Day 99: Fast fast

Today was one of those days where I decided to bust out a dress and the stiletto hooker boots (my ass-kickin' boots, as Erin calls them) for no apparent reason. Well, no apparent reason at the time.

I've been struggling with my body image issues a lot lately. Something about losing my grandmother (and eventually Peter) triggered my control issues majorly. I ended up lying in bed a few nights ago crying to my mother that I was fat and that I ate too much. Now, I honestly believe those two things to be facts, but I'm willing to admit that they may be open to interpretation. But that doesn't do anything to fix things.

I feel...frumpy. And chub-tastic. And unattractive. And. And. And. I could go on.

Every woman has those days. Mine are just a bit different. They end in starvation. And while part of me is willing to do that if it means I can be skinny again, part of me says that's not a good idea. The first part of me doesn't actually give a damn.

So I compromised. In a way. I'm doing what I call a Fast fast. I'm making myself eat one meal a day. (Today it was sushi.) And then I have Slim Fast shakes once or twice a day to keep my nutrient intake up. I should also probably take my vitamin again.

Part of me knows that I sound crazy right now and that everyone's reaction is going to be to tell me to eat. (That reaction hurts more than helps, by the way. See: Wandering Gypsy) But it's what I have to do. It's how I need to survive.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Slim Fast shakes.
• Kelli getting hooked into NCIS.
• dresses and hooker boots. They have magical powers. I'm telling you.
• possibly going boot shopping tomorrow.
• honestly feeling cute today.

"Quality real estate. That's what those boys are."

I'm grateful for:

• having a fellow ghost nerd in Sam. We're actually excited about the Travel Channel's Halloween-eve Ghost Adventures special. What can I say... you gotta love the Ghost Bros.
• Halloween being right around the corner and having a costume and a place to party this year!
• pumpkin. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, pumpkin pasta..... not all at once, of course. It's my favorite seasonal comfort food.
• Victoria's Secret sweats. I had one of those shifts at work today that felt twice as long as it actually was, so it's been really nice to hang out in my sweats since I got home.
• feeling successful in my internship after one week. I've been given a long list of things to work on, I've found a few resources, and I feel like I've made a good connection with my boss. It's funny, yesterday I was asked to help out another department by copying scripts and music and stuffing packages for actors... and though that sounds tedious and boring, I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if it was the "accomplished feeling" or just being able to make someone else's job a little easier or what. But it's a sure sign that this is exactly what I should be doing right now.
• the amazing perks that come with this job - like free tickets.
• the affirmations posted on Jason Mraz's twitter. They encourage me to stay on track with my gratitude.

Day 98: "Live without warning."

So yesterday's mood has officially passed. It's understandable that yesterday was a little rough because of my grandmother's service, but I was worried the mood would be semi-permanent. I'm grateful that it was not.

I've been waking up to all sorts of awesomeness, from texts that make me smile to Facebook posts that make me feel special. They're little things that start my day off in the right direction and make me feel connected to the part of my life that is still in Seattle. Small gestures are the ones that are the most amazing to me. There's something about knowing that a person doesn't have to go out of their way to think about you. You're just on their mind.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• small (but amazing) gestures.
• rediscovering Green Day's Warning album. The title song's chorus has me singing "Warning / Live without warning." So wise, Green Day. So wise.
• getting to talk to Gabri today. I miss that girl.
• music swapping.
• happiness.

Having The Fam in my corner

I definitely do not love and appreciate my family enough. Today my mom started something new with my brother and me: Encouragement emails. My mom and brother decided that this way we can be there for each other in a better way than just my mom and I texting or my brother and I texting. It's brilliant and actually made me cry a little bit. The written word is so powerful and it was wonderful to see how supportive they are. It's hard to remember your family and who they are when you're so far away from them. It's especially difficult right now because my brother just got married and he's stressed about being married and being a real adult. Crazy stuff. My mom's struggling with both of us being gone for reals and I of course am in the middle of the U.S. questioning my life decisions. All in all, we could ALL use some encouragement. It's just nice to know and be reminded of the fact that they're there. I love them to pieces. There's even talk of all of them coming out in March to see the opera.

Anyways, tonight is my last night as the First Lady which is exciting and sad all at the same time.

And so I'm grateful for:

• My family.
• The ability to perform.
  
• Planting musical seeds in children. There's a program at CSU where third graders come to the arts building and experience theater, art, dance, and music. We taught them about recit today and it was the best. They're so eager and willing to learn and by the end of our two hour sessions with different groups they had a good grasp of recit and didn't want to leave. It was the best.
  
• Not completely sucking at French. I had an oral exam today and was super nervous about it but it wasn't that bad at all. (Le sigh!)
  
• TV. It's my biggest escape and I love it. It's always on--I just love the noise.
  

Have a lovely weekend ladies!

Day 97: Lighting A Candle

Today was my grandmother's memorial service in Seattle. I was/am in Arkansas.

It got to me even more than I thought it would that I couldn't be at the church with the rest of the family to mourn the loss of my grandmother. She never would have missed it if the roles were reversed. And all I could do was go to chapel here and light a candle for her.

So today was a little bit of a struggle for gratitude. It was hard to get past not being in Seattle and the concrete loss of my grandmother. But there are some little things, and some days, it's the little things that count.

Today, I am grateful for:

• being able to light a candle at St. John's for my grandmother. It's the closest thing to a spiritual experience I've had in a long time.
• Leverage on Netflix instant streaming. I needed to just sit back and cheer myself up a little, and that let me do it. Plus, my parents watched with me, so it became family time, and I didn't even have to talk to my father.
• emailing with my college roommate's mom. I know that sounds weird, but she really took me in as one of her own when my family moved away, and i felt bad that I had lost touch, so I emailed her today and heard back tonight.
• internet shopping. I had to hide my credit card because there's so much I want to buy, but it was nice to see what's out there since I do need to invest in some staple pieces.
• my XBOX360. It's how we get Netflix instantly, and I'm a little addicted to one of the Burnout games right now.

Day 96: Sweetness

Today, I am grateful for:

• good road trip music.
• waking up to subtly sweet texts.
• green eye shadow.
• knowing how to use green eye shadow correctly.
• my FoCo rings.

Day 95: Sid

FACT: I bought my dog a stuffed animal today that looks like some sort of sloth/rhino hybrid.
FACT: I named him Sid after the character in Ice Age.

FACT:My day was pretty boring besides shopping for dog toys.

My list of gratitude for the day includes:

• spending a little time shoe shopping. I didn't buy today because I need to care for my bank account, but I found really cute boots and may cave.
• having a buddy for NaNoWriMo.
• feeling pretty cute today.
• french bread french toast.
• "for fuck's sake." It's really fun to say and has a certain edge to it. (Never underestimate the power of alliteration.)