Day 106: Girly

I am a complete and total girl today. Embarrassing. But true.

I am grateful for:

• Rule 2.
• chatting with Erin via text.
• chatting with Justin via text.
• a wonderful website that is dealing with my girly indulgences.
• NaNoWriMo starting tomorrow. Time to put all this nonsense in my head onto a page.

Day 105: Bros for life!

I've been incredibly homesick for the past couple days. I'm not depressed or anything. It's not like that. But I've just been thinking about all the amazing moments and people I'm missing while I'm here. I've got this list swirling around my head of things I'm missing out on: seeing Clare's NOMT, watching the Ghost Bro-a-thon with Lauren, watching our mutual shows while actually in the same room with Kelli, getting to spend time with Phil, staying up late chatting with Erin, stargazing, girls' nights, Pike Place, hanging out at NPCC, etc. I miss the little things, the life things.

I'll get back for a visit as soon as I can, although the timing mostly depends on when my family needs me. I can't wait to see people and catch up, and I can't wait to have that part of my life back.

Seattle really is home. I'm perfectly happy here, but I know that going back is what I want and need to do. Now it's just a matter of when.

Today, I am grateful for:

• having so many amazing people in my life that are worth missing.
• tonight's pre-Halloween Ghost Bro-a-thon. I'm very excited in a very nerdy way.
• knowing that my grandmother would be very happy with present circumstances.
• dog play dates.
• looking behind me to see two napping dogs and at least four toys strewn around my room.

Day 104: Getting Out of the House

Sometimes it's the little things, and today that little thing was getting out of the house. All I did was go to the post office, the store and the vet, but I hadn't left the property since we took Rufus in, so even a little trip was perfection.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting out of the house.
• Rufus being a little bit healthier.
• honesty.
• a new disc of BSG to settle down to tonight.
• the possibility of getting out even more tomorrow.

Day 103: Gibbs & Co.

My life is consumed by dogs right now. From making sure Rufus is healthy and settling in to letting Sophie know that she's still my favorite.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting a nap in. I stayed up a lot of the night keeping an eye on Rufus since he seems quite intent on chewing his bandages off. I was beyond happy when both my parents woke up, and I could grab a few hours of solid sleep.
• Kelli and Amy both letting me be girly. I needed some chick advice, and they were there.
• Daisy and Doby coming to visit. It helped Rufus settle in a lot better to know that he could still see friends.
• NCIS on USA. It's nice to have something to watch while I'm hunkered down with the dogs.
• long, hot showers. They feel a-mazing.

Day 102: Making Me Smile

I am grateful for:

• SYTYCD. This top 20 is so buck. And tonight's routines were fabulous.
• Rufus and Sophie getting along.
• a hilarious and fabulous link from Sarah Lake on Facebook. It made me laugh so much that the link made her think of me.
• a 4am text that has had me smiling all day.
• having every reason to smile.

Day 101: High School Yearbook

So I ended up looking through my senior year high school yearbook today. I had to sit still while taking care of the dogs, so I grabbed it to keep my busy.

It's weird to look back at what people who I still know wrote (Justin, Kristina, Phil, Emily, Kristen, Erin, Manda), and it's even weirder to read the stuff that people I've lost touch with wrote. Looks like we really did "keep in touch."

Today, I am grateful for:

• chicken and stuffing on a rainy night.
• tonight's SYTYCD special. Wade Robson is a freaking genius. And I loved Mandy Moore's piece.
• cute hairstyles on bad hair days.
• Rufus being all stitched up and safe. He cut his pad open somehow, so I spent the day taking care of him.
• hearing from Mandy today.

"Gimme some peace, love and happiness."

Has it really been 100 days since A Daily Offering of Gratitude was born, Sam? Wow. That's really wonderful. Even though most of us don't post daily, I know we reflect on our gratitude and each other's gratitude every day, and like Sam said we've been able to stay connected through this blog. I'm proud to see that this practice, this new attitude and mindset, has lasted over three months. Here's to remembering, acknowledging, embracing, and sharing our gratitude as each new day dawns.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• this. And you.
• a fantastic night out with my dad last night. We hadn't gone out just the two of us in a really long time, so I asked him to be my date to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at The 5th. (Comp tickets! I love this job!) The show was soooo much better than I thought (I'm generally not a fan of anything Webber). It was just FUN. If you get a chance this week, go see this show - the entire cast, from the leads down to the children's ensemble, is outstanding and the brightly colored sets and lights are so well done. The whole production makes it absolutely impossible to leave without a smile on your face. (And if that's not enough incentive, Joseph is shirtless most of the show, and... oh. my. damn. Hello abs and pecs!)
• The Cheesecake Factory. We walked over there for chocolate cheesecake and drinks after the show, capping the night off perfectly.
• the gorgeous fall foliage covering Puyallup right now.
• G.Love and Special Sauce, the soundtrack for this evening and a much needed switch from listening to Candide so much while doing my research. (By the way, I find it funny and kind of perfect that I'm working on a show where the main theme and philosophy is "optimism.")

Day 100: Our Ladies of Gratitude

One hundred days of gratitude. That seems crazy, mostly because I feel like I restarted this practice about a month ago.

It's been an interesting hundred days. There have been amazing days, and there have been awful days. I've had days that I will never forget.

Today, I am grateful for:

• this. Daily Offering of Gratitude. It started as me just needing to be accountable for my gratitude, and it's turned into five friends sharing their lives and keeping in touch.
• Amy. We've been the best of friends since we lived next door to each other our first year at PLU. When she moved away for grad school, our friendship managed to get even stronger. We talk every day, even if it's something small. And one form of communication is never enough.
• Lauren. We also met our first year of college while living down the hall from each other in our dorm. I'm pretty sure our first act as friends was to throw a party in protest of dorm quiet hours (which I still have the flyer for) in our lounge. She's still my fellow fashionista, ghost nerd and dance snob, even two thousand miles apart.
• Kelli. We've known each other since the beginning of college, but we only became good friends in the last year, year and a half. But now she's someone that I talk to every day, nerding out about a television show or just sharing something random.
• Clare. I remember meeting her in my sophomore Imaginative Writing class, but I missed a fair amount of that class to take care of some pressing family stuff. By my junior year, we were living in the same apartment building and chatting about life and love on each others couches.

I am also grateful for:

• inside jokes.
• that we've stayed in touch despite being so far apart.
• all of the memories.
• the promise of more memories to come.
• these amazing women becoming a part of my life. I don't bond all that well with other women, and yet I have them, and I plan on them always being a part of my life.

Day 99: Fast fast

Today was one of those days where I decided to bust out a dress and the stiletto hooker boots (my ass-kickin' boots, as Erin calls them) for no apparent reason. Well, no apparent reason at the time.

I've been struggling with my body image issues a lot lately. Something about losing my grandmother (and eventually Peter) triggered my control issues majorly. I ended up lying in bed a few nights ago crying to my mother that I was fat and that I ate too much. Now, I honestly believe those two things to be facts, but I'm willing to admit that they may be open to interpretation. But that doesn't do anything to fix things.

I feel...frumpy. And chub-tastic. And unattractive. And. And. And. I could go on.

Every woman has those days. Mine are just a bit different. They end in starvation. And while part of me is willing to do that if it means I can be skinny again, part of me says that's not a good idea. The first part of me doesn't actually give a damn.

So I compromised. In a way. I'm doing what I call a Fast fast. I'm making myself eat one meal a day. (Today it was sushi.) And then I have Slim Fast shakes once or twice a day to keep my nutrient intake up. I should also probably take my vitamin again.

Part of me knows that I sound crazy right now and that everyone's reaction is going to be to tell me to eat. (That reaction hurts more than helps, by the way. See: Wandering Gypsy) But it's what I have to do. It's how I need to survive.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Slim Fast shakes.
• Kelli getting hooked into NCIS.
• dresses and hooker boots. They have magical powers. I'm telling you.
• possibly going boot shopping tomorrow.
• honestly feeling cute today.

"Quality real estate. That's what those boys are."

I'm grateful for:

• having a fellow ghost nerd in Sam. We're actually excited about the Travel Channel's Halloween-eve Ghost Adventures special. What can I say... you gotta love the Ghost Bros.
• Halloween being right around the corner and having a costume and a place to party this year!
• pumpkin. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, pumpkin pasta..... not all at once, of course. It's my favorite seasonal comfort food.
• Victoria's Secret sweats. I had one of those shifts at work today that felt twice as long as it actually was, so it's been really nice to hang out in my sweats since I got home.
• feeling successful in my internship after one week. I've been given a long list of things to work on, I've found a few resources, and I feel like I've made a good connection with my boss. It's funny, yesterday I was asked to help out another department by copying scripts and music and stuffing packages for actors... and though that sounds tedious and boring, I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if it was the "accomplished feeling" or just being able to make someone else's job a little easier or what. But it's a sure sign that this is exactly what I should be doing right now.
• the amazing perks that come with this job - like free tickets.
• the affirmations posted on Jason Mraz's twitter. They encourage me to stay on track with my gratitude.

Day 98: "Live without warning."

So yesterday's mood has officially passed. It's understandable that yesterday was a little rough because of my grandmother's service, but I was worried the mood would be semi-permanent. I'm grateful that it was not.

I've been waking up to all sorts of awesomeness, from texts that make me smile to Facebook posts that make me feel special. They're little things that start my day off in the right direction and make me feel connected to the part of my life that is still in Seattle. Small gestures are the ones that are the most amazing to me. There's something about knowing that a person doesn't have to go out of their way to think about you. You're just on their mind.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• small (but amazing) gestures.
• rediscovering Green Day's Warning album. The title song's chorus has me singing "Warning / Live without warning." So wise, Green Day. So wise.
• getting to talk to Gabri today. I miss that girl.
• music swapping.
• happiness.

Having The Fam in my corner

I definitely do not love and appreciate my family enough. Today my mom started something new with my brother and me: Encouragement emails. My mom and brother decided that this way we can be there for each other in a better way than just my mom and I texting or my brother and I texting. It's brilliant and actually made me cry a little bit. The written word is so powerful and it was wonderful to see how supportive they are. It's hard to remember your family and who they are when you're so far away from them. It's especially difficult right now because my brother just got married and he's stressed about being married and being a real adult. Crazy stuff. My mom's struggling with both of us being gone for reals and I of course am in the middle of the U.S. questioning my life decisions. All in all, we could ALL use some encouragement. It's just nice to know and be reminded of the fact that they're there. I love them to pieces. There's even talk of all of them coming out in March to see the opera.

Anyways, tonight is my last night as the First Lady which is exciting and sad all at the same time.

And so I'm grateful for:

• My family.
• The ability to perform.
  
• Planting musical seeds in children. There's a program at CSU where third graders come to the arts building and experience theater, art, dance, and music. We taught them about recit today and it was the best. They're so eager and willing to learn and by the end of our two hour sessions with different groups they had a good grasp of recit and didn't want to leave. It was the best.
  
• Not completely sucking at French. I had an oral exam today and was super nervous about it but it wasn't that bad at all. (Le sigh!)
  
• TV. It's my biggest escape and I love it. It's always on--I just love the noise.
  

Have a lovely weekend ladies!

Day 97: Lighting A Candle

Today was my grandmother's memorial service in Seattle. I was/am in Arkansas.

It got to me even more than I thought it would that I couldn't be at the church with the rest of the family to mourn the loss of my grandmother. She never would have missed it if the roles were reversed. And all I could do was go to chapel here and light a candle for her.

So today was a little bit of a struggle for gratitude. It was hard to get past not being in Seattle and the concrete loss of my grandmother. But there are some little things, and some days, it's the little things that count.

Today, I am grateful for:

• being able to light a candle at St. John's for my grandmother. It's the closest thing to a spiritual experience I've had in a long time.
• Leverage on Netflix instant streaming. I needed to just sit back and cheer myself up a little, and that let me do it. Plus, my parents watched with me, so it became family time, and I didn't even have to talk to my father.
• emailing with my college roommate's mom. I know that sounds weird, but she really took me in as one of her own when my family moved away, and i felt bad that I had lost touch, so I emailed her today and heard back tonight.
• internet shopping. I had to hide my credit card because there's so much I want to buy, but it was nice to see what's out there since I do need to invest in some staple pieces.
• my XBOX360. It's how we get Netflix instantly, and I'm a little addicted to one of the Burnout games right now.

Day 96: Sweetness

Today, I am grateful for:

• good road trip music.
• waking up to subtly sweet texts.
• green eye shadow.
• knowing how to use green eye shadow correctly.
• my FoCo rings.

Day 95: Sid

FACT: I bought my dog a stuffed animal today that looks like some sort of sloth/rhino hybrid.
FACT: I named him Sid after the character in Ice Age.

FACT:My day was pretty boring besides shopping for dog toys.

My list of gratitude for the day includes:

• spending a little time shoe shopping. I didn't buy today because I need to care for my bank account, but I found really cute boots and may cave.
• having a buddy for NaNoWriMo.
• feeling pretty cute today.
• french bread french toast.
• "for fuck's sake." It's really fun to say and has a certain edge to it. (Never underestimate the power of alliteration.)

Day 94: "Take care of you."

Today, I am grateful for:

• pumpkin swirl cheesecake. Heaven.
• the amazing email from Sarah that broke my heart in the most wonderful way. It was a short one sending her condolences for my grandmother and making sure I was okay. And it made me cry but made me happy at the same time.
• getting Sophie into the vet today and getting everything under control.
• waking up to Doby and Rufus playing the front yard (and Rufus very clearly asking for breakfast).
• gorgeous sunshine even in cooler temperatures. It was a beautiful day.

"Requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away and over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe."

I'm grateful for:

• getting to see and/or talk to so many friends today - texted with both Kelli and Sam, made plans to check out the Mandolin Cafe with Kelli on Tuesday, had the pleasure of having Kim spontaneously come over for dinner with my family because she was in the area, and caught up with Eric over the phone.
• seeing a PLU theatre production last night with no prior knowledge of what the play was about. It goes without saying that I miss acting there, but it was awesome to go back as an audience member and just take in the experience.
• starting my internship tomorrow morning when I go to Seattle to meet with the man I'll be working for. I've already been told over the phone that I'll be working on their production of Candide, but hopefully after tomorrow I'll have more specifics and be able to get started.
• flavored Coffeemate. It really is "coffee's perfect mate." Nice work, marketing people.
• having every episode of Sex and the City on DVD. I really love the first few episodes of Season 6 Pt. 2 because they chose to set them in the fall to show off how beautiful a New York autumn can be. With fall outside my window and on my computer screen, folding laundry this afternoon became much more pleasant.
• equality and the promise of change.

Day 93: Rule 2

It's been a girly day (aside from the portion where I was bitching that both football teams I was cheering for were getting their asses handed to them). I spent most of the day cuddled beneath my comforter, debating what color to paint my toe nails (I'll do the actual painting tomorrow.), listening to chick rock and enlisting Kelli and Lauren in a boy related "crisis."

So, today, I am grateful for:

• Rule 2, which states that I do not need to and should not apologize for being girly.
• unlimited texting. Seriously. I would owe so much money this month if I didn't have it.
• texting with Lauren today/tonight. (I feel like it's been so long!)
• finding the "favorites" button on my phone. I went back to being two-years-old and found it hella amusing.
• having my hair french braided today. Like I said, it was a girly day. So I had one side braided and threw the rest up in a messy bun, and it actually looked really cute without much effort.

Day 92

I finally walked along the route the bulldogs attacked me and the dogs (and on one occasion, my mother) today. Both my parents came, and the bulldogs didn't come out, but I was surprised by how nervous I was. My mom stopped by the yard to show my father exactly what happened, and I wanted no part of it. I kept moving with the dogs and found myself looking behind me almost all of the walk.

I don't know if the dogs are still there or if Animal Control took them away. (There are different answers depending on who you ask in the neighborhood.) But I didn't expect to feel that unsafe and jump any time a dog barked. I'm not scared for me. I can handle myself. But I worry about Sophie and the dogs.

Today, I am grateful for:

• nothing happening on the walk.
• my white polar fleece.
• naps. Once again.
• boy advice from Amy.
• just getting all of my worries out so that hopefully I can move past them.

Day 91: Naps

Today, I am grateful for:

• naps. I didn't sleep last night because I was worried about the dogs, so I slept today and feel fabulous.
• ghost shows on Friday nights on the Travel Channel.
• possibilities.
• rocking out to music today and feeling how freeing it was.
• having a little less stress in life today.

Still grateful, but not posting.

I'm not going to keep making promises about posting consistently, because as I've learned over my last 4 years of blogging, I suck at posting regularly. So here's a random sampling of things I've been grateful for over the last...3 weeks. (Yikes, longer than I thought.)

-Absolutely #1 is getting to see Sam while she was here. As much fun as texting is, there's nothing like a giant hug from a person you love. And girl talk over coffee is always a nice time.
-My Frosted Cranberry candle. The holidays are fast approaching, and it just smells so damn good.
-Work apparently pulling their heads out of...um...starting to give me some hours as the holiday business picks up.
-FOX guaranteeing to at least air all 13 episodes of Dollhouse. It seems silly, but after what they've done to Joss Whedon and Bryan Fuller in the past, it's a minor miracle. And it's one of my most favorite shows!!!
-ConCon! Only Sam will really understand, but it's guaranteed to be three days of craziness and fun.
-Tea. Which I am about to make, and which will be delicious and will warm me on this gloomy day.
-My purple shoes. Even on a day like today, looking at them cheers me up a little. Because they're fabulous, and because the first time I wore them was the first time I ever did a public reading of my own work. (And it went well.)


There have been many, many more things to be grateful for, but since it's been three weeks, posting them all would take far more time than I am willing to take. I'll just choose to look back at the good things. (At least the ones I remember.)

Day 90: Let Good Happen

This week sucks. I'm just going to be honest about that. No happy thoughts can change that.

I got in a gratitude rut this week. With everything going on, I lost sight of the point for a little while. I kept thinking that gratitude doesn't make bad situations good. It doesn't bring my grandmother back, and it won't change that the bulldogs hurt Daisy yesterday or that their owners lied to cover it up. Gratitude doesn't create good situations. "I think I can" doesn't mean you can.

Then it occurred to me: Everything I thought was true, but it isn't the whole truth. Gratitude doesn't create better situations, but it makes them possible. It means that we don't stop ourselves from achieving something or become our own worst enemy. "I think I can" may not make it so, but "I think I can't" almost guarantees failure.

I'm convinced that I couldn't think my way into a better place yesterday, but I think I thought myself into a worse place. So on the 90th day of this journey, I need to recommit myself and realize that it isn't necessarily always about making good happen. It's about letting good happen.

Today, I am grateful:

• that Daisy is okay. One of the bulldogs bit her above the eye, and she had to be rushed to the vet hospital, but I saw her today, and she's been tended to and has antibiotics to take. She run up and jumped to give me a kiss. She's such a sweetheart.
• that Rufus stayed with us last night. He's the neighborhood stray, and I was worried something would happen to him last night, so I'm glad he came in and stayed with us. He would make a pretty good house dog.
• for Con Con. Cue my nerdy excitement. It's going to be amazing.
• for feeling a little less overwhelmed today.
• for music.

Day 89: No List

In the past 72 hours I have: been attacked by bulldogs twice, lost my grandmother, been hit on my a single father who is half again my age (and not had a polite way to get out of it), had an altercation with my father and yelled swear words literally across my neighborhood. Oh yeah, and I think I adopted a dog today.

It's been kind of a whirlwind, and I'm still struggling big time with gratitude. For the first time, I have no list. I can't think of anything to put on it. And that's really discouraging.

I'm not exactly sure what to say.

Day 88: Unused Little Black Dress

There's a little back dress hanging in my closet that I've never worn. I bought it in Little Rock a few days after I heard that my grandmother was dying with the intention of wearing it to her memorial service. But that's not going to happen.

Instead of waiting for the memorial service, my mom and I made the choice to visit Seattle while my grandmother was alive and still somewhat lucid, the Alzheimer's not having destroyed her entire mind yet. I stand by that decision with my whole heart. Having my grandmother remember me and smile at me those last few times are memories that I will hang on to for the rest of my life. I got to see my family and say goodbye at a time when I can only hope she understand. At the very least, she understood how much I loved her, even if she couldn't grasp those particular words. And she knew that I was there. That means the world to me.

And so that little black dress is still hanging in my closet. I brought it with me on my visit to Seattle in case she passed while I was there, and I suddenly found myself in need of a Catholic-length, chapel appropriate dress. But it went unworn and found its way back to a hanger in my closet here in Arkansas.

My grandmother died today. My uncle called to tell us this morning. And that little black dress is waiting to be worn to a memorial service I will not be able to attend.

I can only hope that my grandmother and my family know how much I love them and how much I wish I could be there. Being here feels so wrong. But I suppose my grandmother isn't there anyway. She's moved on (and, without a doubt, up).

Maybe I'll wear that dress somewhere else. I suspect it will just sit in my closet, a reminder of memories I have and memories I missed.

Today, I am struggling with gratitude. A part of me died right along with my grandmother this morning, and while I have faith that something else will take its place, it remains a loss in so many senses of the word. So I'm struggling, for gratitude and for grace.

Here are some things that have come to mind:
- I am grateful that my grandmother's pain is over. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease, and in a sense, we lost most of my grandmother a long time ago. It pained her emotionally and physically, and I am grateful that that is over.
- I am grateful for the memories I have of my grandmother and the lessons I learned from her. She taught me how to cook, bought me my first formal and never missed a basketball game unless her health prevented her from coming.
- I am grateful for the amazing family I have.

I'm sure there are more things worth my gratitude today, but, as I mentioned, I'm struggling. All I want is to wake up and find out that this was all a bad dream.

Blessed Day of Cray Cray

Today was one of the better days in a long time and I have a LOT to be grateful for. I love these days. My birthday was a couple days ago and it was amazing and now I'm TWENTY-FIVE. Whoa. Crazy. Or cray cray as my new friend Sarah says. Loves it. So first the bday gratefulness:

• Looking hot. And everyone else looking hot excluding a couple of exceptions.
  
• THE BEST GIFT EVER: NERF GUN FROM NICK. Love that kid.
  
• The strongest drink of my life: Nick (who used to be a bartender) made a Manhattan that literally put hair on my chest.
  
• Shooting people with my gun. I don't think I'm violent but it was FUN shooting people. Cray cray.
  
• Cupcakes from the Buttercream Cupcakery. Delish chai cupcakes with red frosting.
  
• Flowers from friends.
  
• Queso dip from Whole Foods. Holy Ish. It blew my mind.
  
• Laughter. I have some of the greatest friends who all love to laugh.
  
• Sam for listening to me bitch the day before my day of birth.
• Ending the night at IHOP with a questionable waiter and a questionable pancake with a smiley face. What am I, five? No. Tres sad pancake.
  

Alright now it's time for the best day ever today!

• Singing in studio and only kind of sucking. It's the longest piece. Ever. For serious.
  
• Going to Boulder for the following: Cheesecake Factory, Lush, and the Thomas Hampson masterclass.
• And did T.H. ever deliver: He offended several groups of people, said God Bless a lot, and name dropped all over the place. Good. Solid. Times.
  
• Piano dress for Magic Flute (Or Magic Poop as my friend just wrote on my wall...) going fairly well.
• Nixing horrible, no good wigs that were Mozartean in nature.
  
• Getting to wear some wicked cool makeup as the Ladies in Waiting to the Queen.
  
• Wanting to rip off my friend Craig's clothes. His costume makes him look hot and irresistible. I may have my way with him under the rake....but you didn't hear that from me.
  
• Mom coming on Thur to see me and the show!
• Mom making biscuits and gravy over this weekend. Can. Not. Wait. If you find out I died over the weekend it will be because I ate tooooo much delish homemade food.
  

Alright ladies, it's been real. Don't let things get too cray cray in your life.

October 12th

Today, I'm grateful for the little things - a pumpkin spice latte on the way to work, surviving a very long and busy work day, and coming home to the warmth of the fireplace, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and a nice big slice of pumpkin pie.

Now I plan to climb into bed with a good book and some Jason Mraz in the background. Hopefully my cat will join me.

G'night, world.

Day 87: Curried Zucchini Soup

Today, I am grateful for:

• Sophie, Daisy and my surviving an attack by those damn bulldogs and coming out unscathed. I effing hate those dogs.
• Kelli and Amy talking me down from the creeped-out-ness that resulted from my neighbor's single-father of a son asking me out. He's half again my age.
• multiple polar fleece blankets. I woke up sick this morning, and they feel fantastic.
• curried zucchini soup. I made it for dinner tonight, and it warmed me up pretty well.
• Sophie. I'm just really glad she's okay. Stupid bulldogs...

Day 86: Cinnamon and Spice

It's officially Fall on the Ark, which is apparently way early this year. Damn global warming...

I'm rather attached to warmer weather, so I was surprised how much I enjoyed getting cozy today, wrapping myself up in layers and a scarf. (Plus, winter means showing less skin. And less skin means me being less elf-conscious. Not that I won't still be showing too much leg...) Hot chocolate and homemade soup are both so good for the soul, and they just don't work as well in the Southern summer heat.

I feel a shopping splurge coming on. But I have to resist for just a little bit.

Today, I am grateful for:

• feeling all cozy.
• getting to spend the rest of my night curled up with a book.
• giant coffee mugs.
• feeling cute today.
• The Boy having a team in his corner. (Long story.)

Get your wings ready...

I've been very bad at posting on this. I'm going to make a serious attempt to be better. So, here is a quick little post to help get me back on track:

• Friends. New and old. I've met some amazing people this year and managed to have some older friendships grow even stronger.
• NOMT. We have a long way to go and some of the cast is getting a little hard to work with, but I think the show will come together.
• Pooka. He is my joy every single day.
• Knowing exactlly what I need to attain ideal health and get my blood sugars under control even if I don't do it all the time.
• Smiles.
• Getting my wings ready. :)
• The movie "The Invention of Lying" It is soo much more than just a clever premise. Lovely movie.
• Knowing that everything is all right....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PILhLT8YDo

Namaste'

Remembering to let go

I'm grateful for:

• this blog and you girls for reminding me to let go of frustration and annoyance and focus on the positive. I've had several moments at home and at work the last couple of days when I've let little things get to me... I'm grateful I have Daily Offering to remind me to let it go.
• those certain songs I always listen to when I need an escape.
• Halloween candy. Can't.. stop.. eating.. chocolates... (Even though I cringe a bit at all the waste that accumulates from those individual wrappers...)
• our new vanilla shortbread home fragrance at BBW. It's this perfect mix of vanilla and cream and lemon... heavenly. I took home the small candle in that scent as my associate freebie and love it so much that I bought the matching wallflower today.
• spending time with my dad in Seattle Friday morning. He was scouting churches for performance and rehearsal venues for the upcoming choral convention and asked if I'd tag along to keep him company. I think my favorite part of the day was just listening to the final cut of the new PLU Christmas CD in the car on the way up there and back. I actually started getting a little choked up hearing how absolutely beautiful it was - I know that sounds silly, but somehow the combination of the music, the message of the lyrics, and my memories of singing it really got to me. Yet another example of the power of music, you know?
• being chosen for the internship at 5th Ave! (Not really news anymore, but I just realized that I hadn't expressed my gratitude here yet.)
• Clare, for making the promise with me that we'll keep encouraging each other to "get our wings ready." :)
• feeling like I'm ready to go to bed with an open heart after coming home from a looong day at work with tight muscles and immediately getting annoyed with my family. I'm letting it go, and I know that will help me sleep better and wake up grateful for a new day.

Day 85: Baby, It's Cold Outside.

It was fifty-two degrees outside today, and I'm pretty sure my body went in to shock. Seriously. It was eighty degrees out two days ago, and that's the temperature I'm used to. So I now feel like a total wimp because it would not be a big deal in the Homeland. But I actually busted out real shoes and a hoodie today. Which is a big thing for me.

But it was nice to spend a cozy day not wanting to get out of bed and then holding my head above the stove so that I could smell my mother's soup as it cooked. It's finally Fall here.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my mom's split pea soup.
• new books from the library.
• new reading glasses (that are tres cute), so I can actually read the books from the library.
• random quotes from Leverage and its cast.
• texts that make me smile.

Day 84: Friday Night

Today, I am grateful for:

• mother/daughter Friday nights.
• having "Let's clean out the fridge" dinner night turn out delicious.
• cooking again.
• late night chats.
• having a routine.

Day 83: Old Friends and First Dates

I need to remember that not everyone is as surgically attached to their cell phone as I am. Actually, no one is as surgically attached to their cell phone as I am. I wrote off a guy because he didn't text me back after I had sent him a pretty bluntly flirtatious text. But I woke up to the most amazingly sweet text this morning. So I'm in a pretty good mood today.

Today, I am grateful for:

• reconnecting with old friends.
• amazing first dates.
• tortilla and black bean pie. I'm in the middle of making it for dinner, and it looks kind of amazing.
• diet A&W root beet. (It's my soda addiction.)
• sunshine and rain. It's alternated between gorgeous sunshine and massive storms, and I'm loving it.

October 7th

I'm grateful for:

• the crispness in the air that tells me autumn is really here.
• the way the sunlight illuminates the red and orange leaves on the trees.
• getting to hang out with Chris Tavern and watch his school play rehearsal on Monday. He has a great connection with his kids - you can tell they really love him - and he's created something really funny with this group of young actors. I appreciated that he wanted my opinion and implemented my suggestions. He's also asked me to assistant-direct his NOMT in May/June, which is very exciting.
• finally finding a black cardigan I like today. (I've been wanting one for my work wardrobe now that it's getting colder.) You'd think it'd be the easiest thing in the world, but most of the cardigans I'd found either made me look like an old lady going to bingo or a five year old. Very happy to find a good one today.
• Clinique Bonus Time. Gotta love free cosmetics.
• SYTYCD Vegas Week - I love it when the choreographers kick the dancers asses and show them what it really takes to be in the Top 20. I also adore when Tyce and Mia get brutally honest. I was sooo sad to see Ryan cut, though... loveloveloved him.
• being totally spoiled by my company. BBW is launching it's new and improved body creams and shower creams soon, so all associates got to pick out a free body cream, shower cream, and a small candle. I love getting to try new products, especially for free!
• chai tea. Yummm.
• very, very good dreams involving Jason Mraz.

Day 82: Captain Planet is a fucking genius.

I am grateful for:

• the cramazing FB message from Amy. So classic.
• the Wednesday night television line up (as always).
• solidarity.
• this weird "just do it" bender that I'm on.
• PLU approving my exemption request.

Day 81: The Old Me

I got the old Me back somewhere on the trip to Seattle. I'm not sure if it was the stress or the circumstances or just being home, but I feel like me again. And I haven't felt that way in a long time. So that's mostly what I'm grateful for today.

Other sources of gratitude include:

• getting to have a political nerd moment with Lisa.
• a walk in the rain.
• realizing a lot more about myself.
• having a little bit more of life figured out.
• having it more together than I thought.

Day 80: Here's to a future...

So technically I got back from Seattle yesterday, but since I slept through most of yesterday, today was my first actual day back on the Ark. It felt like I had been gone forever. But it's only been a week.

I miss Seattle already. The food, the friends, the family, the crazy memories. It's home. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy here in Arkansas. It's beautiful, and the people are really nice, and this house is amazing. But I miss the familiarity of having every place I go connected to a memory or two. I miss the bustle of the city and the coffee obsession. I miss old friends and more recent ones.

I've talked a lot about wanting to hit up Philly or San Francisco when I'm done with my time here, whenever that may be. But nothing can compare to home. Not that Seattle is perfect. But it's right. It's perfect for me.

So here's to a future of more girls' nights, crazy memories, epic life moments, coffee, yoga, artsiness, vacations, love and friendship. I can hardly wait.

I am grateful for:

• phone chats with the BFF. We text every day, but it's good to catch up voice to voice. Especially since we have a tendency to live parallel lives.
• getting back to the routine, including taking Sophie for walks with my mom. It felt like we hadn't done it in forever.
• being caught up on sleep. Sleeping until 6pm one day and then noon the next will do that for you. It felt so good.
• coconut curry chocolate. No explanation needed.
• closure. It feels really good to move on.

How to return home.

I'm grateful for:

• A weekend full of friendship, beauty, dance, laughter, love, homecoming, hugs, music, and of course, gratitude.
• Romeo et Juliette at Pacific Northwest Ballet - it was truly one of the most beautiful and emotional masterpieces I've ever seen. The dancers, the orchestra, the score, the lighting, the set... every last detail was stunning. And I'm so grateful I got to experience it with Clare. (We WILL find give-you-wings love, Clare!! It is out there!)
• copious amounts of wine combined with old and new friends. I hadn't let loose like that in a while, and I definitely needed it.
• Learning just how special and important university homecoming is once you're an alum. You really can return "home" - and though it's different and somewhat strange, your true friends will welcome you back with open arms and open hearts.
• Choir of the West. I'm so glad I went to Homecoming Congregation this morning to hear them sing; they really are incredible this year. I had that special moment of joining the choir as an alum for "Beautiful Savior" and I can't even describe all the love I felt from everyone when they realized I was there. I honestly didn't expect such an excited and warm welcome, but after the organ postlude more and more of them kept trying to catch my eye and waved me over for a hug. It was wonderful. COW is my second family, probably even more than my theatre family... they have always accepted me and loved me and I never have to put up a front with them. I love them so much! I miss them all, grads and those still singing with the group, and right now I would give anything to sing with them again. My heart is overflowing and aching at the same time. :)
• FRIENDSHIP.
• Music.
• Being Love.

Day 79: Home

It feels so good to be home. But I miss being in Seattle. Visiting made me realize how much it's really home, in the grander sense of everything. So as a bright side, this trip has made me realize that I want to end up back in Seattle after all.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Mad Men. It's so brilliantly honest.
• being a little caught up on sleep. I definitely slept until 6pm today and am headed back to bed soon.
• Sophie wanting to stick right next to me. She's guarding me to make sure I don't leave again.
• having a really cool writing idea.
• having about six pillows. I am hella comfortable.

Day 78: Sleepy

List o' gratitude:

• being home
• falling asleep in my own bed
• being back with Sophie
• getting to take this trip
• sleep

Day 77: Grateful for Yesterdays

Today I have different sort of gratitude. To be blunt, today was pretty suck-tacular, as I said goodbye to my grandmother and my friend, Peter, who are both going to die before I can see them again. So I'm less grateful for today and more grateful for the amazing amount of yesterdays and memories that include my grandmother and/or Peter. I'm also grateful for the impact they have had on my life.

Peter taught me, more in his dying than his life, ironically, to live life to the fullest. He says he's lived three lifetimes, and when my time comes, I hope I can say that too. Peter lived the way that everyone else is scared to. He was impulsive and hedonistic, and there were times it worked out and times it didn't. But Peter never had to ask himself what would have happened. He always plunged in. He always made me smile, and today he made me cry. I know he didn't mean to help raise me, but he really did.

My grandmother (combined with my mother) made me the woman I am today. She always used to tell me, "Have an opinion." Those of you who know me know that opinions are something I have never been short of. She taught me to speak me mind. She taught me to cook and to bake. And to swear. She was virtually the perfect grandmother. And I am so grateful for all if the memories I have of her and the lessons she taught me.

Most of all, I'm grateful for this past week. I am so blessed to have been able to fly back up here to see Peter and to see my grandmother. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, but I'm glad I got to do that. And I'm grateful that I was here in time for my grandmother to still recognize me.

I am also grateful for:

• Theo Chocolates. I have had five truffles in the past six hours. And I will probably have more chocolate. It's amazing (and comforting).
• getting to hang out with Phil last night. We haven't seen each other in three and a half years, and yet we fell right back into it over a beer and then some Mad Men (his favorite show).
• getting to see Kelli while I was here.
• getting to sleep in my own bed tomorrow night.
• getting to see my family.

This trip has been a blessing, even if it was for less than awesome reasons.

Be Love

In elementary school the walls were covered in posters telling us that we could choose our attitude and encouraging us to "hang in there." (Do you remember that one? With the little kitten hanging from a tree branch?) I recall rolling my eyes at those, convinced that my teachers' cutesy attempts at creating the perfect positive, motivating environment would have zero success at eliminating our playground drama or making the worksheets the least bit enjoyable. It's not so much that I truly believed that my attitude had nothing to do with my experience... it's just that those perky messages of encouragement, those thumbs up and bubble letters, have always made me twitch. Like, primary colors and comic sans are more likely to make me want to "accidently" kick little Billy than they are to evoke positive energy within me.

That being said, it kind of amazes me that now, in this strange new territory of adulthood, we're really focusing on choosing our attitudes. We know now that mantras work; we rely on affirmations, we latch onto song lyrics that inspire or encourage us, we tattoo ourselves with words, phrases, and images that we know will bring us happiness and strength and will remind us of who we are. We realize the power of positive energy, and we are actively choosing gratitude. We have many more problems in our lives than when we were children, but now we are making promises to ourselves and each other that we'll "hang in there."

This blog is proof that the simple choice to practice gratitude has changed our outlooks and hopefully improved our existence on this earth.

This is not to say, of course, that we don't still feel anger, grief, frustration, envy, or hatred even. (Or anything else.) But I like to think that by giving love and gratitude, I'm opening myself up to receive love. And hopefully then those negative emotions will become more manageable - and surely with less negativity comes better health (physical, mental, and emotional), right?

I was using my time really super efficiently today by flipping through tv, and I stumbled across the episode of LA Ink where Jason Mraz, Bushwalla, and two of their friends all get tattoos around the theme "Be Love." (You know I love any time I get to see a little Mraz.) Anyway, he explained that the motto basically sums up the realization that there doesn't need to be terms or conditions for giving or receiving love - you can just be love. You can choose to embody all that love is and go through life with a positive, humble, gracious outlook. You can be the love you want for yourself and others. That really struck a chord with me, and not just because I'm a huge Mraz fan. I want to try this motto on for size; I want to try being love. I think it will suit me.

You all know I've wanted a tattoo for about four years now, and have just taken my time figuring out exactly what I want and where I want it. I definitely don't want to do something unless I'm absolutely sure I'll love having that piece of art on my body for the rest of my life. But I really seriously think Be Love could be it - it encompasses everything I'm trying to do with this practice of gratitude and the mentality I want to hold on to for the rest of my life, especially as things get harder with finding jobs, living on my own, finding love, etc. I never want to stop being grateful, and I think a permanent reminder to give and receive love will help with that. Now it comes down to the design of the tattoo and where to place it (the theatre business is tricky like that... I have to be able to easily cover it, when ideally I would want to show it off.) And then, most importantly, I need to find a great artist.

So much to think about. I'm excited for the possibilities. I'm looking forward to a new day and I'm ready to begin consciously being love.

Day 76: There's no place like hope.

The title of this post is actually the title of a book that I ran across this morning in my aunt and uncle's house. It's a book about fighting cancer, which doesn't pertain to me, but the title really resonated with me. "There's no place like hope." It's so simple that we (at least, I) never stop to think about it.

So along with gratitude, I'm determined to start practicing more hope.

Things I'm grateful for include:

• running across that book.
• my aunt finding scraps of my grandmother's wedding dress (as well as the entire intact dress). There are enough scraps of fabric to make something out of for my younger cousin and me, if we ever decide to get married.
• friends who let me freak out over stupid stuff because it's easier than freaking out over the big stuff.
• having plans to go out tonight.
• the prospect of Con Con in February.

LoveLoveLove