I've been struggling with my body image issues a lot lately. Something about losing my grandmother (and eventually Peter) triggered my control issues majorly. I ended up lying in bed a few nights ago crying to my mother that I was fat and that I ate too much. Now, I honestly believe those two things to be facts, but I'm willing to admit that they may be open to interpretation. But that doesn't do anything to fix things.
I feel...frumpy. And chub-tastic. And unattractive. And. And. And. I could go on.
Every woman has those days. Mine are just a bit different. They end in starvation. And while part of me is willing to do that if it means I can be skinny again, part of me says that's not a good idea. The first part of me doesn't actually give a damn.
So I compromised. In a way. I'm doing what I call a Fast fast. I'm making myself eat one meal a day. (Today it was sushi.) And then I have Slim Fast shakes once or twice a day to keep my nutrient intake up. I should also probably take my vitamin again.
Part of me knows that I sound crazy right now and that everyone's reaction is going to be to tell me to eat. (That reaction hurts more than helps, by the way. See: Wandering Gypsy) But it's what I have to do. It's how I need to survive.
Today, I am grateful for:
- Slim Fast shakes.
- Kelli getting hooked into NCIS.
- dresses and hooker boots. They have magical powers. I'm telling you.
- possibly going boot shopping tomorrow.
- honestly feeling cute today.
Hey beautiful,
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to tell you to eat, because I've been there and I know it doesn't help. Instead, I'm going to suggest and alternative to slimfast shakes. Because they are evil. Truly. They are chemicals and have no nutritional value. I would be more than happy to suggest some tasty, low calorie, nutritionally dense drinks. Really dear, I understand more than you will ever know, and I just want you to be healthy even when you feel a little out of control. I LOVE YOU!!!