tomorrow will be better! Although, with the start of both Glee and SYTYCD, I'm pretty sure it will be!!!

I'm a Gleek.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• rocking out to Glee cast recordings while doing my hair and makeup this morning.
• having friends who majored in English edit my cover letter for me.
• getting everything I need for my internship application ready today, even if I spent about three hours working on it... nitpicking... formatting... fiddling with word choices....
• Mary, one of my sales leads at work and pretty much my second mom. She has been one of my biggest supporters since I started working with her three years ago, always wanting to know about my shows, auditions, opportunities, etc. And today she's my saving grace. I started getting nervous about getting my letter of recommendation from Jeff in time to get my application in by Thursday, so I called Mary. She was more than happy to write me a letter on such short notice and promises to have it in my email by early tomorrow morning. Mary, I know you won't see this, but thankyouthankyouthankyou!
• The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo. Like Sam, I've become obsessed with the fashion and the bitchiness of Rachel and her crew - they're the snarky, fun kind of bitchy instead of the make-me-want-to-throw-things-at-my-tv bitchy. Like, I want to be best friends with Brad, and I want to go for drinks with Rachel. (And have both of them be my personal shoppers. Pleeeaaasssee?) I definitely had three episodes of the show on in the background while I worked on my internship stuff today.
  
• the lovely combo of numbing gas and the original Dirty Dancing soundtrack at the dentist. See, I do not like going to the dentist. (... I don't know anyone who does.) And my mouth is super sensitive, so they always give me the "laughing gas," even if I'm just there for a cleaning like I was today. Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that it's a very weird and entertaining feeling to be all relaxed and floaty from the gas while the '80s rock makes you wanna dance around the room with a hairbrush microphone.
• living in a household where a "lets see what we can throw together for dinner with stuff in the pantry" night results in spinach risotto and parmesan-crusted pork chops. We are such foodies.
• a good Riesling.
• the new season of SYTYCD and the premier of Glee tomorrow night!

Day 53: Ba-nanas

I'm a on a fashion binge today. I'm not totally sure why, but last night and today have been completely consumed by fashion. On television. On the internet. On me. It's not a terribly deep day, as you've probably guessed, but it's had its good points.

Today, I am grateful for:

• The Rachel Zoe Project. Not only do I kind of love the people (in that "They're just as bitchy as I am" sort of way), but the clothes are amazing. I die.
• dinner out with Don and Debbie tonight. They're taking us to Debbie's favorite restaurant. They're the sweetest people, and they're so nice to me. Plus, it's nice to see my parents being social again.
• J. Vincent peep-toe pumps in Grape Soda. They're my favorite shoes, and I've wanted an excuse to wear them.
• good hair days. I know, I know. But they're a nice self-esteem boost.
• my personal weather station that my mom gave me. It's nice to know how warm it is without having to go outside.

"Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world / She took the midnight train goin' anywhere."

Today, I'm grateful for:

• feeling like a rockstar on the sales floor at BBW.
• a very successful (and only slightly over budget) shopping trip for fall clothes, which resulted in 5 shirts (one short sleeved, four long sleeved), a beautiful cocoa-colored cowl neck sweater, and a brown leather clutch purse that was on clearance for - get this - $5.
• vanilla lattes.
• how excited Gidget gets on her walks. It's so cute. She especially loves romping through wet grass.
• the Glee Cast recordings of Gold Digger, Don't Stop Believin', and Rehab - all of which have pretty much been on repeat since I got home around 5:00.
• Being Human. Thankyouthankyouthankyou Kelli for introducing me to this show. It's SO. GOOD. And British. Which automatically makes it better.
• having "on demand" cable so I can watch Being Human without commercials.
• fall weather.
• having a pretty damn complete first draft of my interest letter for the 5th Ave internships. I just have the problem of it being just over one page, so I have to figure out where I can cut it down a little. I'll do that in the morning when I have a fresh look at it.
• getting Brian's letter of recommendation in my email yesterday. Just waiting for Jeff's.... (surprise? Um, no.)
• for all of your gratitude. I love seeing what you ladies are grateful for every day, even if I forget to post my own offerings. (I am going to be better about this practice! I promise you, and I promise me!)

Day 52: Today's post is brought to you by the letter Q and the number 12.

After a less than awesome day yesterday (that was a result of me missing my medication for a day), today was much better. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and more content, and it was nice knowing that, even though I needed to get some stuff done, I could take the day at my own pace.

So I plotted evilly with Kelli, and I cleaned out some boxes from storage. (We didn't unpack everything from our old house because my parents didn't know if they'd be staying here, and I haven't totally unpacked from my apartment because I have a lot of stuff and don't have a place for everything here.) Now I just need to make sure I write a few letters to go out in tomorrow's mail, and I can spend the rest of the day doing whatever I want. And I believe that "whatever I want" might involve a relaxing time with aromatherapy candles in my hugegantic (Kelli told me that was a word...) bath tub. Perfection.

Today, I am grateful for:

• today being so much better than yesterday.
• root beer floats on a hot day.
• finding my college Spanish books. They'll be a big help while I reteach myself the language.
• PhotoShop. I'm having some nerdy fun making new creations.
• aromatherapy candles.

Joss is Boss

It's been a fun couple of days. My parents are out of town for the long weekend, so I've had the house to myself. I went to a back to school party (kind of awkward) and Amanda and I have spent the better part of the last two days just hanging out, talking and watching tv. So there's been a lot to be grateful for.

-Buffy marathons. We're now several episodes into Season Two, and I'm enjoying watching them all in order again.
-Strongbow. I'd rather have Bulmers, but Strongbow is a close second for wonderful deliciousness.
-Shoonk blankets. Cuddling up on the couch on a stormy day is only made better with a shoonk.
-Knitting. I'm a fidgeter, so it's nice to have something to keep my hands busy that doesn't require lots of concentration.
-My new sweater. It's from the VS Soft collection, and soft really is a great word for it. Loooooove. Plus it was on sale.
-The "Golddigger" video from the Glee cast. I can't stop laughing when I watch it.


I'm starting to get sleepy, and I have to finish cleaning the house before my parents get back tomorrow afternoon, so I think I'm going to head to bed now. I may fall asleep to an episode of Battlestar...one more thing to be grateful for.

Day 51: Just a List

Today, I am grateful for:

• Chopper paying so much attention to Sophie.
• walking with my mom and the dogs.
• talking with my cousin again.
• getting pictures/texts from my brother while he's in DC.
• We Are Heroes. That is such a kick ass crew name, and I have a soft spot for amazing all girl crews.

Day 50: An Experience

I love entertaining so much. There's something about cooking for a group of people that's a weird combination of stressful, peaceful, exciting and calming. When I'm in the kitchen, the rest of the world doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is the food turning out right and working together.

Arguably more importantly, when I entertain, I eat. I really get into the food, more than I do when I cook for just the family, and I can't wait to dig in. Maybe it's because I tend to cook much more intricate meals when I entertain. I don't know what it is, but whenever I cook for people (immediate family excluded), I eat with people. It becomes an experience.

Food has to be an experience for me. It's the only way I'll go for it. (Cravings count as an experience.) So I need to start working on making it more of an experience.

Today, I am grateful for:

• left overs. It was nice to not have to cook today, but I still got to eat good food that was fairly healthy for me.
• Amy buying a ticket to come here! I am so excited! Seriously, planning has already begun.
• grabbing crack fries and watching soccer with my mom.
• my mother's enthusiasm for having more neighbors come over for dinner next week. She's been really supportive.
• having a day to recover from yesterday. It was fun but super tiring.

Off to Lone Star

I have to make this quick because my dad and I are leaving in a few minutes for a last day in the park. We are biking out to Lonestar Geyser and it should be a great way to spend my last day with my dad for quite some time. So here's a quick list.

• Being back in Tacoma in less than 36 hours!
• NOMT auditions being so soon. I'm so excited for the stuff in my brain to start making sense to people that aren't me.
• being mostly packed.
• Only having one more show at the pinecone!
• the AMAZING pinecone necklaces that Lisa got for all the girls of the first summer of the pinecone. Even though it was a stressful summer, it will always remind me of the first time I was PAID to do theatre. I can do this!
• The perfect day my mom and I had in the park yesterday (despite my odd, patchy sunburn)
• Realizing that I have to give up refined sugar, for good. I've been eating so well for the last ten days and then I went and ate junk the last two night and my body is really showing me just how much better I can feel if I commit to eating really well and 'pure'.
• Pooka, he is always adorable, and woke me up out of my horrible nightmare last night.

Brief and Pictoral

I'm heading to bed very soon, but I thought I'd share this amusing little picture I stumbled across on a friend's blog. I think I'm going to print a copy to hang above my desk.


I am highly amused by this, and am grateful that someone is out there who can come up with things like this that will never fail to make me laugh.

Day 49: Mad Men Yourself

I'm going to keep things short tonight because I happen to be exhausted (in a good way) after spending five hours making dinner, entertaining my super sweet neighbors and then having a good chat with the BFF.

Today, I am grateful for:
- madmenyourself.com. I'm a fan of the show Mad Men, half for its honesty and half for the kick ass fashion. So when I discovered madmenyourself.com (through Amy) that lets you turn yourself into a character, I had a good little time creating myself. It was an entertaining time.
- my dinner turning out the way I had planned. I got a little stressed (and ended up making roman gnocchi in the style of potato gnocchi because I like it that way better), but I managed to bang out a full dinner, so I'm happy. I really love spending time in the kitchen, so today was fun.
- the gorgeous flowers that Charlotte brought us from her garden as a guest gift. They're absolutely gorgeous, and most of them can be regrown.
-a good chat with the BFF. So excited for December.
- getting this text from Kelli: "Our kickassness will be known worldwide." Priceless.

September 4th

Today I'm grateful for:

• Irish Cream Coffeemate - it means I get my Irish coffee without the guilt of drinking before noon.
• the smell and sound of rain.
• eye candy.
• drinks at The Rock last night with Nick, one of my best friends.
• Jeff and Brian, who are writing me letters of recommendation for an internship at The 5th Avenue Theatre. I really can't thank them enough. (Please keep your fingers crossed for me!)
• My 23rd birthday being just 16 days away. I have to figure out how to celebrate!

Day 48: The Only Reason I Would Have Made A Good 50's Housewife

So I'm currently tearing through all of the recipes in my box, in my cook books and in that scary place better known as "my mind." We're having the neighbors over for dinner tomorrow night, and I'm excited for a Friday night dinner and a chance to show off my cooking, but part of me is a little freaked out. My inner monologue sounds something like this: "You want a multi-course shopping list with restrictions on spice levels for six people, and I have to shop at about noon tomorrow? And it needs to blow people away. This is not Top Chef!"

Then I remember that this only a big deal because I'm super Type A and feel the need to make a multi-course dinner. I'm sure Curtis and Charlotte would be fine with burgers on the barbecue. But instead, I feel like making a huge production. Because huge production are more fun and more impressive.

I need a cooking blow torch to help with dessert...

Today, I am grateful for:

• finding my silver clutch purse. I've been looking all over for it.
• hearing AAR's "Gives You Hell" on the radio today. It's the perfect song to bounce around to, and I always forget about AAR until I hear one of their songs. Quality. Quality.
• my awesome kitchen. It really makes cooking fun.
• making solid progress on cleaning up the guest room.
• the awesome back-to-back-ness in last night's television that let me watch SYTYCD, Glee and Top Chef in a row. It was a lazy night, but it was a good one.

Day 47: Guest Room

I've spent the day finally getting the guest room in order. Since it used to be my room, there was still a bunch of my stuff strewn about the floor and hanging in the closet. Today, it's going to become an actual guest room, not just "Sam's room of stuff she only occasionally uses."

All this is in preparation. Lauren's probably coming in October, and Amy's probably coming in December. It's got me all excited and motivated to make this place as awesome as possible. It'll be fun to show this place off and to see some amazing friends.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Amy and Lauren's respective visits. I know Arkansas isn't their dream destination, so it means a lot that they're willing/they want to come. We're going to have so much fun.
• waking up to the neighborhood dogs barking and playing in the ungated part of my backyard. Then they barked at the gate until I let them in to play with Sophie. It was adorable.
• finding my brother's Freshman Fiesta sweatshirt while I was moving things around. It was my favorite sweatshirt to borrow from him in high school. I used to love wearing it, and since Nate left it behind, I do believe I'll start wearing it again this winter.
• having all my stuff in my room. I don't know why kept putting it off, but it makes my room feel even more like my room. Next mission: make the guest room super cute.
• living in a part of the country where 70 degrees feels like a cool day. It's fun to be able to wear my favorite clothes for a few extra months.

60 Days

So, it has been quite a while since I've truly posted on here. I can't believe how crazy my summer has become. Working at the theatre has been both stressful and rewarding, but I'm very excited that I only have to be Ida Rhinegold two more times. (Hopefully the last two in my life). I've discovered that all theatre is not created equal. Though the melodrama is fun and most nights the audience truly seems to enjoy it, it doesn't fulfill me the same way musical theatre or some of the amazing work we have done at PLU does. This summer has truly made me appreciate the incredible caliber of work we do at school.

I am also very excited to be doing musical theatre this fall. And directing it. I am very proud of all the work I have put into NOMT so far, and though I have a long way to go I know that the hundreds of hours I've put in already will pay off. (Even if it is just that tiny bit less of stress that makes my semester somewhat manageable.

Yesterday I finished writing my 'script' for NOMT. I am so excited about this idea. I really think that both the actors and the audience are going to get so much out of the show, but it is going to be all that much more work. (I apologize if I am less than articulate, it is early and Pooka is attempting to sit in my lap while I type this). Reading Strike Up the Band has made me even more certain about how important musical theatre is. One quote in particular truly stuck with me and I am going to use it to help end my show:

"And in this modern world where emotions – particularly big emotions – are often considered inappropriate, inconvenient, even impolite, where the expression of full-bodied emotion has been “civilized” out of most of us, the extreme, unapologetic emotionalism of musical theatre offers audiences a much needed release." PERFECT!

I can't believe I leave Montana in just a few short days. I have so much to do before then. I feel awful because Anne has been asking if I want to hang out after the shows, and I do! It is just that I only have a few days left with my parents and they take precedent on my time right now. My parents support me financially and emotionally and I feel that it is only right to spend as much time with them when I am home as possible. I also hardly get to see them during the school year. There might be one day this fall when my dad gets to visit me because business is calling him to Snoqualamie Pass, and my mom will drive out with me and then visit again for NOMT, but when you are as close with your parents as I am, it just doesn't cut it sometimes.

So, though this week has been hard (we had to let go of little Stormy and now Velo is a bit lonely, and I've had some parent stress, despite our love for each other) I am very excited to finish up summer and get back to school.

I just know that NOMT is going to work out. There will be things that will need to be changed and unforeseen conflicts, but I know this is what I'm meant to be doing this fall. Hell, I have been training since I was 13 years old and was in my first MCT Performing Arts Camp show to do exactly this!!! So, here's to the end of summer and the beginning of my first real directing experience. I'm psyched! :)

And a list to finish it all off:

• Anne coming out here this summer. I don't know if I could have gotten through some of the drama at the theatre had it not been for her.
• Getting paid to do theatre. Enough said.
• My amazing amazing amazing parents.
• Having a clean car. My arms are still a little sore from buffing and waxing, but it was worth it.
• Great books. Alison Croggon, seriously read her. (well, her books) She is an Australian poet who has broken into YA Fantasy with a brilliance and maturity that is rarely found (except maybe with JK and Tamora)
• Having amazing blood sugars from eating raw. Though I took one day off this week I am now on day 8 (or 2 from my starting over) and have made a commitment to stay as raw as possible (hopefully over 90-95%) until NOMT is over. I know I will sleep better, feel better, and have a lot more time to do the things I need to do.
• Being back in Tacoma in a few days where I can get yummy gourmet raw foods and won't just be living on fruit and veggies.
• My new Saladacco, which I finally used yesterday. It is a vegetable spiralizer and turns zucchini or squash into NOODLES!!!!! Freaking awesome, mabye I'll post a picture of my awesome squash spaghetti sometime.
• Adrienne and Rebecca, again. They are brilliant and I feel so grateful to have them.
• This blog. Even when I don't write faithfully I read it every day and it is wonderful to know how we are focusing on being grateful. You women are beautiful. Inside and out.

"You need to be evacuated... FROM THOSE PANTS. And not in a sexy way."

Today I'm grateful for:

• sleeping until almost noon completely on accident. I did feel somewhat guilty and lazy when I got up, but I figure if I didn't wake up before then, my body must have needed it.
• the way the air outside hinted at the coming of autumn.
• freshly baked pumpkin bread.
• figuring out that I probably have the funds to visit Sam in The Ark after all. (I love Southwest's "Wanna Get Away" fares.) I just need to figure out a practical time to go.... I'd leave tomorrow if I could.
• Operation Calendar Girls (sorry, only Kelli will get that.) ;)
• finding information on several internships at The 5th Avenue Theatre in Seattle. I've asked Jeff and Brian for letters of recommendation, so while I wait to hear back from them I've got to get started on my letter of interest and filling out the application. Wish me luck!
• Sam and Kelli's Common House of Hottness
• The Fug Girls, for making me laugh so hard I almost cried. (See title of this post. And their post on "Local Newscaster Colleen Williams.")

"I'm on a Motherf**king boat!"

Ah SNL. Apparently I have been missing out on all the awesome SNL shorts & I blame my not having TV for a year. So yesterday my roomie exposed me to all the awesome shorts that they've done. Love. It. For reals. I love laughing, which I've established before now, so it was the perfect break in my day yesterday. Today all the grad students went out to dinner--the new & old ones and it was very interesting because it felt so odd being the old kid on the block. There are also a lot of changes this year which I'm trying to get used to, but it too is nice.

Anyways, please enjoy I'm On A Boat. Good times.

Day 46: Long distance is the wrong distance.

Just a list for me today, but I am grateful for the following:

• getting to talk to Manda this morning - It was so good to hear her voice and catch up. We'll do it again soon.
• the prospect of Lauren visiting the Ark - I can't wait to show her Hot Springs and a little bit of Memphis.
• Kelli's and my Common House of Hotness - (Lauren, you're getting roped in to this too. Be prepared.)
• finally making a decision
• the hilarious moment of ducks going crazy at about 2am last night