Day 154: Passions

I apologize for the amount of abbreviated gratitude lately. The truth is, nothing much has been happening. Since the news that my aunt is moving into hospice and only has a limited time to live, I haven't felt like doing anything. I've slept most of my days away and spent the rest of my time reading or doting over the dogs. Occasionally, I focus my lack of focus onto a television show or movie. (The Tudors have been a big part of my nights lately.) But I really haven't done anything.

I feel like this needs to change. Yes, the news about my aunt was a big blow in a lot of ways, but I'm not the one losing my life or the one losing the person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. On the "Wow, this sucks for me" scale, I give it a 7.5. And there are people getting tens out there.

There's only a week until Christmas, and this is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. So I fully intend to make it that, as much as I possibly can. I think that's what Eileen would want.

So, now, for the first time in a while, I'm going to sincerely gratitude it up instead of just going through the motions. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it, and I think I've finally made it.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the gorgeous day we're having here in Hot Springs. It's only cold if you're out in the wind, and from my living room I can watch the sun light up each part of the lake before it goes down in an hour or so.
• remembering my passions and being a little more coherent about them. I got myself into a creative rut sometime in the middle of October and didn't even realize it. I had misplaced a lot of my passion into things that required a fraction of my passion and consumed all of it. Time to put the focus back on my art.
• Christmas time. For serious. When else can you see your neighborhood/town/city all lit up and have pumpkin spice lattes or hot chocolate every single day. I absolutely love giving gifts too. It's super fun getting them, but giving them is the best. It's a good excuse to show people you care. (I have a major soft spot for Christmas cards too.)
• feeling a lot more at ease about certain things. I've decided that my New Year's resolution is to worry less. I'm kind of a "worst case scenario" type person, which means I'm prepared for anything, which is great in school and work and a lot of times in life. But it also means that I get in the way of a lot of good things happening in my life because I'm so pre-prepared for if they don't. Well, I started my resolution a little early, and it feels awesome. All the girly stuff, at least for now, is not stressing me out. (Read: I'm no longer letting my sort-of-relationship stress me out because I'm worried I might fuck it up like I always do.) I've changed a lot in the past year, and I think I can handle the things that are coming at me. For now, I'm just content to have an amazing guy and amazing friends in my life.
• being only two days away from seeing my brother and Amy. It'll be so nice to have more than just me and my parents here for the holidays, and I miss my brother a lot. Plus, it'll be fun to show this place off to Amy. She's the first person to see it!