Days 522-42: My Heart Is Split

I've been absent for far longer than intended. I have two (unrelated) reasons: The first is that I had a bad case of the flu over Christmas and didn't even move for several days; the second is that the day after I recovered, I flew out to spend New Year's Eve with my sweetheart. I'm actually still staying at Phil's house since snow is making traveling back to Little Rock rather difficult.

The more time I spend here in Seattle and, for that matter, the more time I spend in Hot Springs, I realize what I'm feeling: My heart is split. For anyone that hasn't heard that phrase, it's a song by Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk (kerrigan-lowdermilk.com). I've connected to it for a while, but it fits even more perfectly right now.

I love living in Arkansas. It's the break that I needed, and it has lead me to some amazing people that have broadened my perspective on life. I get to live on a lake and take time easy while volunteering for the local Humane Society. I cook in an amazing kitchen and bake dog treats for my two dogs and all of their doggie friends. It's a simple life, but it's a good one. And it feels like home.

But Seattle is where I was born and raised. It's where my friends are. It's where my family is. It's where the love of my life is, and I know that to take the next step in my life, moving back is essential. (And I can't say goodbye to him again. It hurts far too much in a way I can't even describe.

My heart is split. Both places feel right in their own ways, and they can never be combined. Arkansas isn't Seattle, and Seattle isn't Hot Springs (which is what I love about both locations). So I'm choosing Seattle. Because it's where my heart feels most complete and alive. But I will always be a Southern girl in a place in my heart, and I hope to visit Hot Springs throughout my life, showing it off to Phil once again and eventually showing it off to our children.

It's a hard choice. It hurts a little. But it's the right choice.

“My Heart Is Split”
from The Freshman Experiment

It happens every now and then.
I hear the words I need to hear
Coming from the tiny speakers
That I’ve shoved into my ears.

The crickets setting the tempo,
The wind dancing across my skin,
Reminding me of conversations,
Summer nights when I stayed in.

Back home, before I moved.
Back home, before I got here.
Back home with the people who loved me my eighteen years.

My heart is split
Between home and here.
I’m cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home and this strange new world I knit.
My heart is split.

As sudden as the onset of winter,
As nat’ral as the trail mix they all eat
This untamed and icy place I live
Has swept me off my size-five feet.

I read non-stop to quell the absence.
I drink too much. I fall in love too fast.
Obsessively collecting songs and details
Nothing’s gone but nothing’s lasting

Back home, before I moved.
Back home, before I got here.
Back home with the people who loved me my eighteen years.

I’m split
Between home and here.
I’m cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home and this strange new world I knit.
My heart is split.

My heart is split
I’m home but I’m still here.
I’m cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home and this strange new world I knit.
My heart is split
My heart is split
It happens every now and then.
I hear the words I need to hear
Coming from the tiny speakers
That I’ve shoved into my ears



I am grateful for:
* both of these places finding a place in my heart and teaching me so many things.
* the amazing friends and family I have here in Seattle.
* getting snowed in here so I can have a few more days with Phil. (We had a tearful goodbye this morning before I realized I needed to change my flight since I couldn't get home safely.)
* good music and fun video games.
* knowing what's waiting for me when I get back to Arkansas.