Day 45: A Real Life Plan

It's been twenty days since I gave up red meat. Almost three weeks. And true, there have been cravings. (I would have killed for a bacon cheeseburger yesterday. Killed.) But I think it's working out rather well.

Not only has it forced me to eat healthier, but I'm also a little less cautious about how much I eat. I know that sounds like a bad thing, but after years of not letting myself eat more than 900 calories, that's a good thing. Trust me. I need to make a lot more progress, but this is a really good step in the right direction.

I still have a lot of issues to work out with my depression and my anorexia. I think the past few days have demonstrated that fairly well. But I had to start a real life plan somewhere, and this is a start. This is something I can do know matter where I am. I don't need my doctors or a therapist to help me through this. Eating like this is something I can do for me.

I think I'm going to spend another year here in Hot Springs before moving on. (Since it's me, nothing is set in stone, but I'll be here for a while to say the least.) During this next year or ten months, I need to work on real life solutions that don't include needing my own Walden or periodic nervous breakdowns. The first isn't realistic for a city girl like me, and the second one just sucks. I speak from experience.

So today, I am grateful for:

• chicken and turkey. They let me have all of my favorite foods, even if they have to be slightly modified.
• "Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz. I've been obsessed with it for the past day or so. I'm not sure what it says about me that I gravitate towards songs like this, but sometimes I need to hear that the two things aren't mutually exclusive. It's also just a beautiful song sung by an amazing man.
• getting BSG in the mail today from Netflix. Kelli told me I should check it out, so I'm going to curl up a little early tonight and start from the beginning.
• my favorite pseudo-Swede. I'm grateful that she got her card and that she's got a good life going there. Time to save up for one epic vacation. (Loves!)
• Banjo, my aunt's Corgi, who had to be put down yesterday. He was the most adorably chubby Corgi I have ever met, and he was a complete darling. I trust that he is now running around the big field in the sky and harassing someone until they play tug with him. Rest in peace, little buddy.

"Isn't reason enough to prove how God moves through you"

I think a lot. I know, that sounds obvious. But I always have something unfolding in my brain, whether it's plans for a new story or blog entry or just my own mental conversation (not in a multiple personalities way, I promise.) I think that's why I'm attracted to a lot of the books/tv/music that I am, because there's usually a lot more going on than just what's obvious on the page/screen/in my speakers.

I recently downloaded Jason Mraz's live album "Selections for Friends." It's no secret how much I (and Lauren) love Jason. The album is mostly stuff that's on his studio albums, but there's a song he did called "God Rests in Reason" that I cannot stop listening to. Literally. I think I've listened to it at least 15 times today. The lyrics are partially taken from the poem "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran. (Which I am now going to find a copy of to read.) I grew up in a very conservative Christian home, and though I'm certainly not as conservative as my parents, I still hold onto a lot of those things. So I find the lyrics to the song both uplifting and thought provoking. I love the whole thing, but this verse of the song is the one that's been catching my attention this evening.

Well, your children will not be your children
They are the daughters, the son of a beginning
They'll come through your womb but not be coming from you
They will be with you but they do not belong to you

You can give them your love but not your thoughts
'Cause they'll arrive with their own hearts

I just love how this expresses the idea of children being a part of their parents but being separate as well. We're all in that potentially awkward transition time where we're becoming full-fledged adults but still rely a lot on our families and I feel like this is such an interesting thing to really think more about.

So anyways, before I turn into an exhausted, crazed psuedo-philosopher, I will end this post. Today, I am grateful for words and music that make me think. And I am grateful for others being able to express my feelings in beautiful ways that I cannot.

Lazy, sunny Sunday

There were plenty of things to be grateful for today: Mother Nature reminding me that summer's not quite over yet, the fabulous smooth feeling of freshly shaved legs, feeling cute in my cuffed jeans, finally finishing sorting through the boxes of stuff I moved home (and sending some to storage), mom's chicken enchiladas, Zac Effron shirtless in 17 Again (such a funny movie, by the way), and finding out that Nick, my best friend from high school, will actually be in Washington for my birthday this year - for the first time in four years.

But the thing I'm most grateful for? An early birthday present from my mom: 2 tickets to the Jason Mraz concert in Portland on Sept. 27th! We were listening to We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things in my car on the way to and from the grocery store and I mentioned how I'd love to see him in concert.... so she says, "Is he coming here? Why don't we look for tickets when we get home? That could be your birthday present this year, if there's not anything else you want." Um, me wanting something more than Jason Mraz? Right. My mom is awesome.

MIA

I know I've been MIA for a while, and this post is not going to be woefully short, but I have a lot to be grateful for in the last few days...

• Amazing day watching geysers today.
• Amazing books by Alison Croggon.
• Being RAW for four whole days! Woot.
• Making yummy raw foods tomorrow....
• Rediscovering Harry Potter on audio book. Jim Dale is a freaking genius!
• Dates. The food. A-mah-zing.
• True Bood. I'm not sure how much I actually love it, but it is seriously addicting! (Though I'm in desperate need of someone with HBO in the Tacoma are so I can watch the finale in two weeks!)

Namaste! Here's to a wonderful last week in Yellowstone!

Day 44: Viva La Vie Boheme

Tomorrow was supposed to be my interview for the job I've been raving about. So I drove by the place today to make sure I knew where it was and how long it would take to get there. The digs were sketchy to put it mildly. The production company is in a house, which isn't that unusual. (A lot of businesses are out of houses around here.) But this house was in an entirely residential area, well off the main road in the Historic District. That in itself wouldn't bother me, but the unnecessarily high fence encircling the house and all the windows being shut and blinded did not inspire confidence. I just got this feeling that it wasn't safe. And I feel like I should listen to my gut, so I'm calling them tomorrow to say I won't be accepting the interview.

Part of me is really disappointed because this job sounded amazing. It was a writing and PR job, which is basically perfect for me. But I'm glad that I figured it out today that it's not the best idea to go in tomorrow. This way I can at least be courteous, and cancel ahead of time instead of just not showing up.

So that part of my day was a little bit of a downer, but I got to talk to K. Fred this morning. It was so good to hear her voice and hear what she's been up to. It totally made my day. Then this afternoon I made puff pastry filled with Nutella. Not as good as the Ultimate Dessert Sandwich, but still tasty.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting to talk to Kim. Long distance really is the wrong distance. But it's not a deal breaker.
• Nutella. It's bringing on flashbacks of my days in Second South, and it tastes so damn good.
• Dhani Tackles the Globe. I have it on my Netflix Instant Queue, so I can watch it any time, and it makes me want to travel and learn all of these sports. I just watched the New Zealand episode where he learned to sail.
• Lauren's support via Wandering Gypsy. It really does mean a lot to me.
• RENT. Not that I ever forget about RENT, but I haven't listened to it in a while, choosing Kerrigan & Lowdermilk or N2N when I want musical theatre. I've had it playing on my iPod today, and I'm remembering exactly how wonderful it is. (And it reminds me of freshman year Fall finals week. Dancing and singing on tables was one of the best ideas we ever had. And by "we" I mean Justin.)

Almost Sold Out

We were two seats away from being sold out on closing night tonight. Good. Times. It's so amazing to have a full house that's there and attentive! And we were recording so it's official!!!! Haha. We had to strike directly after the show since the theatre we used is loading in their first show of the season tomorrow morning. Good times. But we had pizza and candy and soda so all was well. Anyways, I'm SO grateful to have done this show---I've made so many friends that I NEVER would have picked out as being friends with. I love it.

Anyways:

• Caffeine. I don't drink it, but the show was pretty awesome.
  
• All the new friends I made.
  
• Inside jokes.
  
• Looking hot. Oh yeah---cause I did tonight and totally had an INAPPROPRIATE outfit for strike. But I looked good doing it!
• Bravo & their ridiculous marathons. Real Housewives of Atlanta was on & it pretty much rocked my world.
  
• No French class on the weekend! Woot.
  
• Buying stuff on itunes. Insta-music is awesome!
  
• Next to Normal (what I bought on itunes). EVERYONE needs this album. For reals.
  
• Casual dating. It's so much better than anything serious, don't you think?
  
• The new roomies. We may do a photo shoot of the three of us and then post them on our walls in the living room poster size. Yup, you read that right.
  

Good night!

Day 43: "Yeah, my modesty is pretty awesome."

Today is such a better day. Such a better day. It's hard to believe that the past two days even happened because I feel no latent effects from them.

I woke up a little tired, so I stayed in bed watching Food Network and Nitro Circus while texting with Amy and Lauren. Then, when I decided to actually do something today, I put on one of my favorite summer dresses and did my make up before heading out to the library. I'm mostly happy about the summer dress/make up combo because it resulted in a fair amount of, um, "attention" today. The library, by the way, is nerd paradise. If there was a library on the beach that had a full bar, I would be in Heaven. (Business idea?) Then I brought back some serious Second South memories by cooking with Nutella. Now I'm just watching the sun go down and debating between reading one of my library books and watching the final part of Tin Man on DVD. If I feel really ambitious, maybe I'll do both.

I have no complaints.

Today, I am grateful for:

• The Ultimate Dessert Sandwich. I decided to put Nutella between two pieces of savory french toast and then drizzle it all with a white wine and raspberry compote. It was the best idea I've ever had. So. good.
• texting back and forth with Amy with limited interruptions. We haven't spent the day texting in a while.
• dresses and heels. It always feels good to look good.
• puff pastry dough. Tomorrow I'm going to see what happens when I fill puff pastry balls with Nutella. It'll hopefully be like a modified cream puff.
• Francesca's. They are the source of most of my dresses, and since I'm on a huge dresses kick, that makes me love them.