Days 284 & 285: "Depression is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long."

Today, I am grateful for:
* the original Alice in Wonderland Disney movie on DVD.
* texting.
* Jamie Cullum. A-mazing music.
* the prospect of the world's best fort.
* the next trip.
* how beautiful the gardens were this afternoon.
* being back in my own amazing shower.
* having a renewed plan to eat healthy and exercise regularly.
* mental health week.
* superpowers.

Days 278-283: Weekend Getaway

I got back last night from my weekend in Seattle with P, and I have mixed emotions. On the one hand, I'm still flying high from the most amazing weekend that was more perfect than I could have imagined, and on the other hand, I'm so sad to that I had to return to Hot Springs and give up waking up next to him for a while. I've been...mopey...today.

But the weekend was beyond amazing. There was cuddling and breakfast in bed, late night talks and touches I'll never forget, relaxing about and some great eating out. I knew this would be a weekend where I never stopped smiling, but I think it's the most content I've ever been.

I am grateful for:
* P, obviously. I'm so lucky to have found the man I want to be with.
* getting to see the Jeramiah Center. It's a wonderful place filled with the nicest people you'll ever meet.
* orca noises. I cannot explain this in a way that will do it justice, so I won't even try.
* breakfast in bed.
* amazing dinners out.
* Italian champagne.
* falling asleep with my head on his chest.
* hugs.
* kisses.
* slow dancing in bare feet.
* surprises.
* pug noises.
* his smile and his laugh.
* how he makes me smile.
* knowing.
* how honestly we can talk.

Day 277: One Day

I leave tomorrow for a weekend getaway with P, so I might be absent for a few days. Actually, I will be absent for a few days. We don't get to see very much of each other, what with the long distance thing and all, so I'm not bothering to bring a laptop with me since I know where my focus will be.

I'm beyond excited for this weekend. It's three days of nothing but the two of us, save some time with his family and some time at the youth center. It's a chance to make up for lost time.

On the other hand, part of me kind of feels like a jerk. After all, I'm going to be in town for three days and not making an effort to see the friends that I miss like crazy. I've been extremely self conscious about not turning into one of those girls who all of a sudden has no time for anyone/anything except her boyfriend. So the next trip will be full of friends. Promise. There just wasn't enough time this time.

Today, I am grateful for:
* this trip.
* the gorgeous dresses I get to bring with me.
* how excited P's family is to see me. It's really sweet.
* fitting all of my things into one giant suitcase instead of two mostly-giant suitcases.
* morning walks.

Day 275 & 276: Two Days Away

Today, I am grateful for:
* bed.
* texting.
* comfy sweat pants.
* Aveeno moisturizer.
* being so close to seeing him.
* Kathy, P's mom.
* the perfect burger.
* the fluffiness of Rufus after his bath.
* my mother's cooking.
* how cuddly Sophie has been lately.

Day 274: Four Days

Today, I am grateful for:
* getting to talk to my old roomie today. I miss sitting on our couches and chatting before we went to bed.
* adorable texts.
* the adorableness of my dogs.
* Simply Apple. Sooooo good.
* being only four days away from him.

Day 273: Five Days Away

Today, I am grateful for:
* my glasses.
* dinner in with the neighbors.
* Bones.
* being only fi ve days away from him.
* ideas.

Day 272: Love being loved.

We periodically let Rufus off his leash to run freely in the neighborhood. There are no leash laws in our neighborhood, and he used to be a stray (so he's used to running around on his own), so it's not a big deal for us to just let Rufus off his leash and say, "have fun." He always comes back eventually.

Well, today he run around for three or so hours. It's not that we were worried about him, but my mom and I were headed into Little Rock, and we wanted to make sure he was home before we left (even though my dad was going to be home). So I went outside and called to him for a bit.

Rufus came running. He came bounding up the road with a giant smile on his face and came right for me to be fussed over. In that moment, I felt super cheesy. Because in that moment, I could tell exactly how much Rufus loved me.

Granted, Rufus is a dog. But still. How much both of my dogs love me has always been heart warming. There's something about seeing a face light up at the sight of me. It's an amazing feeling.

And it makes me think of other people who's faces light up and who makes my face light up.

Today, I am grateful for:
* being loved.
* finding the perfect dress.
* Chad, my William-Sonoma guy.
* good Thai food.
* cute earrings.

Day 271: Swings

Today, I am grateful for:
* Netflix.
* the perfect arrangement of pillows.
* being only a week away from him.
* the joys of shopping.
* swings.

Day 270: "You can't take the sky from me."

I had a minor freak out today. See, P wants to take me out for a nice night on the town, and I freaked out because I have nothing to wear. (Shallow, I know.) But the real freak out was because I have stuff to wear, it just doesn't fit. I bought all of my really nice dresses when I was skinny and, well, not eating. So I freaked out. Because I have hundreds of dollars of dresses that I can't wear anymore because of the weight gain.

The cool part about this freak out though was that I wasn't upset about the weight gain. I didn't feel the need to crash diet, and I haven't spent the day bitching that I'm fat. I just recognize that those clothes are from my super skinny days and wish I could still bust them out at a moment's notice.

So my mom and I are going shopping tomorrow. I confided in her, and we decided that I needed cute dresses that fit the Current Me. And the dresses that will never fit me again, I'm thinking of donating them so that girls can get some good use out of them since I can't anymore. Especially since formal season/wedding season is coming up.

All in all, it's been a really good day (post-freak out). Once I calmed down enough, I realized some absolute awesomeness about where I'm at mentally and where I'm headed physically.

It'll be nice to get the reminders of my old self out of my closet and to move in some dresses that show off the Me that I am now. I'm ready to have some fun nights out with P, but mostly, I'm ready to be happy with myself. For the first time since I can remember.

Today, I am grateful for:
* this new place I'm at mentally.
* being only eight days away from P.
* phone dates.
* honest fashion advice from L.
* encouragement from Amy and my mom.

"Sometimes I forget my middle name."

I'm grateful for:

• the return of Glee!!!!
• Jonathan Groff being on Glee!!!! And being reunited with Lea!
• the sunshine we had over the weekend.
• cute spring clothes and the compliments I receive while wearing them.
• dancing.
• fashion magazines.
• having Kim over for a little fondue party on Sunday. I missed my roomie.
• music that helps lift me out of a bad mood.
• the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for Drama going to Next to Normal! Hell yeah!
• Travis Wall. Love. His piece on DWTS tonight was so beautiful and fresh - a great combination of classical ballet, contemporary, and hip hop. (If you didn't see it, fear not - all of the dancers were REAL dancers, not "stars." They were guests on the results show.)
• hard cider.
• the fact that the kid playing Mr. Darcy the high school production of P&P (which I'm assistant-directing) drives a light blue moped. I'm not really sure why, but that amuses me.

Day 269: Gleeking Out

Today, I am grateful for:
* a new spin on an old recipe.
* sunshine.
* the return of Glee tonight.
* late night phone dates.
* feeling really close to healthy.

Day 268: Ten Days

Today, I am grateful for:
* sunshine.
* ON sweatpants.
* a mother-enabled shopping spree, even if it was "mini."
* getting my hair done this morning.
* being only ten days away.

Days 264-267: Nyquil

Apologies for my absence. I've been battling the cold from the Dark Side and have been spending most of my time in bed in a Nyquil daze. My focus is trying to get healthy as quickl y as possible so that I can get ready for my weekend getaway with P. (We have three full days together coming up.)

I am grateful for:
* Firefly. I've been watching it the past two nights, and it never fails to keep me laughing.
* my bed.
* Chinese food. I can actually taste it, which is a big deal right now.
* my dogs, both of whom have stayed with me, guarding me, as I get better.
* Em. I missed her.
* texting. It makes me happy.
* Netflix. It's been my savior.
* cute clothes.
* an understanding boyfriend.
* Bones. Another entertaining show.
* Nyquil.
* having a television in my room.

Day 263: Wish Flower

I am grateful for the little girl at a rest stop who gave me a "wish flower" today as a thank you for letting her pet Sophie. She was about eight, and the flower was one of those that you can blow on and the pieces go everywhere in the wind.

After another fight with my dad, that's the moment that I'm trying to focus on. In my search for gratitude and happiness today, she has been what has stuck in my head.

I'll never see her again, but I thank her.












I'm keeping my wish a secret.

Day 262: Ghetto Superstar

Today, I am grateful:
* my time in Philly.
* the amazing staff in my brother's building. They're half the fun of the visit.
* orange and cream soda after a long day.
* my mom.
* my comfy hotel bed here in Bristol. I am totally ready to fall asleep.

I realize that I kind of glazed over the whole situation with my father yesterday. The truth is, I've been wanting to cut him out of my life for years, but my mom and I are so close that I can't see a way to do that. She still very much loves him, which is something that I don't agree with but have chosen to respect. So I see both of them or neither of them.

In the future, I may start spending more time with P's family, who I really enjoy and love. I suppose that's a perk of a serious relationship: a second family. We're not exactly at the "splitting holidays" phase, and I would never stay with someone just for their family, but I'm very much in love with P and can see that happening. I suppose that's a partial solution...?

April 5th

Dear blogosphere: Hi. How's it going? I do still exist. And I haven't forgotten about you. You know, just in case you were worried. Are we cool? Good. Thanks.

Anyhoo...

There hasn't been a lot to report as of late - it's been a lot of the same for me: rehearsals & more rehearsals, performances, work. Nothing terribly exciting. But overall, life has been good, and I'm grateful for that.

On to my list. I'm grateful for:

• 2 weekends of Pinafore performances down. Other than a mediocre review in the TNT, the show has been well received, and I'm grateful for that. Pinafore is fluffy and melodramatic but it certainly isn't easy, particularly musically - we've had to work extremely hard on this show. (Two of the other leads and I are singing roles that are out of our usual ranges, for goodness sake!) The thing is, I worry that people focus on the fluff and don't appreciate all that goes into it. As Katie and I discussed backstage the other night, this isn't a show you can just "phone in" if you're not feeling it one day. There's no half-assing Gilbert & Sullivan. So I thank those who have come to the show and laughed, applauded, smiled, and enjoyed. You show us that it's all worth it.
• contemporary musical theatre. I've been listening to a lot of it lately to balance out all the G&S. I never cease to be entranced and inspired by writers like Kerrigan & Lowdermilk, Pasek & Paul, Duncan Shiek, and others. Case in point:
• unlimited text messaging. Especially helpful when freaking out about a REALLY awkward situation involving a castmate trying to set me up with her 20 year old son and referring to me as his bride-to-be. (Update: she's apologized for the whole thing and there have been no further messages from "boyscout," as Sam calls him. Thank god.)
• making plans to hang out with Kim next week after my show. It's long overdue.
• karaoke. I've always avoided it in the past, but it's become a regular past time for the over-21 folks in Pinafore. Singing Lady Marmalade with Katie and Adam - during which Adam sang Christina's part in his diva falsetto - was truly epic.
• working on Pride & Prejudice at my old high school. I'm the assistant-director/acting coach. We've only had our first read-through so far, but I think we have a strong cast and I'm looking forward to getting rehearsals underway.
• the new leather recliners my parents bought. Soooo comfy. I fear they will be the end of all productivity in my house.

Day 261: Butler Love

So, today was a little tough. I'm thinking more and more about cutting my dad out of my life yet how impossible that would be since I'm so close with my mom. Maybe. Eventually. Hopefully.

But today, I am grateful for:
* March Madness.
* Butler.
* Brandi.
* sunshine.
* Jay's.

Day 260: Happy Easter, ya'll.

Today, I am grateful for:
* sleeping in.
* my mom's tradition of getting my brother and me books for Easter.
* Easter dinner at my mom's cousin's house in Audobon, PA.
* meeting family I hadn't met before.
* being less than 20 days away from my getaway.

Day 258 & 259: Peanut Butter/Chocolate Fudge

I am grateful for:
* being in Philly for Easter weekend.
* a brother/sister night out last night.
* being able to hold my liquor.
* a pair of my brother's basketball shorts when my pajamas ripped this evening.
* fudge.
* having an excuse to play in Tiffany's & Co.
* sunglasses.
* lunch out.
* a healthy dinner.
* Washington Apples.

Day 257: 6 Months

I'm in Bristol, Virginia tonight, on my way to Philly, which makes me incredibly happy since Philly means time with my brother. But today is also special since it's the six month anniversary of P's and my first date. We had an anniversary phone date, and he got me this amAzing jewelry (with the sweetest card).

Today is also terrible day because I found out that an old friend from home committed suicide because of drug problems. He was a good friend growing up and always stood up for me. I haven't seen him for a very long time, but the guy I remember was a good guy. I'm not sure why he chose the path he did or what that path even was exactly. But I'll miss the guy he used to be and the man he could have been.

Today, I am grateful for:
*life.
*happiness.
*the amazing support system I have.
*P and this past six months.
*my brother.

My Brain is mush.

It hurts to think. I have crammed so much information into my head in the last three days, and I'm not anywhere close to being done. I still have two days this week plus two more full weeks of training before I'm officially released into the world of the Key Bank Float Tellers. I cannot think. So I feel the need for a very short list.

-Having a job. The feeling of knowing that I'm getting a paycheck is lovely.
-Getting to dress up. Since I'm doing a lot of sitting this week, I've been rocking the skirts and 3.5" heels.
-TV nights at L's. I've missed them.
-Coffee and super friendly awesome barista who has provided it for me this week.
-Spring Awakening. After a long hiatus, I've been listening to it a lot this week.

Now bed. Tired. Brain hurty. Have to get up at 7.