Song of Purple Summer

Today, I'm grateful for:

• getting a callback for Balagan's first regional production of Spring Awakening!!!
• my new-found addiction to Leverage.
• awesome, supportive friends who reassure me that I really can do it.
• gorgeous weather in the 80s all week.

729-77: Friday Night Lights

Today, I am grateful for:
* a new position at work.
* Phil's and my trip to Portland being perfectly wonderful.
* good friends.
* Leverage.
* Christina at work. She is saving my emotional ass.
* Amy being so happy.
* good books.
* great concerts.
* having so much less stress now.

Days 726-28: Abu

Today, I am grateful for:
* the Women's World Cup. I'm having so much fun watching.
* tickets the the 5th tonight with Phil (and Justin and Kirsten)!
* some good opportunities coming my way.
* dresses that make me feel pretty.
* good music.

Days 721-25: Fat Squirrel

I've been falling back into old habits lately. Bad habits to be exact. Part of me thinks/knows that's been a big reason I've been avoiding this practice; I'm afraid of getting caught. But the truth is: I struggle every day with my weight, my self esteem and the disease that ties them together. I'd love to say that after Walden Pond-ing it for two whole years, I feel a lot better, but life hasn't changed all that much. I have, but life hasn't, and it's hard not to reacclimate to the life I once knew.

For those loved ones I haven't seen in a while: apologies. I've been far too ashamed of myself to venture much past work or the occasional meeting. It hurts a lot to have gone away broken and realize that, even now, I'm only just bandaged.

It's times like these when I struggle with gratitude on a larger level. Sure, I'm thankful for the sunshine, but how much does that matter when I can't look at myself in the mirror? I suppose that's the big question (or at least the one I'm choosing to focus on): Are little bits of gratitude the gateway to "big gratitude" and, eventually, happiness? I ask this not knowing the answer.

But in the meantime, I'm still grateful for:
* sunshine.
* an amazing boyfriend.
* great friends.
* some opportunities hopefully on the horizon.
* finding a way.

Days 677-720: Long Time Gone

Life is a strange thing. It's ours - "our life" - but we have very little control over it. And for control freaks like me, that can be a problem. I turned 25 a few days ago, and I found myself having a quarter-life crisis, thinking about what I'd done and trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do. And the truth is: having a plan is good, but it's never something to count on because so much is out of our control. I keep thinking about how "you can't control the situation; you can only control how you handle the situation." That's something I need to practice with my gratitude. Phil has been a good influence on that. (He's far more relaxed than I am.) But I need to start owning it for myself.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the most amazing boyfriend.
* friends I can say anything to.
* wonderful, wonderful music.
* good conversation.
* girl-talk in the break room.
* high fives.
* finally getting my hair done.
* this strange sense of calm.
* love.

"I drink too much, I fall in love too fast / Obsessively collecting songs and details / Nothing's gone but nothing's lasting."

I haven't been feeling particularly grateful lately. You know how people say life is a rollarcoaster? Well, if that's the case, I've been in the car that's stuck on the track, waiting for hours for the repairman. I kind of feel like no matter what I do, I can't move forward. I have two jobs now, but I'm still barely making it financially. I'm in a show, but the process has been mostly arduous instead of rewarding. My love life is, let's be honest, non-existent.

Sometimes when I'm driving to work or rehearsal, I think about what it would be like to just keep driving and disappear for a few days. Could I reinvent myself? Would I meet that sexy and mysterious guy who's also a wandering spirit, like in the movies? Would my head and heart sort themselves out while heading down those long, quiet stretches of highway? Will I ever stop wanting more, or is this just my nature?

Jason Mraz wrote the following in a blog a little while back: "Gratitude can be a bitch to get sometimes. This is why it is called Practicing Gratitude - because it isn't easy - you have to practice." I think that rings especially true during times like this. When I'm fighting for contentment, I have to step back and remind myself of what IS good in my life. So. It's beautiful, warm, and sunny today; I'm wearing a dress and drinking iced coffee, and I'm taking the time to remind myself to be grateful for the little things. Life has a way of working itself out, even if it takes a lot longer than we'd like.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• music that's so good it transports you to another place. Kerrigan & Lowdermilk's "Our First Mistake" does that to me every single time.
• turning up the music in my car and dancing, not caring what anyone else thinks.
• the "happy opening night!" text my dad sent all the way from Germany.
• Kelli dealing with my bitchfest texts during tech week.
• "sexy-creepy" - the mood and motto of the Sweeney cast.
• Desperate Romantics on dvd.
• sundresses.
• working on being love for myself.

Days 658-76: What about everything?

So it's been a really, really long time. That wasn't intentional. I've just been busy settling into the new job. I've been getting used to the wonderful world of retail, and my feet have been getting used to it as well. I've been obsessed with the show 24 as a way to relax, and I have an addiction to teryaki. Other than that, I've been trying to see Phil as much as possible and trying to9 schedule outings with friends when I have the time. I even got to go out for beers with some of my work girls.

Oh yeah. And I just applied to community college to finish my degree. After a few years off to get my mind back, I finally feel like I can stay healthy while having a life again. It feels good.

Today, I am grateful for:
* how supportive Amy has been.
* my CSM at work. He's always there to talk to.
* getting my degree back on track.
* wonderfully patient friends.
* 24.

Days 650-57: May the Fourth Be With You

I am grateful for:
* Em asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Totally flattering. Totally sweet. Love my little sister.
* being employed! I have a job in retail that I actually think I'll really dig.
* people who make me laugh. There's really nothing more healing than a good laugh.
* NF Instant. Addicted.
* the wonderful Easter basket Phil's parents put together for me. It was really sweet of them to include me.

Days 642-49: American Idiot

I'm not a current fan of the job market. I trust that no one does. But I'm lucky. I've gotten some good bites and had the advantage of being in a position to turn a few people down. Just looking for something that'll feed my soul...

Meanwhile, I am grateful for:
* Phil's support through my job search.
* getting to see the girls now that I'm back.
* Netflix Instant.
* the perfect Earth Day date.
* musicals.
* some a-mazing job opportunities.

Days 632-41: Health, Wealth and Happiness

I am grateful for:
* Kathy being back in good health.
* my first Taste of Chicago.
* Portal.
* Kelli loaning me Leverage.
* getting to see Kelli!
* a perfect weekend.
* sunshine.
* Phil saying he'll do SlutWalk with me.
* having a Relay team.
* getting to watch the Hawks with Phil's family.

Days 627-31: Because I Said So

Being back in Washington is even more perfect than I thought it would be. Time with my guy. Time with my friends. And back in a community I love.

Today, I am grateful for:
* a mid-week sleepover!
* yesterday's sunshine and getting to take advantage of it in U Village with Mama and Becs.
* Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, The Roots and Taylor Hicks performing "Friday."
* getting to see Kim and L tomorrow for L's show!
* watching lacrosse on ESPN U while I paint my toe nails.

Days 623-26: Career Bitch

Today, I am grateful for:
* the most amazing weekend with Phil.
* Morgan.
* Jane.
* more than one awesome job prospect!
* a date with Kim this coming weekend.

Days 620-622: No Reservations

Today, I am grateful for:
- a lead on a really kick ass job.
- finally having internet at my house.
- ESPN3.com over my xbox360.
- the prospect of seeing the girls soon!
- having my room set up.
- pictures.
- having a brother who is always willing to help.
- feeling like I'm back in a groove.

Days 595-619: Epic Posting Fail On My Part

It's been a while. Longer than I intended. See, I moved across the country to Washington and do not yet have internet set up. As such, posting is hard. I'm typing this from Phil's house.

But I've had lots to be grateful for in my absence, such as:
- finally being back in Washington for good! No more planning for the one week I'm in town or missing big events because I'm too far away.
- getting to see Phil so much more.
- getting to see Becca so much more.
- being back near Costco and Whole Foods.
- excuses to back recipes that are my own concoctions.
- a fun new neighborhood.
- new dogs.
- being closer to friends.
- being closer to family.
- shopping buddies.
- being back where I can get quality sushi.

Day 594: Not Just Any Body

I'm having a sort of rough day. Truth be told, I'm having sort of a rough week. See, I moved here to get healthy, which meant gaining a certain amount of weight back. But I've gained a lot, and now I'm kind of scared to go home. Everyone there knows me as a skinny girl, and I'm not anymore. I'm not the girl I used to be. And for the most part, that's a good thing. But I feel like I used to be pretty, and I worry that that's really changed as well. I'm not the pretty friend anymore; I'm the fat friend. And that really fucking sucks. What are people going to say...?

Tonight, I'm grateful for my wonderful neighbors who made me forget about all my worries for a while.

Day 593: Soul Food

Nothing heals a bad day like some good Southern food. Seriously. I had the sort of day that made me pop a Xanax and a half while texting Phil that I'm not sure I could do this. It was that sort of day.

Shrimp po' boy to the rescue, Some cajun fries and cajun mashed potatoes. Sweet potato pie. It makes it all better. For serious.

Days 591-92: Southern Comfort

I'm going to miss this place. A lot. Don and Debbie took us out to dinner tonight to "our place" one last time. It was a lot of fun, but it was also a little sad. I love Don and Deb, and to think that they may have been our last dinner at "our place" is heart breaking.

I am grateful for:
* the friends that have become family here.
* clearing out a bunch of things today.
* leggings. Soooo comfy.
* finally having a house!
* Phil saying he'll come back here to visit with me.

Days 588-90: Oscars

Can I please grow up to be just like Anne Hathaway, please?

Today, I am grateful for:
* the wonder of the Oscars (and a virtual Oscars date with K).
* my angel from Kim.
* Oscar fashion
* getting a lot done today.
* Daisy.

Day 587: People

Tornado warnings today. Which essentially meant that I carried on as normal. Since I'm going to be going back to work once I come back to Washington, I thought I'd go see if I could get nice work clothes for less money here than in Seattle (and found some nice stuff). But now, I should be more immediately productive.

Today, I am grateful for:
* pearls. I love.
* Rachel Maddow.
* Paula Deen.
* the Wisconsin 14!
* Planned Parenthood.

Day 586: Little Things

Today, I am grateful for:
* new sunglasses. I finally found a cute pair at a price I was comfortable with. They rattle around in my purse, so I was not about to pay $40 for a pair.
* Paula Deen on Top Chef. I really can't explain how much I love that woman.
* cute cards.
* liking my hair cut. Banged and all.
* a really good dinner.