Overwhelmed... in a very good way.

Maybe it's all the wine I had at my parents' friend's house tonight, but I'm in a place of pure happiness right now. Life is just really good. Almost overwhelmingly so.... like, I'm kind of waiting anxiously for the moment when it all crashes and burns. But as of now, things seem to be heading in the right direction. In the last three or four days, I've had a bunch of theatre opportunities come my way, one right after the other. Granted, the majority of them are upcoming auditions, so who knows what'll come of it.... but I'm excited nonetheless. So I guess today I'm grateful for possibilities.

I'm also grateful for:

• my RENT cast-mates and the fantastic shows we put on this weekend.
• my parents coming to the show last night and absolutely loving it. (I honestly wasn't sure if they'd appreciate the show and was totally prepared for their fake "It was great!" response afterwards - but they actually really loved it.)
• our dirty dancing parties backstage during "Take Me or Leave Me." Especially the gay boys pole dancing on the back of the set.
• the wonderful evening I had with my parents and their friends tonight. I really didn't expect to have such a good time.
• surrounding myself with people who make me happy, who love me, who make me laugh, who give me butterflies, who make me smile, who dance with me, who embrace me for everything I am. Life is so much better (and easier!) when you surround yourself with people who make you feel good than when you spend time with "friends" who bring you down.
• not holding myself back.

Day 198: Three Weeks From Yesterday

Three weeks from yesterday, I will be rocking out to some amazing music while sitting next to the guy that I have waited four months to be close to. In less than three weeks, I'll be where I belong, and it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

Today, I am grateful for:
* being so close to what I've wanted for so long.
* the music of Glee. It's jolted me out of the emotional stalemate I was in.
* ice skating. So entertaining.
* feeling a little whimsical today.
* feeling ready for anything.

Day 197: Pinky and the Brain

Today, I am grateful for:
* perfect text messages.
* only being three weeks away from him.
* Dave Eggers. Such a brilliant writer.
* dreams, in the REM cycle sense.
* ah hell, dreams in general.

Day 196: Icicles and Snow

Today, I am grateful for:
* feeling cute today. For the first time in a while I actually did my hair and full make up and put on one of my nicest sweaters to go out today. I was just running errands, but it was a nice confidence boost to notice other people noticing me.
* President Obama. The more I watch of him this week, the more I'm impressed. I watched his question session with the Republicans today, and he was an absolute rockstar.
* how beautiful the town was today.
* having someone counting down the days (22) until they get to see me.
* feeling good about working out.

"This is our job. To lie to you. We're liars. Professional liars."

Today, I'm grateful for:

• discovering new plays and playwrights. I finally used my Borders giftcard from Christmas the other day and picked up two collections of short plays, one by Neil LaBute and the other by John Patrick Shanley. This afternoon was spent delving into LaBute's plays - I highly recommend Liar's Club, and once I'm a little older, I'd love to perform his extended monologue entitled Falling in Like. Both genius.
• Closer. (Both the film and the original play by Patrick Marber.) I watched it for the first time in a while on Tuesday, and I'd forgotten how brilliant the dialog is. I lovelovelove when Alice asks Dan, "What would my euphemism be?" and he replies, "She was disarming."
• Operation Pool Party.
• movie nights with K.
• starting another weekend of shows tomorrow!

Day 195: Best Places...

Today, I am grateful for:
* good books.
* P's gift coming in the mail today. I have a little while before I need to send it, but it's fun to look through in the meantime.
* the N2N soundtrack. So brilliant.
* having time to play with my guitar today.
* random reasons to smile.

Days 193 & 194: State of the Union

Today, I am grateful for:
* having a president that I am proud of. Bush is the only president whose SOTUs I can recall, so it was an amazing experience for me to be inspired by the State of the Union.
* Rufus coming back. He got out for two hours today, and I was absolutely frantic. But he came home wagging his tail and smiling and popped right in the door when we opened it. He's spent the rest of the day napping wherever I am.
* The Looking Glass Wars. Kelli gave it to me for Christmas, and it was a great read. Alice in Wonderland is probably one of my favorite tales, and this retelling happens to be fantastic.
* a few days of relaxation. I'm still kind of emotionally worn out from the trip to Maryland, so it's been nice to relax at night with a good book and not have to worry too much.
* messages that make me smile.
* books. In general. I love them. Reading is one of the things I really love to do but don't get to do enough of.
* bite sized cheesecakes.
* our amazing neighbors.
* feeling pretty yesterday even though I was in sweatpants.
* long, hot showers.

No Fun.

It's been one of those days. I'm not going into details, but my dad did/said a few things tonight that made me incredibly angry, effectively reversing any pleasant feelings I had from my afternoon of exercise, web browsing, and light job hunting. So it's one of those times when it's nearly impossible to find the good things. Thank goodness I have good friends who are willing to let me vent and try to cheer me up. So tonight, when I need something good, I'm trying hard to find things to put here. It's the point, isn't it?

Here's a few.
*Sam's email after I vented to her. It was just the right mixture of silly and sweet, and exactly the kind of thing needed to pull me out of a funk.
*Stephanie's willingness to be silly and crazy during ballroom tonight. When we didn't have to help Byron demonstrate, we joked around and led each other through moves we hadn't done in a while. Again, silly, fun, and needed.
*Good tv. Chuck, NCIS, and Castle have again assisted in lifting my mood.
*Celery. (If you want the whole story, just ask.)


It's a short list, and it's pretty trivial, but it's all I can come up with tonight. I need to sleep.

Day 192: That's What Girls Do.

It's been a girly kind of day. It's been a supper girly, go shopping, praise my own good hair day, find a gift for my boy, jump way ahead in our relationship in my mind, dance around in my own bedroom kind of day. And I'm a little freaked out. Because I don't do those days.

My name is Sam, and I've never really done this before. I mean, I've dated, and I've gone out with guys. I've gone out with more guys than I care to admit to. (Hi guys!) But I don't really do the "falling for someone" thing. I've always had short bonds with men that are good at the time and good for us at the time but that only exist in that period of time. Basically, I'm not used to thinking in the long term when it comes to guys.

And here I am with this amazing guy who I'm not quite dating (and who I really hope isn't reading this), and I'm willing to wait four months to see him, and I can see spending a future with him. And it freaks me out. But in talking (well, texting) with Kelli today, I've been told that this is apparently what girls do. We fall for guys and jump ahead and worry about the little things. I had no idea. Seriously.

Who knew? For once in a very long time, I'm doing something "normal." And it feels very strange.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Kelli enlightening me.
* Kelli and L both supporting my purchase for The Boy. (3-5 business days separate me and a book on the best places to kiss around the Northwest. Again, baby, if you're reading this, and I hope you aren't given what's above, act surprised.)
* my new dress.
* a shopping/Little Rock day with my mom when we were both feeling a little fragile about my aunt.
* not being freaked out by the future possibilities. (Just freaked out that I'm not freaked out. Irony much?)
* L's Kate Nash suggestion. It's playing right now.

"It's me, I'm a freak, but thanks for loving me cuz you're doing it perfectly."

Today, I'm grateful for:

• my upcoming four nights off. I know I'm probably going to get bored without rehearsals to go to, but I'm really ready to rest my body, mind, and especially my voice.
• the fantastic show we put on today. Alison (Maureen) had a chance to talk to the TNT critic briefly afterwards and he said he loved it. Hopefully he'll write a great review.
• having Kelli & Sam there (on separate occasions) to talk me through my girly paranoia.
• Operation....... well, it doesn't have a title yet, but it's going to be good.
• Adam Lambert. Such good dance music. And "Whataya Want From Me" has been stuck in my head all night.
• figure skating. Even though it usual prompts a lot of ridicule, I actually really enjoy watching it. The US exhibition is on right now and it's amazing.
• Sam's Fifty Things idea. I'm going to try it.

Day 191: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Today, I am grateful for:
* a day of football.
* remembering that "home" can come with me.
* finding a little more balance today.
* a mom that works really hard to take care of me.
* having a low that I can manage today. It feels good when I can make it through.

Measure your life in love.

Apologies for my absence, but my life has been consumed by the thing I'm most grateful for right now: RENT. I've expressed my gratitude for the show and the cast before, but really... I am SO grateful to be a part of this! RENT has always been one of my dream shows, and now I'm actually doing it. During last night's opening, while Matt (Mark) was doing his opening monologue, I had this incredible sensation of suddenly being so, so present in the moment. It was more than just excitement, it was a realization of "I'm actually performing this show that I've loved and dreamed about for years!" There were no nerves, only feelings of complete joy and endless energy. And from that second on, I pushed all other thoughts aside and concentrated on living the experience.

It was amazing! I've had several great opening nights with other shows, but for some reason, this one had something a little extra. I'm not saying it was a perfect show - there were still a couple of wonky things here and there - but the energy of the cast was electric and it just felt like everyone was connected and radiating love to one another.

We did have four people walk out before intermission, but in general the audience's response was fantastic. (We knew going in that RENT is a very different show for the typical TMP audience.) I only hope that ticket sales increase and more and more people get a chance to see this exceptional cast. Tonight's show fell victim to the "second show slump," but I'm feeling pretty confident that we'll all step it up and put on a great show tomorrow for the matinee crowd. Plus the TNT theatre critic is coming tomorrow, and I know that added pressure will push everyone to give everything they've got.

Aaahh, there's so much more gratitude to catch up on, but I have to get enough sleep so my voice will be in good condition tomorrow. I guess this post is "to be continued".... I'll try to remember to post again tomorrow.

Giving, being, and accepting LOVE,

L

Day 190: "Whaaaaaat?!"

First of all, let me just say that I love me some Betty White. Amy and I are watching the SAGs together but apart, and it's pretty fab.

Today, I am grateful for:
* watching the SAGs with Amy.
* getting to chat with Manda today.
* a good, healthy dinner.
* texts that make me smile.
* starting season 5 of Lost.

Day 189: 50 Things

I've still been thinking about what Kelli wrote about accepting love, and it's still got me thinking about how I need to accept that I am worth loving. So I decided to give this thing a try where I wrote down fifty things I like about myself as fast as I could think them up. Honestly, I'm surprised how helpful it was and how fast I could come up with a list. There are things about me that I like that I never really think about, and maybe, just maybe, those are the things that everyone else sees. (You can see my full list up at Gypsy Soul, my personal blog.) It's actually an exercise that I would recommend people trying.

Today, I am grateful for:
* finding my fifty things.
* catching up on sleep.
* Charlotte bringing over homemade soup because she knew we'd be exhausted after our trip. So sweet.
* being able to start a countdown.
* hearing from Kelsey today.

Days 187 & 188: Brevity

This is going to be brief since I'm rather exhausted from spending the past two days on the road and from my trip in general. But I wouldn't change a thing. Getting to go to a service for my aunt is the biggest blessing I could ask for.

I promise I've been offering my gratitude over the past few days, mostly for the little things. But today, I have one giant thing to be grateful for, and that is that I have 30 days until complete and utter bliss. (More to come once I've slept.)

Love and peace to all of you.

Days 185 &186: Me Love

Kelli brings up a really good and really interesting point. I consistently make an effort to make sure that as many people as possible know how much I love them (especially since I've struggled with that in the past), but I really struggle with accepting love. Not in the angsty, "nobody loves me" sort of way, but more out of my own insecurities. I have trouble believing that someone could love me.

I admitted to Amy while she was visiting the Ark that, especially when it comes to men, I see my self as way too screwed up to warrant anyone's love. Between my anorexia, my depression and just normal day to day things, being close to me can get (and usually does get) stressful. I worry that people will decide it's too much and run away, and what's more, I don't really blame them.

So not only do I need to take Kelli's suggestion and accept love from others, but I also need to remember to love myself, and I'm guessing that a lot of women (and men) need to remember the same thing. We all have our baggage, and I certainly have mine, but that isn't a fault. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm (likely) not "damaged goods." And I'm worth loving. It's just a matter of finding people with complimentary baggage.

Today, I am grateful for:
* all the amazing people that surround me in my life.
* the love that I have been blessed with.
* friends who support my ideas.
* a-mazing ice cream today.
* being back in the city for a few days.
* realizing that I very well may be worth falling for.
* getting to sleep in today.
* hearing "When You Wish Upon A Star" live on the sax while walking through the terminal today.
* my arm warmers, which I rocked for the first time today.
* Miriam.

Last Semester

Ladies (and Gents????),

It is officially the last day of vacation (it's one a.m. right now in CO) before my last semester....EVER! So. Excited. Seriously. I'm burnt out. It's time for a break, and it's time for a break back home where I belong. Colorado has taught me a LOT of things good and bad that I'm grateful for. I want to write this list now and then see what things are the same or different at the end of my time here at CSU and in Fort Collins.

Sooooo, here goes:

• I'm grateful for being able to live somewhere on my own away from my family.
• I'm grateful for my family being supportive of my crazy musical pursuits.
• I'm grateful that I have learned that one does not get everything they want (roles, boys, etc.)
• I'm grateful for the friends I've made that has become my mini family.
• I'm grateful for slowly getting a spine of steel---cause I'm gonna need it in this business!
• I'm grateful that I have had many mini and large breakdowns about various things and found a way to pick myself up, find the good, and move on.
• I'm grateful my musical tastes has opened because of friends, school, and my addiction to itunes.
• I'm grateful for the friendships I've kept in tact even though we are far, far apart.
• I'm grateful for my ipod, as a musician it makes things SO much easier....I bought this here in CO, so it counts.
• I'm grateful I can live with more than one roommate and I don't hate them. They're actually kinda bad ass.
• I'm grateful for my kick ass voice teacher. And accompanist.
• I'm grateful for being able to stand up for myself (this is probably part B of getting a steel spine, but I think it deserves its own bullet point).
• I'm grateful for the musical improvements I have made.

I think that's enough for now. I guess my newest thing I'm going to be grateful for is accepting love as Kelli just wrote in her post. That really hit home as some not so awesome things happened of late, and well, it's just effing hard to love yourself when that happens. Sometimes. Which is right now. So going into my last semester of school EVER I shall accept the love that I know is being thrown, prayed, and willed my way.

Sending (and receiving) Love.

Accepting Love

(I know I've been rather absent recently. I can only make the excuse that my life is so boring that I'm having a hard time picking out any specific things to be grateful for. Take this offering instead. It's a little something I started musing over in church this morning.)

We talk all the time about being love. We concentrate on trying to open ourselves up to the good in life, to be grateful for things big and small. Those changes bring positive energy to our lives, and in turn, it becomes easier to practice being love. It’s a wonderful feeling. But today, I realized something. We’re busy being love and trying to give something positive to others, but what about us? What about all the love being directed towards us that we ignore?

Why is it so hard to accept love? We have parents, friends, boyfriends, family…they all love us. But why is it so hard to see that? Why is it that we can be love, but sometimes just can’t get it through our heads that we are, in turn, loved?

I know that what my parents do, they do out of love. Whenever I fight with my dad, I know a lot of his anger comes from a place of worry. And yet, I don’t feel loved in those moments. I feel hurt, angry, useless, and sometimes, overly righteous. I can’t accept that love that he’s giving in his own particular way. I take it as anything but love. Why do I do that? Even if I think he’s wrong sometimes, he’s coming from a place of love.

Do we reject love because we don’t feel we deserve it? Because we take it for granted? Is it a fear of opening ourselves up to being hurt far more than we otherwise would? I make no secret of expressing my love for friends and (usually) my parents, and yet when they reciprocate, it’s uncomfortable for me. I try and brush it off, usually making a joke or breezing past it like it’s never been brought up.

So why not try and open ourselves up to accepting love? I’m not saying we ignore trying to be love, because it’s a wonderful practice that makes an impact. But I say we also try and start noticing all the love being directed our way. Acknowledge those people who love you, and accept their love as if you feel you deserve it. Not in a righteous way, but knowing that you are worthy of being loved just as much as anyone else. We are beautiful, strong young women who deserve to be loved. And just think: If we can accept the love that’s being given to us and let it lift our spirits, imagine how much easier it will become to be love to others! We give love, get love, and then have more to give. It’s a cycle that can only make our lives more positive and filled with joy and gratitude.

So, I leave you with this:
Let those people into your life who will be love for you, and continue to be love for others.

Days 183 & 184: Love Lost and Found

Yesterday's serivce for my aunt was an experience that I didn't expect. I didn't expect to smile and to find people that I intend to keep in touch with. I didn't expect to have joy. But that was Eileen. That was her legacy.

The church was full to the last row with people who love Eileen and love Grant and who love both of their families. I learned things about Eileen that I wish I had been able to talk to her about while she was alive, her writing and her crazy camping stories. And the people are some people that could very well stay in my life. One of Eileen's high school friends and I had a long talk about writing (She writes fiction.) and memory, and her partner and I had a long, long talk about music and hope. We talked about how we can't change the world, but we can change our world and hope it changes someone else's. There were talks of guitar and talks of hope.

And yet, once I left the service and the reception, I felt so dead inside. I didn't want to talk; I couldn't think; I was barely functioning.

Today, I am calmer and thinking fondly of yesterday. The biggest comfort I have in this loss is that Eileen touched so many lives and was loved wherever she went.

I am grateful for:
* all the stories I heard.
* all of the hugs.
* the amazing musicians that I got to talk to.
* the way Eileen's mother greeted me.
* getting to spend time in Philly as a whole family for the next few days.
* talking to Rick. He made me smile so much.
* conversations about hope with Joe.
* a lazy day of football.
* a lazy night of football last night.
* the amount of love that has been shared surroundinhg Eileen's passing.

New Beginnings

Alright, so maybe I'm a little late on the whole resolutions/new year/new start business, but to be honest it hasn't really felt like a new beginning for me until tonight. Tonight I finally get to see B and it's been about a month, so I'm super excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm pretty sure this is my new beginning because I just know he's going to change my life, and who doesn't love a life-changer in their midst? I don't mind one bit. So. Here's to my New Beginning!

Ladies, I hope you all have life-changers in your life very soon. Sending infinite amounts of LOVE your way.

Days 180-82: Snow and Sunshine

I've been absent from posting my gratitude for a few days since I've been on the road to Maryland for my aunt's memorial service. It's a long drive, but it's gorgeous, especially this time of year. Sunshine and snow is a beautiful combination.

Today, I am grateful for:
* snow and sunshine.
* the music of N2N, Lady GaGa and Mandy Moore for keeping me entertained.
* everyone who has entertained me by texting me.
* being the person he texts to celebrate stuff like that.
* cute small-town diners that have good food and sweet staffs.
* finally being in Baltimore.
* sour Skittles.
* the chance to go to a service for my aunt.
* getting to see my brother tomorrow.
* my green dress. It always makes things a little easier when you feel at least a little cute.

Day 179: Class and Glitter

I haven't totally bounced back from yesterday's wonderful little meltdown. I'm less emotional about it, but I still feel tres huge and am still craving a normal life more than I can possibly express. (For those of you tempted to say that normal doesn't exist, let me clarify: "Normal consists of not feeling the need to lie to get out of eating, feeling comfortable sitting down without it making you feel fat and not periodically breaking down because, in your mind, you're two raspberry bismarks away from Biggest Loser contention.)

But today is a little better, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be better still.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Operation Slut-Bomb. It's most excellent. Don't let the name fool you.
* Kelli, who talked me through tonight's meltdown.
* Rufus, who has guarded me since said meltdown.
* bed. It's comfy.
* tambourines. I'm a tad obsessed...

Day 178: No bueno.

After a fight with my mother I have: cried on my bathroom floor for an hour, refused to sit up because it made me feel fat, eaten six slices of pizza, watched an hour of Chuck, attempted to get my flirt on and made myself throw up the aforementioned slices of pizza.

I hate days like today when I realize that a normal life probably isn't in the cards for me. I hate second guessing all of my life's plans because I'm not sure if I can achieve them with these breakdowns. I hate wondering if I should warn The Boy off now because he can't possibly want to be with someone as screwed up as I am. And I hate that it's going to be so hard to get in a car with my mother on Thursday to drive to Maryland when all I should be focusing on is the memorial service for my aunt.

I hate living like this. But I don't see anything changing long term. And that makes me feel completely hopeless.

I wish I had gratitude to offer today, and I'm sure, at one point, I did. But I can't put my finger on it right now, so all I want to do is work out and go to sleep. Maybe I can forget this ever happened.

Day 177: Ginger Vanilla

I'm pretty sure the best thing about baths is the complete privacy. No one asks if you come here for a second or tries to chat. No one knocks on the door to see if you can do this or that. At most, someone comes to check if you're still above water. So for however long you stay in there, it's just you.

My bedroom connects to a bathroom that has a bath tub that has already had its praises sung many times. I'm a big fan of lighting a bunch of candles and letting them be the only light in the room as I submerge myself in warm water. But tonight, it was even more perfect because I haven't been able to quiet my mind lately. I haven't been overly stressed, and I'm not aware of an imminent mental breakdown that needed warding off, but my mind just hasn't shut off for the past few days.

But in the light of the candles and the warmth of the tub, I could let my mind run uninterrupted. And now that my thoughts have run their course, I can move on to new ones, even better ones.

Today, I am grateful for:

• long baths.
• all of my scented candles (including the one from L that smells heavenly).
• waking up to a reason to smile.
• statement pieces.
• new motivation to work out more regularly.

"Does this make me look homeless?"

Today, I'm grateful for:

• RENT rehearsals. They're the best part of my day.
• my incredible cast-mates. Other than one gal (who's attitude and work ethic is... well, less than ideal) everyone is so nice, so supportive of each other, funny, and ridiculously talented. I'm grateful to have gelled with all of these new people so quickly.
• being recognized and appreciated.
• music that forces you to get up and dance.
• having K as my own personal costumer. I'm excited to (hopefully) check out the thrift stores tomorrow.
• my nectarine mint candle, which is currently lit on the table next to me. Smells soooo good. It's like a little bit of summer even though it's freakin' cold and grey outside.

Day 176: Operation Air Drums

Today, I am grateful for:

• Operation Air Drums.
• music that I can dance to.
• having Sophie back after her two day stay at the vet's.
• the way cooking dinner tonight made the whole house smell like ginger.
• photos.

Day 175: Reasons to Smile

Today, I am grateful for:

• playing video games with my dad tonight. We don't have the best relationship, so it was nice to just play around and laugh with him tonight.
• texting with Amy about episodes of Lost. Seriously, J.J. Abrams (in the words of Natalie Portman): Who is your dealer, and does he need more customers?
• all the pictures Amy took on the Ark.
• the multiple fleece blankets that keep me warm at all times. It's about twenty-two degrees outside.
• finding someone so amazing.

Day 174: Will you fly me away? Take me away with you, my love.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a Chuck marathon.
• the smell of freshly baked french bread.
• the sweet way that Rufus is worried about Sophie.
• amazing conversations that make me smile.
• texting.

Days 172 & 173: Poker Face

Amy left for Colorado yesterday morning, which means it is once again just me, my parents and the dogs. It feels so lonely. I got used to sharing a bed with someone and falling asleep chatting. I'm used to Lost until late at night and pumpkin spice chai. And now the house seems a little empty.

So I slept in this morning and have watched a little television. Tomorrow I'm going to actually need to be productive. But I needed some distracting.

See, my aunt's service is the 15th of this month in Maryland, and my parents and I are going. And I'm really glad I get the opportunity to go to a service for her. But that means that I probably won't get to Seattle for a while, so I can't honestly keep telling Phil that I'll be there "soon." So I'm debating flat out telling Phil that I'm not sure when I'll be able to see him. I'm debating having the conversation where I basically have to ask if he's willing/up for waiting for me. That doesn't sound like a fun conversation.

But in the meantime, I am grateful for:

• Amy's visit.
• my mom's split pea soup tonight.
• the smell of hot tea.
• Sophie being all cuddly.
• arm warmers.
• Zachary Levi.
• new television seasons starting soon.
• time to do some reading.
• some new motivation to write.
• the Nine soundtrack.

Resolutions

Today, I'm grateful for:

• the opportunity to continue my internship at The 5th this next quarter. Interns are hired by quarter because most interns are college students looking for work for college credit; being out of school and all, I didn't know if staying on staff was a possibility or not. But I got an email a couple of days ago saying they'd love for me to stay! I'm so grateful for the opportunity to see my projects through and to just be able to learn more about the world of pro theatre.
• getting to have lunch with some "extended family" (aka my dad's best friend and his wife) before they head back to Texas.
• really great music. I've been listening to Kate Nash and Adam Lambert pretty much non-stop for the last three or four days. And honestly, I didn't understand all the hype over Adam Lambert when he was on American Idol (granted, I didn't watch the show ) but after hearing his latest single and downloading the rest of the album, I realized just how talented he really is. I definitely recommend his album... it's just fun, sexy, feel-good music that makes you want to get up and dance.
• the homemade chocolate biscotti our family friends brought when they came over for food & football on New Year's Day. Oh. My. God. To die for. I seriously need the recipe.
• my recent decision to try to cut red meat out of my diet and my family's willingness to accommodate it. I have a feeling it might be a difficult change - I do love a good pot roast and my mom's homemade meatballs - but I know I'll feel healthier and more energized if I'm more conscious of what I eat. Hopefully I'll drop a few of these pounds I've gained since moving home too.
• this blog post by Jason Mraz on New Year's Resolutions and the benefits of buying & eating local and organic. And if you're into what he's got to say there, check out the following entries about his resolutions to recycle, conserve water, fight for equality, and BE LOVE in this now moment. It's an enlightening read, for sure.

Day 171: Sometimes, I Do Do Sadness

Today, I am grateful for:

• last night's late night chat with Amy.
• Matthew Fox and Josh Holloway. (Shallow. But true.)
• my new, cozy hat.
• pumpkin spice chai from Starbucks.
• coziness.

Day 170: 500 Days of Summer

Today, I am grateful for:

• relaxing to yet another amazing movie.
• being this much closer to heading to Seattle.
• everything being better once you sleep on it.
• sleeping in.
• any and every excuse to laugh out loud.

Day 169: Drunken Circus Invitation

After a night of gallery walking and margaritas with my mother last night, Amy and I decided to make a day of headed into Little Rock to play today. It's only about an hour drive, so it's not so far away. Just far enough so that it because a real "trip."

Step one was seeing the Clinton Museum/Library that's right on the water in downtown Little Rock. The building itself is gorgeous, but its contents are even more fascinating. (There are tons of pictures to prove it.) And the adjoining sculpture park was just as beautiful.

Step two was Big Whiskey's to watch the first part of the Razorback game and grab some dinners. I had the strongest screwdriver of my life and got tipsy after two drinks. Our waiter was adorable, especially when we explained that a guy had wondered up to us and invited us to a sideshow across the streets. Midgets on fire, no thanks.

Step three was seeing the amazingness that is Nine. The music, the cast, the way it was adapted into a movie, the costumes - It was all amazing. It's definitely joining the ranks of my favorite movies.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• my day trip with Amy.
• awesome pictures to remember the visit by.
• strong drinks and good laughs.
• an amazing movie.
• a day where I haven't been sad once, which hasn't happened since my aunt passed away.

Infinite Possibilities

Today, I'm grateful for a new year and a new beginning.

I'm grateful for the promise of 2010 and the chance to make this year anything I want it to be.

I'm grateful for endless possibilities and the excitement of the unknown.

I'm grateful that the first year of the new decade is also my first full year out of school.

I'm grateful for all of the incredible accomplishments and advancements our nation and our world has made in the past decade.

I'm grateful for all of the progress we'll make in another 10 years - hopefully equality for all and an end to war. If we all resolve to make it happen, it will happen.

I'm grateful to have rung in the new year with amazing friends, old and new.

I'm grateful for every single experience in 2009, even the ones I'd much rather forget, because they mean I lived another year on this earth.

I'm grateful for this gracious outlook which allows me to begin my journey into 2010 with an open heart, hand, and mind.

Day 168: New Year

It's weird to think that a new year starts today. It's a new beginning even though nothing really changes at the stroke of midnight. And yet, a new year always promises so much.

But nothing changes if you don't change it. The new beginning is more of an interior process. I can't change what I did last year (nor do I wish to). The choices aren't undone because the year has changed. But it's a fresh start nonetheless.

So in 2010, I am actively striving to worry less, love more and practice gratitude. I can't change yesterday, but I can make tomorrow into something different.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a new beginning.
• mimosas this afternoon with Amy.
• sleeping comfortably until about 1pm today.
• going out to get Rufus after we let him run around only to have him come running towards me with his tail wagging.
• leaving some of my insecurities in 2009.