Letting Go

Well, the nicest thing about being in AR with the lovely, fabulous, and talented Samantha Caitlin Tolbert has been letting go and relaxing. B is teaching me that as well. It's nice to have a new friend in my life who says in the calmest way possible: "Don't worry." "Relax, it'll be OK." It's so comforting and wonderful. I love it. I love him. I love Sam. I need this right now more than I ever knew, and I'm extremely, wonderfully, blissfully grateful that it's happening right now.

On a more comical note, the Wal-Mart in AR was quite possibly the most wonderful and scary visit to a Wal-Mart in my life. The belt buckles were as big as my head, the hair was fairly big, the mullets were highlighted and the cashiers were pure rays-o-sunshine. It was most excellent. Oh and the lovely gentleman in line behind us totes hit on me. All in all, it was a successful trip. It was totally eye opening and wonderful to experience.

I'll be sad to leave the calm and quiet here and go back to the stress, but while I'm here I shall enjoy every stinking moment.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

Days 164-67: Love That's Never Lost

I haven't meant to be absent from gratitude for so long. I honestly hadn't realized it had been more than two days. My aunt, Eileen, passed away on Monday morning, and while I knew it was coming relatively soon, I didn't expect it to happen this soon. And now she's gone.

She was the first one to come see my in the hospital when I was born. She played ultimate frisbee and the mandolin, and she never criticized me for being who I was but always called me on my shit. She was perfect, despite her imperfections. She was the best aunt I could have ever asked for, and I can only hope to be a part of someone's life in the way that she was part of mine.

After a courageous two year battle with cancer, she is pain free now. So that's something worth being grateful. I'm happy for her, and heartbroken for myself. I loved her. And I still do.

So, as I'm behind on my gratitude (and quite frankly haven't been keeping up with it while I haven't been writing it down), I am finally ready to offer up my gratitude for:

• getting to spend time with my aunt and uncle while I was in Seattle in September saying goodbye to my grandmother.
• Kelli and Justin getting to (respectively) meet Eileen while she was alive.
• being able to go to Eileen's memorial service in Maryland, whenever it happens.
• having Amy here.
• having a Lost marathon to lose myself in.
• good music.
• new music.
• the blanket my uncle gave me for Christmas.
• sweatpants.
• it being okay that plans have drastically changed this week (and especially tonight).
• the great Christmas cards that are peppering my desk.
• Rufus and Sophie.
• The Princess and the Frog. Amy and I went to see it the day before yesterday, and it was absolutely amazing. It's probably my favorite Disney movie of all time. The music is fantastic.
• movie days.
• being closer to getting to Seattle.
• good books.
• the prospect of cupcakes tonight (if I get my act together and make them).
• all the love and support that my friends have given me over the past week.
• days where I can wear a jacket and scarf but still rock sunglasses.
• random fits of laughter.

It's New Year's Eve tonight, and I'm spending it in. It's been a long week, and I have a lot to process. Peace and light to everyone.

"All I know is you're so nice. You're the nicest thing I've seen."

The last few days, I have been grateful for:

• a quiet, relaxed Christmas with my family. We had a very low-key holiday this year.
• all of the lovely gifts I received. I may not have gotten much from my actual wishlist, but every single present was thoughtful. This year I received several things I never would have thought to put on my list but really enjoy.
• getting to wear jeans to work for the next few weeks because it's sale.
• Kate Nash's Made of Bricks. I've been listening to it non-stop the last couple of days. When I hear "Nicest Thing," I can't help but picture some seriously beautiful Travis Wall choreography. Travis, dude, get on it. Make my dreams come true. (Please?)
• the incredibly talented people I get to work with in Rent.
• spending the day today with my family and Grandma Grace. We saw the matinee of The Nutcracker at PNB - which was lovely, of course (but nothing will top R&J) - had dinner out, and then came home and watched the new Star Trek movie. (By the way, um, Chris Pine? YUM.)
• getting messages of love from Sam and Clare on Sunday when I was having one of the worst days in a while.
• the prospect of heading north sometime soon to visit Kim and check out the fancy new winery she's working at.
• feeling grateful.

It's the Little Things

There's been a lot to be grateful for over the last few weeks of the holidays, but to be honest, a lot of it has gotten lost and blurred in my memory. I try to remember those little moments that made me smile or gave me reason to thank God for amusing things, but it all gets blurred into a long string of "Did you find everything all right?" "Isn't that sale fantastic?" or "Who are you getting a gift for?" (Though I am grateful that I've been working almost every day for the last three weeks.)

It's so often the little moments that are the best, and I just stumbled upon a site that really embodies that idea. It's called It Made My Day-Little Moments of Win, and it's incredibly amusing so far. Some entries are more shallow than others, but I like the idea that it celebrates-that one little moment can make your entire day better. Go check it out at http://itmademyday.com

Love to you all! I'm off to take a virtual job tryout for Key Bank. Here's hoping it goes well and that they need another floating teller! (Cause as awesome as it's been to have 20-30 hours this last few weeks, 30-40 and a stable schedule would be even more welcome.)

Day 163: Lost

My brother left this morning. We got up early to take him to the airport for an 11am flight. I didn't expect to cry.

Today, I am grateful for:

• coming back to the house to have a Lost marathon with Amy.
• my Mickey Mouse fleece blanket that my uncle got me for Christmas.
• a good dinner.
• Netflix.
• plans to go out to breakfast tomorrow.

Day 162: Caught In A Bad Romance

So I thought I was going to have to postpone this offering of gratitude because I was having trouble breathing. Turns out my cough drops made my throat swell like a motherfucker.

Today, I am grateful for:

• being able to breathe again.
• the awesomeness that was seeing Sherlock Holmes tonight.
• getting out and around today.
• french toast bagels.
• Lady GaGa.

Day 161: Alice

So it's Christmas, in case you hadn't noticed. It's the day of family and food and exchanging gifts that you really hope the other person likes while simultaneously hoping that if they got you something bad, you can fake the hell out of a "this is soooo great!" It's a happy day, traditionally.

And today was mostly happy. I mean, it's Christmas, and I woke up next to one of my best friends (in a platonic sense) only to get out of bed and find that my brother had gotten me an electric guitar (which I later named Alice). There was amazing food and great family time, and I love watching people opening gifts. (And I got some pretty damn amazing stuff myself.)

But there were tears. It's the first Christmas without my grandmother and the last Christmas Eileen (my aunt) will be around, and it's the second Christmas in a row we couldn't be with our whole extended family. So I got a little choked up. Okay, truthfully, I got a lot chocked up.

But I got to be with my family and an amazing friend, and I am so grateful that I got to talk on the phone with everyone. So the good outweighs the bad, even if the bad is more pronounced.

But through the good and bad today, I am grateful for:

• Alice. She's absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to really, for lack of a less sexual term, fool around with her.
• texting at a quicker rate with The Boy today. it was a nice Christmas surprise.
• getting to share this day with my brother. I'm going to miss him when he leaves.
• the awesome gifts I got today. They're beautiful and thoughtful, and they mean a lot, especially this year.
• realizing a few things about myself and my life these past few days.

I hope everyone had an amazing day and that it was filled with love and happiness, no matter what or if you celebrate.

Day 160: The Meaning of Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, and honestly, it feels like Christmas should still be a week or two away. Without school as a marker, the holidays seem infinitely far away. And yet, tomorrow is Christmas Day.

I'm not really a religious person. I believe in God, but don't like Him. I'm Catholic but hate the current Pope. I worship the Saints more than the Trinity. I kind of think I'm the Catholic that Luther envisioned. Or I would be if I was a God fan. The point is, tomorrow has no great spiritual meaning to me.

But it's a day of family and friends. I think of Christmas like most people think of Valentine's Day. It's the time of year that you show people exactly how much you care. It's about good food and community and giving.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my brother and Amy being here for the holidays.
• the awesome book that Kelli gave me for Christmas.
• pumpkin chocolate marble cake for dessert after my mom's chicken and dumplings.
• Phil liking his gift.
• the sound of my whole family laughing together.

Arkansas, Rain, and B.

Not necessarily in that order, but that is most definitely what I'm grateful for as of late. Coming to see Sam in Arkansas has been amazing so far. We have done absolutely nothing of importance and it has been wonderful to come here and clear my head. This past semester has probably been one of the most stressful of my academic career ever and so I'm trying to process and put things where they belong in my brain. The most exciting development is a new friend I made who has kind of changed my life a little bit. I never thought that someone could do that in such a short period of time, but within less than a month we have become fast friends and I value him immensely. I'm not sure where we'll end up in the scheme of our lives, but B. is beyond amazing. (I'm not saying his whole name so I don't jinx the whole thing). Anyways, life is super good right now and I am endeavoring to live in the moment, to cherish my relationships now, to love what I'm learning in this moment. I'm trying real hard folks.

Well, I love you all ladies, am sending good vibes your way and am especially grateful for this blog and being able to pass along the good in my life.

PS: The RAIN here in AR is REAL RAIN. And I adore it. The end.

Rediscovering Gratitude

It's been quite a while since I've posted, and I think that's because I've been struggling to find gratitude lately. I sat down a couple of times in the past few days, intending to write, and came up with a surprising lack of words. The few things I did manage to come up with didn't seem worthwhile to post.... which I now realize is totally opposite of the entire point of this blog. Everything is worthwhile in it's own right and any and all gratitude should be acknowledged and shared. I'm making a mental note to remember that in the future.

Anyway. As you all know, I work in the wonderful world of retail. And seeing as we've reached the end of the countdown to Christmas, you can imagine how work has consumed my life for the last couple of weeks. I have to be honest and say that I've found it really difficult to feel gracious when pulling extra long shifts every day and dealing with grumpy customers, screaming children, broken cash registers, more grumpy customers, all the noise, and just the general chaos that is the mall two weeks before Christmas. With all the work I've been doing, I feel like I haven't had a chance to actually enjoy this holiday season and everything it brings - the family time, the magical settings, the spread of love, joy, giving, and gratitude. Instead I've just felt tired and over it all, dreading waking up in the morning because it means I have to do it all over again.

This is not how I want to experience Christmas.

When I settled into my couch this evening after another long work day, I suddenly felt lighter and brighter. Sure, I was still tired. But I reminded myself that tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I don't have to work, and the following day is Christmas! Why spend another night reflecting on all of the frustrations of today when I can embrace the two awesome days ahead? I'm letting go of all of my stress, anger, and exhaustion and starting totally fresh tomorrow morning.

Tonight I'm grateful to have finished my last shift of the holiday retail season and I'm even more grateful for having two days to relax, have some fun, and rediscover that awesome feeling of having an open, grateful heart.

Day 159: Neatly Strumming

Today, I am grateful for:

• my brother teaching me to play some Jack Johnson on my mom's guitar.
• an amazing lamb dinner.
• watching Lost with Amy.
• getting up early this morning but getting to go back to bed.
• finally getting to see Watchmen tonight (or tomorrow, if we're super lazy).

Day 158: Leveraging

So I decided to share my gratitude now since I'm feeling lazy today, and we're going out to Mexican for dinner, which means I will be having a margarita or dos. So in an effort not to forget, I am offering my gratitude for:

• having my brother and Amy here for the holidays. I love how my brother makes me laugh and listening to him play guitar, and it's so nice to be able to chat it up with Amy in person (and take many, many pictures).
• trading Leverage quotes with Kelli right now.
• waking up to my Christmas gift from Phil arriving. He got me this gorgeous calendar with paintings from my favorite artist. I find it really sweet that he remembered.
• margaritas tonight!
• the joy on my mom's face when she fires her Nerf dart gun.

Day 157: Guitars and Texts

Today, I am grateful for:

• gorgeous Christmas lights at the Gardens.
• fun pictures.
• finding five seasons of Lost on Netflix.
• sweet texts.
• listening to my brother play guitar today.

Day 156: Full House

Today, I am grateful for:

• Amy being here!
• pumpkin spice lattes.
• cute baristas.
• my brother arriving tonight!
• some possible serious sign-age coming my way around the holidays.

Day 155: Books and Ornaments

My mom and I did the last of our Christmas shopping today, so I spent a fair amount of time in the local bookstore and a little while looking at ornaments in Hallmark. I could do either of these things for hours. Bookstores are my complete happy place. I wish we had a Barnes & Noble around here so that I could sit in their comfy chairs browsing books and choosing which ones to buy. But Books-a-Million serves its purpose. There are shelves and shelves of books that I can get completely lost in, and I get a fair amount of a nerdy confidence boost by being more literarily knowledgeable than the staff. And Hallmark ornaments are just fun. It's impossible not to be in the Christmas spirit looking at the walls of angels, wreaths, cartoon characters and reindeer. It was a simple day, but it was a good day.

Today, I am grateful for:

• having an excuse to go back to the bookstore.
• finding great ornaments to fill stockings this year.
• getting to be a big part of holiday shopping this year.
• chai.
• good music.

Day 154: Passions

I apologize for the amount of abbreviated gratitude lately. The truth is, nothing much has been happening. Since the news that my aunt is moving into hospice and only has a limited time to live, I haven't felt like doing anything. I've slept most of my days away and spent the rest of my time reading or doting over the dogs. Occasionally, I focus my lack of focus onto a television show or movie. (The Tudors have been a big part of my nights lately.) But I really haven't done anything.

I feel like this needs to change. Yes, the news about my aunt was a big blow in a lot of ways, but I'm not the one losing my life or the one losing the person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. On the "Wow, this sucks for me" scale, I give it a 7.5. And there are people getting tens out there.

There's only a week until Christmas, and this is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. So I fully intend to make it that, as much as I possibly can. I think that's what Eileen would want.

So, now, for the first time in a while, I'm going to sincerely gratitude it up instead of just going through the motions. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it, and I think I've finally made it.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the gorgeous day we're having here in Hot Springs. It's only cold if you're out in the wind, and from my living room I can watch the sun light up each part of the lake before it goes down in an hour or so.
• remembering my passions and being a little more coherent about them. I got myself into a creative rut sometime in the middle of October and didn't even realize it. I had misplaced a lot of my passion into things that required a fraction of my passion and consumed all of it. Time to put the focus back on my art.
• Christmas time. For serious. When else can you see your neighborhood/town/city all lit up and have pumpkin spice lattes or hot chocolate every single day. I absolutely love giving gifts too. It's super fun getting them, but giving them is the best. It's a good excuse to show people you care. (I have a major soft spot for Christmas cards too.)
• feeling a lot more at ease about certain things. I've decided that my New Year's resolution is to worry less. I'm kind of a "worst case scenario" type person, which means I'm prepared for anything, which is great in school and work and a lot of times in life. But it also means that I get in the way of a lot of good things happening in my life because I'm so pre-prepared for if they don't. Well, I started my resolution a little early, and it feels awesome. All the girly stuff, at least for now, is not stressing me out. (Read: I'm no longer letting my sort-of-relationship stress me out because I'm worried I might fuck it up like I always do.) I've changed a lot in the past year, and I think I can handle the things that are coming at me. For now, I'm just content to have an amazing guy and amazing friends in my life.
• being only two days away from seeing my brother and Amy. It'll be so nice to have more than just me and my parents here for the holidays, and I miss my brother a lot. Plus, it'll be fun to show this place off to Amy. She's the first person to see it!

Day 153: Guest Room

Today, I am grateful for:

• Rufus getting to run all around but then coming home to us.
• finally getting the guest room totally set up today.
• caramel hot chocolate with whipped cream.
• a night of relaxation.
• feeling a lot more relaxed about certain situations lately.

Day 152: Class and Glitter

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting to sleep in once again.
• finally getting everything mailed out to people for Christmas.
• getting a Christmas gift from Lauren in the mail today. She sent me this gorgeous ginger vanilla candle (two of my favorite scents combined) and a wonderfully sparkly card.
• tonight's SYTYCD finale. It just made me...happy.
• having an excuse to go back to the bookstore tomorrow!

Day 151: Books!

Today, I am grateful for:

• spending so much time in a bookstore today. I spent way too much money, but it felt so good to just be in there walking around and finding things.
• getting a cool care package together for my cousin.
• the news that my aunt may have up to a couple of months left to live. Giant sigh of relief.
• the SYTYCD performance finale tonight. I wish it wasn't so rushed, but the performances were absolutely amazing.
• SJP. In general.

"And it's beginning to snow."

It's late, but I wanted to be sure to get some gratitude in before the day's end.

Today I'm grateful for:

• that first snow of the season - and the fact that it didn't stick around to cause trouble.
• the absolutely brilliant production of The Last Days of Judas Iscariot at PLU, which I had the pleasure of seeing this weekend. If you haven't read this play (or even if you have), you must find a copy of the script and read it; the playwright's examination of religion and humanity is fascinating.
• finally starting RENT rehearsals tonight. It was only a table-talk and read-through, but I'm already incredibly excited about this cast.
• finally getting back to the stage, where I belong.
• fireplaces and blankets... my best friends this time of year.
• molasses cookies.

Day 150: "Rule #59: Never fist bump someone you want to have sex with."

Today, I am grateful for:

• each day getting a little easier. The news of losing my aunt by the end of the holidays really hit me hard, and, quite frankly, it's still hitting. But each day I'm finding it a little easier to keep on keeping on.
• getting my hair done today. A little pampering never hurt anyone.
• Pirate's Booty. I trust this requires no explanation.
• good books.
• great friends.

Day 149: Just Be

Today was another day mostly spent in bed. This time it was partially due to not having any emotional patience with the world and partially due to staying up until 5am last night watching The Tudors on Netflix. I'm just still trying to wrap my head around the idea that it's entirely possible that I will never see my aunt again. So television is my friend. I don't have to think; I can just...be.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my super comfy bed.
• relaxing baths.
• Rufus being all adorable and not liking my being in the bath because he deemed it unsafe.
• picking out some of my own Christmas presents.
• only having a week until Nate and Amy get here.

Day 148: Dinner Date

Today, I am grateful for:

• having Don and Debbie, our neighbor's from across the lake, over for dinner. They're so sweet.
• a good, homecooked meal that I had never tried to make before.
• hearing that my aunt is in less pain than before.
• new jeans.
• discovering The Tudors. I only watched about five minutes before realizing it's not suitable for my parents, so I'm excited to watch it after they go to bed.

Day 147: A Day In Bed

I spent most of the day in bed today. After coming home last night to find out that my aunt probably won't live through the end of the year, I collapsed into my bed, wiping away the manic tears and trying to focus on anything but reality.

I woke up today after a restless night of sleep and had no urge to get out of bed. So I didn't. Until 2:30pm. And even then, I got up for only about a half an hour before returning to bed until about 4:45pm. I only got up because the neighbors invited us over for dinner and a movie.

I didn't want to go, but I'm glad that I did. Charlotte made a comforting dinner of homemade soup, sandwiches and salad and bought Julie & Julia because it looked good to her and because she thought I would like it (and I did). It took my mind off of my aunt for just a little bit and gave me what I needed today, a little bit of TLC.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• Curtis and Charlotte, who have become sort of like adoptive grandparents to me here.
• Charlotte's cooking. Seriously, I die.
• my bed. It's been my haven.
• everyone who has been so great about me not being great about returning texts in the past 24 hours.
• Julie & Julia. A cinematic gem it is not, but it's a feel good movie, and I really enjoyed it tonight.

Jason Mraz

I know how much you all love him, so I'm sure this'll make you smile. And after a hectic day, I'm totes grateful for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErMWX--UJZ4&feature=player_embedded

Day 146: Southern Hospitality

I didn't realize until this morning that the community Christmas potluck was tonight. So my gut reaction was a little bit of stress about what to make and how to make food, shop for little gifts for the party, ship gifts, make sure the dogs get love and not stress out. But in the end, I sent my dad out to get gifts and made a quick shrimp ceviche in puff pastry cups.

It ended up being a really fun night. Charlotte, Debbie and I crowded onto a couch at Miss Clare's and enjoyed some good food and chatted. It was just nice to sit around a fire, laughing and eating. Plus, I got a fleece blanket as my gift, so I'm gonna have a cozy night.

Today, I am grateful for:

• this community.
• good food.
• cooking something that I love completely without a recipe.
• my new blanket,
• feeling really pretty today.

Day 145: Hot Chocolate

Today, I am grateful:

• cozy sweatshirts.
• caramel hot chocolate.
• having a hair appointment on Monday.
• an end to the freak out.
• a good night of television.

"Poor, hungover Santa."

Today I'm grateful for:

• the smell of freshly baked ginger cookies filling my kitchen.
• having the day off work and therefore having time to run errands, play with the dogs, and bake.
• my cozy new VS PINK sweatshirt, which I snagged yesterday when my company gave us an extra 10% cross-brand discount. That means a total of 40% off my sweatshirt and some cute undies. Grateful indeed.
• my complimentary tickets to the PLU Christmas Concert in Benaroya Hall this past Monday, thanks to the PLU alumni association and all the... well, let's just say it... ass-kissing I did over many years. Just goes to show you that it never hurts to get on important people's good lists. In all seriousness, though - the concert was beautiful. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see it in Benaroya, by far the biggest and most prestigious venue the choir has ever performed in.
• seeing fellow COW alums at the concert. I forgot how much I missed certain people.
• getting through my callback last night pretty well. I know I wasn't at my best (the song they had us sing sat in a terrible part of my range), but I didn't totally bomb either.
• tonight's agenda: friends, family, food, SYTYCD, and Glee.
• my neighbor's Christmas decorations, which provided a good laugh today. I drove by to find that the Santa in their front yard had fallen out of his sleigh and was face down in the grass. Might wanna cut back on the eggnog, big guy.

Day 144: "Class and glitter / Gotta have class and glitter"

Today, I am grateful for:

• Amy letting me freak out today.
• an amazing episode of SYTYCD tonight.
• getting to spend the afternoon reading.
• enjoying cooking a healthy dinner tonight.
• epic five page texts.

Day 143: Geeky Kind of Happiness

Does anyone else get that geeky kind of happiness when they make a new friend? Because that's totally where I'm at right now. I had to go grab some more foundation and a gift for my mom at the Clinique counter today, and the girl who helped me was the first girl I have met here who is my age, a college grad and not a mother. It just made me hopeful that my next ten months here will be a little more exciting than the last year.

I haven't really made the effort to make friends here. So I haven't made friends here. It just comforting to know I still can.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the potential of a new friend here.
• fun new make up stuff.
• buying my own stocking stuffers while I was at the counter. Thanks to Santa for new eye liner and a new lip gloss.
• finding a good gift for my mom.
• a relaxing day today.

Day 142: Two Weeks 'Til Christmas Starts

Today, I am grateful for:

• the way homemade risotto makes me house smell.
• getting both Christmas trees and all the lights up today.
• the Sy Fy special Alice that's on tonight. I have a soft spot for good retelling of fairytale classics.
• having only 14 days until Amy comes.
• having only 14 days until my brother comes.

Day 141: No guts; no glory.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the most amazing response I could have asked for from him.
• a little less stress.
• basically only two weeks until Amy gets here.
• getting a few Christmas decorations up today.
• some great recipes for the holiday season. I can't wait to try them.

Day 140: "No flag; no country."

I've been dreaming a lot lately, ever since I got to Philly. At first I thought it was triggered by holiday sweets, but those are gone, and the dreams are not. But Kelli brought up that they might be caused by stress, and that actually sounds like it might be a big part of it.

I've shared that my aunt has, barring a miracle, lost her battle with cancer. On a less important note, I'm really stressed about not knowing when or how I'm getting to Seattle before the holidays. And while the thought of not getting to see friends is extremely displeasing, the idea of not seeing my aunt is heartbreaking. And the thought of not seeing Phil is stressing me out something fierce. My brain is going through all of the "what ifs" that are within any sort of realm of possibility. Will he wait for me if I don't make it soon? Will he find someone else? Will we ever get to actually talk through everything and get together if we don't get to talk in person? And so much more.

So, yeah, I've been a little stressed. Some of it's silly, and some of it's founded. But it's all there, so today has been about distractions.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Jimmy Fallon's "best of" disc from SNL. It's got some great stuff.
• Eddie Izzard. I watched Dressed to Kill today and momentarily forgot about anything.
• my nervous energy translating into getting a lot of cleaning done.
• White Collar tonight.
• Ghost Bros. Friday nights.

"If you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep."

I have a week's worth of gratitude to catch up on, so I better get started. I'm grateful for...

• having my aunt here for the Thanksgiving weekend. I've really missed her since her job as a navy nurse moved her away from Washington.
• getting to spend time with Kim on Wednesday for her birthday celebration and getting to see several other friends there as well.
• witnessing a historical moment at The 5th last night as they flipped the switch to light up the theatre's beautiful new vertical marquee. Modeled after the original 1926 marquee (but now made with greener materials and energy-efficient light-bulbs), the new marquee brings that old magical feeling of the stage back to 5th avenue. It's really beautiful.
• be able to attend the opening performance of White Christmas at The 5th last night. It's a really fantastic production that just makes you feel warm and happy - and they actually make it snow on stage and in the audience at the end of the show! It was... magical. Magical and beautiful - that's the best way to describe it.
• bringing my mom to see the show; with the performance and dinner beforehand, I haven't seen her that happy in a long time. And even though I haven't been working specifically on White Christmas, it was awesome to introduce her to a couple of people I work with and show her what I'm so proud to be a part of.
• hilarious text conversations and really sweet texts. I know I've mentioned my gratitude for those before, but it bears repeating.
• finally receiving an initial rehearsal schedule for Rent. Things get started a week from Monday! Yay!
• getting a callback for The Wedding Singer at TMP. It's on Tuesday, so please send me any good luck vibes you have to spare! Thanks!

Day 139: Confidence Boosts

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally having the dog attack/court fiasco over with. We went to trial this morning and won, and now it's all over with. Thank goodness.
• having my aunt's name for what will probably her last Christmas. My mom's side of the family draws names, and then everyone has one person to get an awesome gift for. I love my aunt, so I was excited to get her name no matter what, but now it's even more special. I found a fabulous gift while in Philadelphia, and I'm mailing it tomorrow. I'm really excited but so emotional.
• having the guts to ask a tougher question that I feel like I need to know the answer to.
• realizing that some of my clothes actually look better with the weight I've gained. I put on a sweater after court today that I used to wear to work. And I think it looks a lot better than it used to. My silver shift dress feels the same way. As much as I want to lose some weight/tone up, it's nice to know that I have outfits to pull out on those days that I need a little confidence boost.
• being checked out by someone I was checking out. That was a nice little confidence boost too.

Day 138: Good Vibes, Please.

I could use some seriously good vibes right now, and so could my family. I just got the news that my aunt has lost her battle with cancer and is basically faced with the decision of when to die. So any spare prayers of vibes you have would be much appreciated.

Eileen was the first person to visit me in the hospital when I was born, and she's been a huge part of my life ever since. I can't believe I'm facing the rest of my life without her.

So today I am grateful for the little things that made my day start out well. While I'm feeling an absence of gratitude currently, the things I was grateful for earlier include:

• getting most of my Christmas cards done today.
• waking up in my own bed.
• the way Doby and Daisy reacted to us being home.
• Christmas stamps.
• hugs.

Returning to Gratitide

I know I've been MIA for a while, but I'm trying to return to gratitude. I've had a very hard time focusing on the positive and maintaining an attitude of gratitude lately. Since NOMT ended I have fallen into some very self-defeating behaviors and my eating disorder has come back with a vengeance. I was worried that night happen post-NOMT with my typical post show depresaion being worse than normal and not getting in to Judas and not having anything to focus my energy on. And I was all too right. I fell in to the worst depression of my life and I've been letting my eating disorder run my life. But I had a wonderful text conversation with Sam today and I an ready to take the steps to start taking control of my life again. Starting here. With returning to gratitude and love which are the most important. Really they are just manifestations of each other.
So today I'm grateful for:
-so you think you can dance. Between the tour and this season finally kicking in it brings so much joy to my life.
-knowing I have amazing friends who are there for me.
-realizing that sometimes I need to let things go and just do what is best for me
-Sam understanding what I'm going through and always being there with a helpful text
-Pooka. He is and always will be a constant source of joy in my life. Even when he takes over the bed and wakes me up way too early.

I'm coming back to life. Getting my wings ready. And I'm going to start with gratitude for everything. This breath.

Namaste.

Days 136 & 137: Two for One

I apologize for my lack of an offering yesterday. I promise I was practicing gratitude, but after driving from Philly to Bristol, Virginia, I was exhausted and just collapsed on my bed when I reached the hotel.

But now I'm back in Hot Springs, and while I plan on going to bed rather soon, I felt the need to offer my gratitude.

The past two days I have been grateful for:

• unlimited texting.
• my ipod.
• Paula Cole and Paolo Nutini. They kept me good company on the road.
• navigation systems. This meant I could direct my parents based on the Tom Tom instead of MapQuest directions.
• my chest pains not being more severe.
• Kelli's and my awesome system of helping each other in life and love.
• arriving home to a package containing Phil's Christmas present (which I had to order) on the front step. I was worried it wouldn't get here in time.
• Rufus recognizing this as home.
• a good text conversation with Clare.
• being home and getting to sleep in my own bed tonight.

I'm not really sure what to say.

As Sam posted earlier, there was a quadruple murder at around 8:15 this morning. For some reason, this one has hit me hard. Whether it's because it was four police officers killed or because it was in a coffee shop I used to frequent, I'm not sure. I just know that I've fought some tears back today as well as shedding a few. I heard about it this morning at church when one of our pastors made an announcement that his son, a Pierce County Sheriff, had been called in to help the Lakewood Police Dept.

I think maybe that's what has hit me hard this time. Aside from the incredibly brutal, sick nature of the crime, I've hit the point in my life where I have friends who are cops. A girl I graduated with is married to her high school sweetheart, a member of the state patrol. A guy I had yearbook classes with. Three former track teammates are in the process of testing to get into the police academy. Another track teammate used to do volunteer work with the Tacoma PD and is still considering law enforcement. These are people I know and love, and it could have been them.

We really don't thank our cops enough. Like Sam said, we've both decided that from now on, that random coffee or muffin is now on our tabs. It's the least we can do. To quote from earlier today, "I just really feel the need to go hug a cop."

So tonight, I'm grateful for the incredible men and women who put their lives on the line on a regular basis. We don't usually hear much about them unless there's some sort of screw up, and I think we forget about all the good, regular, honest officers who work for us every day.

Despite the tragedy this morning, the day did have a few brighter spots. Here's a list of those things, all of which I'm extra grateful for today, however seemingly small they are.
-My new sweater. Warm, flattering, a really nice orange, and 40% off.
-Our Chrismas tree. It's big and fluffy, smells amazing, and is just tall enough to hit the ceiling. I can't wait to decorate.
-Ed Kofi being at church this morning to speak. If you've never heard me talk about Ed, ask me. He's an incredible Liberian man who has been literally hunted, had his hand almost cut off in an attack, and still has one of the strongest faiths I've ever encountered. I've known him most of my life, and his testimony is always a blessing. Plus, he has an incredibly infectious laugh.
-My mom. We had a really good talk yesterday, and the continuing dialogue is promising.

Day 135: "There are wolves in the world."

Today, four officers were shot to death in my college town of Parkland. They were sitting in a coffee shop together before their shift started, and a man came in, shot them and fled. I don't know any of these men, and yet, my heart is still hurting. Because just because I don't know them doesn't mean that they didn't mean the world to a lot of people. They were ambushed and murdered, and it shakes a part of my being to be reminded that there really are people that cruel and heartless in this world. To borrow a quote from Leverage, "there are wolves in the world."

I live about 3,000 miles away from Parkland, WA now. So while I wish I could go around thanking every Pierce County, Tacoma and Lakewood police officer, I am unable to. But what I can do is thank ever other cop that I come in contact with. They really are the people we thank the least.

I was texting with Kelli about the event today, and I decided that whenever I meet a cop in a coffee shop, his coffee and/or pastries are on me. It's really the least I could do. And Kelli is doing it too.

I would encourage everyone to thank police officers whenever they see them. At the very least, say hi. They don't really get the gratitude they deserve.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• the men and women who put their lives on the line so that I can live a normal, safe day to day life.
• anyone and everyone who has opted for a job or a volunteer position that puts their life on the line.
• Christmas Village in Philly. It's so damn cute and so cheery. And the world could use a little more cheer today.
• the amazing couple from Puerto Rico/New York that I met today who make so much amazing art.
• the safety of myself and my loved ones.

Pass the love along.

Day 134: It really is always sunny in Philadelphia.

Today, I am grateful for:

• spending the afternoon at the Philadelphia Art Museum. I think I could spend a couple days in there just looking around and staring. They had my favorite Monet, which I had never seen up close, and all of this amazing religious and church art. And the contemporary section sort of blew my mind a bit. I can't wait to go back next visit. (Also, the front steps to the museum are the ones Rocky runs up. Totally put my feet into his concrete foot prints...)
• heading out to Effie's tonight. It's this Greek restaurant that my brother wants to show us.
• pie. This needs no explanation.
• Miriam, one of the door workers at my brother's building. She is so sweet, and she loves my dogs and always fusses over them.
• being in a city that's so easy (and beautiful) to walk around in. We walked about three miles today, and I felt like I was just strolling up the street. Everything is so flat.

Day 133: One Year

I found myself getting a little emotional yesterday when I realized that it was exactly one year today that I told my mother about my eating disorder and decided that I wasn't going back to school. It was one year ago that I turned my life upside down to save my life.

And while along the way I probably would have told you, and anyone, that it was a big mistake, it was the best choice I ever made. I still have bad days, but so does everyone else. Now I'm healthier and happier and ready to restart my life.

I have great friends, a good plan for the future and some serious peace of mind. I feel normal again, and I haven't felt that way in a long time, probably since junior high.

So my gratitude for today is very simple; I am grateful for everyone and everything that has made my life worth fighting for during the past year. And I am grateful for everyone who stuck by me.

I am thankful.

I've probably started and restarted this post five or six times. (Make that seven.) It's Thanksgiving, the day when all Americans are encouraged to do what we're aspiring to do every day: reflect on gratitude and love. And for that reason it feels like I should compose some penultimate offering of gratitude today. But when you really think about it...... every day is Thanksgiving (minus the extreme excess of delicious food.) That's what this blog is all about, isn't it? Celebrating each and every day we're fortunate enough to wake up, breathe, give, receive, and be love. Like Sam, I hope that the spirit of this day can be carried on throughout the year. If each one of us gives thanks and encourages (challenges, even) others to do the same, I think we can achieve that.

Today I feel most grateful for the simplest, and therefore most important, things in my life. I'm grateful to have a family to spend this holiday with; I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I'm grateful for the abundant feast my mother made this afternoon, and I'm especially grateful to live a life in which I don't have to fear going hungry. I am grateful to be in a circle of incredible friends who love, laugh and support each other with every step we take, regardless of the distance between us. I am grateful to be surrounded by inspiration. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful to be employed. I am grateful for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. I am grateful for love, in all its forms.

Who and what are you grateful for today? How can you bring the spirit of Thanksgiving to your life and the lives of those around you every day?

Day 132: Living Love

It's Thanksgiving day, and I'm starting to feel like this is a day meant for us. It's the day we're supposed to reflect on all the things we're thankful for, and I'm hoping that every day can be a little more like today. Everyone is in such a good mood, and everyone we've walked past on dog walks has said hello and/or smiled. It's a day for happiness. Hopefully that mood can carry on.

Today, I am grateful for:

• amazing friends. I have so many great people in my life, and I have a solid group of best friends who make me laugh and smile but are willing to cry with me. Love you guys,
• being here in Philly with my brother. I'm so blessed to have the relationship that I do with him.
• my grandmother's death bringing an amazing guy back into my life. I know she's smiling about that somewhere up there.
• fantastic Thanksgiving food. It's my no-guilt day, and this family takes it very seriously. We have four pies. For four of us... I love this family.
• the gorgeous murals here in Philly. They're calming and inspirational and beautiful, and I wish there were more around Seattle.

Mostly, I am grateful for love. Being love. Living love. Recieving love.

Day 131: Phantastic

This week's offerings may be brief since I'm hanging in Philly with my brother.

However, there's always time for a little gratitude, and today, that gratitude is for:

• being here in Philly.
• having a fan moment with Kelli over a Twitter account.
• how cute the dogs are walking around the city.
• my brother's giant television.
• light rain. (I've been a total Seattle girl, judging all the wimps with their umbrellas.)

Day 130: Family Reunion

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally being in Philly.
• waking up to the sweetest text ever this morning.
• finding out yesterday that I am really good at climbing into back seats straight from the front seat. That oughta come in handy...
• my ipod.
• being with my brother again.

Day 129: "What does one do, my emotionally functional friend?"

I've been on the road all day today, heading from Hot Springs to Bristol, Virginia, which is the half way mark on the road to Philly. That means that tomorrow I will be in my brother's condo, chilling out and catching up.

And yet, today has been a very good day. The roads are gorgeous. The sky is clear. The stars are out. And I've had a bit of a personal revelation.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a moment of personal growth. Even if it does kind of freak me out.
• having a non-slutty life coach in Kelli. (Thanks!)
• good text conversations.
• a clear night of Virginia skies.
• getting to see my brother tomorrow.

Strict Joy

This weekend has been incredible. Somehow, I managed to plan four straight nights of spending time with friends doing things I love and seeing some amazing shows. Right now I'm feeling full. Full of love, gratitude, joy, and emotions I'm not sure how to name. Thursday Nellie and I went to a high school show to see one of the kids we got to know at TLT. It was pretty good, and taking him out afterwards for milkshakes was fun. Friday night was Blues Underground and getting to do some awesome dancing, and last night was getting to spend girl time with wonderful people and watch some awesome dancing. Tonight was the Swell Season concert.

The title of their latest album is "Strict Joy", and that's what tonight was. It was three and a half hours of gorgeous, passionate, moving music. There were moving stories and hilarious moments and an insane woman who decided it would be a good idea to sob so loudly Glen could hear her from the stage and then try telling her life story from the first mezzanine (only one row ahead and four seats down from me). Glen handled it well, letting her talk for a minute or two and then trying, through use of humor and calling on her husband, to get her quieted down. It was interesting to say the least, but once he started playing again, no one cared. There was also some kick ass guitar work, including a badass cover of a Van Morrison song in which Glen had to switch guitars no less than three times because he kept breaking strings.

So, tonight I'm sitting here, listening to the fantastic cd by the violinist for the band (Colm Mac Con Iomaire), filled with joy. It's been an amazing weekend of theatre, dance, music, and friends. Tomorrow is promising to be fun as well, thanks to plans with L. I'm grateful for all of it.

The Night of the (Almost) Naked Dancers

Today, I'm grateful for:

• an absolutely fantastic night out with the girls last night that included a delicious Indian meal and probably the most memorable SYTYCD tour performance ever. This was the last stop on the tour, so we were treated to a show filled with ridiculous costume and role reversals, dancers jumping in on each other's routines (Brandon taking Melissa's place in the pas de deux = priceless), and the guys deciding to wear as little clothing as possible. Amazing.
• the opportunity to watch the White Christmas run-through at The 5th on Thursday. Even though the actors weren't in costume and it took place in the rehearsal space, it was such a good show and I'm now totally in the holiday spirit. If you have a chance to see this show, you must. Take someone you love and be reminded of the cheesy, carefree fun of Christmas. Opening is December 3rd!
• the prospect of some vintage shopping with K tomorrow.
• this lazy, relaxed Sunday.

Day 128: Almost Back to Fifteen Feet

Tomorrow I hit the road for Philadelphia. I'm so excited to see my brother again and to see Philly all dressed up for the holidays.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting to spend Thanksgiving with my brother.
• having today to rest up after yesterday's amazingness.
• having someone who understands my nerd-dom for all things Countdown.
• the way Rufus greets me when I wake up.
• the Colts game today. Fabulous.

Day 127: Communities Are Responding Everywhere

I spent the day in Little Rock today, volunteering at the Free C.A.R.E. clinic that was put on at the Convention Center. I cannot even express how much this day has touched me, amazed me and inspired me. I met so many people, mostly patients, who had amazing life stories and such loving hearts. Two women in particular are people that I will no doubt remember for the rest of my life.

I'm having trouble putting the experience into words because I'm so tired right now, but it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Top Ten for sure. Probably Top Five. I am incredibly grateful that I was given the opportunity to give this opportunity to others.

Today, I am beyond grateful for:

• the National Association of Free Clinics. They put today's event on, and it was everything I could have hoped for. (For more information, visit www.freeclinics.us.)
• all of the amazing people I met today and their willingness to share their lives with me.
• my mother's willingness to join me today.
• Countdown and MSNBC's amazing effort and aid in spreading the word about these clinics.
• all of the other volunteers who came together today to create a community of help and hope in Little Rock today.

I have never been more proud to be an Arkansan.

Wade in the Water

Tonight, I am grateful that I got to blues. It's been far too long since I've made it up to Seattle for some good social dancing, and I think it was exactly what I needed to kick of what is going to be an epic weekend. My life has been so slow and dull lately that getting out and being social feels awesome! So here's my short list.

-Blues Underground. I had a few missteps but also some really good dances. I got told I was fun to dance with and asked twice by more than one guy. All in all, it was a good night, and I think I have three new blues dancing converts.
-SYTYCD! It's tomorrow night, and I'm super excited to get to spend the evening/night with awesome ladies watching awesome dancers!
-The Swell Season. My parents got me tickets as an early Cmas gift, so Sunday night I'm taking Amanda and we're going to see what promises to be a wonderful concert full of beautiful music and ridiculous stories told by Glen Hansard.
-NaNoWriMo. After NCIS ate my free time, I finally wrote today for the first time in over two weeks and it felt good. I'll see if I can keep up the insane pace and pull off the 50,000 in the next 10 days. I'm only...45,000 words away. Haha...*gulp*

It was a good night. And now I shall sleep, tired but happy after a night of good dancing.

Day 126: Besties

Today, I am grateful for:

• some really sexy music.
• besties.
• getting even closer to having plans to head for Seattle.
• being two days away from heading out for Philly.
• the Ghost Bros being on tonight.

Day 125: Tomorrow I Will Be Yours

Today, I am grateful for:

• new music that makes me smile. Phil and I did a music swap, and I got my CDs today from him. Not only were they two good discs, but there is one particular song that was a pretty sweet gesture. It's some good music to associate with such a great guy. And I'm keeping the note that came with it. It makes me smile too.
• a girl out that happened across continents. I love picking up my cell today to hear Manda screaming back at me from Sweden. It was a pretty perfect moment.
• having Up (on Ms. Nance's recommendation) and GI Joe out on rental for the night. I fully plan on not letting anything harsh my mellow and enjoying the rest of my night.
• getting closer to concrete plans to visit Seattle. I am beyond excited for a reunion with all of my people back home. It's going to be so much fun and so therapeutic.
• the sweetest Facebook post from Amy tonight. Very few things make me go "Aaaaw" out loud, and she did. (Loves!)

"Sing with me the sound of love."

Whoa. Wait. It's been a week since I last posted? Seriously? Where did that week go?

Oh right. BBW. Because I work retail and it's the holiday season. Needless to say, my life has been pretty consumed by work lately, so there's not much new to report. And in that case, I think I'll get straight to the gratitude:

Today, I'm grateful for:

• managing to stay somewhat sane during holiday craziness.
• yoga.
• the incredible opportunities coming my way from The 5th - I've been invited to watch the designer run-through of White Christmas tomorrow (so excited!), and next week the whole staff and the cast is having a tree-trimming party to get the lobby decked out for the season. It's going to be so much fun. I feel so grateful to the folks at The 5th for including me and welcoming me so warmly.
• the decision Clare and I have made to get our tattoos done together.
• unlimited texting.
• the SYTYCD tour this weekend!!! (And thank you to Anne and her folks for letting us crash at her house afterwards.)
• having a better idea of what to get people for Christmas this year and finding one very, very perfect gift.
• singing the sound of love.
• Aaaand this little gem, which you may have seen if you follow Jason Mraz's blog. Please enjoy this performance of "I'm Yours" on a Brazilian variety show, the highlight of which is definitely the background dancers. Oh yes, my friends... there are background dancers. And they make absolutely no sense. Wait, I take it back - the highlight is the "wtf?" face Jason makes through most of the performance. Just see for yourself.

Day 124: Just dance.

I have had the serious urge to do two things recently: dance and play football (separately). But lately, I've had to stick to dancing along to music in my room. Maybe I can convince Nate to throw the football around while I'm in Philly.

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally seeing Star Trek. Since I'm relaxing trying to get better by Saturday, I was in serious need of entertainment. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.
• things that make me laugh.
• good music.
• Glee. It makes me happy. Always.
• the holidays being not so far away.

Day 123: Relaxation

Today, I am grateful:

• Tuesday night television.
• a day of relaxation.
• old tee shirts.
• being this close to heading to Philly.
• photos.

Day 122: Sick Day

I am officially sick. Or I'm massively allergic to the craft store here in Hot Springs. Quite frankly, I'd rather be incredibly sick. But my mama is awesome, and she has dealt with my massive light-headedness and need to be seated at all times for fear of fainting by bringing me soup and renting The Ugly Truth.

I don't so much mind being sick. Besides being a massive pain in the ass, it's not exactly the worst situation to be in. But I'm volunteering on Saturday, and I need to be well in order to do that. By rule, I need to be healthy to do that. So I'm going to be lame for the next few days in hopes of being healthy and feeling energized on Saturday.

Today, I am grateful for

• soup and a movie from my mama.
• comfortable sweats.
• Countdown on MSNBC. I love.
• a good conversation with my mama while we were running errands. We've been having really honest discussions about my depression, and it's been really refreshing.
• Keith Olberman. In general. Genius.

Slow Day.

Things in my life have been...slow lately. Not much is going on. I work a few shifts here and there, help with ballroom twice a week, watch a lot of tv...In short, I'm kind of bored. So there's not much to post about. But today, I'm grateful for:

-Naps. I could not for the life of me fall asleep last night, and running on 2.5 hours of sleep sucks. Now I'm refreshed for our store meeting tonight.
-Toddler giggles. My mom and I had nursery duty at church today, and watching seven 2 year olds shriek "Bubbles! Bubbles!" and giggle non stop for 10 minutes could brighten just about anyone's day.
-Spritz cookies and toffee bars. Two baked goods my mom only ever makes around Christmas time, so when I see them on the counter, it makes me happy. Maybe I can persuade them to get a tree the day after Thanksgiving...
-Leverage. It's now my go-to feel good show. Always fun and funny, but able to bring some nice moments of dealing with the bigger issues that the flawed characters have.
-Unlimited texting. I would go crazy if I couldn't communicate with people all the time.

Now to go make sure my eyeliner didn't end up smudged on my temples thanks to my nap, sit through my incredibly thrillling store meeting, and then apply for a job at the bank where my friend works. I really need a job that's not retail.

Day 121: Early Christmas

For some odd reason, I was in total Christmas mode today. I went and got Christmas cards and found addresses (or asked for them) for everyone. I put a bunch of Christmas movies onto my Netflix instant queue, and then I looked around for a gift for my "person" on my mom's side of the family. (We draw names every year to see who gives to who.) Now I'm planning on relaxing with the dogs and planning out my project for tomorrow, which is also for Christmas.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Belgian chocolate cups. Little bits o' heaven. Seriously.
• Hot Springs being all Christmas-ed out. Thanks, HSNP, for catering to my mood today.
• the new immersion blender that my parents got me as a pre-Christmas present. I can't wait to use it.
• Rufus really becoming part of the family.
• Costco. For serious. There isn't one here on the Ark, so my parents went to the one in Memphis yesterday. So I have all of this amazing goodness around the house today to work with.

Day 120: Madly

Today, I am grateful for:

• a phone chat with Manda today!
• a day on my own.
• assurance.
• Doby's adorableness.
• some exciting things coming in the future. (Sweden in '11!)

Day 119: To Write Love On Her Arms

Today was national To Write Love On Her Arms Day, so the first thing I did after my shower was grab a bright blue highlighter and scrawl "Love" across my left wrist.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with in, TWLOHA is a non-profit that was set up to combat depression, cutting and suicide. It's a beautiful mission that I am so grateful someone took on. While explaining the organization to my mom, I visited their website and read her their vision. I found myself getting a little choked up just reading it. Hope is something that gets taken for granted a lot in life, and I find it incredibly inspiring that someone would make hope their life's mission, especially in the face of depression.

Hope is something that has come and gone for me. And it comes and goes for a lot of people. (Most people, I would think.) There are days when I don't want to keep living and days when I don't want to face the world, and there are days when I am completely hopeless. And when those days come around, it's hard to remember the days when I was excited for life or ecstatic about something. Hopelessness is an all-consuming feeling.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• TWLOHA. I encourage everyone to visit their website and become familiar with their cause. It's a spectacular one, and it's an inspiring one. And it opens up so many lines of communication. In explaining the organization to my mother, we ended up having a discussion about my depression that we hadn't had before.
• my mom's old guitar. I've claimed it as my own, and plan on spending the weeked teaching myself to play songs besides the ones I've written.
• hot chocolate. It was fairly cold today by my new Ark standards, so it was nice to curl up with a giant mug of hot chocolate to reheat myself.
• Ghost Bros tonight! I'm all excited because I think this is the episode where Zach totally freaks out. Mean, I know. But I fully admit to looking forward to it.
• a relaxing, artsy weekend ahead of me. I'm planning on spending the next two days writing, playing guitar and working with clay and stained glass.

"There's no place like hope."

Day 118: Mango Martinis

I've been randomly sick for the past few days with I don't really know what. But I've been light-headed a lot, so sleep has been my best buddy. As such, not much is really going on in my life. But today is/was my dad's birthday, so we went out to dinner at Olive Garden, and it was nice to spend a night being a family. I've made no secret of not having the best relationship with my father, but things have been good recently, and tonight felt like we were just a regular, functional family. So I am grateful for that.

Today, I am also grateful for:

• mango martinis.
• ending the night curled up under a fleece blanket while hanging out with the family and the dogs and watching MSNBC.
• silver ballet flats.
• sleeping for most of the day.
• feeling cute today.

Veteran's Day

First and foremost, I want to celebrate this Veteran's Day by offering my gratitude to anyone and everyone who has risked their life for this country, our freedom, and our safety. My grandfather is a veteran; my uncle served in the navy and my aunt is a navy nurse. Regardless of how I (or you, for that matter) feel about our country's current military situation, I think we can all respect and appreciate what our veterans have done. It saddens me that this holiday has become largely a day of celebrating no school and big retail sales when it should be all about offering gratitude and remembrance! Today I'm grateful for our veterans. How 'bout you?

I'm also grateful for:

• having a really great evening - first, the live video chat Jason Mraz did for his fans (which was too short, but still awesome), then SYTYCD, a new Glee, and ANTM. It wasn't a particularly eventful or unusual night, but it was a good one.
• having a better day at work today.
• iambeinglove.blogspot.com. It's the new blog of Tricia, resident "joyologist" for Jason Mraz and his band on tour. If you follow Jason on twitter, you know Tricia is the one doing the tweeting, posting quotes of the day, inspiration, etc.... so it's awesome to be able to read full-sized blogs filled with her own loving, gracious, joyful thoughts.
• getting back into some genuine literature. I've read a lot of fluff since graduation - not saying that's bad; it was a welcome change - but it's nice to delve back into one of my favorite writers, Paulo Coelho, with The Witch of Portobello and Brida. I love that his writing is fictional, but also metaphysical and philosophical.

Day 117: Pencil Full of Lead

Today, I am grateful for:

• people putting up with my massive trend of girliness lately. Much appreciated.
• fleece blankets.
• my mom's chicken and dumplings.
• my black pumps.
• the Cookie Sutra. (It's amusing...)

Relief

Ever since my big decision about what to do with the rest of my life after I graduate I just feel unadulterated relief. It's quite possibly the best feeling ever. I'm already making plans and setting things up for my move back and it's a wonderful feeling. To be cliche: there's NO place like home. For reals. It will be nice to do what I want and figure some things out for myself. Plus my family won't be four states away! It's a great feeling.

Today the Gratefulness Abounds:

• Catching up with some friends who were gone for a bit.
• Reconnecting with my old voice teacher---I'm hoping it'll be a good fit after I move back.
• Trading babysitting for lessons! Yes please.
• Staying true to myself. Lots of shady stuff is going down right now and I've decided to let that slide off my back and just be myself. That's all I can do.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day and I'm singing in a program at a senior living center. It's funny because sometimes I just lose sight of such important events and music brings these events to the forefront. Tomorrow I will be oh so grateful for all that the armed forces do for me especially in light of all that is going on in our world. One day peace will be the path chosen, I'm just sure of it. Good night all!

Day 116: "One has."

I am grateful for:

• having dogs that rush at me when I get home after being gone all day.
• today's shopping trip into Little Rock after I woke up way too early to spend the morning at my neighbor's arraignment because her dog attacked me and the neighborhood dogs.
• cute new earrings.
• being able to answer my neighbor's question of "Why hasn't some guy snatched you up yet?" with "One has."
• plans for the future.

Day 115: "You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak..."

I am grateful for:

• the above picture. There's something about it that I find calming.
• chatting with Clare last night. (Love you, babe!)
• catching up with my cousin, Pam, today.
• sparkling apple cider.
• gigantic coffee mugs.

Day 114: Cozy Sunday

Today feels cozy for some reason. It wasn't particularly cold or overcast or anything like that, but it just felt like Fall today. I took the dogs into town and then did some errands with my mom, but now I'm just curled up in my Harstad sweatshirt watching the Giants game before dinner.

I always forget how cozy I feel curled up in a hooded sweatshirt reading or watching television. It won't be consistently cold for a while, but nights get fairly cool, so maybe this can be a nightly ritual or something. I'll make some hot chocolate later after I've enjoyed some Mad Men.

Today, I am grateful for:

• comfy hooded sweatshirts.
• Rufus adapting so well and so quickly to being a house dog.
• Sunday football. Football is definitely my favorite sport to watch. (And probably my favorite to play.) I love.
• finally figuring out what I'm going to do with my grandfather's collection of stained glass.
• the prospect of a shopping splurge in the near future.

November 7th

I've got to admit, today was one of those "you've got to choose your attitude" days. And I chose bitchy.

I know, I know. Not in the spirit of positivity. In my defense, it was not unprovoked - work was super crazy busy and no matter what I did, the manager I worked with made me feel like I was never working hard enough. It was the first day in a while that I felt unappreciated at my job.

Anyway, my point is that I'm acknowledging my choice of attitude today and now making an effort to change my outlook for the rest of the night. I'm not going to let this whole day be a bust. (My rum and coke is helping here.)

It's been a less than stellar day, but not one without gratitude. Today I'm grateful for:

• coming downstairs this morning and discovering a hot breakfast of sausage, homemade hashbrowns, and some very strong coffee. Thank you, mama.
• several customers who thanked me for my help today. Working in retail has made me realize how rarely we thank those people who are responsible for every-day services. Thank everyone you encounter in your daily life for SOMETHING, regardless of whether the act was large or small. Ask that barista or that cashier how their day is going. Smile. It makes a difference. And it'll make you feel good too.
• music.
• Victoria's Secret sleep-shirts. So comfy.
• The Fug Girls. (Schadenfreude...)
• rum.

Day 113: Possibilities

I am grateful for:

• the amazing possibilities that I'm looking at as far as life after the Ark. It's incredibly calming and exciting to know that there is an after that will be just as great as the before. A permanent Seattle reunion is in the works, and I couldn't be more grateful!
• Wii chilling with the girls. Whether it's Friday nights of bro-in' it up, television quotes, inside jokes or just chatting, I love that I'll be coming back to amazing friendships and amazing people.
• raspberry filled donuts (complete with chocolate glaze). They're my favorites, and my mom brought me some when she got back from her errands today.
• wanting to smile so much lately. It's been the little things lately, and they've really been making my days.
• music that says what I've been trying to articulate. It's the closest thing to a spiritual experience when I find an artist who can express what I'm feeling better than I can.

Decisions, Decisions

This week has been undoubtedly the most crazy, shocking, life-altering week for me. For reals. Luckily I've been house/dog-sitting for a friend this week and it's been beyond amazing to just chill by myself with the cutest dog you've ever seen. It's peaceful and I've been able to let things roll around in my head for awhile. It's really funny cause we always think we know what we're going to do with our lives. OK, correction: I always think I know what I'm going to do with my life. And let me be very clear that this week totally effed that up. It's really a blessing though because I've realized it's time to just TAKE A BREAK. I've been in school my entire life and I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I need a little friends and fam time in my life. It's reeeeal difficult not having people in my everyday life that aren't my TRUE friends. And to be even more honest I need my friends that don't live and breathe music. I currently live with two other musicians and all of my friends here are musicians except for like two of them and it just. gets. old. I'm over it and I actually need some more time for my voice to develop so why not go home, hunker down and live a little?

I'm beyond excited especially since I'm thinking of living in Seattle which I've always wanted to do AND I'm thinking it's gonna happen with the bestie, Sam. So, let the adventure begin. The adventure where I let go of the reigns of my life and live a little (SCARY!). Bring It.

I'm Grateful Today For:

• Deciding and feeling at peace about it.
• Potential best friend roommate.
• Getting out of FoCo and letting these past two years sink in a little bit.
• Reconnecting with friends and spending time with my family in the near future.
• Being patient. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Although I kinda "Want it now!" like the Black Eyed Peas song goes...but I keep reminding myself: Be Patient!
• Potentially doing a summer program in AR! WOOT!
• Getting new glasses. I went to a frame place and found THE cutest frames and showed them my prescription and the lady was like alright we can get these done in an hour. Wha? Um. Is this like one hour photo? It was totes cray cray. But I get to pick them up tomorrow!
• Not having to rush to fill out forms and make recordings for auditions I'm not ready for. Sigh 'o' Relief.

Good night ladies! I'm off to hulu it up for a while.

Day 112: Home is where the heart is.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the prospect of moving back to Seattle next year!
• the prospect of living with Amy when I do!
• secret sauciness.
• the Ghost Bros.
• how gorgeous Hot Springs is.

LoveLoveLove

Day 111: The Generation Twenty-Somethnig

I feel a lot more at ease with my head space today. It's less jumbled and a lot more apt to take things on. I'm not sure why I didn't take a night like last night sooner after returning from Seattle. I think what it all came down to was that I hadn't taken the time to process everything that has happened. I was so focused on not breaking down, that I moved past things completely.

Last night was definitely only half serene. There were scented candles, good music and an excellent bath. But there were also video games and a chat with Amy. It ended up being a really good mix.

I've still got some processing to do, but I don't see that as a bad thing. It's weird to think how much has happened in the past few months. I hadn't realize how many things had been crammed into some a small time period.

I apologize to those who know me if I seem a little reclusive in the next day or so. In the truest sense, "it's not you; it's me."

Today, I am grateful for:

• Kerrigan & Lowdermilk. I've been playing their music all day.
• sunshine.
• the deck off my bedroom.
• Amy's visit over Christmas.
• comfy winter boots.

Day 110: Re-Zen

Despite having a perfectly wonderful day, I'm having a sort of off night emotionally. I'm not really depressed, I don't think. I'm just feeling much more reclusive than normal. Even after spending the day at Lake Ouchita Park with Rufus and looking at the lake and then cooking a really tasty and healthy dinner, all I want to do is sit in my room and let music wash over me.

I've been feeling the need to recenter myself lately. I've just been feeling a bit off every now and then. Not that I'm not perfectly happy for most of my days recently (despite a recent low caused by missing a day of medication). But for some reason, when I get time to think, something just doesn't feel right.

And I think tonight's mood is the perfect kick in the ass to do something about it. Since I have about four hours until my chat with Amy (Can't wait!), I think I'm just going to light some candles, draw a bath and get my mind right. Then I'm going to put on a playlist of good music and some meditation and see if I can work out these cranial kinks.

I don't think anything is wrong; I just want to make things a little more right.

I am grateful for:

• a gorgeous day walking Rufus on Lake Ouchita.
• an 80 degree day of sunshine in November.
• feeling really healthy after tonight's dinner.
• having tonight to reboot.
• how much he makes me smile.

Day 109: Fall Color

Today, I am grateful for:

• a gorgeous fall day. The leaves were falling like crazy.
• amazing music.
• time in the kitchen.
• our amazing neighbors. They heard about my grandmother's death and brought over flowers, muffins and fresh peppers. It was so sweet.
• a restful day.

Rough Day

Hey Ladies (and anyone else who stumbles on this lovely blog)...today has been, well, rough. Life has kind of gotten out of control to the point where I'm like wait, it's November? I've already promised myself that November is going to be the month of productiveness. I've decided to apply for Artist Diploma programs which is essentially a program to stay in school longer and prolong paying those pesky loans and also to bridge the gap between school and the professional world. Needless to say the application process for school doesn't get any easier and it's super competitive out there, so I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I have three schools I'm looking at and I hope it's enough. But today I found out I didn't get cast at all in a show that had the perfect role for me. I'm confused, upset, and tired. I'm tired of this, and unfortunately this is my life. My whole life is going to be one BIG AUDITION. I don't know that I'm prepared for that. How does one pick themselves up brush off the negativity and disappointment and continue on their way? It's just friggin' hard is all. So. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and I'm trying to find the positive in my life. Trying.

I'm grateful for:

• My mom. She always listens to me.
• My friends who have offered chocolate and ribs & ice cream for my pain. (Love it).
• For the new website that Sam introduced me to via Kelli. Thanks you two! Super cute website: www.offbeatbride.com
• Chick-fil-a. DELISH! A new one opened up here and it made national news cause the first 100 people got free chicken sandwiches for a year and they camped out during the snow storm. It snowed at least a foot/foot & a half of snow. They were COMMITTED.
• Going home for Thanksgiving. I'm holding onto that right now and am hoping that all of my productiveness will happen before the trek home.

Well ladies, thanks for this venue and for sharing yourselves with me. I read the page more than I contribute and it's fun to read what is going on in your lives. Sending love and good vibes to all of you!

"Anything you want can be yours at any time."

I'm grateful for:

• getting to relive the Gratitude Cafe Tour experience anytime I want thanks to Jason Mraz's new live cd/dvd, Beautiful Mess - Live on Earth. My copy came in the mail today (and I literally squealed, which triggered some strange looks from my family...), I watched it tonight, and I highly recommend it. So. Good. Beautiful music beautifully filmed. It just makes you feel good.
• accidently sleeping 'til noon.
• the sun illuminating the autumn leaves.
• feeling like a very accomplished chef when I tried a new recipe for dinner tonight and it turned out amazing.
• Sam, for sharing tattoo tips and being totally game for going with me to get my first tattoo whenever she comes back to Washington in the next month or two. Having her there will make the experience so much better, and will hopefully calm my fears. (Sam, I apologize in advance for the pain I will inevitably inflict squeezing your hand.)
• maybe going to bed before 1 am for once?...... We'll see.
• getting my wings ready.
• LOVE. In all forms.

Day 108: NaNoProcrastinating

Kelli and I are both participating in National Novel Writing Month this year. We decided to do it together to challenge ourselves, and yesterday was Day One. So today, I procrastinated like you wouldn't believe. I played with the dogs, went back to bed, watched some NCIS, got in a good work out, grabbed some sushi and listened to a bunch of music. I need to write about 1,500 more words tonight...

Today, I am grateful for:

- the NaNoBuddySystem that Kelli and I have going on.

-working at a slow pace but really liking the work that's coming out of it.

-Tristan Prettyman. I've been listening to "Madly" all day, and it makes me happy.

-having successfully smuggled new shoes into my closet last night.

-Amy referring to me as "Sad Panda." It totally made my night.

Day 107: Hooker Boots and Hopes

I actually managed to escape my house for a fair portion of the day today. (Victory is mine.) It was a gorgeous All Saint's Day, so my mom and I decided to take Sophie and walk around downtown Hot Springs. There's this gorgeous path that goes by the main park downtown and right behind Bath House Row.

It gave me a sort of reverse homesickness. It was such a gorgeous day, and downtown Hot Springs is truly beautiful in a Stars Hollow sort of way, so instead of wishing I was back in Seattle, I wished that all of my Seattle friends could come see Hot Springs. I wish that I didn't live so far away and that visits were more feasible because there really are things to show off down here.

Lauren, Kelli and I have been talking about how much we need another photo day, and as I was walking today, I kept seeing all of these places that would make amazing photos. But the chances of having a full-scale day like that here on the Ark are incredibly slim, and that makes me sad in a way.

I can't wait for Amy's visit in December. There are so many places that I want to take her and so many things I want to show her.

I'm hoping that more people can eventually make their way down here.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a gorgeous day in Hot Springs.
• being Rule 15ed by my mother and having it result in new black pumps and a bangin' new pair of hooker boots.
• getting out of the house.
• having (what I think is) a really cool idea for NaNoWriMo. It's ending up being really cathartic, and I'm oddly proud of it already.
• finding out that Justin kept all of the Philadelphia pictures that I sent him while I was visiting my brother.

"A lesson from the Bro-athon: Don't wear heavy makeup when using night vision. You look like the ghost of strippers past."

It's been a pretty uneventful week (hence the lack of posting); I spent most of it working, either up at The 5th offices or at BBW. Luckily things picked up this weekend with All Hallows Eve and NOMT.

Here are some things I'm grateful for today:

• Getting to intern for some really awesome people at The 5th. Everyone there is so incredible at what they do, so professional, and yet also so fun. We had "cookie time" instead of a usual coffee break this week; five of us walked over to Specialty's Bakery for warm cookies. Fantastic.
• The original 1992 Buffy The Vampire Slayer Movie. Kelli and I watched it the other night.... it's so bad that it's amazingly awesome.
• The Ghost Bro-athon with Kelli and Sam (long distance, sadly) on Friday night. Such a great way to lead up to Halloween.
• NOMT. Congrats again to Clare and the cast for putting together an excellent show.
• Halloween - it's usually not a holiday I really get into, but I had a lot of fun this year. Loveloveloved my hippie costume... the dress is so comfy; I just want to wear it all the time and dance everywhere I go. Plus it inspired Clare to pull me up onstage for Aquarius. :) Went to the APO Halloween party, which was surprisingly chill but fun. And I got to see a few friends I hadn't seen in a long time. All in all, it was a really good night.
• Seeing Gidget so ridiculously happy when I gave her a new plush squeeky toy.
• The extra hour of sleep daylight savings time gave me last night
• Starting this November with beautiful weather and a day off from work.

Day 106: Girly

I am a complete and total girl today. Embarrassing. But true.

I am grateful for:

• Rule 2.
• chatting with Erin via text.
• chatting with Justin via text.
• a wonderful website that is dealing with my girly indulgences.
• NaNoWriMo starting tomorrow. Time to put all this nonsense in my head onto a page.

Day 105: Bros for life!

I've been incredibly homesick for the past couple days. I'm not depressed or anything. It's not like that. But I've just been thinking about all the amazing moments and people I'm missing while I'm here. I've got this list swirling around my head of things I'm missing out on: seeing Clare's NOMT, watching the Ghost Bro-a-thon with Lauren, watching our mutual shows while actually in the same room with Kelli, getting to spend time with Phil, staying up late chatting with Erin, stargazing, girls' nights, Pike Place, hanging out at NPCC, etc. I miss the little things, the life things.

I'll get back for a visit as soon as I can, although the timing mostly depends on when my family needs me. I can't wait to see people and catch up, and I can't wait to have that part of my life back.

Seattle really is home. I'm perfectly happy here, but I know that going back is what I want and need to do. Now it's just a matter of when.

Today, I am grateful for:

• having so many amazing people in my life that are worth missing.
• tonight's pre-Halloween Ghost Bro-a-thon. I'm very excited in a very nerdy way.
• knowing that my grandmother would be very happy with present circumstances.
• dog play dates.
• looking behind me to see two napping dogs and at least four toys strewn around my room.

Day 104: Getting Out of the House

Sometimes it's the little things, and today that little thing was getting out of the house. All I did was go to the post office, the store and the vet, but I hadn't left the property since we took Rufus in, so even a little trip was perfection.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting out of the house.
• Rufus being a little bit healthier.
• honesty.
• a new disc of BSG to settle down to tonight.
• the possibility of getting out even more tomorrow.

Day 103: Gibbs & Co.

My life is consumed by dogs right now. From making sure Rufus is healthy and settling in to letting Sophie know that she's still my favorite.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting a nap in. I stayed up a lot of the night keeping an eye on Rufus since he seems quite intent on chewing his bandages off. I was beyond happy when both my parents woke up, and I could grab a few hours of solid sleep.
• Kelli and Amy both letting me be girly. I needed some chick advice, and they were there.
• Daisy and Doby coming to visit. It helped Rufus settle in a lot better to know that he could still see friends.
• NCIS on USA. It's nice to have something to watch while I'm hunkered down with the dogs.
• long, hot showers. They feel a-mazing.

Day 102: Making Me Smile

I am grateful for:

• SYTYCD. This top 20 is so buck. And tonight's routines were fabulous.
• Rufus and Sophie getting along.
• a hilarious and fabulous link from Sarah Lake on Facebook. It made me laugh so much that the link made her think of me.
• a 4am text that has had me smiling all day.
• having every reason to smile.

Day 101: High School Yearbook

So I ended up looking through my senior year high school yearbook today. I had to sit still while taking care of the dogs, so I grabbed it to keep my busy.

It's weird to look back at what people who I still know wrote (Justin, Kristina, Phil, Emily, Kristen, Erin, Manda), and it's even weirder to read the stuff that people I've lost touch with wrote. Looks like we really did "keep in touch."

Today, I am grateful for:

• chicken and stuffing on a rainy night.
• tonight's SYTYCD special. Wade Robson is a freaking genius. And I loved Mandy Moore's piece.
• cute hairstyles on bad hair days.
• Rufus being all stitched up and safe. He cut his pad open somehow, so I spent the day taking care of him.
• hearing from Mandy today.

"Gimme some peace, love and happiness."

Has it really been 100 days since A Daily Offering of Gratitude was born, Sam? Wow. That's really wonderful. Even though most of us don't post daily, I know we reflect on our gratitude and each other's gratitude every day, and like Sam said we've been able to stay connected through this blog. I'm proud to see that this practice, this new attitude and mindset, has lasted over three months. Here's to remembering, acknowledging, embracing, and sharing our gratitude as each new day dawns.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• this. And you.
• a fantastic night out with my dad last night. We hadn't gone out just the two of us in a really long time, so I asked him to be my date to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at The 5th. (Comp tickets! I love this job!) The show was soooo much better than I thought (I'm generally not a fan of anything Webber). It was just FUN. If you get a chance this week, go see this show - the entire cast, from the leads down to the children's ensemble, is outstanding and the brightly colored sets and lights are so well done. The whole production makes it absolutely impossible to leave without a smile on your face. (And if that's not enough incentive, Joseph is shirtless most of the show, and... oh. my. damn. Hello abs and pecs!)
• The Cheesecake Factory. We walked over there for chocolate cheesecake and drinks after the show, capping the night off perfectly.
• the gorgeous fall foliage covering Puyallup right now.
• G.Love and Special Sauce, the soundtrack for this evening and a much needed switch from listening to Candide so much while doing my research. (By the way, I find it funny and kind of perfect that I'm working on a show where the main theme and philosophy is "optimism.")

Day 100: Our Ladies of Gratitude

One hundred days of gratitude. That seems crazy, mostly because I feel like I restarted this practice about a month ago.

It's been an interesting hundred days. There have been amazing days, and there have been awful days. I've had days that I will never forget.

Today, I am grateful for:

• this. Daily Offering of Gratitude. It started as me just needing to be accountable for my gratitude, and it's turned into five friends sharing their lives and keeping in touch.
• Amy. We've been the best of friends since we lived next door to each other our first year at PLU. When she moved away for grad school, our friendship managed to get even stronger. We talk every day, even if it's something small. And one form of communication is never enough.
• Lauren. We also met our first year of college while living down the hall from each other in our dorm. I'm pretty sure our first act as friends was to throw a party in protest of dorm quiet hours (which I still have the flyer for) in our lounge. She's still my fellow fashionista, ghost nerd and dance snob, even two thousand miles apart.
• Kelli. We've known each other since the beginning of college, but we only became good friends in the last year, year and a half. But now she's someone that I talk to every day, nerding out about a television show or just sharing something random.
• Clare. I remember meeting her in my sophomore Imaginative Writing class, but I missed a fair amount of that class to take care of some pressing family stuff. By my junior year, we were living in the same apartment building and chatting about life and love on each others couches.

I am also grateful for:

• inside jokes.
• that we've stayed in touch despite being so far apart.
• all of the memories.
• the promise of more memories to come.
• these amazing women becoming a part of my life. I don't bond all that well with other women, and yet I have them, and I plan on them always being a part of my life.