Day 88: Unused Little Black Dress

There's a little back dress hanging in my closet that I've never worn. I bought it in Little Rock a few days after I heard that my grandmother was dying with the intention of wearing it to her memorial service. But that's not going to happen.

Instead of waiting for the memorial service, my mom and I made the choice to visit Seattle while my grandmother was alive and still somewhat lucid, the Alzheimer's not having destroyed her entire mind yet. I stand by that decision with my whole heart. Having my grandmother remember me and smile at me those last few times are memories that I will hang on to for the rest of my life. I got to see my family and say goodbye at a time when I can only hope she understand. At the very least, she understood how much I loved her, even if she couldn't grasp those particular words. And she knew that I was there. That means the world to me.

And so that little black dress is still hanging in my closet. I brought it with me on my visit to Seattle in case she passed while I was there, and I suddenly found myself in need of a Catholic-length, chapel appropriate dress. But it went unworn and found its way back to a hanger in my closet here in Arkansas.

My grandmother died today. My uncle called to tell us this morning. And that little black dress is waiting to be worn to a memorial service I will not be able to attend.

I can only hope that my grandmother and my family know how much I love them and how much I wish I could be there. Being here feels so wrong. But I suppose my grandmother isn't there anyway. She's moved on (and, without a doubt, up).

Maybe I'll wear that dress somewhere else. I suspect it will just sit in my closet, a reminder of memories I have and memories I missed.

Today, I am struggling with gratitude. A part of me died right along with my grandmother this morning, and while I have faith that something else will take its place, it remains a loss in so many senses of the word. So I'm struggling, for gratitude and for grace.

Here are some things that have come to mind:
- I am grateful that my grandmother's pain is over. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease, and in a sense, we lost most of my grandmother a long time ago. It pained her emotionally and physically, and I am grateful that that is over.
- I am grateful for the memories I have of my grandmother and the lessons I learned from her. She taught me how to cook, bought me my first formal and never missed a basketball game unless her health prevented her from coming.
- I am grateful for the amazing family I have.

I'm sure there are more things worth my gratitude today, but, as I mentioned, I'm struggling. All I want is to wake up and find out that this was all a bad dream.