Day 141: No guts; no glory.

Today, I am grateful for:

• the most amazing response I could have asked for from him.
• a little less stress.
• basically only two weeks until Amy gets here.
• getting a few Christmas decorations up today.
• some great recipes for the holiday season. I can't wait to try them.

Day 140: "No flag; no country."

I've been dreaming a lot lately, ever since I got to Philly. At first I thought it was triggered by holiday sweets, but those are gone, and the dreams are not. But Kelli brought up that they might be caused by stress, and that actually sounds like it might be a big part of it.

I've shared that my aunt has, barring a miracle, lost her battle with cancer. On a less important note, I'm really stressed about not knowing when or how I'm getting to Seattle before the holidays. And while the thought of not getting to see friends is extremely displeasing, the idea of not seeing my aunt is heartbreaking. And the thought of not seeing Phil is stressing me out something fierce. My brain is going through all of the "what ifs" that are within any sort of realm of possibility. Will he wait for me if I don't make it soon? Will he find someone else? Will we ever get to actually talk through everything and get together if we don't get to talk in person? And so much more.

So, yeah, I've been a little stressed. Some of it's silly, and some of it's founded. But it's all there, so today has been about distractions.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Jimmy Fallon's "best of" disc from SNL. It's got some great stuff.
• Eddie Izzard. I watched Dressed to Kill today and momentarily forgot about anything.
• my nervous energy translating into getting a lot of cleaning done.
• White Collar tonight.
• Ghost Bros. Friday nights.

"If you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep."

I have a week's worth of gratitude to catch up on, so I better get started. I'm grateful for...

• having my aunt here for the Thanksgiving weekend. I've really missed her since her job as a navy nurse moved her away from Washington.
• getting to spend time with Kim on Wednesday for her birthday celebration and getting to see several other friends there as well.
• witnessing a historical moment at The 5th last night as they flipped the switch to light up the theatre's beautiful new vertical marquee. Modeled after the original 1926 marquee (but now made with greener materials and energy-efficient light-bulbs), the new marquee brings that old magical feeling of the stage back to 5th avenue. It's really beautiful.
• be able to attend the opening performance of White Christmas at The 5th last night. It's a really fantastic production that just makes you feel warm and happy - and they actually make it snow on stage and in the audience at the end of the show! It was... magical. Magical and beautiful - that's the best way to describe it.
• bringing my mom to see the show; with the performance and dinner beforehand, I haven't seen her that happy in a long time. And even though I haven't been working specifically on White Christmas, it was awesome to introduce her to a couple of people I work with and show her what I'm so proud to be a part of.
• hilarious text conversations and really sweet texts. I know I've mentioned my gratitude for those before, but it bears repeating.
• finally receiving an initial rehearsal schedule for Rent. Things get started a week from Monday! Yay!
• getting a callback for The Wedding Singer at TMP. It's on Tuesday, so please send me any good luck vibes you have to spare! Thanks!

Day 139: Confidence Boosts

Today, I am grateful for:

• finally having the dog attack/court fiasco over with. We went to trial this morning and won, and now it's all over with. Thank goodness.
• having my aunt's name for what will probably her last Christmas. My mom's side of the family draws names, and then everyone has one person to get an awesome gift for. I love my aunt, so I was excited to get her name no matter what, but now it's even more special. I found a fabulous gift while in Philadelphia, and I'm mailing it tomorrow. I'm really excited but so emotional.
• having the guts to ask a tougher question that I feel like I need to know the answer to.
• realizing that some of my clothes actually look better with the weight I've gained. I put on a sweater after court today that I used to wear to work. And I think it looks a lot better than it used to. My silver shift dress feels the same way. As much as I want to lose some weight/tone up, it's nice to know that I have outfits to pull out on those days that I need a little confidence boost.
• being checked out by someone I was checking out. That was a nice little confidence boost too.

Day 138: Good Vibes, Please.

I could use some seriously good vibes right now, and so could my family. I just got the news that my aunt has lost her battle with cancer and is basically faced with the decision of when to die. So any spare prayers of vibes you have would be much appreciated.

Eileen was the first person to visit me in the hospital when I was born, and she's been a huge part of my life ever since. I can't believe I'm facing the rest of my life without her.

So today I am grateful for the little things that made my day start out well. While I'm feeling an absence of gratitude currently, the things I was grateful for earlier include:

• getting most of my Christmas cards done today.
• waking up in my own bed.
• the way Doby and Daisy reacted to us being home.
• Christmas stamps.
• hugs.

Returning to Gratitide

I know I've been MIA for a while, but I'm trying to return to gratitude. I've had a very hard time focusing on the positive and maintaining an attitude of gratitude lately. Since NOMT ended I have fallen into some very self-defeating behaviors and my eating disorder has come back with a vengeance. I was worried that night happen post-NOMT with my typical post show depresaion being worse than normal and not getting in to Judas and not having anything to focus my energy on. And I was all too right. I fell in to the worst depression of my life and I've been letting my eating disorder run my life. But I had a wonderful text conversation with Sam today and I an ready to take the steps to start taking control of my life again. Starting here. With returning to gratitude and love which are the most important. Really they are just manifestations of each other.
So today I'm grateful for:
-so you think you can dance. Between the tour and this season finally kicking in it brings so much joy to my life.
-knowing I have amazing friends who are there for me.
-realizing that sometimes I need to let things go and just do what is best for me
-Sam understanding what I'm going through and always being there with a helpful text
-Pooka. He is and always will be a constant source of joy in my life. Even when he takes over the bed and wakes me up way too early.

I'm coming back to life. Getting my wings ready. And I'm going to start with gratitude for everything. This breath.

Namaste.

Days 136 & 137: Two for One

I apologize for my lack of an offering yesterday. I promise I was practicing gratitude, but after driving from Philly to Bristol, Virginia, I was exhausted and just collapsed on my bed when I reached the hotel.

But now I'm back in Hot Springs, and while I plan on going to bed rather soon, I felt the need to offer my gratitude.

The past two days I have been grateful for:

• unlimited texting.
• my ipod.
• Paula Cole and Paolo Nutini. They kept me good company on the road.
• navigation systems. This meant I could direct my parents based on the Tom Tom instead of MapQuest directions.
• my chest pains not being more severe.
• Kelli's and my awesome system of helping each other in life and love.
• arriving home to a package containing Phil's Christmas present (which I had to order) on the front step. I was worried it wouldn't get here in time.
• Rufus recognizing this as home.
• a good text conversation with Clare.
• being home and getting to sleep in my own bed tonight.