Day 179: Class and Glitter

I haven't totally bounced back from yesterday's wonderful little meltdown. I'm less emotional about it, but I still feel tres huge and am still craving a normal life more than I can possibly express. (For those of you tempted to say that normal doesn't exist, let me clarify: "Normal consists of not feeling the need to lie to get out of eating, feeling comfortable sitting down without it making you feel fat and not periodically breaking down because, in your mind, you're two raspberry bismarks away from Biggest Loser contention.)

But today is a little better, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be better still.

Today, I am grateful for:
* Operation Slut-Bomb. It's most excellent. Don't let the name fool you.
* Kelli, who talked me through tonight's meltdown.
* Rufus, who has guarded me since said meltdown.
* bed. It's comfy.
* tambourines. I'm a tad obsessed...

Day 178: No bueno.

After a fight with my mother I have: cried on my bathroom floor for an hour, refused to sit up because it made me feel fat, eaten six slices of pizza, watched an hour of Chuck, attempted to get my flirt on and made myself throw up the aforementioned slices of pizza.

I hate days like today when I realize that a normal life probably isn't in the cards for me. I hate second guessing all of my life's plans because I'm not sure if I can achieve them with these breakdowns. I hate wondering if I should warn The Boy off now because he can't possibly want to be with someone as screwed up as I am. And I hate that it's going to be so hard to get in a car with my mother on Thursday to drive to Maryland when all I should be focusing on is the memorial service for my aunt.

I hate living like this. But I don't see anything changing long term. And that makes me feel completely hopeless.

I wish I had gratitude to offer today, and I'm sure, at one point, I did. But I can't put my finger on it right now, so all I want to do is work out and go to sleep. Maybe I can forget this ever happened.

Day 177: Ginger Vanilla

I'm pretty sure the best thing about baths is the complete privacy. No one asks if you come here for a second or tries to chat. No one knocks on the door to see if you can do this or that. At most, someone comes to check if you're still above water. So for however long you stay in there, it's just you.

My bedroom connects to a bathroom that has a bath tub that has already had its praises sung many times. I'm a big fan of lighting a bunch of candles and letting them be the only light in the room as I submerge myself in warm water. But tonight, it was even more perfect because I haven't been able to quiet my mind lately. I haven't been overly stressed, and I'm not aware of an imminent mental breakdown that needed warding off, but my mind just hasn't shut off for the past few days.

But in the light of the candles and the warmth of the tub, I could let my mind run uninterrupted. And now that my thoughts have run their course, I can move on to new ones, even better ones.

Today, I am grateful for:

• long baths.
• all of my scented candles (including the one from L that smells heavenly).
• waking up to a reason to smile.
• statement pieces.
• new motivation to work out more regularly.

"Does this make me look homeless?"

Today, I'm grateful for:

• RENT rehearsals. They're the best part of my day.
• my incredible cast-mates. Other than one gal (who's attitude and work ethic is... well, less than ideal) everyone is so nice, so supportive of each other, funny, and ridiculously talented. I'm grateful to have gelled with all of these new people so quickly.
• being recognized and appreciated.
• music that forces you to get up and dance.
• having K as my own personal costumer. I'm excited to (hopefully) check out the thrift stores tomorrow.
• my nectarine mint candle, which is currently lit on the table next to me. Smells soooo good. It's like a little bit of summer even though it's freakin' cold and grey outside.

Day 176: Operation Air Drums

Today, I am grateful for:

• Operation Air Drums.
• music that I can dance to.
• having Sophie back after her two day stay at the vet's.
• the way cooking dinner tonight made the whole house smell like ginger.
• photos.

Day 175: Reasons to Smile

Today, I am grateful for:

• playing video games with my dad tonight. We don't have the best relationship, so it was nice to just play around and laugh with him tonight.
• texting with Amy about episodes of Lost. Seriously, J.J. Abrams (in the words of Natalie Portman): Who is your dealer, and does he need more customers?
• all the pictures Amy took on the Ark.
• the multiple fleece blankets that keep me warm at all times. It's about twenty-two degrees outside.
• finding someone so amazing.

Day 174: Will you fly me away? Take me away with you, my love.

Today, I am grateful for:

• a Chuck marathon.
• the smell of freshly baked french bread.
• the sweet way that Rufus is worried about Sophie.
• amazing conversations that make me smile.
• texting.