Day 75: "My grief place is a slutty place."

Today has been an amazing day. I didn't have expect to have a good day while I was in town, quite frankly, but today was happy and energizing and everything that I needed.

For starters, I had coffee with Kelli to this morning/afternoon. Sitting at a corner Starbucks in Columbia City, we got to catch up and nerd out and just chat in a way that is so hard to do through texting or over Facebook. It felt so good to see her in person and be able to hug her and hear her laugh. We're crazy. But we're awesome.

From there, it was off to Kirkland and then Tacoma to see my cousin play for her high school volleyball team. It was a fun ride chatting with my aunt, and Emma (my cousin) and I are so much alike despite being so different. It's amazing how similar we can be growing up in different households and with somewhat different interests. She's a cool kid. And an amazing young woman.

So, today, I am grateful for:

• Kelli driving all the way to Columbia City to see me. Best morning I've had in a while.
• all of the old photos of my grandmother I saw today. I really do look so much like her.
• good meals with my aunt, uncle and cousin. Tina (my aunt) is a great cook, and it's just been great family time.
• Jason Mraz. I've been listening to him a lot while I'm here. "Beautiful Mess" is still my favorite song. I can't even explain how comforting his music is.
• family time. I've needed it.

Thanks to everyone for the good vibes. Love to you all.

Where I go, when I go there...

It has been FAR too long since I've posted. And I have had so much to be grateful for in the last week. It has been a trying week emotionally and physically, but such a good one at the same time. Sometimes the weeks that have the highest highs and the lowest lows are the best. Yesterday for instance I was stuck in a strange 'existential limbo'. That whole question of "what am I doing with my life?" was at the forefront and really becoming a problem. It is still bothering me, but then last night I went to NOMT dance rehearsal.

I taught the choreography for Touch Me. It is beautiful. It is the best song ever written and the best piece I have ever choreoraphed. And all my dancers in it are incredible. It was such a blessing to get to live in that song for three hours and I can't wait to work it again tonight.

So, with that, I'm off to watch SYTYCD. Another thing to be grateful for, and then off to review all 13 (YES 13) Dances we've learned so far.

But first, a short list:

• So You Think You Can Dance being back on. Beautiful.
• Spring Awakening. Particularly Touch Me.
• My cast. They are really what is getting me through this semester.
• Dance. Which I never would have truly rediscovered if I hadn't come to PLU.
• My friends. You all know who you are and I love you.
• Relationships. While I'm not in one at the moment and kinda frustrated with that, I'm trying to see the beauty in my friends' relationships and be happy for them. Like Noam and Angie. They are adorable together and I hope it works out for them. :)

Namaste.

Day 74: Vehicular Douchebaggery

In a sense, today was better than yesterday. I had my breakdown early while at Calvary Cemetery visiting my grandfather's grave. But I saw his grave and Uncle Mark's grave and just talked to them until things made more sense of less sense. Then I headed to hospice, where I still am, to be with my grandmother. She's tired today and only just woke up from an epic nap, but she held my hand for a while, and it's a memory I'm going to keep with me. Knowing that I could calm her down is a really touching thing.

So I've been exhausted all week, and apparently the less sleep I get, the more I swear. I yelled at a bus that cut us off on the freeway today and then grumbled, "I am in no mood for vehicular douchebaggery." Apparently, I'm back in "don't fuck with me" mode. [Insert your own Kathy Griffin "She'll Cut a Bitch" joke here."]

I guess my point is that I'm making it. I couldn't see being anywhere but here.

My list o' gratitude includes:

• sleeping in this morning. I had a head ache like a motherfucker, and it kind of went away.
• having hosts that enjoy swearing. It makes editing so much less necessary. And it's good for some laughs.
• this time with my grandmother.
• Advil. No joke. I'm taking four more right now.
• Justin's version of "I Think The Strange, The Crazed, The Queer" from Glass. I sang it to my grandmother to make her fall asleep. It's oddly perfect.

"What are you grateful for today?"

Those were the words Bushwalla asked the crowd last night. Lauren and I looked at each other and smiled. I felt a mix of surprise, excitement and a little bit of fate. He couldn't have picked a more perfect question of the day.

It had already been a more than usually fun day. The weather was beautiful, there was no traffic for our mini road trip, we had spectacular music to drive to, and I got to drive over 60 mph, an occurrence I always enjoy just a little. There had been coffee, fun conversations, I was wearing a cute shirt, and our seats were good. We had almost been run over by Bushwalla and were still taking joy in (and kicking ourselves over) our almost interaction with him.

The perfect question was just the beginning of what was a truly incredible, amazing, uplifting, fucking brilliant night. Bushwalla's couple of songs were a fun warmup, and G. Love and Special Sauce are a new and wonderful musical discovery for me. After the groovy, funny, sometimes raunchy, bluesy, dueling harmonica set from them, we were treated to some Michael Jackson while the crew set up for Jason. And what followed was about two hours of incredible talent, energy, and good spirits. Lauren and I sang, danced, didn't steal things, and had a wonderful wonderful time. Even being at home over 24 hours later, I'm still on a little bit of a high from it. That man knows how to throw a concert.

I say "throw" a concert because it felt so much more like a giant party than just a performance. For a couple of hours, we were all together, having fun and all a part of something special and memorable. We ended up having drinks in the hotel bar afterwards. I'm glad we did, because even as tired as I was, there was no way I would have been able to settle down right away. I was too excited.

So, in a very small list, I give you a vague recap of my gratefulness:
-Bushwalla's humor, qotd, and music.
-Finding new music and falling more in love with old favorites.
-Getting to spend time with one of my favorite people in the world.
-Best quote of Saturday afternoon/evening: "I apologize on behalf of your subconscious."

And as I get read to go sleep, this is the final reason I am grateful:

(You're welcome for the eye candy.)

"Did you know that Joseph Stalin was taken?!?"

Ah Friends. I have two roommates and one of them owns all 10 seasons of Friends while the other one and myself have not experienced watching Friends all the way through. So, we are. And it's been good times thus far. We've finally finished the first season which has taken us awhile...perhaps three-ish weeks. It's hard for all of us to be home to watch and for there to be nothing else to be on the TV. And tonight I witnessed Joey wanting to create a stage name for himself---and of course Chandler suggested Joseph Stalin. Excellent. Of course hilarity ensued. The best was Chandler's face whilst Joey became convinced that it was a good idea.

I have to say that I have a ridiculous amount of things to be grateful for, I just know that I find a way to NOT be grateful day to day. It's quite silly, really. How is it that I am incapable of holding onto the good things in my life? Hmm....mayhaps stress. And school and all that. But really I think it's the way that I have conditioned myself. It's so much easier to freak out (which I'm hella good at) and thusly I find myself spiraling into a shit storm of stress. Good. Times. So while I'm in my last year of school (FOR. EVER.) I need to refocus and recenter myself. I need to love all the moments of laughter (which I do. Totes) and the gems that happen throughout my day rather than the big life changing decisions that are breathing down my back. Le sigh. Easier said than done. With my birthday less than two weeks away I shall endeavor to do just that. Truly.

• Friends with my friends.
  
• My impending Quarter Life Crisis. For reals.
  
• The cocktail party for said crisis (It's gonna be redonkulous).
  
• The DE-lish cupcakes I ordered for said party.
• The cute boy I havea crush on. He's adorable.
  
• The birthday card I got in the mail today from my mom almost two weeks early. Gotta love the mom.
  
• New bras. I spent a lot of money, but hopefully it'll be worth it.
  
• Costume fittings for the opera (I'm grateful because this had never happened before here--no really. The woman who used to do the costumes would just like eyeball us and make it work. But it didn't work. At all.)
  
• The Invention of Lying. Can. Not. Wait. to see this movie. For reals.
  
• My friend/roomie's recital this Friday. It's gonna be legit and she's gonna be beautiful.
  
• My bed. It's beautiful. I love it.
  

Good night all! Sending love to you Sam!

Day 73

I am currently exhausted as fuck. It's been a long day of talking about my feelings, holding in my feelings and remembering that there are times when profanity is unacceptable. I don't mean to imply that there was anything overly bad about today, besides the obvious. It was just draining.

I am grateful for;

• my cousin, Emma. I forget how much I love her and enjoy spending time with her. She's a really cool kid.
• the San Francisco dress. I wore in today in hopes that looking good would help me feel good. I think it worked a little bit.
• dinner with my aunt, uncle and cousin. The silver lining to all of this is that we're getting in a lot of family time.
• crossword puzzles. I did them beside my grandfather's hospital bed before he died, and now I have a book of them for spending time with my grandmother.
• my over-sized cardigan. So. Comfy.

Destination Jason - The Gratitude Cafe Road-trip

Oh. My. Goodness! This weekend has left me exhausted, inspired, uplifted, and completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I can't imagine much that would have made this (belated) birthday any better. (And what I can, well... I'll leave that to you to... imagine for yourself.)

But seriously - dinner with Jacklyn, Kelli, and Clare on Saturday was lovely and just what I needed, and my trip to Portland with Kelli yesterday and today was absolutely fantastic. The custom mix cds made especially for our road-trip, the concert, drinks at the hotel, seeing Nick today - all wonderful. I am so grateful for good friends, good food, great music, and the incredible amount of positive energy that surrounded me the last three days.

I've been staring at my computer screen for the last fifteen minutes or so trying to figure out how to adequately describe just how insanely amazing the Jason Mraz concert was last night. And I'm not entirely sure I can. Here are the best descriptors I've come up with thus far: funky, sexy, soulful, joyful, beautiful, inspiring, uplifting, energizing, loving, GRACIOUS. Hopefully that gives you some sort of insight into the kind of evening Kelli and I had.

For starters, we almost walked right into Bushwalla while heading towards our seats. I guess he was hanging out with all the Gratitude Volunteers who were playing games, hula hooping, and just spreading the love throughout the arena. K and I definitely did a double take after he swooped past us, looked at each other and went, "... Was that Bushwalla?!?" Seriously awesome. I just wished we'd realized it was him sooner so we could wish him a good show or something.

Bushwalla warmed up the crowd with a couple of songs and MC'd the whole concert, along with guesting with Jason and G. Love & Special Sauce, the other opening act. If you love Jason Mraz and haven't gotten into Bushwalla yet, you must. Like Kelli said to me, he's sort of a baritone, soulful version of Jason. Check him out on iTunes or on his website. I particularly love his track "Acoustic Rhymer."

After Bushwalla, G. Love & Special Sauce (aka my new infatuation) took the stage. Again, if you've never heard them - and I hadn't until last night - I highly recommend them. Their music is hip-hop meets blues meets funk, with a lot of soul and some killer harmonica. "Peace, Love and Happiness" has a bouncy, joyful feel, while tracks like "Can't Go Back to Jersey" and "Booty Call" insist that you get up and dance. All of their albums (and there are many) can be found on iTunes or you can listen to every track in full on their website. (With handy lyrics that pop up along side.)

Jason's set was, of course, abso-fuckin-lutely amazing. He did a bunch of songs from We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things as well as some older favorites like "Unfold", "You and I Both," and new versions of "The Remedy" and "Curbside Prophet." He and Toca also performed a gorgeous duet written by Toca's brother called "Dear Anna"; Kelli and I are determined to find a recording somewhere, though I doubt it exists. (There are a few decent videos on youtube, I discovered, though you have to put up with screaming crowd noise.)

Anyway. Long story not at all short, I had some of the most fun I had in a long time last night. Thank you K, for sharing it with me, thank you to my mama for buying us tickets, and thank you Jason, Bushwalla, G. Love & Special Sauce, and the whole Gratitude Band for an incredible concert. I feel the love, and I am grateful.