I'm not really sure what to say.

As Sam posted earlier, there was a quadruple murder at around 8:15 this morning. For some reason, this one has hit me hard. Whether it's because it was four police officers killed or because it was in a coffee shop I used to frequent, I'm not sure. I just know that I've fought some tears back today as well as shedding a few. I heard about it this morning at church when one of our pastors made an announcement that his son, a Pierce County Sheriff, had been called in to help the Lakewood Police Dept.

I think maybe that's what has hit me hard this time. Aside from the incredibly brutal, sick nature of the crime, I've hit the point in my life where I have friends who are cops. A girl I graduated with is married to her high school sweetheart, a member of the state patrol. A guy I had yearbook classes with. Three former track teammates are in the process of testing to get into the police academy. Another track teammate used to do volunteer work with the Tacoma PD and is still considering law enforcement. These are people I know and love, and it could have been them.

We really don't thank our cops enough. Like Sam said, we've both decided that from now on, that random coffee or muffin is now on our tabs. It's the least we can do. To quote from earlier today, "I just really feel the need to go hug a cop."

So tonight, I'm grateful for the incredible men and women who put their lives on the line on a regular basis. We don't usually hear much about them unless there's some sort of screw up, and I think we forget about all the good, regular, honest officers who work for us every day.

Despite the tragedy this morning, the day did have a few brighter spots. Here's a list of those things, all of which I'm extra grateful for today, however seemingly small they are.
-My new sweater. Warm, flattering, a really nice orange, and 40% off.
-Our Chrismas tree. It's big and fluffy, smells amazing, and is just tall enough to hit the ceiling. I can't wait to decorate.
-Ed Kofi being at church this morning to speak. If you've never heard me talk about Ed, ask me. He's an incredible Liberian man who has been literally hunted, had his hand almost cut off in an attack, and still has one of the strongest faiths I've ever encountered. I've known him most of my life, and his testimony is always a blessing. Plus, he has an incredibly infectious laugh.
-My mom. We had a really good talk yesterday, and the continuing dialogue is promising.

Day 135: "There are wolves in the world."

Today, four officers were shot to death in my college town of Parkland. They were sitting in a coffee shop together before their shift started, and a man came in, shot them and fled. I don't know any of these men, and yet, my heart is still hurting. Because just because I don't know them doesn't mean that they didn't mean the world to a lot of people. They were ambushed and murdered, and it shakes a part of my being to be reminded that there really are people that cruel and heartless in this world. To borrow a quote from Leverage, "there are wolves in the world."

I live about 3,000 miles away from Parkland, WA now. So while I wish I could go around thanking every Pierce County, Tacoma and Lakewood police officer, I am unable to. But what I can do is thank ever other cop that I come in contact with. They really are the people we thank the least.

I was texting with Kelli about the event today, and I decided that whenever I meet a cop in a coffee shop, his coffee and/or pastries are on me. It's really the least I could do. And Kelli is doing it too.

I would encourage everyone to thank police officers whenever they see them. At the very least, say hi. They don't really get the gratitude they deserve.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• the men and women who put their lives on the line so that I can live a normal, safe day to day life.
• anyone and everyone who has opted for a job or a volunteer position that puts their life on the line.
• Christmas Village in Philly. It's so damn cute and so cheery. And the world could use a little more cheer today.
• the amazing couple from Puerto Rico/New York that I met today who make so much amazing art.
• the safety of myself and my loved ones.

Pass the love along.

Day 134: It really is always sunny in Philadelphia.

Today, I am grateful for:

• spending the afternoon at the Philadelphia Art Museum. I think I could spend a couple days in there just looking around and staring. They had my favorite Monet, which I had never seen up close, and all of this amazing religious and church art. And the contemporary section sort of blew my mind a bit. I can't wait to go back next visit. (Also, the front steps to the museum are the ones Rocky runs up. Totally put my feet into his concrete foot prints...)
• heading out to Effie's tonight. It's this Greek restaurant that my brother wants to show us.
• pie. This needs no explanation.
• Miriam, one of the door workers at my brother's building. She is so sweet, and she loves my dogs and always fusses over them.
• being in a city that's so easy (and beautiful) to walk around in. We walked about three miles today, and I felt like I was just strolling up the street. Everything is so flat.

Day 133: One Year

I found myself getting a little emotional yesterday when I realized that it was exactly one year today that I told my mother about my eating disorder and decided that I wasn't going back to school. It was one year ago that I turned my life upside down to save my life.

And while along the way I probably would have told you, and anyone, that it was a big mistake, it was the best choice I ever made. I still have bad days, but so does everyone else. Now I'm healthier and happier and ready to restart my life.

I have great friends, a good plan for the future and some serious peace of mind. I feel normal again, and I haven't felt that way in a long time, probably since junior high.

So my gratitude for today is very simple; I am grateful for everyone and everything that has made my life worth fighting for during the past year. And I am grateful for everyone who stuck by me.

I am thankful.

I've probably started and restarted this post five or six times. (Make that seven.) It's Thanksgiving, the day when all Americans are encouraged to do what we're aspiring to do every day: reflect on gratitude and love. And for that reason it feels like I should compose some penultimate offering of gratitude today. But when you really think about it...... every day is Thanksgiving (minus the extreme excess of delicious food.) That's what this blog is all about, isn't it? Celebrating each and every day we're fortunate enough to wake up, breathe, give, receive, and be love. Like Sam, I hope that the spirit of this day can be carried on throughout the year. If each one of us gives thanks and encourages (challenges, even) others to do the same, I think we can achieve that.

Today I feel most grateful for the simplest, and therefore most important, things in my life. I'm grateful to have a family to spend this holiday with; I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I'm grateful for the abundant feast my mother made this afternoon, and I'm especially grateful to live a life in which I don't have to fear going hungry. I am grateful to be in a circle of incredible friends who love, laugh and support each other with every step we take, regardless of the distance between us. I am grateful to be surrounded by inspiration. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful to be employed. I am grateful for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. I am grateful for love, in all its forms.

Who and what are you grateful for today? How can you bring the spirit of Thanksgiving to your life and the lives of those around you every day?

Day 132: Living Love

It's Thanksgiving day, and I'm starting to feel like this is a day meant for us. It's the day we're supposed to reflect on all the things we're thankful for, and I'm hoping that every day can be a little more like today. Everyone is in such a good mood, and everyone we've walked past on dog walks has said hello and/or smiled. It's a day for happiness. Hopefully that mood can carry on.

Today, I am grateful for:

• amazing friends. I have so many great people in my life, and I have a solid group of best friends who make me laugh and smile but are willing to cry with me. Love you guys,
• being here in Philly with my brother. I'm so blessed to have the relationship that I do with him.
• my grandmother's death bringing an amazing guy back into my life. I know she's smiling about that somewhere up there.
• fantastic Thanksgiving food. It's my no-guilt day, and this family takes it very seriously. We have four pies. For four of us... I love this family.
• the gorgeous murals here in Philly. They're calming and inspirational and beautiful, and I wish there were more around Seattle.

Mostly, I am grateful for love. Being love. Living love. Recieving love.

Day 131: Phantastic

This week's offerings may be brief since I'm hanging in Philly with my brother.

However, there's always time for a little gratitude, and today, that gratitude is for:

• being here in Philly.
• having a fan moment with Kelli over a Twitter account.
• how cute the dogs are walking around the city.
• my brother's giant television.
• light rain. (I've been a total Seattle girl, judging all the wimps with their umbrellas.)

Day 130: Family Reunion

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally being in Philly.
• waking up to the sweetest text ever this morning.
• finding out yesterday that I am really good at climbing into back seats straight from the front seat. That oughta come in handy...
• my ipod.
• being with my brother again.

Day 129: "What does one do, my emotionally functional friend?"

I've been on the road all day today, heading from Hot Springs to Bristol, Virginia, which is the half way mark on the road to Philly. That means that tomorrow I will be in my brother's condo, chilling out and catching up.

And yet, today has been a very good day. The roads are gorgeous. The sky is clear. The stars are out. And I've had a bit of a personal revelation.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a moment of personal growth. Even if it does kind of freak me out.
• having a non-slutty life coach in Kelli. (Thanks!)
• good text conversations.
• a clear night of Virginia skies.
• getting to see my brother tomorrow.

Strict Joy

This weekend has been incredible. Somehow, I managed to plan four straight nights of spending time with friends doing things I love and seeing some amazing shows. Right now I'm feeling full. Full of love, gratitude, joy, and emotions I'm not sure how to name. Thursday Nellie and I went to a high school show to see one of the kids we got to know at TLT. It was pretty good, and taking him out afterwards for milkshakes was fun. Friday night was Blues Underground and getting to do some awesome dancing, and last night was getting to spend girl time with wonderful people and watch some awesome dancing. Tonight was the Swell Season concert.

The title of their latest album is "Strict Joy", and that's what tonight was. It was three and a half hours of gorgeous, passionate, moving music. There were moving stories and hilarious moments and an insane woman who decided it would be a good idea to sob so loudly Glen could hear her from the stage and then try telling her life story from the first mezzanine (only one row ahead and four seats down from me). Glen handled it well, letting her talk for a minute or two and then trying, through use of humor and calling on her husband, to get her quieted down. It was interesting to say the least, but once he started playing again, no one cared. There was also some kick ass guitar work, including a badass cover of a Van Morrison song in which Glen had to switch guitars no less than three times because he kept breaking strings.

So, tonight I'm sitting here, listening to the fantastic cd by the violinist for the band (Colm Mac Con Iomaire), filled with joy. It's been an amazing weekend of theatre, dance, music, and friends. Tomorrow is promising to be fun as well, thanks to plans with L. I'm grateful for all of it.

The Night of the (Almost) Naked Dancers

Today, I'm grateful for:

• an absolutely fantastic night out with the girls last night that included a delicious Indian meal and probably the most memorable SYTYCD tour performance ever. This was the last stop on the tour, so we were treated to a show filled with ridiculous costume and role reversals, dancers jumping in on each other's routines (Brandon taking Melissa's place in the pas de deux = priceless), and the guys deciding to wear as little clothing as possible. Amazing.
• the opportunity to watch the White Christmas run-through at The 5th on Thursday. Even though the actors weren't in costume and it took place in the rehearsal space, it was such a good show and I'm now totally in the holiday spirit. If you have a chance to see this show, you must. Take someone you love and be reminded of the cheesy, carefree fun of Christmas. Opening is December 3rd!
• the prospect of some vintage shopping with K tomorrow.
• this lazy, relaxed Sunday.

Day 128: Almost Back to Fifteen Feet

Tomorrow I hit the road for Philadelphia. I'm so excited to see my brother again and to see Philly all dressed up for the holidays.

Today, I am grateful for:

• getting to spend Thanksgiving with my brother.
• having today to rest up after yesterday's amazingness.
• having someone who understands my nerd-dom for all things Countdown.
• the way Rufus greets me when I wake up.
• the Colts game today. Fabulous.

Day 127: Communities Are Responding Everywhere

I spent the day in Little Rock today, volunteering at the Free C.A.R.E. clinic that was put on at the Convention Center. I cannot even express how much this day has touched me, amazed me and inspired me. I met so many people, mostly patients, who had amazing life stories and such loving hearts. Two women in particular are people that I will no doubt remember for the rest of my life.

I'm having trouble putting the experience into words because I'm so tired right now, but it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Top Ten for sure. Probably Top Five. I am incredibly grateful that I was given the opportunity to give this opportunity to others.

Today, I am beyond grateful for:

• the National Association of Free Clinics. They put today's event on, and it was everything I could have hoped for. (For more information, visit www.freeclinics.us.)
• all of the amazing people I met today and their willingness to share their lives with me.
• my mother's willingness to join me today.
• Countdown and MSNBC's amazing effort and aid in spreading the word about these clinics.
• all of the other volunteers who came together today to create a community of help and hope in Little Rock today.

I have never been more proud to be an Arkansan.

Wade in the Water

Tonight, I am grateful that I got to blues. It's been far too long since I've made it up to Seattle for some good social dancing, and I think it was exactly what I needed to kick of what is going to be an epic weekend. My life has been so slow and dull lately that getting out and being social feels awesome! So here's my short list.

-Blues Underground. I had a few missteps but also some really good dances. I got told I was fun to dance with and asked twice by more than one guy. All in all, it was a good night, and I think I have three new blues dancing converts.
-SYTYCD! It's tomorrow night, and I'm super excited to get to spend the evening/night with awesome ladies watching awesome dancers!
-The Swell Season. My parents got me tickets as an early Cmas gift, so Sunday night I'm taking Amanda and we're going to see what promises to be a wonderful concert full of beautiful music and ridiculous stories told by Glen Hansard.
-NaNoWriMo. After NCIS ate my free time, I finally wrote today for the first time in over two weeks and it felt good. I'll see if I can keep up the insane pace and pull off the 50,000 in the next 10 days. I'm only...45,000 words away. Haha...*gulp*

It was a good night. And now I shall sleep, tired but happy after a night of good dancing.

Day 126: Besties

Today, I am grateful for:

• some really sexy music.
• besties.
• getting even closer to having plans to head for Seattle.
• being two days away from heading out for Philly.
• the Ghost Bros being on tonight.

Day 125: Tomorrow I Will Be Yours

Today, I am grateful for:

• new music that makes me smile. Phil and I did a music swap, and I got my CDs today from him. Not only were they two good discs, but there is one particular song that was a pretty sweet gesture. It's some good music to associate with such a great guy. And I'm keeping the note that came with it. It makes me smile too.
• a girl out that happened across continents. I love picking up my cell today to hear Manda screaming back at me from Sweden. It was a pretty perfect moment.
• having Up (on Ms. Nance's recommendation) and GI Joe out on rental for the night. I fully plan on not letting anything harsh my mellow and enjoying the rest of my night.
• getting closer to concrete plans to visit Seattle. I am beyond excited for a reunion with all of my people back home. It's going to be so much fun and so therapeutic.
• the sweetest Facebook post from Amy tonight. Very few things make me go "Aaaaw" out loud, and she did. (Loves!)

"Sing with me the sound of love."

Whoa. Wait. It's been a week since I last posted? Seriously? Where did that week go?

Oh right. BBW. Because I work retail and it's the holiday season. Needless to say, my life has been pretty consumed by work lately, so there's not much new to report. And in that case, I think I'll get straight to the gratitude:

Today, I'm grateful for:

• managing to stay somewhat sane during holiday craziness.
• yoga.
• the incredible opportunities coming my way from The 5th - I've been invited to watch the designer run-through of White Christmas tomorrow (so excited!), and next week the whole staff and the cast is having a tree-trimming party to get the lobby decked out for the season. It's going to be so much fun. I feel so grateful to the folks at The 5th for including me and welcoming me so warmly.
• the decision Clare and I have made to get our tattoos done together.
• unlimited texting.
• the SYTYCD tour this weekend!!! (And thank you to Anne and her folks for letting us crash at her house afterwards.)
• having a better idea of what to get people for Christmas this year and finding one very, very perfect gift.
• singing the sound of love.
• Aaaand this little gem, which you may have seen if you follow Jason Mraz's blog. Please enjoy this performance of "I'm Yours" on a Brazilian variety show, the highlight of which is definitely the background dancers. Oh yes, my friends... there are background dancers. And they make absolutely no sense. Wait, I take it back - the highlight is the "wtf?" face Jason makes through most of the performance. Just see for yourself.

Day 124: Just dance.

I have had the serious urge to do two things recently: dance and play football (separately). But lately, I've had to stick to dancing along to music in my room. Maybe I can convince Nate to throw the football around while I'm in Philly.

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally seeing Star Trek. Since I'm relaxing trying to get better by Saturday, I was in serious need of entertainment. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.
• things that make me laugh.
• good music.
• Glee. It makes me happy. Always.
• the holidays being not so far away.

Day 123: Relaxation

Today, I am grateful:

• Tuesday night television.
• a day of relaxation.
• old tee shirts.
• being this close to heading to Philly.
• photos.

Day 122: Sick Day

I am officially sick. Or I'm massively allergic to the craft store here in Hot Springs. Quite frankly, I'd rather be incredibly sick. But my mama is awesome, and she has dealt with my massive light-headedness and need to be seated at all times for fear of fainting by bringing me soup and renting The Ugly Truth.

I don't so much mind being sick. Besides being a massive pain in the ass, it's not exactly the worst situation to be in. But I'm volunteering on Saturday, and I need to be well in order to do that. By rule, I need to be healthy to do that. So I'm going to be lame for the next few days in hopes of being healthy and feeling energized on Saturday.

Today, I am grateful for

• soup and a movie from my mama.
• comfortable sweats.
• Countdown on MSNBC. I love.
• a good conversation with my mama while we were running errands. We've been having really honest discussions about my depression, and it's been really refreshing.
• Keith Olberman. In general. Genius.

Slow Day.

Things in my life have been...slow lately. Not much is going on. I work a few shifts here and there, help with ballroom twice a week, watch a lot of tv...In short, I'm kind of bored. So there's not much to post about. But today, I'm grateful for:

-Naps. I could not for the life of me fall asleep last night, and running on 2.5 hours of sleep sucks. Now I'm refreshed for our store meeting tonight.
-Toddler giggles. My mom and I had nursery duty at church today, and watching seven 2 year olds shriek "Bubbles! Bubbles!" and giggle non stop for 10 minutes could brighten just about anyone's day.
-Spritz cookies and toffee bars. Two baked goods my mom only ever makes around Christmas time, so when I see them on the counter, it makes me happy. Maybe I can persuade them to get a tree the day after Thanksgiving...
-Leverage. It's now my go-to feel good show. Always fun and funny, but able to bring some nice moments of dealing with the bigger issues that the flawed characters have.
-Unlimited texting. I would go crazy if I couldn't communicate with people all the time.

Now to go make sure my eyeliner didn't end up smudged on my temples thanks to my nap, sit through my incredibly thrillling store meeting, and then apply for a job at the bank where my friend works. I really need a job that's not retail.

Day 121: Early Christmas

For some odd reason, I was in total Christmas mode today. I went and got Christmas cards and found addresses (or asked for them) for everyone. I put a bunch of Christmas movies onto my Netflix instant queue, and then I looked around for a gift for my "person" on my mom's side of the family. (We draw names every year to see who gives to who.) Now I'm planning on relaxing with the dogs and planning out my project for tomorrow, which is also for Christmas.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Belgian chocolate cups. Little bits o' heaven. Seriously.
• Hot Springs being all Christmas-ed out. Thanks, HSNP, for catering to my mood today.
• the new immersion blender that my parents got me as a pre-Christmas present. I can't wait to use it.
• Rufus really becoming part of the family.
• Costco. For serious. There isn't one here on the Ark, so my parents went to the one in Memphis yesterday. So I have all of this amazing goodness around the house today to work with.

Day 120: Madly

Today, I am grateful for:

• a phone chat with Manda today!
• a day on my own.
• assurance.
• Doby's adorableness.
• some exciting things coming in the future. (Sweden in '11!)

Day 119: To Write Love On Her Arms

Today was national To Write Love On Her Arms Day, so the first thing I did after my shower was grab a bright blue highlighter and scrawl "Love" across my left wrist.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with in, TWLOHA is a non-profit that was set up to combat depression, cutting and suicide. It's a beautiful mission that I am so grateful someone took on. While explaining the organization to my mom, I visited their website and read her their vision. I found myself getting a little choked up just reading it. Hope is something that gets taken for granted a lot in life, and I find it incredibly inspiring that someone would make hope their life's mission, especially in the face of depression.

Hope is something that has come and gone for me. And it comes and goes for a lot of people. (Most people, I would think.) There are days when I don't want to keep living and days when I don't want to face the world, and there are days when I am completely hopeless. And when those days come around, it's hard to remember the days when I was excited for life or ecstatic about something. Hopelessness is an all-consuming feeling.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• TWLOHA. I encourage everyone to visit their website and become familiar with their cause. It's a spectacular one, and it's an inspiring one. And it opens up so many lines of communication. In explaining the organization to my mother, we ended up having a discussion about my depression that we hadn't had before.
• my mom's old guitar. I've claimed it as my own, and plan on spending the weeked teaching myself to play songs besides the ones I've written.
• hot chocolate. It was fairly cold today by my new Ark standards, so it was nice to curl up with a giant mug of hot chocolate to reheat myself.
• Ghost Bros tonight! I'm all excited because I think this is the episode where Zach totally freaks out. Mean, I know. But I fully admit to looking forward to it.
• a relaxing, artsy weekend ahead of me. I'm planning on spending the next two days writing, playing guitar and working with clay and stained glass.

"There's no place like hope."

Day 118: Mango Martinis

I've been randomly sick for the past few days with I don't really know what. But I've been light-headed a lot, so sleep has been my best buddy. As such, not much is really going on in my life. But today is/was my dad's birthday, so we went out to dinner at Olive Garden, and it was nice to spend a night being a family. I've made no secret of not having the best relationship with my father, but things have been good recently, and tonight felt like we were just a regular, functional family. So I am grateful for that.

Today, I am also grateful for:

• mango martinis.
• ending the night curled up under a fleece blanket while hanging out with the family and the dogs and watching MSNBC.
• silver ballet flats.
• sleeping for most of the day.
• feeling cute today.

Veteran's Day

First and foremost, I want to celebrate this Veteran's Day by offering my gratitude to anyone and everyone who has risked their life for this country, our freedom, and our safety. My grandfather is a veteran; my uncle served in the navy and my aunt is a navy nurse. Regardless of how I (or you, for that matter) feel about our country's current military situation, I think we can all respect and appreciate what our veterans have done. It saddens me that this holiday has become largely a day of celebrating no school and big retail sales when it should be all about offering gratitude and remembrance! Today I'm grateful for our veterans. How 'bout you?

I'm also grateful for:

• having a really great evening - first, the live video chat Jason Mraz did for his fans (which was too short, but still awesome), then SYTYCD, a new Glee, and ANTM. It wasn't a particularly eventful or unusual night, but it was a good one.
• having a better day at work today.
• iambeinglove.blogspot.com. It's the new blog of Tricia, resident "joyologist" for Jason Mraz and his band on tour. If you follow Jason on twitter, you know Tricia is the one doing the tweeting, posting quotes of the day, inspiration, etc.... so it's awesome to be able to read full-sized blogs filled with her own loving, gracious, joyful thoughts.
• getting back into some genuine literature. I've read a lot of fluff since graduation - not saying that's bad; it was a welcome change - but it's nice to delve back into one of my favorite writers, Paulo Coelho, with The Witch of Portobello and Brida. I love that his writing is fictional, but also metaphysical and philosophical.

Day 117: Pencil Full of Lead

Today, I am grateful for:

• people putting up with my massive trend of girliness lately. Much appreciated.
• fleece blankets.
• my mom's chicken and dumplings.
• my black pumps.
• the Cookie Sutra. (It's amusing...)

Relief

Ever since my big decision about what to do with the rest of my life after I graduate I just feel unadulterated relief. It's quite possibly the best feeling ever. I'm already making plans and setting things up for my move back and it's a wonderful feeling. To be cliche: there's NO place like home. For reals. It will be nice to do what I want and figure some things out for myself. Plus my family won't be four states away! It's a great feeling.

Today the Gratefulness Abounds:

• Catching up with some friends who were gone for a bit.
• Reconnecting with my old voice teacher---I'm hoping it'll be a good fit after I move back.
• Trading babysitting for lessons! Yes please.
• Staying true to myself. Lots of shady stuff is going down right now and I've decided to let that slide off my back and just be myself. That's all I can do.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day and I'm singing in a program at a senior living center. It's funny because sometimes I just lose sight of such important events and music brings these events to the forefront. Tomorrow I will be oh so grateful for all that the armed forces do for me especially in light of all that is going on in our world. One day peace will be the path chosen, I'm just sure of it. Good night all!

Day 116: "One has."

I am grateful for:

• having dogs that rush at me when I get home after being gone all day.
• today's shopping trip into Little Rock after I woke up way too early to spend the morning at my neighbor's arraignment because her dog attacked me and the neighborhood dogs.
• cute new earrings.
• being able to answer my neighbor's question of "Why hasn't some guy snatched you up yet?" with "One has."
• plans for the future.

Day 115: "You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak..."

I am grateful for:

• the above picture. There's something about it that I find calming.
• chatting with Clare last night. (Love you, babe!)
• catching up with my cousin, Pam, today.
• sparkling apple cider.
• gigantic coffee mugs.

Day 114: Cozy Sunday

Today feels cozy for some reason. It wasn't particularly cold or overcast or anything like that, but it just felt like Fall today. I took the dogs into town and then did some errands with my mom, but now I'm just curled up in my Harstad sweatshirt watching the Giants game before dinner.

I always forget how cozy I feel curled up in a hooded sweatshirt reading or watching television. It won't be consistently cold for a while, but nights get fairly cool, so maybe this can be a nightly ritual or something. I'll make some hot chocolate later after I've enjoyed some Mad Men.

Today, I am grateful for:

• comfy hooded sweatshirts.
• Rufus adapting so well and so quickly to being a house dog.
• Sunday football. Football is definitely my favorite sport to watch. (And probably my favorite to play.) I love.
• finally figuring out what I'm going to do with my grandfather's collection of stained glass.
• the prospect of a shopping splurge in the near future.

November 7th

I've got to admit, today was one of those "you've got to choose your attitude" days. And I chose bitchy.

I know, I know. Not in the spirit of positivity. In my defense, it was not unprovoked - work was super crazy busy and no matter what I did, the manager I worked with made me feel like I was never working hard enough. It was the first day in a while that I felt unappreciated at my job.

Anyway, my point is that I'm acknowledging my choice of attitude today and now making an effort to change my outlook for the rest of the night. I'm not going to let this whole day be a bust. (My rum and coke is helping here.)

It's been a less than stellar day, but not one without gratitude. Today I'm grateful for:

• coming downstairs this morning and discovering a hot breakfast of sausage, homemade hashbrowns, and some very strong coffee. Thank you, mama.
• several customers who thanked me for my help today. Working in retail has made me realize how rarely we thank those people who are responsible for every-day services. Thank everyone you encounter in your daily life for SOMETHING, regardless of whether the act was large or small. Ask that barista or that cashier how their day is going. Smile. It makes a difference. And it'll make you feel good too.
• music.
• Victoria's Secret sleep-shirts. So comfy.
• The Fug Girls. (Schadenfreude...)
• rum.

Day 113: Possibilities

I am grateful for:

• the amazing possibilities that I'm looking at as far as life after the Ark. It's incredibly calming and exciting to know that there is an after that will be just as great as the before. A permanent Seattle reunion is in the works, and I couldn't be more grateful!
• Wii chilling with the girls. Whether it's Friday nights of bro-in' it up, television quotes, inside jokes or just chatting, I love that I'll be coming back to amazing friendships and amazing people.
• raspberry filled donuts (complete with chocolate glaze). They're my favorites, and my mom brought me some when she got back from her errands today.
• wanting to smile so much lately. It's been the little things lately, and they've really been making my days.
• music that says what I've been trying to articulate. It's the closest thing to a spiritual experience when I find an artist who can express what I'm feeling better than I can.

Decisions, Decisions

This week has been undoubtedly the most crazy, shocking, life-altering week for me. For reals. Luckily I've been house/dog-sitting for a friend this week and it's been beyond amazing to just chill by myself with the cutest dog you've ever seen. It's peaceful and I've been able to let things roll around in my head for awhile. It's really funny cause we always think we know what we're going to do with our lives. OK, correction: I always think I know what I'm going to do with my life. And let me be very clear that this week totally effed that up. It's really a blessing though because I've realized it's time to just TAKE A BREAK. I've been in school my entire life and I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I need a little friends and fam time in my life. It's reeeeal difficult not having people in my everyday life that aren't my TRUE friends. And to be even more honest I need my friends that don't live and breathe music. I currently live with two other musicians and all of my friends here are musicians except for like two of them and it just. gets. old. I'm over it and I actually need some more time for my voice to develop so why not go home, hunker down and live a little?

I'm beyond excited especially since I'm thinking of living in Seattle which I've always wanted to do AND I'm thinking it's gonna happen with the bestie, Sam. So, let the adventure begin. The adventure where I let go of the reigns of my life and live a little (SCARY!). Bring It.

I'm Grateful Today For:

• Deciding and feeling at peace about it.
• Potential best friend roommate.
• Getting out of FoCo and letting these past two years sink in a little bit.
• Reconnecting with friends and spending time with my family in the near future.
• Being patient. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Although I kinda "Want it now!" like the Black Eyed Peas song goes...but I keep reminding myself: Be Patient!
• Potentially doing a summer program in AR! WOOT!
• Getting new glasses. I went to a frame place and found THE cutest frames and showed them my prescription and the lady was like alright we can get these done in an hour. Wha? Um. Is this like one hour photo? It was totes cray cray. But I get to pick them up tomorrow!
• Not having to rush to fill out forms and make recordings for auditions I'm not ready for. Sigh 'o' Relief.

Good night ladies! I'm off to hulu it up for a while.

Day 112: Home is where the heart is.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the prospect of moving back to Seattle next year!
• the prospect of living with Amy when I do!
• secret sauciness.
• the Ghost Bros.
• how gorgeous Hot Springs is.

LoveLoveLove

Day 111: The Generation Twenty-Somethnig

I feel a lot more at ease with my head space today. It's less jumbled and a lot more apt to take things on. I'm not sure why I didn't take a night like last night sooner after returning from Seattle. I think what it all came down to was that I hadn't taken the time to process everything that has happened. I was so focused on not breaking down, that I moved past things completely.

Last night was definitely only half serene. There were scented candles, good music and an excellent bath. But there were also video games and a chat with Amy. It ended up being a really good mix.

I've still got some processing to do, but I don't see that as a bad thing. It's weird to think how much has happened in the past few months. I hadn't realize how many things had been crammed into some a small time period.

I apologize to those who know me if I seem a little reclusive in the next day or so. In the truest sense, "it's not you; it's me."

Today, I am grateful for:

• Kerrigan & Lowdermilk. I've been playing their music all day.
• sunshine.
• the deck off my bedroom.
• Amy's visit over Christmas.
• comfy winter boots.

Day 110: Re-Zen

Despite having a perfectly wonderful day, I'm having a sort of off night emotionally. I'm not really depressed, I don't think. I'm just feeling much more reclusive than normal. Even after spending the day at Lake Ouchita Park with Rufus and looking at the lake and then cooking a really tasty and healthy dinner, all I want to do is sit in my room and let music wash over me.

I've been feeling the need to recenter myself lately. I've just been feeling a bit off every now and then. Not that I'm not perfectly happy for most of my days recently (despite a recent low caused by missing a day of medication). But for some reason, when I get time to think, something just doesn't feel right.

And I think tonight's mood is the perfect kick in the ass to do something about it. Since I have about four hours until my chat with Amy (Can't wait!), I think I'm just going to light some candles, draw a bath and get my mind right. Then I'm going to put on a playlist of good music and some meditation and see if I can work out these cranial kinks.

I don't think anything is wrong; I just want to make things a little more right.

I am grateful for:

• a gorgeous day walking Rufus on Lake Ouchita.
• an 80 degree day of sunshine in November.
• feeling really healthy after tonight's dinner.
• having tonight to reboot.
• how much he makes me smile.

Day 109: Fall Color

Today, I am grateful for:

• a gorgeous fall day. The leaves were falling like crazy.
• amazing music.
• time in the kitchen.
• our amazing neighbors. They heard about my grandmother's death and brought over flowers, muffins and fresh peppers. It was so sweet.
• a restful day.

Rough Day

Hey Ladies (and anyone else who stumbles on this lovely blog)...today has been, well, rough. Life has kind of gotten out of control to the point where I'm like wait, it's November? I've already promised myself that November is going to be the month of productiveness. I've decided to apply for Artist Diploma programs which is essentially a program to stay in school longer and prolong paying those pesky loans and also to bridge the gap between school and the professional world. Needless to say the application process for school doesn't get any easier and it's super competitive out there, so I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I have three schools I'm looking at and I hope it's enough. But today I found out I didn't get cast at all in a show that had the perfect role for me. I'm confused, upset, and tired. I'm tired of this, and unfortunately this is my life. My whole life is going to be one BIG AUDITION. I don't know that I'm prepared for that. How does one pick themselves up brush off the negativity and disappointment and continue on their way? It's just friggin' hard is all. So. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and I'm trying to find the positive in my life. Trying.

I'm grateful for:

• My mom. She always listens to me.
• My friends who have offered chocolate and ribs & ice cream for my pain. (Love it).
• For the new website that Sam introduced me to via Kelli. Thanks you two! Super cute website: www.offbeatbride.com
• Chick-fil-a. DELISH! A new one opened up here and it made national news cause the first 100 people got free chicken sandwiches for a year and they camped out during the snow storm. It snowed at least a foot/foot & a half of snow. They were COMMITTED.
• Going home for Thanksgiving. I'm holding onto that right now and am hoping that all of my productiveness will happen before the trek home.

Well ladies, thanks for this venue and for sharing yourselves with me. I read the page more than I contribute and it's fun to read what is going on in your lives. Sending love and good vibes to all of you!

"Anything you want can be yours at any time."

I'm grateful for:

• getting to relive the Gratitude Cafe Tour experience anytime I want thanks to Jason Mraz's new live cd/dvd, Beautiful Mess - Live on Earth. My copy came in the mail today (and I literally squealed, which triggered some strange looks from my family...), I watched it tonight, and I highly recommend it. So. Good. Beautiful music beautifully filmed. It just makes you feel good.
• accidently sleeping 'til noon.
• the sun illuminating the autumn leaves.
• feeling like a very accomplished chef when I tried a new recipe for dinner tonight and it turned out amazing.
• Sam, for sharing tattoo tips and being totally game for going with me to get my first tattoo whenever she comes back to Washington in the next month or two. Having her there will make the experience so much better, and will hopefully calm my fears. (Sam, I apologize in advance for the pain I will inevitably inflict squeezing your hand.)
• maybe going to bed before 1 am for once?...... We'll see.
• getting my wings ready.
• LOVE. In all forms.

Day 108: NaNoProcrastinating

Kelli and I are both participating in National Novel Writing Month this year. We decided to do it together to challenge ourselves, and yesterday was Day One. So today, I procrastinated like you wouldn't believe. I played with the dogs, went back to bed, watched some NCIS, got in a good work out, grabbed some sushi and listened to a bunch of music. I need to write about 1,500 more words tonight...

Today, I am grateful for:

- the NaNoBuddySystem that Kelli and I have going on.

-working at a slow pace but really liking the work that's coming out of it.

-Tristan Prettyman. I've been listening to "Madly" all day, and it makes me happy.

-having successfully smuggled new shoes into my closet last night.

-Amy referring to me as "Sad Panda." It totally made my night.

Day 107: Hooker Boots and Hopes

I actually managed to escape my house for a fair portion of the day today. (Victory is mine.) It was a gorgeous All Saint's Day, so my mom and I decided to take Sophie and walk around downtown Hot Springs. There's this gorgeous path that goes by the main park downtown and right behind Bath House Row.

It gave me a sort of reverse homesickness. It was such a gorgeous day, and downtown Hot Springs is truly beautiful in a Stars Hollow sort of way, so instead of wishing I was back in Seattle, I wished that all of my Seattle friends could come see Hot Springs. I wish that I didn't live so far away and that visits were more feasible because there really are things to show off down here.

Lauren, Kelli and I have been talking about how much we need another photo day, and as I was walking today, I kept seeing all of these places that would make amazing photos. But the chances of having a full-scale day like that here on the Ark are incredibly slim, and that makes me sad in a way.

I can't wait for Amy's visit in December. There are so many places that I want to take her and so many things I want to show her.

I'm hoping that more people can eventually make their way down here.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a gorgeous day in Hot Springs.
• being Rule 15ed by my mother and having it result in new black pumps and a bangin' new pair of hooker boots.
• getting out of the house.
• having (what I think is) a really cool idea for NaNoWriMo. It's ending up being really cathartic, and I'm oddly proud of it already.
• finding out that Justin kept all of the Philadelphia pictures that I sent him while I was visiting my brother.

"A lesson from the Bro-athon: Don't wear heavy makeup when using night vision. You look like the ghost of strippers past."

It's been a pretty uneventful week (hence the lack of posting); I spent most of it working, either up at The 5th offices or at BBW. Luckily things picked up this weekend with All Hallows Eve and NOMT.

Here are some things I'm grateful for today:

• Getting to intern for some really awesome people at The 5th. Everyone there is so incredible at what they do, so professional, and yet also so fun. We had "cookie time" instead of a usual coffee break this week; five of us walked over to Specialty's Bakery for warm cookies. Fantastic.
• The original 1992 Buffy The Vampire Slayer Movie. Kelli and I watched it the other night.... it's so bad that it's amazingly awesome.
• The Ghost Bro-athon with Kelli and Sam (long distance, sadly) on Friday night. Such a great way to lead up to Halloween.
• NOMT. Congrats again to Clare and the cast for putting together an excellent show.
• Halloween - it's usually not a holiday I really get into, but I had a lot of fun this year. Loveloveloved my hippie costume... the dress is so comfy; I just want to wear it all the time and dance everywhere I go. Plus it inspired Clare to pull me up onstage for Aquarius. :) Went to the APO Halloween party, which was surprisingly chill but fun. And I got to see a few friends I hadn't seen in a long time. All in all, it was a really good night.
• Seeing Gidget so ridiculously happy when I gave her a new plush squeeky toy.
• The extra hour of sleep daylight savings time gave me last night
• Starting this November with beautiful weather and a day off from work.