Song of Purple Summer

Today, I'm grateful for:

• getting a callback for Balagan's first regional production of Spring Awakening!!!
• my new-found addiction to Leverage.
• awesome, supportive friends who reassure me that I really can do it.
• gorgeous weather in the 80s all week.

729-77: Friday Night Lights

Today, I am grateful for:
* a new position at work.
* Phil's and my trip to Portland being perfectly wonderful.
* good friends.
* Leverage.
* Christina at work. She is saving my emotional ass.
* Amy being so happy.
* good books.
* great concerts.
* having so much less stress now.

Days 726-28: Abu

Today, I am grateful for:
* the Women's World Cup. I'm having so much fun watching.
* tickets the the 5th tonight with Phil (and Justin and Kirsten)!
* some good opportunities coming my way.
* dresses that make me feel pretty.
* good music.

Days 721-25: Fat Squirrel

I've been falling back into old habits lately. Bad habits to be exact. Part of me thinks/knows that's been a big reason I've been avoiding this practice; I'm afraid of getting caught. But the truth is: I struggle every day with my weight, my self esteem and the disease that ties them together. I'd love to say that after Walden Pond-ing it for two whole years, I feel a lot better, but life hasn't changed all that much. I have, but life hasn't, and it's hard not to reacclimate to the life I once knew.

For those loved ones I haven't seen in a while: apologies. I've been far too ashamed of myself to venture much past work or the occasional meeting. It hurts a lot to have gone away broken and realize that, even now, I'm only just bandaged.

It's times like these when I struggle with gratitude on a larger level. Sure, I'm thankful for the sunshine, but how much does that matter when I can't look at myself in the mirror? I suppose that's the big question (or at least the one I'm choosing to focus on): Are little bits of gratitude the gateway to "big gratitude" and, eventually, happiness? I ask this not knowing the answer.

But in the meantime, I'm still grateful for:
* sunshine.
* an amazing boyfriend.
* great friends.
* some opportunities hopefully on the horizon.
* finding a way.

Days 677-720: Long Time Gone

Life is a strange thing. It's ours - "our life" - but we have very little control over it. And for control freaks like me, that can be a problem. I turned 25 a few days ago, and I found myself having a quarter-life crisis, thinking about what I'd done and trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do. And the truth is: having a plan is good, but it's never something to count on because so much is out of our control. I keep thinking about how "you can't control the situation; you can only control how you handle the situation." That's something I need to practice with my gratitude. Phil has been a good influence on that. (He's far more relaxed than I am.) But I need to start owning it for myself.

Today, I am grateful for:
* the most amazing boyfriend.
* friends I can say anything to.
* wonderful, wonderful music.
* good conversation.
* girl-talk in the break room.
* high fives.
* finally getting my hair done.
* this strange sense of calm.
* love.

"I drink too much, I fall in love too fast / Obsessively collecting songs and details / Nothing's gone but nothing's lasting."

I haven't been feeling particularly grateful lately. You know how people say life is a rollarcoaster? Well, if that's the case, I've been in the car that's stuck on the track, waiting for hours for the repairman. I kind of feel like no matter what I do, I can't move forward. I have two jobs now, but I'm still barely making it financially. I'm in a show, but the process has been mostly arduous instead of rewarding. My love life is, let's be honest, non-existent.

Sometimes when I'm driving to work or rehearsal, I think about what it would be like to just keep driving and disappear for a few days. Could I reinvent myself? Would I meet that sexy and mysterious guy who's also a wandering spirit, like in the movies? Would my head and heart sort themselves out while heading down those long, quiet stretches of highway? Will I ever stop wanting more, or is this just my nature?

Jason Mraz wrote the following in a blog a little while back: "Gratitude can be a bitch to get sometimes. This is why it is called Practicing Gratitude - because it isn't easy - you have to practice." I think that rings especially true during times like this. When I'm fighting for contentment, I have to step back and remind myself of what IS good in my life. So. It's beautiful, warm, and sunny today; I'm wearing a dress and drinking iced coffee, and I'm taking the time to remind myself to be grateful for the little things. Life has a way of working itself out, even if it takes a lot longer than we'd like.

Today, I'm grateful for:

• music that's so good it transports you to another place. Kerrigan & Lowdermilk's "Our First Mistake" does that to me every single time.
• turning up the music in my car and dancing, not caring what anyone else thinks.
• the "happy opening night!" text my dad sent all the way from Germany.
• Kelli dealing with my bitchfest texts during tech week.
• "sexy-creepy" - the mood and motto of the Sweeney cast.
• Desperate Romantics on dvd.
• sundresses.
• working on being love for myself.

Days 658-76: What about everything?

So it's been a really, really long time. That wasn't intentional. I've just been busy settling into the new job. I've been getting used to the wonderful world of retail, and my feet have been getting used to it as well. I've been obsessed with the show 24 as a way to relax, and I have an addiction to teryaki. Other than that, I've been trying to see Phil as much as possible and trying to9 schedule outings with friends when I have the time. I even got to go out for beers with some of my work girls.

Oh yeah. And I just applied to community college to finish my degree. After a few years off to get my mind back, I finally feel like I can stay healthy while having a life again. It feels good.

Today, I am grateful for:
* how supportive Amy has been.
* my CSM at work. He's always there to talk to.
* getting my degree back on track.
* wonderfully patient friends.
* 24.