I've been falling back into old habits lately. Bad habits to be exact. Part of me thinks/knows that's been a big reason I've been avoiding this practice; I'm afraid of getting caught. But the truth is: I struggle every day with my weight, my self esteem and the disease that ties them together. I'd love to say that after Walden Pond-ing it for two whole years, I feel a lot better, but life hasn't changed all that much. I have, but life hasn't, and it's hard not to reacclimate to the life I once knew.
For those loved ones I haven't seen in a while: apologies. I've been far too ashamed of myself to venture much past work or the occasional meeting. It hurts a lot to have gone away broken and realize that, even now, I'm only just bandaged.
It's times like these when I struggle with gratitude on a larger level. Sure, I'm thankful for the sunshine, but how much does that matter when I can't look at myself in the mirror? I suppose that's the big question (or at least the one I'm choosing to focus on): Are little bits of gratitude the gateway to "big gratitude" and, eventually, happiness? I ask this not knowing the answer.
But in the meantime, I'm still grateful for:
* sunshine.
* an amazing boyfriend.
* great friends.
* some opportunities hopefully on the horizon.
* finding a way.
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